I have about a million things I want to blog about. For some reason today this is taking priority.
I got a call today from a really old and a very dear, dear friend to me. See, she and her husband found out about three months ago that they were expecting twins! TWINS! How wonderful right? Well, yesterday, the found out that one of the babies did not make it. This is a deep and a profound loss as these babies were miracle babies conceived through IVF.
Hearing this news pained me deeply. I talked to her of my deep sorrow for the pain she is feeling, and for the undoubtable lack of significance that will be shed on her at this time. Because she is still pregnant with one beautiful tiny life, she fears people will forget that they began as two lives...and that is hard for her to handle. I told her how sorry I was, and it pained me to hear her say, "Oh it is okay." To which I replied, "NO IT ISN'T!"
So for me, I'm here to talk about what to do if you know someone struggling with pregnancy loss, no matter what stage of pregnancy, and how to help them, what to say, what not to say...none of this is gospel. It is just my take on stuff that I have gone through and the way I feel now. I will be completely honest and say that I never took "miscarriage" so heavily in the past until I lost a baby of my own. I was probably like most of you...or some of you, when you hear someone had a miscarriage. "Oh that sucks." "You can try again!" "You still have two beautiful children." And the list of well meaning thoughts goes on and on. Here are some things that have been on my mind constantly for the last little bit and especially today as I thought of my sweet friend.
When you talk to someone who lost a baby...tell them how much it stinks! How unfair it is! And if they try to tell you it is okay...tell them it IS NOT okay...and let them feel anger. Be there to listen to them if they want to talk, and respect the desire to be left alone if that is what they want. With that being said, you can do the following whether they are wanting to be surrounded or left alone. Just do it!
Do send a card in the mail.
Do send flowers.
Do make dinner.
Do offer to watch children so the couple can go on a date.
Do give giftcards to Blockbuster and a tub of popcorn.
Do bring Baskin Robbins.
If the person wants company, do their dishes...do their laundry...do vacuum....do something.
You have had a loss too, do talk about how you are feeling with your partner.
Do hold your partner when she throws things at the wall.
Let her throw her fits and tantrums.
Do hug...a lot.
Do support your spouse if she needs a little medication to help her through the loss.
There are a lot of things not to do. I'm not sure how to handle them because everyone is different. My biggest suggestion is trying not to lessen the loss. Allow someone to grieve. I am a very spiritual person. I believe every living thing has a spirit. I believe that these tiny lives have a spirit the second they are conceived. It is a loss. It is real. The feelings are tragic. Most of all be a true friend.
I know I am so thankful for mine during our struggle. I can honestly say I am healed and happy because of the love of so many. Hope this can help you help someone else.