Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I've been thinking...

...a lot today. About a great many things. Just how much my testimony has been tried and strengthened the last few days. I am completely exhausted, but have so much going through my mind, hopefully some of this makes sense. I would like to share our story with you, in a few days. It is very personal, but I have found by sharing it, I feel like I am strengthened as are others. The pieces and glimpses as to why people "had to find out" about our pregnancy...even though it was to end in tragedy, are coming together. I had felt it all along, in some way or another, but it hasn't been until now that I realize it is to help others, and to help me to survive this.

I have been thinking a lot about my friend Michelle lately. As well as her husband. I have known them for seemingly forever. How many years now? I think 14. That is a really long time. I hope she doesn't mind my sharing a little bit, but the thing that is sticking out in my mind right now was their example of love and courage as they struggled to start their family. Often times I have wondered why we were lead to LDSFS. Because both times we were able to eventually get pregnant. I know I have shared this in the past, but when we were told we may never be able to conceive children of our own, very early in our marriage, we knew that we would not let that stop us. My friend Mrs. R. wrote a post about this a few weeks ago. I am so tired I won't take the time to look for it, but it is worth the time if you go look. Anyway, it was about having to adopt and choosing to adopt. The whole, glass half full, glass half empty. Either way, no matter if we ever had biological children, or if we never were able to, we knew that adoption was something that we wanted to do. My Flavio too, seeing how his brother was adopted, it was never a question. I think back to Michelle and Anthony, and how their example of love for one another, and the way their miracles came to them, has always strengthend me in my resolve to get my family to this earth. I just want to thank them for that. For that small push along the way, when I was growing up, after I was married, the beautiful example of what adoption is and how it changes the life of the child, the life of both the birth parents and the adoptive couple.

My mind has gone to adoption a lot in the past 48 hours. I don't know why this had to happen. I feel very empty handed. It didn't really hit me that my baby was gone until today when I went to the medicine cabinet for some pain medication, and I went for the Tylenol of all things (my script was right there) and I just had to laugh, then I cried. Flavio was right there, and all I said was, "I just realized I wasn't pregnant anymore." It is an odd feeling. One of the most difficult thing has been watching my sweet husband hurt through this. He is a quiet man, very humble. He hurts a lot. I would do anything to take that pain away. Anything. I know we are not unfortunately not the first to go through this, nor will we be the last, but want to share my feelings with you. And if anything, to keep a record of how I am feeling, 'cause I'll say I will write it in my journal and I never will...so this is my remembrance.

Anyway...adoption...I'll end with...we're "finding" again. I have ordered some new pass along cards since my sweet friend gave them all away. And really, just how thankful I am for the people I have met through our journey at LDSFS, some of them have been my rock and my strength through this.

Sorry this is so scrambled, blame it on the narcotics. ;)
For your viewing pleasure...some photos of ME from Hawaii! Enjoy.

14 comments:

Amanda said...

One of my closest friends has struggled for 7 years loosing baby after baby. Here is a link to her blog, her last post is very touching. www.simply-b.blogspot.com

Heather said...

Hooray!! I always feel like I have won the lottery when I get to be the first comment!! It's even more special seing that you get into the double digits of comments!! :)

I am so sorry about your recent turn of events!! It breaks my heart!

Leave it to you to compliment and find something good out of the situation!! I am always so impressed by you! I totally agree with your senitments on Michelle and Anthony! They are such a great example and an awesome couple to know!! Thanks for talking so sweetly about them!!

I am hoping and praying that you will have a happy ending in all of this!! I feel like you will have your family complete soon!! Hang in there! If there is anything I can do let me know!!

Amy said...

Love ya Kimmie!!! Our prayers are with you!

Amy and Josh said...

Josh and I can't begin to imagine how you two feel and are very sad for your loss, but we pray those children that need to be in your loving home will be led to you and you to them. We love you guys and are thinking of you both at this time. Many hugs Kim!

Arianne said...

you are a strong woman kim. there are so many things about you that just inspire me to be a better person. I am so glad I met you when I did. I KNOW that is one of the reasons you were lead to LDSFS. I love the pictures of you, you are beautiful!

Your family is in our thoughts and prayers. love you tons!!

moosh in indy. said...

xoxo

Midwest Mommy said...

I came across your blog via Moosh. I am so sorry for your lost. There is another blog I have been reading lately and she reminds me of you right now.

http://www.ishouldbefoldinglaundry.com/i_should_be_folding_laund/

Not sure if you have heard of her or read her blog but she just lost her twin boys at 22 weeks about a month ago I believe. I feel so bad for both of you. Not sure if her journey and thought process will help you but I thought I would pass it along.

Cary said...

Kim, I had no idea you had all this going on in your life! I have been a little out of the blogging world for the past month.
My heart goes out to you.....and I don't know what else to say. We love you and will keep you in our prayers!
Reading over your blog is inspiring. You are such a go getter. I am grateful for your example -- you always have SO much to give and it makes me want to be better!

Michelle said...

I am humbled and flattered at the very undeserving compliments you paid to us. You are so sweet and so kind. I particulary love your thoughts and feelings on adoption. Unfortunately, too many people do not understand adoption. We have learned that we have been given the mantle to simply educate them on it through our own experiences and as witnesses to it. I think that people forget that it's a choice and a privilege to adopt instead of an obligation or something you "have" to do. I admire your maturity. Even though the trials truly suck, it's amazing how much stronger we are from them, huh? I continue to look to you with admiration and as my example in so many ways. Thank you again. I count you as one of my many blessings.

Tim and Ashlee said...

I wish I lived closer. I just want to give you the biggest hug! I wish I could take away your pain.

Heather said...

love you! Sorry just doesn't seem to cut it...

me said...

You've really been on my mind lately. The other night i had a dream that my 56 year old mother was pregnant, and i told her she had to give the baby to you to adopt! i wish it was true! I send my love!!!!

Ponczoch Family said...

Wow. Can't even imagine. I'll be praying for you that you and your beautiful family will have the comfort you need.

mrs. r said...

first... you are awesome--meaning i am full of awe when i think of you and read what you write.

secondly, i think this is the article you were thinking of:

http://therhouse.blogspot.com/2008/02/article-lessons-of-adoption-can-be.html

thirdly, i want you to check out the following blogs that may offer some comfort:

http://www.musingsandmisadventures.com/ (read the posts on baby zee.)

http://laceyandsam.blogspot.com/

fourthly, you should know that i still sent out your adoption cards to all my contacts the other week when all this was going down. (i need more.) i need copies of your profile to send out.

fifthly, we are cheering for you at R house.