Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Strugglefest, June 7, 2010

**Originally posted to my 'Shredding' blog**

My heart hurts. Usually I would just post this to my personal blog. I have a contest running right now and I really don't know how I feel about a bunch of 'strangers' reading a post like this for the first time. I wouldn't call them strangers, but this is heavy, and would rather not scare my new friends off. Perhaps I will post it there later this week, so please forgive me that this isn't completely weight-loss related.

Yesterday was a very deep, dark, depression filled day. So much so that I longed to go back to bed, to lay on the couch and fall asleep. Anything, to avoid doing anything. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't eat. I couldn't move. I felt stuck. When I did move, I started eating, and not necessarily good things.

I was sad about my weight. I was really angry with myself for sitting and going no where with my weight for the past two months. I feel this overwhelming burden to be better and do better, but I have no drive. When I have no drive, I get depressed, when I get depressed, I eat. It is a vicious, vicious cycle and I don't know what to do to change it.

When my husband finally got home (he left early in the morning) I just cried and said I needed to get out. So I left, and I ran. I ran on my 'grandma legs and feet'. I tried to just breathe and make it through the day. My run didn't fix my broken heart, or my dark day, but it reminded me that I can do this hard thing. I may not be in my 'place' yet. The place I need to be to lose any weight. (Because apparently I am still stuck in this place, just like I was two years ago when I wouldn't budge from 167. Man how I would pay money to be 167 again and never budge, instead of my 196 that I am stuck at now. tears.)

This post makes no sense. I just needed to get it out that I was in a dark place, and that I am trying to be an example to you guys, that I have not given up...that I am fighting this beast of weight, like I am fighting the other demons in my head. Hopefully I can start kicking all of their trash soon.

Loves all.

--Kim

16 comments:

Kristina P. said...

We here for you, Kim.

Ashley said...

I know how you feel and I'm so sorry you feel that way. Don't give up and remember that you're amazing and beautiful and loved no matter what you weigh. But I hope you start feeling better soon; it hurts to see you sad.

Loves,
Ashley

松JayH_Yelton0520添 said...

we‘re so proud of you!............................................................

Cassie said...

Confession: I haven't been to the shredding blog for quite some time - mostly because I've been an A+ slacker for the last 5 or so weeks. Had I visited and known you were struggling I would have told you sooner how much I love you and what an amazing woman you are. Depression is a beast to deal with. Weight loss is a beast to deal with. As is moving, selling a house, raising a family... need I go on? Bad days are hard, but its ok to have them once in a while. It reminds us that we're human. That we are here to struggle, to learn and to grow. Hang in there sweetie, I love you!

Becky said...

Kimmy - I love you and will help out whatever way that I can.

Crystalyn said...

Hang in there sweet friend. You don't always have to be the strong one. Lean when you need to. And give yourself the space and love to be and do what you need. xo.

Wendy said...

Oh Kim, you are an amazing example to me. Of strength, perseverance, and endurance. You are amazing, I love reading your posts because you are honest and sincere and genuine. Keep fighting, one battle at a time. Keep glijng, one step at a time. And keep being you!!!

Wendy said...

That was supposed to say keep going, I really should read what I write before I post it.

Barb @ getupandplay said...

You really are amazing and those hard days really suck. I hope that today and tomorrow are better.

mandee said...

Kim- don't be too hard on yourself...we love you and hope you can realize weight is very difficult to manage at any level! I love your honesty and your heart...I am here for you...please call...I can take your kids anytime...love and huggs!

Vanessa & Tyler said...

It IS hard. Blerg, so this has been my day today you just wrote it for me. Thanks Kim :)


vanessa invergrewup.net

Happy everything said...

Don't worry, because you are not the only one! I don't really like to share this but I am also having the same problems. It is hard,but I always thing about my kids , my husband. That's why everyday I read Stephanie's blog.
love
Bianca

asda said...

回應是最大的支持^^y~~~甘吧嗲........................................

moosh in indy. said...

I love you.
You are not.
You know that right?

LoveYaMissYa said...

Kim,
We all have those days and they suck! I hate those plateaus when trying to lose weight they are SOOO frustrating. I did try a new DVD that seemed to help get me over the hump a little. I liked it because it was only 20 minutes and I don't always have a lot of time. It is a KILLER workout though, I thought I was going to die! I need to get back to it now because just running isn't enough for me to get over my current plateau... Oh it's Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. I got it at Target for like $10. Just a thought if your looking to mix it up! Love you!

Brenda said...

You actually made alot of sense to me. I have had many many days just as you described. Hang in there....your not alone!