Not Sure...

...exactly what I am feeling, or have been feeling the last few days. I thought I was doing so well, but I am not. There is just unfortunately too much to share on this blog world viewable blog, and too much that I. Just. Can't. Share.

LJ's caseworker came today. She comes once a month to see him, how he interacts with us, to see his room, to make sure we don't lock him in closets etc. (Not funny, but really that is, in essence what they do.)

She informed us that he would be spending the weekend with Mom again. His birthday is Saturday. That means he will be with Mom on his birthday. What is my problem? I have a HUGE problem with this. I am just jacked up. I am beginning to realize that I may not be cut out for Foster Care, and their goal of "reunification". I am feeling a bit too much anger, and despite my prayers for LJ and for his mom, I am having a hard time dealing with things. I guess I am realizing how hard it is going to be for me when and if he goes back with her. I guess I am not sure what it is that I really want for him, or for us. I'm just feeling sad about all of it. There is a good chance...that he may be with Mom sooner than we realize...maybe a week?!

I have been thinking how much I want a little baby to join our family, how I think I want that more than anything. I opened up an e-mail address that I send all my "junk" to. You know...one that I never check...and the millions of messages in there are all about how far along I would be in my pregnancy. I haven't even given it a second thought since my doctor's appointment two weeks after our loss. I guess we would be 26 weeks now. It is just doing funky things with my brain. The past nine weeks...oh my.

There is just so much more...

Prepare ye!

To come to our AWESOME Yard Sale!

PASSION!

Passion that I feel in my heart...but don't have the words to express it as eloquently as Mrs. R does. Go, tell her how awesome she is...and consider her words.

Paul & Monique

Wendy's you are THE best!

LJ enjoying a little nugget lurve.

I often wonder about what people who live out in the boonies...or basically where there is NO Wendy's feed their children on nights like we have all too often? Usually it is Tuesday nights, when LJ has a visit and we find ourselves running around like dead cockroaches. Ahh, Wendy's we love you.

Today has been a really long and exhausting day for me. I just feel icky, icky. I am teary and my heart aches. I am feeling so many emotions that I am not sure what to do or how to act, or where to go from here. I just keep thinking about how much comfort and peace I have felt over the past two months, and even with all of the trials that have been thrown at us over the last few weeks, how much we have been blessed, and how much I need to remember that our Father in Heaven is mindful of each and every one of us.

I guess, I just need all of my friends to know how much I love them, and care about them. I want my kids to know the same. My hubbs too. I would do anything in the world for them...to see them happy and smiling, to put my arms around them each day so that they knew how much!

We all went out to Baskin Robbins again tonight. ( I am using food as a stress reliever right now. Not the best thing to do I would say! ) It was SO much fun to watch the littles devour their little scoops and "hats" ( cone turned upside down on the top of the cupped scoop. ) It brought me back down to what is important, my family...how important it is that they know that I love them. I remember going to the same ice cream place when I was a little girl. Oooo how I loved to pick out Pink Bubblegum...and save all the gum for the very end. I love watching Jothy take the time to think about which kind he is going to get. He told me tonight he was going to get "the green kind" ( Pistachio ). I am not sure if he would like it or not...so I was happy when I saw he opted for Oreo Cookies and Cream. I wish I could be more like him. Everytime I go somewhere, I always get the same kind...the same dish. I rarely venture out. I love that he isn't afraid to truly experience each thing in life, each flavor and not be afraid to be hurt in the process. I was thankful today to learn so much from the Cookies and Cream choice. Thanks buddy.

Blinds, and Rambo Yo.

So, it has been almost a year since we moved in to our new house. Can you believe it? And we FINALLY, finally, finally, FINALLY broke down and got blinds. We had wanted to do shutters in the bedrooms, but we got so sick and tired of looking at the blankets and sheets hanging over the windows that the need for shutters went, well, right out the window. ( I am SO freaking hilarious I know! ) They weren't the best blinds, or the most expensive...but I am SO happy with them. Our house FEELS so much cleaner, so much BIGGER, it is like having a new house all over again! We are in love.

Next, I have this lovely picture of Rambo for your viewing pleasure. Er, I mean Memms. The kids were out back playing in the "yard" ( next project hopefully! ) And they found the tracks to one of their Tonka trucks. I have just been informed by my husband that they are not considered a "truck" that particular vehicle is called a "tractor". Well, I've been schooled. Anyway, seems like it is a lot funner to wear the tracks as a Rambo headband than to actually play with them in the dirt. I still laugh when I see one of the kid walking around the house with one on their heads.

