...a lot today. About a great many things. Just how much my testimony has been tried and strengthened the last few days. I am completely exhausted, but have so much going through my mind, hopefully some of this makes sense. I would like to share our story with you, in a few days. It is very personal, but I have found by sharing it, I feel like I am strengthened as are others. The pieces and glimpses as to why people "had to find out" about our pregnancy...even though it was to end in tragedy, are coming together. I had felt it all along, in some way or another, but it hasn't been until now that I realize it is to help others, and to help me to survive this.
I have been thinking a lot about my friend Michelle lately. As well as her husband. I have known them for seemingly forever. How many years now? I think 14. That is a really long time. I hope she doesn't mind my sharing a little bit, but the thing that is sticking out in my mind right now was their example of love and courage as they struggled to start their family. Often times I have wondered why we were lead to LDSFS. Because both times we were able to eventually get pregnant. I know I have shared this in the past, but when we were told we may never be able to conceive children of our own, very early in our marriage, we knew that we would not let that stop us. My friend Mrs. R. wrote a post about this a few weeks ago. I am so tired I won't take the time to look for it, but it is worth the time if you go look. Anyway, it was about having to adopt and choosing to adopt. The whole, glass half full, glass half empty. Either way, no matter if we ever had biological children, or if we never were able to, we knew that adoption was something that we wanted to do. My Flavio too, seeing how his brother was adopted, it was never a question. I think back to Michelle and Anthony, and how their example of love for one another, and the way their miracles came to them, has always strengthend me in my resolve to get my family to this earth. I just want to thank them for that. For that small push along the way, when I was growing up, after I was married, the beautiful example of what adoption is and how it changes the life of the child, the life of both the birth parents and the adoptive couple.
My mind has gone to adoption a lot in the past 48 hours. I don't know why this had to happen. I feel very empty handed. It didn't really hit me that my baby was gone until today when I went to the medicine cabinet for some pain medication, and I went for the Tylenol of all things (my script was right there) and I just had to laugh, then I cried. Flavio was right there, and all I said was, "I just realized I wasn't pregnant anymore." It is an odd feeling. One of the most difficult thing has been watching my sweet husband hurt through this. He is a quiet man, very humble. He hurts a lot. I would do anything to take that pain away. Anything. I know we are not unfortunately not the first to go through this, nor will we be the last, but want to share my feelings with you. And if anything, to keep a record of how I am feeling, 'cause I'll say I will write it in my journal and I never will...so this is my remembrance.
Anyway...adoption...I'll end with...we're "finding" again. I have ordered some new pass along cards since my sweet friend gave them all away. And really, just how thankful I am for the people I have met through our journey at LDSFS, some of them have been my rock and my strength through this.
Sorry this is so scrambled, blame it on the narcotics. ;)
For your viewing pleasure...some photos of ME from Hawaii! Enjoy.