Monday, February 23, 2009

Who I am.


It is strange to look over the past year of my life, to see where I am now, where I have come from and to even look ahead at where I am going.

I can't lie when I say that tiny pieces of me died last year with each trial. My faith was shaken so much at times, that even now it is hard to wrap my brain around each instance. It is sad when I look at the parts of me that died, because there were so many good things about me that I miss, and it is a challenge to come to love and accept this person I have become because of the trials that we have been given.

I can look back now with new eyes and can even sometimes think, "It wasn't that bad!" Especially as I look all around me, and some of my dearest friends are having to endure many harder things than I ever have in my life and ever will.

I don't need to worry about someone trying to take my baby away.

I don't have to worry about my husband finding a new job (although if he did get a bit more work I wouldn't complain.)

I don't need to worry about a lot of things. For that I am grateful.

The parts of myself that I miss are:

The ability to drop everything for someone else. That part of me died. I feel like I hole myself up in my house and focus so much on my kids and my hubbs that it is hard for me to actually leave the house anymore. Some say this is okay, but for me, the time has past for it to be okay. I miss the person who would just DO for others. I wish I could find her again.

I miss the running girl. I await the springtime weather again so I can get outside and feel the breeze on my face and the sweat down my back. (Gross, but true.)

I miss my complete love for photography. Yes, part of me died last year. I can't quite pinpoint this one, but sometimes I would rather put my camera away in a drawer and never look at it again.

I hate that I fear. I hate the part of me that can't let go and let Heavenly Father be the planner of it all. I wish I didn't fear so much.


These are the things I miss the most. So, little by little, step by step I have been trying to get myself out more. It is wonderous what service to others can do. With so many awful things happening all around us, it isn't too hard to find someone to serve, some reason to leave my house.

Today, I spent the morning with my sweet friend Crystalyn. She and I are struggling with a few of the same things right now. It felt so good to talk to someone else who just gets it. It was so great to talk to someone who wants to do similar things for similar reasons. Gettting out of the house and talking to her was such a boon for my spirit. (Boon? Really? Has anyone used that word since 1895?) So, even though she helped me more than I helped her, it was so good to see that I am not alone.

I went outside without a coat today. There is no better way to beat the winter blues than to take off your coat when it is above 5o degrees. This warmed my soul and told me that warmer days are coming.

And since the beginning of the year, I have made a concerted effort to take more photos for ME! What joy this has been. To reconnect with that which I love, and to see my children in a new way. I have missed them. I feel like they have grown up...and I don't know where the little babies went. For this reason I will never put my camera away.

I can't miss any more moments in self pity, fear and sorrow. I need to be here for the people that need me most. Being here for them in a physical sense is not enough, I need to give my all, every bit of me. I am trying.

It is hard, it is not easy, but isn't it all going to be worth it?

(That's what He said, although He never really said that.)


Sell...Party Of 4 said...

gah, I {heart} you! You have this way of expressing yourself. Thank you for sharing!

And as always...great photos!

Happy everything said...

You are very Special Kim! You are very talent and a good mom! Miss you
Bianca (Luana asked today for Jothan, because I printed a couple pictures from my Wedding to her, and she was asking me: Where is Jothan mamae?), I guess you have to come and visit me soon.

Shannon said...

Oh Kim, I love you and I love hearing what is in your head. You are so much stronger than you know! You are such an inspiration! I am so proud of you! I really am! Your raw thoughts today touched me.

Crystalyn said...

it was so great to see you today. i just wish we would have had longer to talk. you probably did more for me. hugs.

Barrett said...

Love the kiddo pictures as usual! Need a dose of them daily! I got a framed quote when Kaitlyn died saying "If you put your cares in His hands, He'll put his peace in your hearts." I still look at that daily...

Jared and Liam Craig said...

wow what an amazing post. truley spoke to me. I have been going through some hard trails lately, and you pin pointed it, "I can't lie when I say that tiny pieces of me died last year with each trial." but you have given me hope

Marc and Megan said...

