Friday, April 4, 2008

In my heart...

Photograph Courtesy of Reed Photographic

...I want to be helped from this pit. I want to come and put on a happy smiley face and tell you all that I am fine, that the world is just peachy, that the sun is shining. I am still fine one minute, and bawling like mad the next. Well, at least the bawling comes few and far between, but little bouts of tears now and then. I feel myself avoidant of things. I haven't left my house all week unless I had to. I don't want to. When I return home I just want to crawl into bed and die. I don't of course. Of course I have three little crazy kids running about the house fighting for my attention, and they require all of it. I am exhausted physically and emotionally from all of it. I haven't put on makeup for almost a week.

In my heart, I know this is not good. In my heart I just want to be myself again. I miss me. I miss knowing what Heavenly Father wants of me. I miss feeling trusted. I miss feeling like I had any control over my life whatsoever.

Someone asked a few days ago why I don't allow comments on these posts. I write them for my own sake, so that I remember how I am feeling, so that once I am finally out of the dark...I can more fully appreciate the light. I feel bad telling the world how hard this is for me to get through, how I just wish it to be a few months from now when I know that the picture will be clearer and my heart less empty.

Yesterday a dear, dear friend of mine from out of town surprised me by flying here to be with me and help me through this. I was almost beyond feeling when I saw her standing in my kitchen. I felt like I had nothing to offer her but my depressed self. It was so nice to be thought of, to not have to worry about fixing dinner, and that I could just sit on the couch as she mopped my floor in preparation for LJ's caseworker to visit. I let her do that. That impressed me. I just want her to know how much I appreciated that. Even though right now I don't know where "I" am.

This morning, some ladies from an Early Intervention program came over to test little LJ for developmental delays. (Holla to my mommy self for knowing that he was just fine...but appeased the caseworkers and such by allowing them to come. I was right, he is right on track...just a little two year old, but smart as a whip...) Anyway, as one of the ladies was giving the test, the nurse that was there asked me, "Who had the birthday? Or did somebody die or something?" Referencing the massive amounts of foliage on my kitchen island. I wish I had a tape recorder, it wasn't what she asked, but how. I broke down into tears and said, actually, the latter...and found myself having to explain and apologize for my sobs. GAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Some dudes came over today to help us plan our retirement. One of the dudes was this guy who is in the bishopric of the first ward we attended after we were married. I sat there at the table just staring off, with my intermittent squabble endings between Emms and LJ. I just cried as they were leaving, apologizing for the lack of my usual "Sunny Disposition". Oh sunny disposition where art thou? I hate being this way. I HATE IT!

19 comments:

Holly said...

big hugs

moosh in indy. said...

I love that picture of you.
I've been listening to messages you left me a few weeks ago, it is so much different.
But you're in there, I saw you, if only for moments and it made me so happy, so hopeful for you.
I'll do anything at all that I can to help you feel like you again, and I'll be standing off to the side praying and supporting you with all my heart, might, mind and strength.
I love you.
You are so loved, especially by Heavenly Father, I don't know how he could not be beaming with pride at you through this even though I know His heart is also aching for you.
You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me and one of the greatest gifts Heavenly Father ever blessed me with. I feel like I can never repay him or you for this blessing in my life.
Gah, I just love you so so much.

Amy and Josh said...

Thinking of you Kim and praying you'll make it through this personal Storm. . .I know there isn't much I can say to change what you are going through but one of my favorite hymns is in mind-Master the Tempest is Raging . . . Peace, Peace Be Still.
I just love you to pieces Kim!

Carlotta said...

Amen to amys comment. That Hymn rocks. Wow this post is sincerely intense my friend. By no means are our experiences the same but this post resembles(d) so many feelings I had(ve). It is one day at a time and sometimes even down to one minute at a time. Sometimes at the end of the day it is a miracle that you have survived that day. To know that Heavenly Father carried you through that day even if it felt like you weren't. I pray for you daily . Thank goodness for Emm , Joth and LJ they keep you going. What tender spirits they are. I pray that the sun will shine for you soon and that each day will come to you with ease. That the weight will be lifted from your heart and your shoulders and that you will be able to return to the Kim that you want to be.I know what you are talking about. It is so hard to know who you want to be and not be there. It is a traped feeling. Girl I completely get it. Oh I get it. Sorry that the caseworker said such an awful comment.

The Lilly's said...

Hi Kim,
It was so good to hear from you! As I've been reading your posts and seeing everything you've gone through, I just want to say I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. You've always amazed me at the strength you've shown through your trials, and I know you'll get through this. I appreciated that you mentioned Dr. Lloyd, he delivered my baby and was wonderful. I didn't know his son had cancer, I'm just heartbroken for him.
On a lighter note, I loved seeing your photography, you're so talented! Take care of yourself...Love ya, Lana

Amy said...

Wish I was there to do more for you! I can't imagine what you're going through. Love ya!

Liz said...

I'm thinking of you Kim. So sorry you have to go through this. Take the time to digest what has happened, and grieve the loss. This is hard, but you can do it!

Heather said...

Oh sweet little Kim!! I have written, erased and written again on this comment. I can't seem to come up with anything that can help or that will fix. I am glad to hear you had a friend there to help!! Big hug to her from me!

If you ever want to vent or just cry with someone, I am here!! I wish I could tell you it will all get better. . .but, I am not sure how it does. I still feel the pain, it just gets to a point where life goes on and you always have a sword in your heart. Sometimes it strikes and sometimes it's still. You will find yourself, and you will find your comfort. . .you need this time to grieve, try not to rush it or burry your feelings. . .try not to beat yourself up. . .and know that you are not alone. You are loved by so many people and thought of constantly. Please know that I care about you and don't want you to ever feel alone!!

Christal said...

oh kim love the picture of you and hope that before long the sun is shining in your life again. We are all thinking of you and praying for you and hope that things will start to feel better soon. It all takes time.

dust and kam said...

It's okay to cry and to hurt. And time doesn't always heal, but you will find yourself again.

Love ya!

Arianne said...

I just want to say I love you kim!

Tim and Ashlee said...

Give yourself some time. I wish there was a way to rush through these hard times but there isn't. Yes, your heart will mend but it won't be overnight. Take care of YOU! *HUGS*

ec said...

you are beautiful.

and even though i hardly know you, you are strong.

you are an example to me.

let your faith guide you. it will.

i am here...

Leisha said...

Lady, I love you to pieces. I wish I knew what to do or say. Instead I just sit here heartbroken for you. I am here. Always here for you. Whatever you need.

mommyoffour said...

You are so beautiful Kim, I love the picture of you. Hang in there, this too shall pass. xoxoxox

Carrie said...

Hugs and kisses! I'm glad you have a place where you can get your feelings out. I love you. Heavenly Father loves you!!! You are an amazing woman and I have no doubt that you will find "you" again. She's not too far away! Hugs! Hugs! Hugs!

Crystalyn said...

understandable feelings. hope you're feeling better soon...

Heather said...

I am in awe of you. That you are sharing yourself and your feelings, that you are so self-aware. I'm sure it's little comfort that a stranger on the internet thinks you're amazing, but I do. This too shall pass.

Laur said...

Kimmy....what the heck.
We need to talk.
Whats your primary email address?
mine is lauriekunz@gmail.com
I am going to come over and see you this week.
email me asap