Friday, February 27, 2009
I used to be a:
Secretly, or not so secretly, I used to be a grade A: B.
For the purpose of keeping this blog somewhat PG13...use your best imagination...
I was a BIZNATCH.
Most of my beastly thoughts were kept to myself inside my head. I was a B, mostly in high school.
"Really?" some of you are asking yourselves and scratching your head. Yes. Really.
I was two-faced to the core, but strangely enough it was only to myself I would share my B-side. I would secretly judge and I prolly thought I was so much better than every one else (not literally, but in a sense, I was so insecure...). I was terribly insecure.
On the outside, I was nice...polite, servicing, but on the inside I seethed, I hated, I hurt, I was troubled.
I felt that high school should have brought me much more happiness than it did. I had to go to a new high school when most of my super close friends all went to another high school. I was so sad and downtrodden. It took me until I was a senior to feel like I had some sort of place in the high school realm and even then, it wasn't until the last week of school I saw how many people actually knew me and cared about me. SAY WHAT?! My high school years would have been a lot easier had even a tenth of the people who looked up to me said something. I was full of so much hurt and anger because I tried SO hard to be everyone's friend...to only be left to feel empty and hollow because the cool kids didn't have the time of day for me. Oh how mightily foolish I was. How many good friends I did have...but that B inside of me....oh how I hated her.
I bet my good friends didn't know that even though I was on the Seminary Council (Oye...how to explain this one to anyone outside of the state of Utah...or anyone that isn't LDS...it is like, in high school, we got to leave on class period and go out to another building and learn stuff with other kids our age about the gospel...and as a senior I was on the planning committee of sorts. Does that explain it? I don't even think they have these anymore)...anyway, even though I served in this capacity, and needed to be close to Heavenly Father (which I was) I swore like a sailor?! At home, in front of my parents...we said the F word...and a whole slew of other things. See...B I tell you.
My B-havior lasted, I would say until I had my second child. (Hubbs would tell you otherwise that I am STILL a B...ha ha ha ha...but really I am not.) There are parts of me that could not let my insecurities go. I was prideful in a way. My kids always had to look better than everyone else's kids. They had to have the perfect hair, the perfect shoes, the perfect clothes. (Me too...minus the perfect stuff, I just had to be presentable.) This slowly faded as Memms turned one. I got to the point when really, none of that mattered.
In the past year...NONE of it matters to me anymore. How foolish and silly it was to worry about so many of these things for so many years. Who cares? Now, I shop at D.I, Kid to Kid, Savers and the like. Half the time my kids are in their jams all day...and their hair...well I am lucky if Memms gets her hair even done on Sunday. I just don't care. Simple as that. You know what? I am happy. I am not a B anymore. I don't harbor any of the insecurities in my heart and mind that I used to. I don't have the same seething anti-confidence that I once had. So stupid to waste my years in beastly silence...secretly hurting, secretly wanting to make myself feel better...to look better, to be better. It was such a tragic waste.
I used to say that if you were humble, it made you prideful. Well, I am sure in some small way it does, but dang it, it feels good to let the biznatch go...and to be free from her grasp. To be truly humbled, to focus on what really matters and the people in my life who really care and have been and will continue to be there for me for the rest of my life.
It is liberating.