I have debated for quite some time as to whether or not I should write about this. I have had the fear that if I do write this, that people may not understand, and worse yet, that it would make everyone, and even myself realize that I am not perfect, and sometimes I cannot do it alone.
I have felt this more than ever before today.
I am taking an anti-depressant.
There, I said it. I have been taking one for about four months now.
And you know what? I have never been happier.
I have never felt so FREE, so anti-anxious about EVERYTHING, so on top of the world.
How long had I been so down? How long had I let myself believe that I could take care of how I was feeling all on my own? That it was MY choice if I was happy, sad, depressed, anxious, tired, etc? YEARS more than likely. Definitely since a year after my marriage when I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. Seriously? SEVEN years of blech? A weight has been lifted off of me, that I hadn't realized was hanging onto my shoulders. I feel light. It is hard to explain, but it is real!
Wanna know how I realize how much better off I am with this tiny kiss of an anti-depressant than without? (This has happened ONCE before) But today, I was sitting on the couch for most of the morning, STRESSING about EVERY LITTLE thing I had to do. Stressing about the laundry, spending time with my kids, EDITING A WEDDING I FINISHED SHOOTING LAST NIGHT?! (Crazy right? Why should I be stressing about THAT?) etc...etc...I kind of went so far as to have zero desire to make dinner, and talked my husband into going to Arctic Circle. That is how you know I have reached a low point. Then it hit me. I have forgotten to take my medication for almost FIVE days. FIVE. Duh. I realized at that moment how much it is helping me to be a better wife, mother, sister, friend, and PERSON.
So I tell you this because, more than likely I will stay on these little lovelies for as long as they are helping me be a better wife and mother. I feel like my family is now the center of my life, instead of everyone else and their happiness or what they have thought about me. In a way, I am thankful for the horrendous post-partum depression that had me in it's vice, for without it I would not have had the courage to ask for help.
My husband was THE KING of, "You don't need pills to make you happy...to help you get through hard times." Now he is THE KING of, "Can you stay on those FOREVER...PLEASE?!" He is a believer, and so am I. I can't wait to find me again, after these blasted pills take effect once again. Can't wait.