Monday, January 9, 2012

3-Oh

I cannot tell you how excited I am to leave my 20's behind. Today is the day that happens. Sometime around 10 something this evening I will officially turn the big 3-0. I am thankful for it. I am excited about it.

I finally feel like I have found myself. Oddly though, I am sure ten years from now I will feel exactly the same about leaving my 30's behind, but for now I am anxious to see what the next years of my life hold in store for me.

I laid awake last night for an hour or so. My husband had his hand on my neck. He was fast asleep. I couldn't help but let my mind drift back over the past year of our lives. The past months have been crazy. They have been hard. My last birthday was miserable. We were so utterly unhappy. I didn't realize at that time why were were so unhappy. I remember hitting my knees so many, many times begging Heavenly Father to just make things better. I begged for mercy from the incredible pains we were enduring, so many, many times. My husband (who has so lovingly agreed to let me blog my feelings in order to share how we are changing and growing through this...for which I am thankful) was very much distant from me. I now understand why. I understand where his heart was last year at this time. Last night those thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't shake the sadness. I thought of this photo below which is very much how I have felt my entire twenty ninth year:



I felt separate from him. I was sad. I was barely keeping myself together, most days I would say I wasn't keeping myself together at all. The day before these photos were taken one of the last bombs dropped.

Only two and a half short weeks ago my marriage was on the verge of ending.

I said the awful words no one with children, no one who once upon a time loved their spouse fully and unconditionally should ever have to say: "I want a divorce."

I was the one to say it.

There. I said it.

Even more? I wrote it.

The question on everyone's mind the past year, answered.

It sucked. It is sad. It is embarrassing.

Most people won't talk about it, or don't because the world tells them they shouldn't, or people in their religion tells them they shouldn't. That is so silly. That is so dumb. All that tells us is that people all over the world are living sham marriages. Things always look good and perfect and happy at church on Sunday, when in actuality I am positive I was not alone in living sadly and hopelessly. I can tell you here, I wasn't alone. It wasn't until I said something that I stopped feeling so alone. I got so many beautiful emails from my readers in support of me. Knowing my pains, having been in my shoes. Readers giving me hope and support. Some saying, "You can get through this!" Others saying, "You may not get through this!" Many saying, "I know what you are feeling, I have been there, thank you for being brave enough to share this!"

I didn't feel brave. I was broken, I was absolutely 99.9% broken. My soul was crushed and I had nothing left to give to my marriage or to my husband. I very much felt like someone has covered me in honey and left me in the sun on top of an ant hill to die.

This has been a very ugly and terrible place to be.

It is a place I hope to be far, far, far away from with each day that passes from this one.

I was ready to head into a new unknown life. I was highly prepared to live alone, to be single, to be with just these littles (who have absolutely no knowledge of the struggles of their parents and I would like to keep it that way)...



However, life threw us back together. To a new unknown, one in which we are holding on tight to one another. 29 was a roller coaster year of my life full of nothing but plunging abysses, the deepest known to man. We are finally, after months and months and months and months, beginning the slow climb back up to the light. To the fun parts, to the good parts, to the happy parts. We begin my thirtieth year here:



A shadow of what we were. Nothing but a shadow. We begin anew and try equally with all of our hearts to put one another first and always. To build on our new beautiful relationship, and hopefully show the world that forgiveness is possible. Love is possible. Hope is possible.

I am happy for 30. I am anxious to see where it takes me, where it takes us.

**Beautiful imagery courtesy of my good friend Duston Todd .**

17 comments:

Arianne said...

You amaze me with every post Kim. You seriously are such an inspiration. Happy 30s. Love you Kim.

Arianne said...

You amaze me with every post Kim. You seriously are such an inspiration. Happy 30s. Love you Kim.

Aileen said...

hold tight to those hands. you will pull each other forward when you need to, and pick each other up if that becomes necessary, pull one another closer, clasp and pray together. hold those hands tight. xoxo

Noelle said...

Love you so much for this! I'm am so relieved for you. All of us who've known your struggles were going on this roller coaster ride with you. I'm so glad things are going up and... HAPPY BIRTHDAY! This year will be awesome!

moosh in indy. said...

You have been in my heart from 22 and will stay in my heart through 30 and beyond.

happy (truly happy) birthday love.

A.R. said...

I always think of the song "Long December" when I find myself at the end of a long and difficult trial. "It's been a long December and there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last."

You are a beautiful soul. Such beauty can only be loved and adored. It only should be loved and adored. It shouldn't be ignored, taken advantage of or taken for granted.

