Happy Halloween!

Um, I honestly think my son could be the next Elsie Flannigan. This mummy is so a la Elsie!

His art astounds me.

Happy Halloween Friends!

Five. Five Dolla'. Five Dolla'...Okay, just FIVE.

He. Is. Five.

5

We had a wonderful day. We woke up singing the Happy Birthday song, and the kids played and played all morning.



Around lunch time he opened his present:





He was THRILLED!

Then he told me while we cuddled on the couch during Memm's naptime, "Mom, I really need a little brother. I promise to be nice to him. " He. Is. Darling.

Earlier this morning I asked Mr. where he wanted to go out to dinner. He could pick ANYWHERE he wanted. All his choice. He said to me, "Um, I think I might like to have Chinese food." I was floored and laughed so much. So, tonight, we went out for Chinese food:
















He loves the chopsticks, and surprisingly he is REALLY good with them.

Hubbs' mama gave the kids balloons for the special day. Our little family has this thing with balloons. It started when J-Man was a baby, we have always sent them up for "Papai do Ceu" or for Heavenly Father. I think it was a convenient way for us as parents to avoid the choking hazard and the tears and crying when the balloons finally lost their float. Either way, it has become a really fun tradition for us. When we lost Peanut, one balloon began going up for Peanut and one for Papai do Ceu. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. After reading Nie's balloon flights, it means even a little bit more. We sent up a little prayer for her family tonight too...





I love how excited they get when they watch them fly away.



Mr. Cutie Pants decided that we NEEDED some toys on the cake. "Sometimes Mom, there are toys on cakes. You know?!" So he ran and grabbed some of his recent favorites. A Transformer, the baby from the FP Dollhouse, and "Dragony".





Little Sis is starting to realize that birthdays are special and not for EVERYONE on that day. She was pretty upset and a little jealous. Mr. J was such a sweetheart to her all day, making sure she knew she was loved and included.



Make a wish! ("I wished for that I had one of 'Megatron'...and now I have one! Thanks Mom!")

I dunno if other parents endure these feelings when their first born turns five. I don't feel like I have been a mother for five years. That just seems crazy. I know it seems overly said, but really it has been the most remarkable five years of my life. He has brought me SO much joy. The things he says, the things he does, the way he is learning and growing each day surpasses my amazement. J-Man, you are an incredible artist. You have such an eye for beauty and for seeing the world in a new and different way. I really hope that you never lose sight of that. I hope you can always hold onto these qualities, and that I, as your mother can always encourage your growth, your learning, and your understanding, and that I can encourage you to do the things YOU want and LOVE to do. Keep doing such good things sweet boy. You are my heart!

TMJ Syndrome.

So, my friends are over here tonight...we are crafting.

They are mocking me.

I woke up Friday unable to chew. The left side of my Temporomandibular Joint was not working...like at all. It was the most painful thing to do just to get any food down. Ug.

So, since Friday I have been wearing my mouthguard.

"It sounds like I have finally hit puberty!" Thanks mrs. r. You are a bumm.

I have THE worst lisp in the world. So if you see me around, and I have the guard in, please know that is why I am not looking you in the eye. I can't even take myself seriously.

Dentist, me...tomorrow! Wish me luck.

Help!

We need to rent out our apartment! If you are in the S-L-C and know of anyone needing or wanting to rent out an apartment near SLCC...check out the link!

My Apartment is D'a Bomb!

Thanks!

--Hubbs

Separated.

Tonight.

Hubbs has a few days off this week. Because little man is turning 5. Whoop. whoop. Why is it that when your kid turns 5 you suddenly feel sort of...old? I dunno. That is for later this week.

Tonight.

Memms refused to go to bed. So Hubbs is working away in his office. I am working away in mine, and Memms is in my office jabbering away about life, how she needs a baby cradle, and how I "pwomised" her one. ;) So this goes on until about 11:45. She keeps talking to me, I keep talking to her. In walks Hubbs.

Hubbs: "Memm, you need to come lay over here on this blanket." (All in Portuguese mind you...I couldn't spell it to save my life.)

