Tuesday, July 20, 2010

me.

kim orlandini photography,utah wedding photographer,utah photographer,kimsueellen
Polaroid 600 SE Fuji FP-3000B

I have had 'me' on my mind the past few days.

I tend to be really hard on myself at times. Does anyone else have that same problem?

I started blogging four years ago when my best friend moved to Indiana. That is when she started her blog. I loved keeping in touch with her, and reading her adventures in a far away land. I missed her. She is the reason I started blogging.

I began to love recording the everyday happenings in our life. Then a year after I started my blog, I kind of, well...deleted it. I am not sure why. I know it was a moment of temporary insanity, mostly I didn't feel like I could take the pressure. Pressure I was placing on myself. The blogging hiatus only lasted a few weeks, and I regretted the deletion
(I still have the old posts on my hard drive hoping to replace them someday.)

While blogging gave me a place to share my feelings with this vast openness, I began to realize that it was changing me. Some of the changes were really good, some of them gave me feelings of inadequacy.

I have learned much from writing my own blog. I have learned even more from reading other blogs. This post is about that. What I am, and what I am not.

  • I am not the perfect mother.
  • I will probably never throw a giant birthday party for my kids and that is okay.
  • I don't own a purse. Okay, I do, but it came from the dollar section at Target and I don't use it anyway. Because I don't own a purse, I cannot glean from all of the posts about purses and their contents.
  • My diaper bag is outdated, and certainly not cute, and I can't wait until I never have to carry it anywhere, as stated above I don't own a purse and a diaper bag is too much like a purse.
  • I have breastfed and I have bottlefed and I prefer the latter. Even if I have to clean bottles. (See bullet #1)
  • I would love to decorate my house with little pendants that say, "I love you!" or "Happy Easter" that I made myself, but it will never happen, and I have decided it isn't 'me'.
  • I hate housework. I will never tell you how to scrub the soap scum from the shower door and enjoy it, because I don't.
  • My goal in life is to earn enough money so I never have to even think about soap scum again.
  • I read to my children every night. I sing to them every night. I pray with them every night. (Perhaps I am bullet #1 after all.)
  • I have camera envy from about 90% of you out there. Your cameras kick my old digital, which is why it is gone. I may shoot film now, but it doesn't mean I don't dream of Nikon sponsoring me for the rest of my life. Hello, is this thing on? Nikon?? Cough D3...cough.
  • I love my husband. A lot. It just isn't me though to be constantly lovey-dovey to him. He isn't prince charming, and I am not Snow White, and that is okay.
  • I yell at my kids. (I guess I am not bullet #1.)
  • I have a testimony. I have found a stronger 'me' throughout the last four years, and I didn't know she existed.
  • I don't own anything in my closet that is name brand. In fact, the last thing I had that was name brand was when I was 21 and our house flooded with sewage. Seeing Ralph Lauren covered in poop looks about the same as Wal-mart covered in poop. This doesn't mean I don't covet your Jimmy Choo's or Prada. I am probably jealous of you, but would never let you know that.
  • I am an amazingly beautiful person inside.
  • I am kind.
  • I am loving.
  • I would do almost anything for anyone.
  • I have learned to put myself before others. Sometimes that is the strongest thing you can learn to do.
  • The word 'no' is the most important word in the English language. I am learning to use it better.
  • Water is good, and so is steak. I also feel strongly about bacon. Sometimes I feel bad when I read about vegetarianism. Sometimes.
  • Ice cream is disgusting unless I say otherwise.
  • I love my kids and their stinky feet.
  • I like my laundry to smell perfect.
  • I love adoption.
  • Sometimes reading blogs makes me cry, makes me happy, makes me mad, makes me envious, makes me think.
This list could go on and on, but I am suppose to be working, I just needed to see where 'I' am.
I am learning to love me, for who I am, and for who I have become.
I am proud of me.

18 comments:

mrs. r said...

i love you. and i love that you love bacon. that made me laugh out loud.

i have learned that i would be lost without you. (hello ...TJ MAXX last week is case in point!)

xoxo

Jackie Norris said...