For very trivial reasons compared to yours, I tried to slink away from my marriage. Luckily he came home as I was throwing things into a suitcase to leave him. When he walked into the room, I didn't think I could ever love him again, let alone trust him.

This year will mark the fourth anniversary of the day that I told my husband I didn't want to be his wife anymore. It's been hard, it's been humiliating, it's been trying and it's been worth it. I haven't loved him this deeply for so long.

I can't wait for 30. It has to be so much better than 20 and I'm so tired of heartbreak. Maybe getting it all out of the way at once leaves more room for a huge piece of joy.

You're loved.

Bec said...

You have been such an example to me. I don't know what you're going through, but I feel a kinship with you. I wish I could meet you in real life. I know a little bit of you through Mrs. R and adoption (We adopted our daughter almost 2 years ago) Just a few months ago I found out my husband was having an affair. My world has been turned upside down. Sometimes I want to get a divorce and just start over, but other times I feel like knowing what I know now can change me into a better person, and him as well, and it's worth fighting for. I really admire you for sharing your feelings and your pictures. They are beautiful and truly capture emotion. Consequently, I will also be turning 30 this year - so this post really spoke to me and I finally decided to comment after lurking for a few months. I recently also found this blog - and wanted to share it with you. http://www.ablogaboutlove.com/ It has given me a lot to think about. Thank you for sharing so much on your blog to be an inspiration to us all.

Christal said...

Beautiful post beautiful you and hopefully a beautiful year full of good things to leave all the hurt sadness and despair behind Happy 30th kim you are an inspiration and my prayers are with you for whatever journey and direction lays ahead:)

Emily said...

I don't feel like I have much more to say--everyone else has said it so beautifully. You are an inspiration. To have come as far as you have in what seems to me (not to you, I'm sure) a short time is amazing. This post if filled with hope, faith, love and strength. I am excited to see what 2012 brings for you and your sweet family. (Selfishly I hope it brings more lunch dates with you.)

duston todd said...

hot damn!!!
it is so insanely rad how you are connecting with these photos. it is so utterly fulfilling as a photographer to see you heal and progress through 2d imagery.
the first image may not be your favorite, but is one of mine. so much truth is spoken. the typical superficial palette of what we know as a family photo is scraped away and for 1/60th of a second we can see what is really going on. thank you for trusting in me and my work. thank you for digging into the images and finding roots and the hope to hold on to...the shadows of yesterday...walking forward into the light of tomorrow...HELL YES Orlandini Family!!!
i have hope and faith in you as well.
may you continue to enjoy the sweet as you pass from the bitter.
may you continue to nourish your living and fragile marriage.
may you seek happy nights to happy days!

Melinda said...

Happy Birthday!! I hope this yer is amazing!

P.S. I am happy you are back to blogging. I've missed reading your posts.

Melody said...

you are amazing. i can't even imagine the strength and humility this takes to overcome. you inspire me to want to be a better wife and person in general.

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

I love everything Dustin said. Well put.

Happy Birthday.

I hope 30 is as good to you, as it has been for me. There is something about growing old with the one you love that makes it so much better.

Love always.

Hillary said...

Happy 30th birthday. I so admire your honesty, especially because talking about how marriages are hard and can really suck sometimes is taboo in LDS culture. I hope you continue to blog about what you've been through and what you've learned, because you're not alone. And when you blog about it, you help others to not feel alone.

So much of blogging (and church, really) seems to be of happy, shiny, smiling, perfect families. I wish everyone would get real! Because the truth is, sometimes I feel like my marriage is unraveling, and coping with infertility is about killing me. And it sure would be nice to feel less alone, you know? Blogs like yours really help with that.

I hope this year brings you immeasurable happiness, peace, and growth.

Camilla said...

I just love you Kim! Todd and I went through something similar when I was in my 20s. As I hit my 30s there was still so much heartache and pain as Todd continued to recover from the stroke that nearly ended his life, and I didn't even know what to expect the rest of our lives to look like. I'm pleased to report that my 30's have been awesome so far, or at least we've come from the darkness into the shadows of potential awesomeness. I hope it's the same for you.

Thank you for being so honest in your blogging. This is probably one of my favorite blog posts of all time. Love you!

vanessa said...

Its not the church or gospel that teach us or tell us not to say anything. It is the people *IN* the church that are incorrect. Darn them for messing up and casting another bad light on our religion. It is so frustrating.

Can't wait to see family pictures with you in your 30s! Looking beautiful Kimmie

mandee said...

Absolutely phenomenal post! Gorgeous photos...there is truly only one YOU! I love you!