Friday, March 28, 2008

This is it.

****Disclaimer: Please be advised, especially if you are of the male species, or are faint of heart, I talk about a lot of "womanly parts", issues, blood and lots of details that go with losing a child in utero. Please feel free to read on, or please know that you have been warned. Thank you. ****

EARLY Sunday morning. We're talking 1 a.m. so early in fact, none of us had even gone to bed yet. So, I guess you could say late Saturday night, I was giving my kids a bath. (Yes, I realize that seems like an unusual time to be giving your kids a bath, but we had been gone ALL day and had JUST finished putting the new beds together, put on the sheets, and needed to give baths for church the next day. It was then that I noticed some spotting. It was right before I was giving the kids a bath, and it was enough to freak me out, but not enough to send me to the ER. So I called Flavio up to give the kids a bath. We talked about what to do. Most of the books say this is normal. I was a bit worried this time as this wasn't the first time in the last month I have had this problem. We decided to see how things went on Sunday and then call first thing Monday morning to see what the doctor wanted to do.

Sunday morning, I woke bright and early, I think 6:30 a.m. as I had to go and pick up LJ from the Shelter Home at 9:00. We had church at 10:00 a.m. It was Stake Conference. I was an EMOTIONAL WRECK all day on Sunday. I was feeling like an emotional roller coaster. I would be fine one minute, horrid the next, yelling, screaming, crying. LJ was not a good boy at church and my children were not the best either...and then there was me, not helping the situation at all, and Flavio not wanting me to do much since I was spotting earlier that morning. The bleeding had stopped, so I wasn't too worried. It wasn't enough to even worry me to wear a pad or anything at church. That is how I am talking, no worries. Anyway, Conference was great as we had a special guest Boyd K. Packer. I can't tell you now what he said, I had wanted to blog about it...but life was a little crazy that day. After church I just wasn't feeling tops. We were to go to Flavio's parents for lunch right after, but decided that I, and the kids needed a nap. I never did fall asleep, but at least the kids got in a solid hour. Still, I wasn't bleeding anymore, so I was feeling a lot better about that, but was anxious to call the office in the morning.

Dinner with the family was good. My husband's cousin was there with her new baby, and everyone took the kids outside to play so I got to hold little Daniel for two hours while he slept and I enjoyed me some "Shall We Dance". It was a good movie, I hadn't seen it. It was so nice to just sit there and relax after an emotional day. We came home, got all the kids in bed, and surprisingly all went smoothly. We decided to have Emm and Joth share since LJ sleeps with the door shut. (SO nice...can I just tell you. My kids would NEVER!) Then Flavio and I stayed up until about 11. We usually stay up watching CSI Weekends until 2:00 a.m. but I was EXHAUSTED. So we went to bed, and again, the bleeding was non-existent.

At about 3:45 a.m. Monday morning I woke up with the feeling that A: I had either "peed myself", or B: The fact which I knew, I was bleeding. I ran into the bathroom and indeed it was the latter. There was a lot. I yelled for Flavio, then started bawling, and shaking, knowing instantly that the possiblity of this pregnancy going to full term was not good. We got dressed, Flavio gave me a beautiful blessing. How he even found the words was just a testimony to me that he was not the one giving it. I really wish I could remember everything that was said, instead I just remember the reassurance that I felt. The promise that this experience would only strengthen my testimony if I would allow it to, and that Heavenly Father loved me. I calmed a little at that, to the point that I wasn't wracking with sobs anymore. Flavio called his parents and they got to the house at 3:55 a.m. Somewhere in there I had called the emergency line to my doctor's office, spoke to the doctor on call and he told us to go to the emergency room.