You ARE beautiful, inside and out. I wish I had your courage to be so honest. I love it.

sepa said...

i love this post. amen to earning enough money to never have to think about soap scum, and steak will always be king/queen in my home. (sorry cows.)

it was so nice to meet you at natalie and jon's workshop. i see now that we have more in common than just shared geography and love for photography. be well, friend.

Ashley said...

my own bullet point: I'm OCD up the wall.

Soap scum on the shower door? Don't scrub it. Really really.

Take a bottle of Clorox toilet bowl cleaner with bleach, squirt it on the top of the shower door (so it drips down over the yuckies) and gently spread it with a sponge.

Wait 45 minutes (fan ON!!!)

Come back.

Rinse with water.

Stand. Oggle. Feel like a genius.

Works on the rest of the nasty shower as well.

I also hate housework. My husband told me last week, "I married you because you're an amazing mother. The fact that you suck at housekeeping isn't important."

I. Am. A TERRIBLE housekeeper.

That's what maids are for. Duh.

Emily said...

I'm proud of you too, Kim! You are so talented and beautiful and you are an incredible mother. I'm glad to see that perhaps you realize some of that! LOVE YOU! -Emily Emily Emily

blair said...

Thank you for posting this .
It's so easy to read other moms blogs, and get SO F'ing depressed that I am not the perfect mom with 5 kids, a PERFECTly clean house, with makeup and hair did 24/7, who gives there hubby all the loving in the world, every meal is served on the finest dishes, etc.

Thanks Kim, Seriously, Thanks.

The Lilly's said...

I agree with Blair! Here's a shout out to all of us "imperfect" yet kick-butt moms out there!

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

i think you definitely do not give yourself enough credit.

seriously i can't remember the last time i said prayers with my babies...they do however get to hear my horrid singing every day. ;)

you are wickedly talented.

i love and adore you.

蔡靜芳蔡靜芳 said...

人生中最好的禮物就是屬於自己的一部份..................................................

Becky said...

I think that you are amazing. I have learned that you and I share a lot of the same things (feelings) and I, too, love BACON. Kim - I really really do love ya!

Olivia Singleton said...

I've been spending the last few days transferring over comments from my old blog to WordPress. I was continuously reminded of what a good friend and support you have been to me for YEARS. Thank you so much, Kim. You really are beautiful inside and out.

XOXO

Holly said...

Show me a woman that thinks she's a perfect mother and I'll show you a raging psychopath. You are giving them all the important stuff - batteries or not. So who cares about soap scum?

Sarah said...

you mean i'm supposed to clean that soap scum off the shower door?
you sound like the mom i'm trying to be. really enjoyed this post.

E's Mommy said...

Kim I love reading your blog. So much so I have you as a link on my own blog. I found you almost a year ago when I came upon Mrs. R's blog. I am inspired by the things you say all the time. You are truly an amazing gal. Never give up on yourself and know that so many feel the same way you do. Life is a hard road to travel and I'm grateful for your honesty as you travel yours. {hugs}

The Snellie's said...

I love you Kim. I love reading your blog and I know I tell you that everytime I see you. I look up to you so much. Thanks for being so sweet to me.

kimsueellen said...

Heather, thank you! Please give me your blog information so I can link you on my blog too! I am trying to be a better blog reader. xo

LoveYaMissYa said...

If there is anything I miss about Utah it would be living close to you! Shh... don't tell the family! You are an amazing person and I gather so much strength from all your post!

ThatOneWife said...

Regarding "I have breastfed and I have bottle fed and I prefer the latter. Even if I have to clean bottles. (See bullet #1)"

I *tried* to breast feed my #1, it lasted all of 6 weeks until he was so colicky that I just couldn't do it anymore. When I was pregnant with #2 I had problems and was on bed rest for 6 weeks and in the hospital for 10 days before she was born. When I was in the hospital getting ready to deliver, my Dr asked if I planned on breast feeding, he must have noticed my hesitation and he said..."You know, breast feeding doesn't make you a better mother. That comes from all of the thousands of things that you will do for and with this little girl for the rest of her life."

From that day forward, I was never sorry or felt that I was lacking because I didn't breast feed # 2, #3 or #4.

They are all adults and teenagers now and quite honestly they have turned out pretty swell!

Love your blog, Lady!

Valerie J.