Friday, October 3, 2008

Learning To Love Me Part 1

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Pardon the freaking weird layout...it won't let me hard return...blast.
I started off editing these, thinking I was going to write a grand old post about how wonderful the workshop was. Which it was, but as I spent time with myself...'up close and personal' like...my mind shifted to other things.
I couldn't sleep at all last night. Really, I probably drifted off somewhere around four in the morning and woke up at eight and couldn't sleep again. What is my deal?
My mil asked me tonight if I was pregnant. I just about died. Besides not wanting to cry in front of someone I am pretty sure doesn't like me...and obviously, for whatever reason thinks I either look pregnant enough to ask...I was just plain old mad.
So, back to last night...no sleep. My mind kept returning to what I was originally going to title "the post in my mind" 'Fertile Mertyle...Infertile?'. This is that post, but because it is going to be SO long and SO intense...I'll break it up for you.
First of all, my mind went back to our early years of marriage, of all the doctor visits, of all the physical pain at the time...the emotional came later when I was diagnosed and told I may never have babies. I remember sitting in the office of the doctor I loved and despised for different reasons. I loved her because she could finally put a name to whatever was ailing me...hated her because of how she made me feel about myself. I was 141 lbs when I was diagnosed with Endo. Today? Sheesh...a whopping 171 lbs. What I wouldn't give to be that fat again, but this doctor...that is what she would always focus on...my FAT...my weight. So after the diagnosis, and subsequent treatment, I never ever stepped foot in that office again. I dealt with the roller coaster of emotions.
We got pregnant with Jothan a few months after my treatment for the Endo supression. Lucky. Blessed. Happily. I went to a new doctor's office...to my current doctor, who is so sweet, but whom I have never shared how much hurt I have really experienced, and to whom I don't really talk about how much pain I am suffering...cuz it is just too hard. I don't want to go over it all again, I don't want to be treated, I don't want to feel like a failure...that...and I don't really know what is going on with my body. I feel like this office had the happy, smiling Kim, the one who had a beautiful baby boy...and two point five years later had the most beautiful little baby girl ever.
Fast forward almost three years later. Five babies in one year...gone. The failure I feel for having lost my baby at almost 17 weeks. The "Chelsia" shiz. Juan, his sister, then another failed placement. The trying to get pregnant...the exercise/running that is getting my body no where...the pants that fit too tight...the not knowing what to do but cry sometimes, because I am afraid. Afraid to keep trying for number three because DOOD it has been almost three years and IF by some miracle we get pregnant...how old will Memms be? I just want to bawl. Crawl into a corner right now and scream and cry...and let it all out like I have so many times this year. I hate this. I hate it with a passion. I hate feeling empty...even though I have the world...such a contradiction, but even with all the happiness, the pain masked, it is still there...and it bleeds at times.
So...I was thinking about all of these things through the 3:00 hour this morning...and then tonight, when I was spending time with myself...I realized...I am strong. I am wise. I am a better person for all of these trials. I am closer to my husband, who sweetly says when my period comes, "I'll get you pregnant next month!" Ha! I am more appreciative of my babies that I do have, that I get to cuddle each and every day. I remember how important they are when my patience runs dry. I even saw that I was beautiful. When I take the time to find that person in me. Beauty really does come from within, I will never be a model, but I will be a fantastic mother, a faithful wife, a daughter of God. No matter what I need to live up to that potential. I like this girl I see I even love her...I would like to love her more though. She knows what she needs to do...why the heck doesn't she just do it?

23 comments:

Kim . . . wyomingmade said...

Kim you are beautiful, and you have the best complexion!! But your real beauty is in your heart. I think more of us can relate to your feelings then we are willing to admit to ourselves. Thanks for sharing, and I wish you all the best with ALL your dreams & goals!!

Marc and Megan said...

This is such a tender, beautiful post... so much that I can relate to on a personal level. I appreciate you sharing these thoughts and feelings.

And, btw, you are gorgeous! :)

Cassie said...

Beautiful words... you are strong, you've grown so much through all of this. Much love to you...

Arianne said...

all I can say is I love you kim. you are an amazing person!!! LOVE all the pictures of you, you are BEAUTIFUL!!

Marie Green said...

Wow, what a beautiful post. Your day is coming when a tiny baby will look up from your arms and make your heart explode. I really believe that...

mrs. r said...

i love you.

i am glad that you are starting to let some of this out. i knew it was in there somewhere--festering.

don't forget to add to your list that you are a compassionate and giving friend, that you always think of others first, that you use your talents to bless lives, that you share, that you are not afraid to love, that you let me pinch the bums of your kiddies, that you are terribly organized, that you make the best "hope meal" cookies, that creativity flows from soul, that you make people feel pretty, that you have a stunning home with incredible photography and great paint colors, that you always remind me to pray when it all seems too much, that you have a killer food storage, that you listen, that you care when you don't have to, that you let me tell your kids bedtime stories about "hello titty," that you are concerned about being a good person and trying to better yourself, that you don't watch endless tv like i do, that you come over just to chat, that you are helpful, willing, selfless and freakin' hott.

so glad we are friends. the best.

mrs. r said...

...and oh yeah, you make homemade bread.

dust and kam said...

I love you Kim and look up to you so much. You are completely amazing. And beautiful, for sure.