We arrived shortly after 4:00 a.m. Love that my husband sped the entire way. He is really mad he didn't get pulled over. Funny. We walked into the ER and we were helped immediately. The new IMC is 'da bomb! The nurse who helped me then was SO great, and reassuring. We waited a little bit when Dr. Burke a.k.a HOTTIE came in. (Edited to note...by Flavio, that he was as BUFF and "TOUGH" as he is. Sorry honey, Dr. B was a little hotter than you. :( Hope you still love me. ) He had to have been my age if not a year or so older. Of all times to have Dr. Hottness, it had to be now, I hadn't showered in 24, and my eyes were the size of ping pong balls with their swollen redness. He talked to us about what was going to happen. They would do a small ultrasound, and go from there. They brought in the machine, and Dr. Burke proceeded to look for little baby Peanut and hopefully the heartbeat. He couldn't find one. I know that he tried so hard to find one, because he said, "Kim, I am so sorry I can't find a heartbeat, now that either means I can't find one because this ultrasound machine is too small, or it means that your baby had died." Commence ugly cry and me reassuring Dr. Hottie it was in fact that the baby was gone and it was okay for him to say so. I could tell he was hurting for us. (Dr. Hott had on a CTR ring, which for me made me feel a ton better. I am not sure why...but knowing he was LDS was really comforting for me at that moment.) Dr. Burke called down an ultrasound tech to take us down to another, more appropriate machine. It was his job to determine if in fact there was a fetal heart tone. Flavio recalls never seeing anyone look so hard for something. Flavio said he saw him type no fetal h/b, then delete, look again, then re-type. He then gave us the news that in fact the baby had died. He proceeded to give a full ultrasound, just like they do when the baby is 20 weeks. The glorious one where they measure, then tell you what sex the baby is etc. Unfortunately, they could not tell if our baby was a boy or a girl. There is a lot of discrepancy as to how old our baby was when they died. It could have been as much as two weeks. They aren't sure. I didn't want to watch the ultrasound, but looking back I am so glad that I made myself take the small glances that I did. I saw the beautiful little hands, and profile, and little tiny face. Those images are all I have to carry with me. I wish I had forced myself to watch more, but my heart was burst and I wasn't sure how much I could handle without totally losing it.

We went back to our room where Dr. Burke informed me I would get every girl's favorite exam. This nurse brought in "The Pelvic Cart". Really that is what it was called, she pulled out all the "necessities" and the special "speculum". Dr. B. literally says, "I'm gonna need a bigger speculum. I know that isn't what you want to hear right now." Commence joking laughter...and me just thinking get this the heck over with PLEASE. So he does his biz with that, then proceeds to "find my cervix". Poor Dr. Hott, probably only had to do that exam 5 times in his entire life, couldn't find my cervix. It was THE single most painful exam I have ever had. And believe me I have had my fair share...thanks endometriosis. Basically I wanted to scream..."IF YOU HAVEN'T FOUND IT...YOU WILL NEVER FIND IT!" I have a freaking weird uterus, once I explained that, he found my cervix and told me it was dilated. Lovely. So, he finishes his biz, is washing his hands and tells us that he is going to find the doctor on call and decide what they want to do. Begin ugly cry again, and for the first time in my life, I stand up for myself and said, "DO NOT SEND ME HOME LIKE THIS!" I refused to go home, suffer hemorrhage, pain, anguish, and have to dig my baby out of the toilet so they could examine the tissue. I could not handle that...yay me for freaking out. Dr. Burke said, "I won't make you any promises, but I will tell him how you feel."

In comes Dr. Irion. Holla to Dr. I. because he made us smile, laugh, cry, and feel better all at the same time. He gave us A LOT of options. Go home, stay and they could induce labor, or three, they could do a D&C. He said if I had come in a few days later, the only option I would have had then would be to induce labor and give birth vaginally. I cannot tell you how thankful I was for being 16 weeks 3 days pregnant and not 17 weeks. I don't know how I would have dealt with that. Dr. E. was going home for the day...and Dr. Larkin was on call. He came in and visited with us, they got us up to Same Day Surgery by 7:30. They had given me some morphine for the pain, and probably to keep the crazy one at bay. I was thankful for that because I was feeling REALLY good. Not so much emotionally, but physically. I was loving the cable on TV, and enjoyed me a few hours of "A Baby Story" and "Bringing Baby Home" on TLC. You should have seen the looks on the nurses faces when they came in. Something to the effect, "Why on earth is this woman watching this?" Ya, I know...but I did, I wanted to, my favorite shows, we don't get to watch at home. I sent Flavio home around 9:30 a.m. to check on the fort...and to get his binder with all of his client information, as he needed to cancel a lot of work for the day. Besides, it could be HOURS before they got me in. 15 minutes after he left they were ready for me.

