Maybe this time.

She woke early.

It was abnormal for there to be so much quiet in the morning, why, with three giggly children there is never much time for anything quiet? She relished in the hot shower she got to take alone. Since she had been so sick the past two days she enjoyed that the water helped to revive her spirit and breathe life back into her body. She wiped the fog from the mirror and as she stared into it, she realized she looked more like the death that she had felt the day before. She stared at that woman for quite some time.

As she smoothed moisturizer onto her face, she traced the lines on her forehead that had not been there until the last few months. Somehow they cropped up just like the silver that shimmered in her wet hair.

She grabbed her makeup and began to cover up those lines and the dark circles that were still marking her eyes. When that was done, she turned on the blow dryer and began drying that tangled mass of silver and gold. It was then that it caught her eye.

For nearly ten minutes she sat staring at it.

She bravely questioned herself, “Should she?” It had been nearly a year, on Sunday to be exact. She had tried once or twice before, and each time it felt wrong. Those times it made her cry to the point that she had to take it off, she wasn’t ready, and she had to hide it again. “Why?” She wondered. Today of all days did it cross her mind, did it feel different? She sat there staring at it. Half dressed, damp hair and she reached for it. She shook. Tears burned behind her eyes. “Could she? How would it feel this time?” She held it for a moment, so many memories flooding at once. She tried to remember how happy she was the day she got it, all that it meant, all the hope and dreams it contained. Slowly she slid it over the first knuckle, and then she slipped it off. On it went again, then back off. Somehow it slid past her second knuckle and there she held it along with her breath. For some reason it felt better this time than it had the last. It sparkled as if to say, “Yes. It is the right time.” There it stayed for one entire day. There it sits now, she hopes for it to always stay.

The body image versus weight game.

Left: 205 lbs Right: 173lbs (30+inches lost over my entire body!)

Last night, my friends convinced me to post this comparison photo that I posted on Facebook in November of last year. It was such a stark reality for me, to finally see the reality of all the hard work, the blood, sweat and tears I had endured in 2011 to get down to 173lbs. My body is a rock. It doesn't respond to exercise in a 'normal' fashion. It took me a full year to lose 32 pounds. I remember almost wanting to starve myself silly to get to the 30lb mark. I was so tired of hovering around 26-28lbs lost. It didn't seem like enough, it still doesn't.

However, looking at these photos helps me to see how far I have come. A few weeks back I decided to do another round of p90x. I got 3 weeks in, and after watching the scale creep up 8lbs...yes, 8lbs, I decided I needed another workout for me. While I had gained 8lbs I had lost 3" off of my total body (nothing got bigger...just small, tiny losses over my body over the 3 week period) I decided that it was time I tried to really focus on eating and on a more cardio based workout versus a full weight lifting workout like p90x is. While I love p90x, stepping on the scale and seeing that number going up to 181lbs was so depressing, so hurtful to all the hard work I was doing. I started Slim in 6 three weeks ago this coming Monday. I love it. The entire workout is just under an hour and I feel it targeting every single muscle in my body. I hurt in the morning, I don't dread doing it, I work up a sweat, and I dare say I *almost* enjoy it.

I talk to myself each day. I tell myself, "You lost three inches! That is SO amazing! Focus on that!" I haven't stepped on the scale since day one of Slim in 6. I feel happy about that. I worry I am creeping up, but my body feels better. I feel happier, I feel thinner. I have to realize that I may never hit that 'goal' weight on the scale. I may never see the number 140lbs ever, ever again. My body is just that, mine. As long as I am feeding it right, exercising, and doing all I can to reach my goals, I need to love myself for that. I need to love my image.

I am trying.

I can say this much though, I love that girl on the right a lot more than the girl on the left. I can't wait to love the girl on the right much more than the girl in the middle when and if that photo ever comes.

Here is to a new girl standing in the right in 2012.

Obsessed with Apple Crisp | Recipe

Forgive my photos. (Walgreen's One Hour Photo...equals, poo looking photos. What can I say? Also, I should iron my table cloths, you know, in my spare time. While we are at it I will let you know these were taken on my Nikon N80 with my 50mm 1.4 lens at f1.4. My shutter speed was LOW...maybe 1/20.)

