Shot on a Nikon F100, 50mm 1.4 lens at f 1.4 with Portra 400 Film .
I have had an interesting week since posting my last post . It is truly odd to be in the situation our family is in. On one hand I don't want anyone to know, on the other hand I don't like feeling as though I am living a lie, and I don't think anyone should live a lie. I think that so much can be learned from what is happening and what we are enduring.
For one, I know for a fact I am not alone. We are not alone. However, I know that sharing our situation is sort of taboo. Especially in our society and in our religion. Part of me feels really guilty for sharing as much as I have, especially when my husband's family did not know anything was going on. I feel a little guilty for using my blog as therapy, but that is what I have always done and not doing it now seems silly.
I didn't come to this decision lightly. It took me three months to decide that I wanted to write my way through this. I had to get through a lot of the ugly to feel like I could share, that I wanted to share, that I needed to share.
You are probably wondering, "How does Hubbs feel about it?" Honestly, I am not 100% sure, so if you are his family and friends I ask you to please be sensitive to his feelings and his heart. This is a difficult time for all of us, and understand this is my platform and my resource, whereas I am not sure what his resources for dealing with this are, and obviously it is not sharing it with the world. Please be considerate to him, that is all that I ask.
I have learned so many difficult and wonderful things in the past few months. I learned that my capacity to forgive is incredible. I think anyone's is if you can only open yourself up to it.
A few stories I have yet to share with the world stems from my childhood and teen years. I still am not ready to share all of those stories, one of which, if you knew the right things to Google, you would have it all right there in a blink of an eye. What I will share is that my parents divorced when I was 7. My dad hurt my mother deeply throughout their marriage of about the same length I have been married to my husband. The final straw was drawn when my dad hurt her the last time and their marriage ended. These experiences affected me deeply. I grew up lacking sufficient trust in marriage and love and I brought these feelings into a marriage to a man who loved me fully and affectionately. No one person is to blame when there are marriage problems, this I know, but having dealt with my parents divorce in not the healthiest ways, and then bringing those feelings into my young marriage, I think it was a little doomed. I would often say to my sweetheart, "If you ever do to me what my dad did to my mom, it is over. Please, oh please have the courage to come to me beforehand so we can end it before there is that deep betrayal." So for me, having said that oh so many times in our marriage you would think that when faced with the actual situation I would bolt.
I did not bolt. (Sometimes in my mind I cannot help but wonder secretly if this is what my husband hoped for. I am certain he did not, and he has told me such, and part of healing is my need to trust again and believe that, and so I am.) I am here. I am stable, I am willing. I am fighting. I have surprised everyone most of which myself.
Many moments are dark and trial filled. However, through it all, I have felt an extreme feeling of peace deep in my heart, I know where that peace comes from. It comes from a long and deep relationship with a loving Heavenly Father who I am certain laughs at me every night when I talk to Him about my day, and realizes how crazy I am and can be. I know it because He is carrying me through this. He is carrying my husband through this and teaching him and I how to love one another again.
There is power in starting over.
To me, the marriage I shared with my husband for 10.5 years is dead and gone. It is over. I find the pictures from those first ten years painful. There were wonderful times, but it is the here and now that matter the most, it is what happens tomorrow and in the next days and weeks and months that matter, that will truly show who we are as a couple and a family. It is an uphill climb, a hard and difficult one, but also one full of much beauty. Really? How can such a trial be beautiful? I don't know but it is. Learning to love someone anew, especially one you have known for so long is quite liberating as well. It is so hard to explain and pinpoint. Maybe I will be able to as time goes on.
Laughing again is my hope. Feeling joy and comfort and complete peace is what I look forward to. These are my goals, and I truly hope to be holding the hand of my sweetheart through it all, and if not, I am learning to love me and have peace in my heart. I will be able to know I gave it my best shot, and that is all anyone can do. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, not really for the one being forgiven, but for the forgiver.
So, this is why I am open, because I know I am not alone, and I understand being open is not for everyone, but it works for me, and as long as it is working for me, I will keep on sharing. My heart goes out to everyone who has sent me an email sharing and the many conversations over the phone and in person saying, "I understand, it feels so amazing to finally be able to talk to someone about my situation!". You are not alone. Neither am I.
All photos shot on a Nikon F100 with Kodak bw400cn Film
So, what I have hinted about is a daily photography project which I meant to start sharing back in March, and well, from March until now has been nothing less than pure hell and torture, and my sharing of my project got put on the back burner.
Last week I was finally able to look at the photos from the first few days of my life changing hell. They were titled with things like, "The day my life changed forever!!" and "PAIN" and "Anguished". I never before in my life had felt the feelings and emotions I was experiencing in those first hours and days of shock.
Sometimes in the past month I have felt like, "Wow, I can finally breathe, I can conquer this, I am strong, I can do what I need to do to get through this. I can forgive, I can be the person I know I am inside and this will all be worth it in the long run."
Then, I have tremendously dark days full of things like, "I deserve better than this. I am not strong. I am so very afraid. I am not sure I can be so forgiving. Why am I going through this? Why, out of everything I have already endured must I be enduring this trial? Why? Why? Why?"
The dark days are very selfish days. They are frightening days. They are days that I don't see myself in. I find it hard to know who I am on the dark days. I have referred to my life right now as a bitter roller coaster. One in which I am finding very little joy, and I love roller coasters. (The real kind.)
Being in a position that is so precarious as the one I am in, basically and honestly and truthfully facing a fork in a road of staying on the path of marriage or breaking off into a path of singularity is a frightening place to be. Both paths are rocky and muddy, and messy. Both are wrought with obstacles of pain and uncertainty. Right now I hate both paths. I don't hate many things, but this, this right now I hate.
It is hard to love someone so very completely, and not want to see them hurting, but it is also very hard to be hurting yourself. I have been reading a book that I will share more with you about later, but this book is amazing, and the insight contained therein is so helpful, and yet leaves me feeling like I need to read it every day of my life for the rest of my life in order to keep perspective.
Today is one of those days my perspective feels blurred.
I am really excited today to share with you my progress with using the Zerona at Zerona Utah . I just barely got back the scan from the photo I took of myself this week. To be honest I was a little nervous that you might not be able to see my progress, and I wish it was easier to take a photo of my own back, but those did NOT turn out, so you get my front only. Anyway, I am pleasantly surprised with the difference in my body from week one to week three. Here, see for yourself:
I feel like for only three weeks it is a huge difference in my body. I have even dropped a pant size. I cannot tell you how gloriously happy this makes me. I went from a size 12 to a size 10. Why is this so significant?
I have not been able to wear a size 10 jean since before I had Memms. That was six years ago. At that time I weighed 151 lbs and as of this morning I weighed 173 lbs. You do the math, this is strange and incredible, and I honestly can say I believe I can owe some of this to the amazing experience with the Zerona.
I have one more treatment on Monday, when I will take another photo, and then the following week I will have my official measurements taken and let you all know how many inches I lost, as well as how many pounds I went down from my intake visit.
I hope I have inspired some of you out there. Is it dorky to say I have even inspired myself? Who knew I would be brave enough to post photos of me in my skivvies.
**Disclaimer: Zerona Utah is providing me with 12 Zerona and Synergie treatments free of cost, and I am being compensated for my travel. However, my opinions of the treatments are my own, and my mom taught me never to lie, so the things you will read about my experience, results (or lack there of) are true.**