They wheeled me up to the OR, and met with Anesthesiologist a.k.a Dr. Hotty #2. As they were prepping me, he was so great to me, told me to have a nice nap! And that is all I remember until I woke up. Now, if any of you out there have ever been "put under" you may recall what it is like coming out of the anesthetic. I have gone under once before, and I still get embarrassed about the things I said and the way I came out of it. This time was very different. I could not open my eyes but I remember being very clear minded. The first thing I heard was, "Hi, my name is Jenna, I'll be your nurse while you are in recovery." Two minutes later, I said, "Jenna!? Jenna. I really feel like I am bleeding a lot!" To which Jenna replies, "Kim, that is really normal to feel after this procedure." To which I replied, "No, Jenna, I really feel like I am BLEEDING TO DEATH!" Jenna ripped the blanket off of me at that point and said, "Okay!" Within a minute there were five people around my bed. Dr. Larkin was not far behind. I was being turned to and fro (still trying to open my freaking eyes that wouldn't work). It was like something out of ER..."40 units Pitocin stat", "something units in her BUTT, stat" etc, etc...there were shots in the bumm, two different narcotics pumped into the I.V. and one very nervous doctor calling for an ultrasound machine. They finally found one, he couldn't see very well, so he called his ultrasound tech down from the office. I can't recall what they were looking for, I heard a lot about "clots" and "fetal parts" to which I remember wanting to YELL...EXCUSE ME!? I am AWAKE. I don't think they thought I was. Anyway, Dr. L gave me three separate exams within a five minute period, each time literally pulling huge clots from inside me. And pushing SO freaking hard on my uterus that I literally have bruises. I was crying, so out of it, no husband (I was in recovery anyway.) Sweet, sweet Jenna took my hand and let me squeeze the living daylights out of it. I don't ever remember hurting so much in my entire life. All I could remember with my closed eyes and brief eye openings, the prayers that were going through my head. "Please Father in Heaven, don't let me die, let them get this bleeding under control." "Please don't let this end in hysterectomy, I don't think I could go on after what I have suffered." 40 minute hemorrhage. I don't think anyone is sure how much blood I lost. I remember when it had finally slowed enough, and the doctor just telling them, "We need to watch her for five hours." Not sure how long I was in recovery, it felt to me like 15 minutes, Flavio said it was more like 2 hours. I have never seen a better sight then when they wheeled me out and my sweetheart was waiting by the elevator. I just love him so much.

They took me downstairs back to Same Day Surgery, hoping to watch me for a few hours then send me home. These rooms are not equipped to handle (nor are the nurses I believe) what I had just endured. It was an awful four and a half hours waiting in that little room. I WAS SICK! I had gotten a SEVERE headache, from either the lack of blood, or the number of meds that they gave me, or a combination of both, that and I hadn't eaten in almost 24 hours. I was not in good shape. I slept for a while. Dr. L. came to see us around 2:00 p.m. did his "clot check" as I like to call it...feels much like an entire fist going in somewhere it shouldn't...wilst a painful push to the uterus through the tummy. Gah...pain. Finally around 4:30 p.m. I wasn't bleeding like they wanted me to, and the concern overcame the need to send me home, so Dr. Larkin admitted me overnight to the Women's Center.

I got up to the room at about 5:00 p.m. And waiting for me were some more GLORIOUS...(I say that with all sarcasm) uterine contractors...and THE SWEETEST NURSE ON THE PLANET. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father made her my nurse. Marcia...she was so kind, and so loving, took me to the bathroom...and talked to me for the rest of her 2 hour shift. (Flavio had to go home because after all we had LJ...and no more babysitter for the rest of the evening...which meant I would be alone. I was okay with that, in fact, I longed to be alone.) Marcia shared with me her experience with mulitple miscarriage...always at six weeks gestation she told me. She talked about her two lovely children, now adults that were adopted through LDSFS. Dr. Larkin came in at around 5:30 p.m. to see how things were going...MUCH better...and luckily only a uterine push from the outside. (YAY!) He told me what a scare "I" gave them. Tee hee..."I" are you kidding me?! I joked about that. He was glad I was staying the night so they could watch me and make sure things were okay.