Drizzly Day.

Why oh why, when we have a day off from work, from the mundane life that we all lead...does it have to drizzle?

I do love the rain...but it just made today a little gloomy.

We went and ordered pizzas, got ice cream, and cuddled up on the couch and watched movies with our kiddos. I can't think of a more perfect day than this.

What did you guys do today?

Thoughts on LJ and Foster Care

I get a lot of questions about how Foster Care is going. How long LJ will be with us. "What's his story?" Unfortunately due to confidences we aren't allowed to share. I know that this is no news to anyone. I'm not even allowed to put a picture of his face for you all to see. (Very understandable.) So, I decided I would make this post for all of the "Hoping to Adopt" couples and people even contemplating doing Foster Care. I hope to be extremely candid and answer any and all questions and let you know the nitty gritty of what I have felt the last two months...and surprisingly where I am at in this stage of the game.

LJ has been with us for two months now. We have been on a roller coaster ride where his case is concerned. He came to us on a "Foster Only" basis. Meaning, he was on intensive reunification with his mother. He was seeing her three times a week at that point. Somewhere along the way that grew to four times a week and is now down to one time a week (sorta). We have been told so many different things concerning him, we just say whatever to it all now and just love him and give him all he needs while he is here with us.

My biggest problem with the whole thing is that I felt a little "tricked" into taking him. This is nothing against little LJ but against the system itself. He had been in a shelter home (emergency home) for 50 days. When they called us (specifically knowing we only wanted to take a child 12 months and younger) they told us he was 18 months old. What is another 6 months right? Well, in terms of children who have not had the best care...it was a lot! Plus, since he was considered "foster only" (I'll explain why later) we couldn't even read his file which would have said specifically WHAT he had been through in his short life. So...we have a few hours to decide. In our crazy state and our big hearts we say YES! Well, he comes to us and he is 22 months old. YES, 22 months. That is, TWO years old. We find out that he is considered Foster Only because they couldn't find a home for him because of his intensive reunify status. And all of the Shelter Homes were FULL so they needed him out. Isn't the system LOVERLY?

So, you all know what happened less than 24 hours after he came to us right? So naturally I wasn't in THE best state a foster parent could be in. So really, that same week (I am ashamed to admit) we asked to have them find another family for him. I was a wreck. My kids were a wrech...and poor LJ didn't need to be in a home where another mother was a wreck. It was all just TOO much to handle. Remember I said our hearts are big? Well that is why he is still here. Somehow or another we pushed through all the shiz and here we are two months later, because seriously he was supposed to go live with grandparents, then with Mom. Now, hopefully in the next few weeks he can go back to be with mom. He has been in the system for almost six months. They give parents AT LEAST eight to get it together to have their children back. SO, either in the next few weeks he will be back with her, or they will screen him for "legal risk" which means they will screen families (including ours) and find the best possible fit for him...which means he may be able to be adopted by a family.

In our hearts, we honestly and completely feel he is meant for another family. We have never felt an overwhelming impression that he would be here for a very long time. But if it becomes necessary, we will have the dice thrown in our favor...so wherever the cookie crumbles...if he is to stay here we will keep him forever...if not and there is a better and more eternal placement for him, the state will find it. Hope that makes sense.

I think Foster Care is a wonderful avenue for those searching to add to their family. It is not easy, but it is doable. We have learned to love more fully and more unconditionally. We have learned that sometimes there is MORE out there to give of ourselves than we realize. My advice would be to stick with what you are comfortable with. If you don't think you could foster an older child, then don't. It isn't fair to them and not fair to yourself if you feel like it isn't something you can do. Also, don't be afraid to say "no". Like most things in life, if you get the gut feeling that you shouldn't do it, then more than likely you shouldn't do it!

LJ's birthday is next week. We are looking forward to being the lucky ones to celebrate it with him! ;)

Blue Eyes

Dude.

She is a pumpkin. She makes chocolate look SO good. So, Saturday my sister in law was in town. I was a raging hormonal lunatic. I will spare you my dramatics. Let's just say my horomones were on overkill with this upcoming "time of the month" if you will. It resulted with me saying the f word. (Yes I just said THE f word, go ahead...remove me from your blog rolls.) in public, in front of A. LOT. OF. PEOPLE. I am 99% sure my sister in law heard it. I was PISSY. So...needless to say I needed to leave the place where we were. On my way home...to BE home for when LJ got home...I decided that Joth, Memms and I would stop for a little Baskin Robbins LURVE. The kids both wanted chocolate. Well, lucky for me...they BOTH fell asleep in the car...so after naps, I snapped a few of Memm. (Jothan wasn't covered for once...plus he was still sleeping.)