Kim, you've done everything absolutely right during the last year. Your responses to your losses are totally normal AND healthy. I just want you to know I appreciate the thoughts you've expressed here so much... it's almost as if you took a peak into my heart and put words to so many of the feelings I've been feeling. You're a beautiful woman, Kim.

Andee said...

I stalk your blog. (If you haven't noticed)
really you are an awesome person.
Don't feel down or sad. I don't know what you are going through right now, but just know that you are admired by many.

Thank you for this post.

Wendy said...

Kim - I hope that in another year you will be able to look back and see the amazing person you have become because of these trials. You are amazing, but I know it's always harder for me to see it myself when I am going through things that are making me the person I am supposed to become.

Did any of that make sense? I guess what I am trying to say is you have lost a few things but you will gain so much from these experiences. I know it was the trials that have made me who I am today. I am not the person I would like to be year, I hope I don't have to go through everything that I have already to get to where I need to be.

If you ever want to get out, I live in Magna right now. . .have for a couple months now. Hopefully we won't be here much longer though.

Cory and Becca said...

Hi Kim,
First, thanks for the compliment. I appreciated your thoughts on this post. Ok, at the very end when I read your last sentence in parenthesis, I laughed-outloud and hard. Was that comment meant to be so true and somber yet funny at the same time? As I've heard, good humor is the oxygen of the soul....

marci helen said...

i have missed seeing your cute kids too...i love the pictures in this post!! i am so with you on the no coat thing! hopefully this warmer weather can get us all out of this nasty blah that's been going on! you are so lovely!! chin up girl!

Holly said...

This is the hardest time of year for many of us, but you are also looking back on almost exactly a year ago when all the troubles began. I understand that. There are a lot of ways to look at trials and none of them are too helpful when you're in the thick of it...but I look at it like a muscle. You have to make tiny tears in a muscle to make it grow bigger and stronger. Losing people we love feels a lot more like having our hearts ripped out instead of torn a bit...but I know you appreciate every moment with your sweet kids more after all the losses you've endured in the last year and that you're a stronger person for it.
I miss you. Hugs.

Britney said...

You rock! Seriously. Amen for 50+ degree weather and sunshine in the morning. It makes it easier for me to get out of bed.
Giving up control and putting faith in Him is hard. I know we are supposed to do it - but it's still hard. I'm working on it.

Amy and Josh said...

Kimmie, Love you! Miss You!! Hope those sunny days are ahead of you-You SO Deserve it beautiful Lady:)

Kim . . . wyomingmade said...

kimmie - love your words and who you are. Love that you have made your family your first priority, I want to learn how to do that, too. Thanks for sharing and being you and sharing your amazing pictures of your kidlets. If I ever get to leave my humidifier infested house again we'll come and give you hugs.

mrs. r said...

love you, miss.

something i was thinking about this last week is this, "who is to say that one trial is harder than another?" i don't think you can compare your struggles to anyone else's.

one thing i know for certain is that our trials are tailored to us as much as our blessings. it's a hard truth for me to swallow.

for the two of us, it seems we are the chosen few who get to testify of this truth:

"...this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions." mosiah 24: 14

i know He is visiting you. i feel Him at your house--one of the few places i feel safe enough to bawl my insides out.

i love you, lady.

come what may.

moosh in indy. said...

You always have been and always will be my main homefry.
forever and ever no matter what.

Andrea said...

I love your blog. You take AMAZING photos and have such a way with words. Thank you for talking so positive about adoption. I am an adoptive mom and am so grateful for people like you!

Greg and Kristen said...

Thanks for sharing your your adoption experiences. We will be adopting. Could we get a link to our blog added to your "hoping to adopt" section? Thanks!

Kristen & Greg

Lace said...

It IS going to all be worth it! Amen to everything about trials making you stronger, I agree! You always look back eventually and are grateful for how you've grown and learned--it's just hard to actually make it to that point! (but you will, if you haven't already). I love these little pictures, they are gorgeous!

Carrie said...

Thanks for sharing such raw emotion. You are amazing!