After Marcia left a few of my sweet friends came to visit, Wendy (whom I BEGGED to bring me her new baby...(the birth story if you remember.)), Cassie, Carly, and my parents. My little sisters came with my parents, I think they were really afraid I was going to die, and just begged my mom to see me. I was sad everyone came ALL AT ONCE...only because I would have loved to visit with everyone a little more one on one...(don't be sad that I say that, it was wonderful to have all of you, I just felt like I didn't get my full use of you...and felt bad for you. ;). The other sucky thing is everyone kind of left all at once and I was left alone to think about what I had just endured. The new nurse was sweet, but I could tell she didn't know what to say to me or how to act. She brought me lots of graham crackers and Lorna Doone cookies. Not my favorites, but I am loving graham crackers now. ;) It was hard to hear the baby in the room next door and to realize that of all the times I have been on this floor, visiting my friends, and remembering the last time I got "the green water mug" and had hospital bands, they would bring me a baby every two hours to nurse, and that I would get to take that baby home. I didn't sleep well. I woke at 5:00 a.m. for a shower. I just wanted to go home. Dr. Terry came in at 8:00 a.m. and signed my discharge, checked my progress and jokingly told me my husband would only get "two weeks of cold showers". Sorry honey! Breakfast came, and I cried when I was done and I saw the menu, and that my diet was the "New Mom" diet. I wish it had been.

I was dressed and ready to go. I was waiting for sweetheart to gather up the three kids to come and pick me up. I called him at nine...then nine-thirty. Looking back I know why he was late, because MY sweet, sweet Dr. Lloyd had come to see ME. He apologized for not having been there the day before, then told me about how his son, who is suffering from brain cancer was doing. He had spent the day up at the hospital with him. Commence bawling and tears from us both, as I told him he was where he needed to be. I can't imagine his pain, knowing that you could possibly lose your child after 30+ years of loving them. Wow. He also shared with me the loss of their first child at 26 weeks. The many tears that are shed, the wondering. He reminded me that it was okay to cry, that I NEEDED to cry. He said, "That is what makes you a good mother...your tears. It shows you love." Bawling. I needed to see him. He was with us when sweet Jothan was born. I remember that morning so clearly, Dr. L's own daughter was the L&D nurse, and I remember just feeling the spirit in that room. He was with us when little Emmaree took her first breath and I held that sweet little girl for the first time. He didn't need to be there when we lost little Peanut. Just him taking his time to see me was enough.

We got home at about 11:30 a.m. on Tuesday morning. A good friend from my old ward called me at around 4:00 p.m. She works in Dr. Lloyd's office. She mentioned how she wasn't working the day before, but as she was getting ready to leave the office today, one of her jobs is to put away all the charts that were used throughout the day. Every chart that is expecting a baby has a "blue sticker" she saw my name and wondered, "Where is Kim's blue sticker? It must have fallen off!" So, she proceeded to go get a new blue sticker to put on the chart. (How sweet is that?) When she opened the chart to find the billing for "One D&C and 40 minute hemmorhage". She just cried then...ran to talk to Dr. Lloyd. They talked for while, his little heart aching for us. It felt so good to hear how highly he thought of me. Because I was feeling like a trash heap by that time on Tuesday. I am so thankful that she called and talked to me for an HOUR.

This week has been hard. The only thing that comes close, as I said before, was our failed placement. The pain is very similar and very different. This time there is a lot of physical pain. Today has been the worst since Monday. But I am healing.

I haven't had much time for myself. LJ requires a lot of our time, he has a lot of appointments. I have had many talks with our family social worker with the state...and after yesterday I am not sure I can handle this. I made a promise to give things one more week. Today was a hard day. And after yesterday I am not sure I can see his mom go through her pregnancy. I don't think I am strong enough. I feel no malice toward her. It was not my intent to have anyone feel that toward her either. My heart aches for her...but I am not sure I can be the one to help her through this. I am trying with all of my heart to make this work...to deal with my own broken heart and help LJ with his. We are all having a really hard time. I just don't know when something is going to give. I wish I could share more about his case. All I can say, he will definitely be going back to his mom, and if not her, his grandparents.

