Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Close to the Surface

It is my hope that this is the last long post I will have for awhile. Hopefully the last post, that when I read it I see a girl who is hurting and feeling a bit sad and perhaps sorry for herself. I hate seeing this girl, but know that she must heal. I think she is doing just that, she just needs to get it out one last time and take a step forward and move on.

I had my follow-up appointment with my doctor today. I feel like for the past five days or so, I have done really well, at well...not crying. Everything else hasn't been so good. I have just felt this heavy, dark weight upon my shoulders. I can feel myself not wanting to leave my house, forgetting to eat (literally, I just feel no hunger...I have been eating though, forcing myself to get well physically), having a hard time sleeping. So, I thought to myself a couple days ago, "Gee, this sounds a lot like the symptoms of depression." Since today has been 16 days since we lost Peanut, and since that time today was the THIRD day I actually put on makeup and tried to do something with myself, I decided that this had to stop, and that it wasn't getting better on it's own.

The second my doctor came in and sat down, began discussing with me the pathology reports from the baby, I started crying. I was fighting it so hard. I just feel like I am not getting through this as well as I should. Sure, with Joth and Emm, I felt the baby blues, but I had this gorgeous baby to stare at, cuddle, love and hold all day long. Now, well I still have those gorgeous kids to cuddle and hold, plus one more, but it wasn't the same. As much as I love these three beings, there is this huge hole in my heart. It didn't make sense as to why I feel so heavy until the nurse was giving me a shot of progesterone in my hip. Her words were comforting, she let me cry, she gave me a hug, and told me what I needed to hear, and that it was okay to have some chemical help through this. So, for the next few months I'll be on a really low dose of an anti-depressant. I haven't started taking it, I am afraid really. I'm still holding out that this dose of hormone helps me like they say it will. Hello sunshine, I am waiting for you. ;)

I discussed a lot of things with my doctor, crying all the way through it. Hating the fact I had to be back in that office, in the same room that I heard our baby's heartbeat only six weeks ago. I hated sitting there waiting for the doctor, then for the nurse. I wanted to run from the room screaming and never return. I'm not sure if things feel more clear or more clouded. That the things he told me are to make me feel better about what happened, or more of a failure. (Not a literal failure, but the failure that one inevitably feels when things don't go as planned.) I just don't know where to put my foot next. Which road do I take, which one do I pursue, which one do I leave behind? I am flipping baby hungry...I know I am not alone in this feeling, I just had to say it. My heart just aches still.

I'm hoping today was the last of the heavy sobbing. My emotions have been so close to the surface, when Flavio called me after my appointment and I was crying he had the nerve to ask, "Why are you crying?" Wha? Did you just ask me, "WHY AM I CRYING?!" Seriously. GAH! I'm crying because I feel a loss, I am crying because I made it so far into my pregnancy, made it through the sickness, the debilitating headaches, the FAT gain, the swollen face, and when I look in the mirror and see my more slender figure, my watch that no longer stays on my wrist the way it used to, I can see that I am not the same person I was almost 20 weeks ago. That should make me happy, but it doesn't.

I'm determined to move on from this trial. While I shall never forget it, I don't want it to overtake me, to consume me so that I always remember the pain of this event. I don't want to count weeks up until my "due date". I want to move on and live, and prepare for the next adventure, the next blessing, even the next trial. So, that is what I am doing. Even if there are more days of emotions close to the surface, I have other things to take care of, other children to prepare for, to seek, to find, along with life that is waiting beyond this dark knot in my rope of life. Such a tiny glimpse of eternity. There is a spirit waiting for me, pushing me forward. I have a testimony that this spirit is not sitting around waiting for me, watching me feel sorrow, they are working, smiling, doing all they need to do to gain all the blessings promised to them...and so do I.

I'm thankful that this trial happend so close to Conference. My testimony has been strengthened. I truly feel like the Lord spoke to MY heart, and told me things that I needed to hear. I am listening, I'm ready to get back to work.

I want to thank everyone for their love and support.

Amanda for the beautiful flowers that lasted seemingly forever.

Cassie, in the midst of her own trials, came to see me in the hospital, brought the most beautiful figure of a mother and a child. And later in the week brought us TWO of THE most delicious dinners I have ever eaten, and has continually called me (even though I don't call her back. Seriously, once this depression is over, I owe you big time!). And love to Tim who called Flavio.