Anyway, it does my heart good to see these. Love those first few I popped off really quickly. Those looks. That girl. Ahhh.

Hoping to Adopt (Again) Part 5

I know, I know it has been FOREVER since I did a hoping to adopt segment. Why? I dunno, but I am back FULL force. SO many good things are happening all around me...it is time I GIVE back AGAIN.

Meet Brian and Leisha. They rawk. What more can I say? Leisha is an amazing mother. She loves her kids more than anything. Brian is one cool dude, very funny. As we have gotten to know them, they have become such dear friends. We can't wait to see them add another little life to their family. If you know of anyone...send them their way!

Congratulations!

Josh and Amy. She is beautiful.

Simplicity at it's Best

New babies are yummylicious.

This Film is Not Dead

Oh man, I miss Hawaii. Miss, miss, miss.

Dear Aunt Flow:

No, this is not a picture of Aunt Flow, but thanks to Carly for visiting me and bringing me the best possible solution for my dilemma ever! She brought me this tonight. Mmmmm. I can't thank her enough. I'm eating a bowl of it now then it is off to bed. Aunt Flow can suck it.

Love Potion #31. Oh how I love and despise you all at once.

I want to get off please.

Ever feel like your life is a roller coaster and you enjoy the ride for a little bit, but then your tummy starts to hurt, and you feel your lunch coming back up and you keep trying to signal the attendant that you just want to get your butt off, but each time you roll back around they have their iPod stuck in their ears and they are rawkin' out so much that they can't see or hear you? So you just end up with puke all over your new jeans, and designer stilletos, and your favorite new blouse that you bought just to go to the grand opening of the latest ride?

Ya my tummy hurts and I just want to puke.

I feel like my entire life has been one huge, long roller coaster ride. Sometimes it is so great, I can handle the "tickle pee pee" feeling. I can take the hills one after another, the steep inclines and the sudden drops, but today, well today I just, want to get off, shower, and change my clothes.

I'm not even sure if I can pinpoint why I feel this way. I guess it is because it is Monday. I don't much like Monday. I got a somewhat rude e-mail from this person in my ward, basically telling me she can't do her calling if I don't do mine. People, people. I do my calling, sorry if I have been a little preoccupied lately. Then, I didn't get to talk to one of my favorite people today. That made me sad, but perhaps it is a good thing for both of us. I hope so. Then, everyone keeps asking me about LJ. It isn't that I mind sharing all the 411 about him, as much as I can anyway, but I dunno, something about his case makes me feel utterly helpless, totally sick and leaves me feeling like I am not cut out to be a foster mother because I love too much? Is that possible? He is still with us, but again, not for much longer...they tell me two weeks...but then again they said that three weeks ago. That's what I know for right now.

So, (you ask) what do you do to help yourself feel better during these trying times? Well, I go shopping. And not just any shopping. Shoe shopping. I bought two pairs today. D.I. is getting six of my old pairs tomorrow. I can't wait to wake up...shower...and put on my new pair and take the kiddos to the zoo. That's just what I need...get off the coaster and step in the rhino shiz. Wish me luck.

Today.

I feel like I haven't had a lot of time to get out and photograph the SPRING. I think spring may officially be gone, as I looked at the trees today they are all FULL of leaves. Man o man, where'd the time go? This top photograph was the ONLY photograph I took of blossoms. It is totally crap...soft focus. Oh well, it still says "spring" and I want to hold onto spring for as long as I can.

This one is just for fun, it is part of my "Top Secret" shoot that I can't really talk about, but I have no idea why...so I won't talk about it...but you can see for yourself how cool it must be.

I'm feeling...oh, reminiscent today. This is not usually my thang as I like to look to the future, always trying to plan my life down to the second. I guess it is all part of my "letting go" for the year. Words I haven't really thought of for a while...but need to remember more that my goal for this year was letting go.

I wish I could share more about little LJ's case. This week has been a rocky and rough one for me in terms of my feelings. My feelings about his situation, about his mom, about how much I wish and long for him. Through all the prayers and tears Heavenly Father has shown me the answers to "why" and has shown me that I will survive letting go of him. He'll be okay.

Not quite sure what this post was all about...just wanted to sit and let some thoughts flow. Have a good weekend everyone!

Top Secret

Shhhhh.