I hope that by sharing some of these things that I help someone who has gone through this same experience. I am feeling a lot of darker emotions that I am afraid to tell anyone, I may have shared with only a few, but there is a lot about losing this baby that has my head spinning. I can't believe that this baby is gone. I made it so far. I am afraid that this was my last chance at bringing a baby into this world. It is too soon to even contemplate such things. I just need to let myself heal. My arms feel so empty. I hate these feelings.

41 comments:

Arianne said...

oh kim I just want to reach through the computer and HUG you! I wish it wasn't 10pm or I would jump in my car and just comfort you! I am so glad you shared your story. It is a good part of healing. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Losing a child is NOT an easy thing to go through. The pain, the lonliness the emptiness, the suffering. I don't understand why any mother has to go through it. We may not have all our answers here on this earth but I know somday you will understand why you had to go through this horrible trial in losing your miracle "peanut". I know I have told you this a million times but please call me ANY TIME, day or night I am here for you. Even if you just need a friend to cry with. I love you Kim! I PROMISE you will get through this!!

Shannon said...

I too just want to give you a big hug!

Trinbean said...

I read your post today and it brought back those same feelings I had when i had my miscarriage(D&C). It is so hard to know that one minute you have a small little baby inside of you and then the next it is taken away. It is definately a very difficult thing to go through but you will get through this. If there is truely another child waiting for you it will happen. There is a plan for all of us and I truely believe there is a reason for everything that happens and you will someday know why you have had to go through these trials. I am so sorry to hear of the difficulty and pain you have had to go through...hang in there and just know you are not alone!!!

Amy said...

Thank you for sharing this. You are quite the woman. I hope you feel like you can lean on others. So many people love you and want to help any way they can. But most of all, your Father loves you. I hope you never forget that. Please please please call if you need anything, even if its just a free hug. I'm just down the street, and you know I don't sleep, ever. ;)

*hugs*

Amy

Emily said...

I love you, Kim, and I am praying for you.

Heather said...

I wish I could take this pain away from you and your sweet little family. I am so sorry about everything.

Thank you for sharing your experience. You brought up a lot of memories for me and it felt good to know someone else who had to go through similar experiences. You are meant for big things my little Kim!! Your faith, your endurance, and your loving nature has helped and will continue to help many!!

If there is anything I can do let me know!! It's hard with the dark thoughts...I am so sorry!!

I love you Kim, hang in there!!

dust and kam said...

Oh Kim, I am thinking of you. (I linked here from a few mutual friends). My heart aches for you. I lost my sweet baby at 19 weeks three and a half years ago and it has been one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as your heart begins to find peace and comfort. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It helps me to find strength and to know that there are people who know how I have felt and can relate.

Thinking of you!

Samantha said...

I am sitting her sobbing - tears just streaming down my face.

Trina said...

I am so sorry you have to endure so much pain right now. My heart and prayers are with you. I am in my Maternity rotation for nursing school right now, so your experience touches a very tender spot in my heart (tears, lots of tears). Lots and lots of hugs, Trina.

Samantha said...

Ok, I so did not mean to hit enter just then. Oops! Here goes part 2...

As I was saying, I am a teary, snotty mess. I am just amazed at your strength & bravery. I know you said you don't feel very strong or brave. But YOU ARE. If you weren't, then Heavenly Father wouldn't require this of you. I know you'll find your way through.

Ron and Jessica said...

Life is so contradicting...nobody deserves to go thru what you have gone thru. Our trial is very different from yours, but the goal to have a family is the same. Right now you are in the refiner's fire, but God doesn't love you any less than anyone else. I know you know that, but I still wanted to say it. God loves you just as much today as He did last month. He loves you just as much tomorrow as He will forever and ever. Continue to weary Him with your prayers and He will bless you! With Love, - Jessica

Amanda said...

HUGS!!! That is all I can do and say. you know I love you and I empathize with you. Just think, maybe our babies are playing in heaven!

Sarah said...

You are in our thoughts and prayers.

Wendy said...