However, don't forgive this recipe, it is delicious and to die for, and everything that screams, "Winter! Stay at home in front of the fire! Delicious! I shouldn't be eating this on my diet! Who cares?"

Needless to say I have made this quite a bit in the last few weeks. I can't get enough of the caramely (not a word), crunchy, cinnamony (also not a word) goodness of this dessert. I also consider it a great breakfast, lunch and dinner if you feel so inclined.

I claim this recipe as my own (my first ever?), because I concocted it after looking through a number of recipes, and not liking any of them, or feeling like there wasn't quite enough 'crisp' this is what I came up with. Try it and let me know what you think.

Kimmie's Apple Crisp

Topping:

1 cup wheat flour (it makes it feel healthy)
1 cup quick oatmeal
1/2 cup melted butter (the real thing)
1 cup brown sugar
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt

Mix the above ingredients with a fork until well blended and crumbly...the bigger crumbles the better.

Apples:

4 small sliced Granny Smith Apples (we use a peeler, corer, slicer dealio, the kids love to help)
1 Tbsp lemon juice
1/3 cup sugar mixed with 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon

Mix the apples and lemon juice. Lay apples on the bottom of a 9x9 inch baking pan. Sprinkle apples with the sugar/cinnamon mixture.

Sprinkle topping mixture over the top of the apples.

Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. The crisp should be bubbling when you take it out.

Let cool slightly then serve warm with vanilla bean ice cream. (We get something with 1/2 the fat, doesn't taste as good but then I don't feel quite as guilty for eating the entire pan by myself.)

Have a happy weekend.

xoxo

Kim

Life

The last week has been intense. I feel like I joined the rest of the world when I flubbed my new year resolution to keep my blog updated every week day. 'They' say that most resolutions are forgotten by February 14, and it just seemed like I was joining ranks.

Things have been busy. I took on extra hours with work, and I have been trying really hard to make sure my computer is still turned off at a decent hour so that I can be a mom and take care of all the things that go with that job. Sadly, my blog got put on the back burner.

I had some time today however, to just blog about life.

It has been crazy. I always seem to say that, but truly it is. We just go from one thing to another to another without a breath in between. Last week I told you how my Christmas present was stolen on Valentine's day. I love my new found understanding that things are just things, however I dearly miss my 'thing'. I didn't realize how much I used my iPad, and I still have half of Tina Fey's book to read, which will now have to be done on the computer. I am okay with that. Truly thankful that Flav is okay. His mouth was pretty swollen and bruised for days...but we are all mending and putting that behind us. I just have a word for Karma. Do your thing. Okay? Pretty please. Thank you...Kim.

Then there is this girl:

Who always begs for her photo to be taken during the day while her brother and sister are at school, that is why there always seem to be so many more photos of her...I don't play favorites...promise. However, if she sees the camera she instantly says, "Smile Mom?!" Meaning, "Do you want me to smile Mom?" She completes my heart in every single way, even though she is the single most crazy thing in my life, I can't imagine my life for one second without her in it.

Life is challenging, but it is good. It feels good to be living and pressing forward, even through the hard, it just makes the not so hard feel all the better.

xo

Kim

**Get geeky: All photos shot on a Nikon N80 with a 50 mm lens at 50mm at f1.4 on Kodak Portra 160 Film. Developed and processed at Walgreen's.**

Simply Thankful

Today I am simply thankful that those big hands on the bottom are safe.

Our iPad was stolen from Flavio yesterday. We are all pretty shaken at the story. Although we hope that our story will turn out similarly to this one, we are pretty sure it won't. However, there is nothing like this situation to put us in our place and realize the things that are important in life are not 'things'. They are the ones we love. As long as they are safe that is all that matters.

Take time today to love on the real people in your life. Put the 'things' away, and focus on them.

**Get geeky: Shot on a Nikon N80, 50mm 1.4 lens at 1.4 with Fuji 800 Consumer Film processed at Walgreen's**