Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Next first steps.

simply me,kimsueellen
(you like my new film camera? my new bff! contax 645 fuji 400h)

I know you think the title of this post is about her, but it isn't. It is about her mom. Her mom that isn't quite sure how to take the next few steps in her life knowing that she won't be a new mom again during this life. EVER. It is making her mom very sad, and her mom is having a hard time with that. Silly I know, but true nonetheless.

simply me,kimsueellen

In case you were wondering, her mom is me. :)

simply me,kimsueellen

Isn't she just the cutest thing? Oh my goodness how I have loved and enjoyed her.
(Please note the chalk all over her...and her adorable chalk art on our driveway.)

I think the big birthday celebration last week, with Millz turning one threw me for a little loop I wasn't expecting. I wasn't expecting to have such a joyous occasion bring a little bit of tears and depression to my heart. It did, but I am getting over that. It is just par for the course. Big days bring big realizations that she is our last little nut. She isn't quite taking her own first steps yet. Although she took 6 outside yesterday because she was desperate to play with the neighbor's dog.

So, anyway, back to me. I just don't know how to take the next first steps in my life. The steps out of family building and into family rearing. I know I have been doing that all along for the past six years. But this? This is a different feeling. Instead of planning on how to get the next child here, we are now planning on when the last child enters school, then what will I do? I am not wishing time away, but minds naturally go that route. Ahhhh.

I just want to freeze time. Freeze these moments with my three babies and keep them this size for twice as long. I wish the days were longer only to have more time to kiss their cheeks, rub their sweet feet, read to them. More time for that and less time for all of the other garbage would be blissful. Perhaps those need to be my next first steps. My first steps into being a better mother with nothing to worry about except them! I am going to work on that.

8 comments:

Emily said...

Great post. Thank you for a reminder to enjoy my little ones while they're still young. It's baby steps for all of us around here!

The Snellie's said...

I am going through the same thing Kim. I want one more but my hubby absolutely refuses. It was never talked about that when I was pregnant last that it would be my last it was decided after. So it has been hard to think that I am actually done. I don't mind having my two I am VERY content but...I would like to have the possibility for me.
I guess with my health scares it is okay too but I get depressed from day to day. And also is thinking about what I am going to do once they get a little older and I don't want to.

Love ya Kim.

mrs. r said...

AMEN!!!! leisha and i were having this convo yesterday when we both realized that neither one of us have baby food in the house anymore.

;(

moosh in indy. said...

Que Pasa with Linds' winking frown?

Anyway...I shifted from child bearing to child rearing what, six months ago? And when that "click" finally happened? It felt good. I mean, sure it took five years and a lot of tears to get here...but now that I'm here?

It's good.

Besides...Between Addie and J...we totally have adorable grandbabies to look forward to.

Britney said...

I'm right there with you, Kimmie. It's an odd feeling. I can't quite wrap my head around it.

Christal said...

great post why do they have to grow up so fast! I feel the same way Karsen turned one on the 2nd then its like he became a big boy no bottles baby food and starting to walk and talk! Sad! when there's nothing you can do about it either way! You are awesome and your kids are lucky to have you!! have a great day!! Love the pics too!!

楊燕沛楊燕沛 said...

人生中最好的禮物就是屬於自己的一部份............................................................

Ashley said...

amen and amen.

praying for a miracle later on down the road; the gift of maybe just one more. but we're not supposed to think about it or let it worry us. yeah, right.

i feel blessed; heavenly father has blessed me with time slowing down right now as it screams by. the minutes seem longer when i hold my kids and i'm bathing in every moment.

i wish i could freeze time too. let them get bigger when i say it's okay.

until that can happen, like you, i'm so happy to be so blessed.

aren't we fiendishly lucky girls??