Kim - I am glad that you were able to share. I know that for me talking did finally help me to heal some. You will never forget that sweet little one. I know that Heavenly Father is aware of you and will take care of you and your family.

Carrie said...

Kim, I love you! My heart is aching for your sweet, beautiful family! I am so sorry that you went through such a scary and painful experience! I pray that you will be comforted and gain strength that you'll need during this time of grief and mourning. One day at a time. I wish there was something, anything, that I could do to help or even take away your pain! I'm here. Anytime you need a hug!

I found this talk and thought that it might bring you some comfort. I love you!
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=e74427cd3f37b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1

Amy and Josh said...

Kim,

I am so glad you are alive!!! You shine such a warm light to those around you and I can't imagine what it would be like without you!!

I can't even imagine going through all that, and what your dear Flavio went through as well. I just wanted to cry when you spoke of how they wheeled you to the Elevator and your "sweetheart" was waiting for you . . . many emotions.

I pray things will get better for you and your family with each day. Just like all of your sweet friends I too wish I could hug you and do anything to ease your empty arms. I just love you so much!!-Amy

The Ashlee said...

Hi Kim,

Its slacker Ashlee from "the old ward". I read your blog everyday. When i read your post that you were expecting i meant to send you an e-mail but forgot. Then when i came on here on Tuesday and read about your loss i cried for you. You are an amazing woman, whom i love very much. You are such a wonderful example of a loving wife, mother, sister, and friend. As i was reading this post many emotions ran through my heart and my mind. The way you speak of Flavio as your sweetheart makes me want to find my sweetheart. I miss hearing your sweet sweet testimony, it strengthened mine. I wish that i would have gotten to know you are cute family better. I have know that you have the support of your family and close friends, but if you need anything let me know. I would love to come "watch" your sweet children if you and flavio wanted to have a night on the town. I love you very much you and your family are in my daily thoughts and prayers.

Leisha said...

XOXOXO I don't know what to say more than that.... !!!!

moosh in indy. said...

I am in tears. That you were made to endure all that (I COULD HAVE NEVER IMAGINED SUCH THINGS COULD HAPPEN) and that you were sent the perfect people to take care of you.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. I love you so much it hurts and only wish I could bring you food and hugs and HELP.
love you love you love you

moosh in indy. said...

I am in tears. That you were made to endure all that (I COULD HAVE NEVER IMAGINED SUCH THINGS COULD HAPPEN) and that you were sent the perfect people to take care of you.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. I love you so much it hurts and only wish I could bring you food and hugs and HELP.
love you love you love you

Lilli said...

I think about and pray for you every day!

Michelle said...

Kim, I appreciate your words and sharing your feelings. It's SO good to share instead of sufferring alone. It's such a good example and reminder to me since you know I struggle with that. Look how many people love you and care about you. You have a talent for expressing yourself through words so well. You write so beautifully. I was on the edge of my seat and I felt like I was right with you. I wish I had been just like so many of your friends wish too. I wish there was something I could do for you to make this go away, like a bad dream. Sorry about Larkin's rough ways. I remember that first hand and he doesn't have such great luck w/ women bleeding either! I think both of us scared him to death! :) I hope for only the best. I know miracles happen and I am confident you have seen many and will continue to witness them in your own life whatever they may be. Hang in there. Please include me as one of so many who are here for you in whatever capacity I could help you. You KNOW that me taking your kids for anything at any time would be a privelege for me. I would love to come get them for you. Just say when. Continue to rest and heal. Thanks again for your words. Love you.

Ponczoch Family said...

Thank you for sharing your experience. What a reminder that life is so fragile.... I'm going to hug my girls a little longer today. You are an amazing woman, and it is evident by all of the beautiful comments left that many people are hurting with you and praying for you.

Loralee Choate said...

I am so very, very sorry, Kim.

Truly. It breaks my heart that parents ever, ever have to lose a child.

Holly said...

I am so sorry you had to experience this. But so glad you are physically recovering - that is incredibly scary. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I hope you will call me if you need ANYthing - even if its just some one to come hang out.

mommyoffour said...