Carly, who brought us over our favorite pizza in the world, joined us for dinner TWICE then came over to my house AGAIN when my four year old let her in without us knowing...and I walked upstairs to catch her doing our dishes! She stayed all day and played with the kids so I could rest for a few minutes, and gave us a beautiful reminder that our Savior loves us so much.

Casey, who mopped my floor in prep for LJ's caseworker to come, helped wrangle my kids into bed, and read them story after story. She also made us a delicious dinner and gave me a dozen beautiful roses.

Amy and John who were thoughtful enough to want to bring us food, but instead humbled themselves to come and enjoy the mountain of food that we had already been given. They cheered our hearts and made us laugh, and I got a free chiropractic adjustment from it...when they move back home I'm all over John's practice! It was nice to have John here to buoy Flavio's spirits as well. I know how much HE needed it.

The R House, specifically Mrs. R. who brought us some killer lasagna and dinosaur chicken nuggets (that we just ate yesterday and they were freaking awesome...would you believe that FLAVIO made some homemade honey mustard? Well, I added the honey...but the rest he did. Mmmm.) as well as ice-cream and pie and a TON, I say A TON of movies for me to enjoy. I have loved just vegging in front of a good movie. Thank you!

Leisha, who was gone at the time of losing Peanut, but who lovingly made us dinner the week after I got home from Hawaii when I was having some spotting and feeling like basic CRAP...she was on top of it like a BFF should be and brought us a HUGE dinner. I can't thank her enough for that! ;)

Arianne and Jayna who sent me a beautiful bouquet of spring flowers. As well as many phone calls of love and e-mails expressing heartfelt sympathy. (Again, so sorry I haven't returned them...I just feel so heavy the thought of doing much is so hard...but I am thankful for it!)

Lace, who brought us pizza, "the kind with circles on it" Jothan's "fravorite". And chips...holy cow how the kids loved those chips. And the cookies, which unfortunately I ate TOO many of. It was SUPER nice to have that dinner!

Amy, who I e-mailed on the Friday after I got out of the hospital and cried to via e-mail (if one can do that) and she brilliantly convinced me that the ward should know what happened, and got us three more meals.

Amy, whom I missed as I was taking little LJ to the doc...she brought me some BEAUTIFUL roses and some yummo chocolate, chocolate, chocolate cookies...she is like eight months pregnant and she BAKED. FOR. ME. She wrangled her three year old and went TO. MY. HOUSE. She deserves a medal. ;) She is one of my dearest friends in the entire world. She deserves a better friend than me!

Wendy and Dan, who came to the hospital, and gave me the most cuddly teddy bear that I am no longer owner of (thanks Emm, Jothan, and LJ). Then brought us CHEESECAKE and lots of laughter. Flavio was so happy to have a DUDE around! ;)

The ward, who brought those meals and stopped by to give blessings and words of comfort and peace.

To ALL OF YOU, who sent e-mails, cards, letters, thoughts, phone calls, comments, and love. Each and every person has touched my heart and has helped me through this horrible and yet strengthening experience. Even though I am not thanking you each one by one, hopefully someday I can and will! Your kindness has not gone unnoticed. ;)

THANK YOU! I can't say it enough and it feels so inadequate, but THANK YOU!


Heather said...

Kim, I'm impressed that you are self-aware enough to realize the signs of post-partum depression!! But please don't feel guilty for feeling this way. You went through something so unjust, you have the right to feel sorry for yourself, not to mention how out of control your hormones are right now. If you end up needing those anti-depressants, it really is okay!

I know you know all this and I'm probably just saying the same things the nurse said, but I see you hurting and I want to reach out to you and like, pat your hand or something!!!

Crystalyn said...

so much i could say, but i won't leave a post on your comment section ; )

just glad you have someone who can help you get through this. i've heard the shots can be really helpful. i had one lined up for me just in case after my last delivery. i hope you start to feel like yourself soon.

and i just had to include one of my all time favorite quotes:

Sad soul, take comfort, nor forget. That sunrise never failed us yet.
– Celia Thaxter

hang in there!

ec said...


i have no idea what to say to you, but i just want you to know that you are in my thoughts. you are an amazing woman.

and can i just say how gorgeous you are? that picture is breathtaking.

love to you.

~kamie~ said...

Kim - you are amazing. My heart aches for you, but I know that better days are ahead. Just know that you are amazing.