Thanks for sharing more about you!

Holly said...

I can really relate to a lot of what you said - especially the physical and emotional pain of going through this. Why is it that so few doctors can help us emotionally while helping physically. Most of them say quite the opposite thing of helpful - its terrible and I am sorry you had that experience. You know that I know you're amazing in so many ways. Talented, funny, sweet and yes...beautiful. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Amber Ro said...

Kim, I don't know you well, but have always thought you were an amazing person. You are so strong and beautiful-inside and out. I look up to you in so many ways. You are a fighter.

Miss Myra said...

cuz if the girl inside of you did what she knew she needed to do, then the girl inside of me would be jealous and angry for being lazy. so you keep your girl at a "slow and steady wins the race" pace and we will all be just fine;) love you girl, i am So proud

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

The thing that stuck out to me in this post the most was about how old Memm's will be if you got pregnant again.

I want to share with you what a great counselor JUST told me. It will be your parenting skillz that will make your kids close...not the age inbetween them.

Savannah is 4 this month, and I yearn to have another one. I started "working" on my husband when she was just 6 months old. It is hard for me to know that my body works, and I fail to use it.
=( I am sad that other people wish for a body like mine, and WE (hubby and I) take it for granted.

Thank you for sharing. I feel your sadness. I feel you strength. I hope that you know you inspire me in your writing.

What is meant to be, will be!

Shannon said...

Where do I begin? You really are amazing...so many people look up to you, me included. I love these photos, you are beautiful! Trials suck, but I can see you are stronger. Well on the blog anyway, inside I am sure you feel different. You are a daughter of God, and he is there every step of the way. May many blessings be sent your way.

Amy and Josh said...

Have I ever told you that I LOVE spending time with you Kim, because you are a Super Kind and Caring person who doesn't judge me, and it is so fun to laugh with you and talk about anything and everything with you!! You always seem to say the right things . . . I miss living next to you and having you so "there" to hang out or talk to. You are so Strong it is amazing to me. I just love you to pieces. So many have been touched by you. I absolutely love the pictures and the Hair-is it a new cut?? Love it:) Love you-you gorgeous lady!

Christal said...

you are beautiful inside and out! and you write so good too you always bring on the tears for me maybe having some of the same feelings does that eh! You are amazing and you help so many people more then you know I think!! I love you!! thanks.

moosh in indy. said...

Yeah. What you said. Only I'll add that I've always known you were beautiful on the outside and only come to appreciate the beauty that keeps growing now on the inside of you through the honor of being your friend and all that you've been put through.
You've saved me more than once. Now multiply that by all the people who love you and whom you love.
THAT is pretty beautiful.

Happy everything said...

Kim, I loved your Pictures. You are so pretty, pretty pretty and pretty. Pretty eyes, pretty smile, pretty hair and pretty again. And I really admire how strong you are and a good example for me ( I need to learn also how to love me). Moca bonita seja feliz! Te amamos muito!
Bianca,Giddoni, Luana & Giovanni

Michelle said...

You are amazing, beautiful, and perfect in every way, shape and form, Kim. Thank you for your friendship and your constant example. You have touched so many lives.

Becky said...

I too need to LOVE myself more. What workshop did you attend?!?! I wanna go!

Becky

p.s. call me next time there is one! 801-589-2596

Jed and Kate said...

Kim,
I know you hear it all the time, but it is hard to believe you have had to go through so much difficulty in such a short period of time. What makes it hard to believe is the humble perspective you have maintained and the sweetness that is still there in your eyes.
I love the thought at the end of your post. I've lately been overly focused on changing myself phsycially and it has only led to frustration. Thank you for reminding me what I CAN be, no matter what, as long as I do what I know I need to do. AND, those things that I can be--an awesome wife, true friend, example to my YW, and a faithful daughter of God--those are the things that actually matter and the things that lead to true happiness. The other stuff is just silly!
-Kate

The Gag-nears said...

I'll add to these 20+ comments that I hope the words of conference this weekend gave you some peace and comfort also for all of your trials. You always have it figured out though. You are so incredible. Love you like a sister!

Carrie said...

Did I not comment? I seriously thought that I had! Silly!

You are so GORGEOUS! Can I just say how photogenic you are! I'm jealous! I'm so happy to hear that you are spending some time with you and seeing how great you are! I read an article in that Utah Family magazine (?? I think that's what it's called. The one you've taken pictures for.) and it mentioned 'The Power of a Weekend Retreat'. What an AWESOME idea! To get away, not just for a couple of hours, but for a whole weekend BY YOURSELF. Lounging around ALL DAY doing absolutley nothing in a cheap hotel. Maybe taking an extra long bath/shower, reading, napping, watching tv, shopping. All alone, no obligations or responsibility! Seriously, every woman needs this! Just a thought! You so deserve something like that! Spend some time loving YOU baby! Because, like it said in the article, you can't really take care of your home and family to the best of your ability when you aren't able to take care of you first! I think you are absolutely awesome and beautiful! And can I say- really? 171? You soooo don't look it! I would have guessed around 145. Lookin hot!

You have the sweetest hubby! Every man could stand to take some lessons from him!

Laur said...

oh my sweet...why do you never call me? We need to talk desperately. 541-7533 can you hang out tomorrow? text me