Thanks for sharing your story Kim. I am sure it has strengthened a lot of people and makes us aware of what your family had to go through. I am so grateful you have a strong and amazing husband to support you and to be with you. Seriously, what would we do without them? What a scary experience you had to go through. I am glad you are doing ok and always remember that you are continually in my prayers. Love you!

Amy said...

Well...I heard all that in person, and that still made me cry!!! I love you so much Kim and we're still praying for you.

Crystalyn said...

glad you are ok kim. the bleeding can be such a scary thing. thankfully you could tell and thankfully you were in a place with people that were able to take care of you. once again, so sorry for you loss.

thinking of you...

Whitney said...

I am so sorry. What a scary experience to have to go though. Thank Heavens for a wonderful husband, it sounds like you are definately blessed in that area. I really admire that you have the strength to share your story! You are in our prayers and thoughts.

mrs. r said...

oh kim! tears and tears and tears. i will be home on wednesday and will come over later on this week. i love you!

i am reminded of isaiah's beautiful words:

“The Lord hath anointed me … to give … beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness” (Isaiah 61:1, 3).

somehow, the Lord can make beauty out of the ashes of your pain. somehow. that's why He is God. there is oil of joy waiting for you. He will wrap you in the garment of praise.

He has for me. He will do it for you.

Can't wait to hug on you and visit!

sam {temptingmama} said...

I am so so very sorry for your loss!

My thoughts are with you and your family.

The Gag-nears said...

You are stronger than you think. You are on the temple prayer rolls and in our prayers. You will make it through. I love you Kim. You have always been an inspiration for me. If you can in ALL of your spare time (sarcasm heavy) look up the talke by Elaine Dalton from the recent YW broadcast. It really helped me see things better. You are amazing

Brenley said...

I can't even imagine. I am so glad that you had those sweet angels to help you through this! I have been praying for you!

Jayna G. Friberg-Cleamons said...

Kim,
I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I was just bawling when I read your story. It brought back so many memories of Arianne and Spencer, and memories of when I had a post surgical hemmorage that nearly cost me my life, as well. It's frightening, it's horrifying, it's devastating. No one knows unless they have been through it. You wrote your story so beautifully. Thank you for sharing with all of us. I wish I could give you a big hug, too. Love, Jayna

Happy everything said...

Kim, I always read your posts and i am feeling like your friend, I would love to hug you. Really, I understand your pain and I love you so much. I tried to call you, but I am never luck to talk to you. We miss you and we are going to pray for you! I am glad that my cousin is a really good husband for you!

Marc and Megan said...

It is so hard to find the right words. Reading your experience was like re-living our loss four and a half years ago. The pain is so real. I know the Lord is keenly aware of you right now. I hope you continue to feel His love through all of this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Heather said...

Thank you for sharing your story, Kim. I wish I could say I knew what you were going through, but I am certain it is the hardest thing you'll ever face. You're in a club you never wanted to join, but those of us who aren't in it feel for you and support you - even strangers like me.

Laur said...

oh my heck kimmy, I can't believe I missed your blog, i was at home with a sick family with the flu and haven't seen your blog in a while. I can't believe you are going thru all this. Like I said in my comment up above, I want you to email me and then I am going to come over and see you.

Miss Myra said...

holy shiz. welcome to the broken body club! i think you have earned the vice presidency. i am of course the presidente!

Katie said...

I came across your blog from mrs. r's (who is an amazing person). I thank you for sharing your experience. I can only feel a small part of your pain and agony. I lost a baby on April 14th, but I was only 5 weeks and 2 days along. I couldn't imagine being as far along as your were. I really thought I was okay, then after a few days, I just broke down. I cried and cried...I just didn't understand. My mind kept telling me to put my trust in the Lord, but my heart just couldn't yet. I will still grieving. My sister is pregnant, and I was due 10 days after her. It has been so hard for me to watch her, but I have tried so hard to make this a happy experience for her although it is tearing me apart. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story.

Kjrsten said...

OH KIM!

What in the samheck am i doing on this page at 1am in the morning! Tears. tears. tears. Thank you for posting this. I wont be able to sleep tonight after reading this. but thank you. I think we can always learn something from sadness, grief, and the trials of others. I can't wait to squeeze the living daylights out of you in one week-ish!