Leisha said...

Here's a big hug, friend. I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this. This post makes me cry. I wish I knew what I could do to help. If you need me, you know where to find me :-)

veekids said...

OK, I left you a note about 5 blogs ago and now it is not there. Well I hate computers, But we love you. I am sorry that I wasn't one of the ones to comment on any of this whole thing, but I just didn't want to be saying the wrong thing or making you think that " I know what you're going through" when I don't. I read your blogs, and it hurts my soul to know that one of my friends is having a really tough time, and I can't really do anything to help her. Well, back when you posted "In My Heart", While I was reading it I was also listening to my blog's music, and I heard a song that I think touched me to point that I want to make sure that you listen to it. It would be my comforting touch that I can contribute to your healing process. I hope that you can listen to it some time. It is called "Stronger Than the Storm". I hope that you can use the Holy Ghost, and the Strength of our Heavenly Father combined with your family to become Stronger than your storm.

We love you and wish the best for you always,



Ponczoch Family said...

So glad Heavenly Father has given you such amazing friends to help your family through such a difficult time. As I read about all of the meals, flowers and visits, (and as I was wishing I lived close and could have helped you as well) it is so amazing to me that you have been able to touch the lives of so many in the past, and now it is everyones turn to be there for you.

moosh in indy. said...

Amen to what the ponczoch family said. You have been there so many times for so many other people (including me). It's only fair that so many people take care of you when you need it most. I'm so glad you are so well taken care of and that I was able to be a part of your list.
Love you, love you, love you.
The sun is coming. Promise.

Carlotta said...

I feel completely uncapable of leaving a worthy comment on such a eloquently written post. You are such a loved and admired person. Grateful you have been taken care of and carried by those around you. And women there is NOTHING wrong with assistance in getting back on your feet. Believe you me I KNOW! *PHEW* Thank goodness for those people that have been blessed with such brains to create amazing concoctions!
I am with you on the "just simply" forgetting to eat. I never felt that way until I placed Calli. It was weird to not care or not want to. I felt sick when I would force myself to eat but had to. I am glad you are eating to help you. Without food everything is much worse upstairs. Love you tons. And oh we PRAY for the sunshine in more ways then one!

The Gag-nears said...

What I see in that picture is a girl who may be sad, lost, confused for a while but I see no permanent damage my beautiful friend. I see hope. I see beauty. I see a mother. One way or the other this too shall pass - just like the scriptures say "and it came to pass" so it is with life. I wish I could have done more for you during your time of trial and even now I want you to know I love you and still pray every day for you.

Amy and Josh said...

It is no surprise you are so well loved Kim!
I've never had a more caring friend than you!! You have truly taught me how to be a better person-a more giving person to my friends and to those around me-I can't thank you enough.

Just so you know I would bake you a thousand more cookies if you needed it.

Arianne said...

When you talked about being in the drs office waiting and looking around remembering when you heard your babies heart beat for the first time I TOTALLY know what you are talking about. I LOVE my doctor but I HATE going into that office and sit in the waiting room and STARE at the OTHER MOMS who are happy and pregnant, or sitting in the doctors office and I always look right at that heart beat monitor and remember when I heard my babies heart beat, and then the very next appointment they no longer had to use that monitor! I just have to say for me the memories never go away. I think knowing we will be with those babies forever it makes us easier to know what we have to look forward to after we die!

I knw I have said this a million trillion times but you are an amazing person and an amazing example to SO many people. We all love you so much and care for you and all hurt when you hurt. I can tell by each post that you are doing better each day. My suggestion is to do ONE thinge each day to make you feel happy. If it is playing with your kids, putting on make up or even just lounging on the couch watching a good chick flick eating a gallon of ice cream. The light will continue to shine each and every day.

I love you kim. thank you for this wonderful post. You really are my hero!!

The Ashlee said...

Kim I love you! You describe feelings and emotions so well. You are a wonderful person. I want to "play" with you real soon. Love you

Tim and Ashlee said...

The temple. It was the only place where I could go and feel peace and comfort after our loss. Tim and I went frequently.

Amy said...

I've been dying to do more for you.

I love how beautifully you've expressed yourself. Through a tragedy such as this, you see the person underneath, the raw beauty of a person. And I am in awe. You are spectacular, Kim.

Amy said...

We just love you Kim!!! We'll still keep praying for you.