Shot on a Nikon F100, 50mm 1.4 lens at f/2.0 on Portra 400 Film .
Yesterday this happened and a very deep line was drawn. It may seem like a really silly and insignificant thing which caused this line to be drawn, but to me, as I said, at this point nothing is small or silly or insignificant. My blood pressure rises just thinking about it. My heart pounds out of my chest and I begin to shake just thinking about it. This time, the breaking of trust came with an ultimatum. I have never given ultimatums, so having given one I am so deeply afraid.
There is a line now. A line that if crossed, it becomes a finish line.
All night long I thought about how I drew this line. I was so angry and hurt, and the only thing I was thinking at the moment was to hurt back. Words flew out of my mouth. I shook, my heart would not settle. For hours afterward my heart was still pounding. I sat in the car and said a silent prayer. "Please Father help me. I am not sure if this is right, or if I should have said what I said, but when is enough enough? I am not sure but please give me strength to make it through tonight. Please help my heart to settle because I honestly feel like I am going to die right here."
Peace. Immediate peace.
At least until I got home again...then the agony set in.
I don't want to be in the predicament I am in. I don't want to be living this hell that I am living through right now. I don't understand any of it. Not one single ounce of it, and yet I am just thrust into it, seemingly again and again and again, and you know what? I don't think I can take much more...which is why on hands and knees I dug that line so deeply yesterday. So, incredibly deep that if crossed, life as I know it, as my children know it, as my husband knows it, will never ever be the same. Ever.
I may be strong, but I am not that strong. I don't think my heart can take anymore, even if it is silly and little and insignificant. It is significant to me, and I guess I have to matter more than anyone right now. That sounds incredibly selfish, and it is, but so be it.
I need more of it.