Memms: "But I have a blanket, I was talking to Momma!"

Hubbs: "You need to come lay over here because Momma can't stop talking to you."

Memms: "Humph."

Seriously, he moved her from right under my feet to about 10 feet away. She was laying in the hallway between us so I couldn't talk to her anymore.

She fell asleep in five minutes.

We were like giggly girls talking the entire night away. So funny right? Hubbs!



And then there was this, about four weeks ago:



The death of the "po'tock yeeeee'haw"! Remember the obsession? Well, when she was born my mom and sisters gave her this little horsey bank. She has loved this thing and loved this thing. And it broke...on the carpet of all places. Man we are good at breaking things on the carpet. First Jothan's teeth, now the horse.



She cried and cried and cried. Complete with a phone call to gramma to tell her of the tragic news.



"But you will buy me a new one right?"



"My horwsey bank!"

Dood how I love.

Budget, Fudget, Mo Mudget...

Oh how I hate thee...let me count the ways. Oh wait, this post isn't about that. It is suppose to be about the "freedom" I am feeling with my budget. (Cough, cough, lie, lie.)

But 'fer realz' people let me educate you on the ways of my last month of budgeting.

It all started when the economy started going all crazy like. My husband, well, you know he helps people find and sell houses. He loves his job. He is THE best at it. With the economy the way it is, and with all of the mortgage lenders going kaput and struggling, it has really hurt the housing industry hard. That goes for all the little people involved too, from plumbers to electricians, etc. So, so, so sad really. :( Frowny face.

So, Hubbs and I sad down and had THE. TALK. The talk we have had for eight years. The one that inevitably tells me that I can no longer visit Target. The one that I know means I can no longer "wander" aimlessly through Wal-mart for hours while "grocery shopping". Ug. It came down to this: "Do you want our kids to have a roof over their heads?"

Cry. Cry. Cry. Commence me FREAKING...and realizing that something had to be done. (I didn't have the best spending habits, if I saw something I wanted or THOUGHT I needed, well heck I bought it. This included luxuries large and small.) This also brought up the fact that my business was in fact helping our family in little ways, and that for us to be able to stay in our home, I would have to stop giving such great deals to everyone. Which is SO hard for me because I photograph for the love, but now I MUST photograph for the need. I feel SO blessed at this time to have this gift, that it is blessing my family enough to put food on the table while hubby scraps up enough to pay our house payment. (You all know how this is though, because WE ARE ALL FEELING THE CRUNCH!)



Anyway, back to the positive of my budgeting.

For a little over a month, I have been on THE strictest budget EVER. I won't go into details as I believe finances are very personal, and each family is different, and no one can truly understand how someone gets from point a to point b. I just hope to inspire someone else out there who had my same PROBLEM of over-spending and 'retail therapy'. Oh how many days did I walk the isles of Target to soothe my fat butt and aching heart?

BUT GUESS WHAT?!!! In the past month I have been able to:

• Not walk into a store unless I know exactly why I am walking in, what I am going to buy and if I even need to buy anything.
• I have discovered how amazingly and totally awesome the Salvation Army store by my house is. Dood, guys, it is AWESOME!
• I have probably saved my family $1000.00. I am not joking. Not.
• Shot 10 sessions before the month is through.
• Without realizing it, I haven't taken my anti-depressant for TWO WEEKS.
• And best of all, remember this? I finally saw that EXACT same number again this week. It has been FOUR months. I am proud.
• We got a FRONT YARD. (Post to come...post to come.)

Coincidence? I think not. I think there is something truly powerful to be said about being in control of one's life. I am happy. Striving to live my religion has blessed us tremendously as well. Tithing has always been SUPER important to us, and now I feel we are seeing a blessing in our lives for having always paid it.

There are times when of course I feel like a slave to my pocketbook. I am sad when I can't just join my friends out to eat all the time. But, I am happier, my kids are happier. And of course, HUBBS is happier. :)

I Rawk!

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Rawk On!

In a posting mood apparently...

Shooting for oneself, and editing for oneself can be very therapeutic. That is a little of what I have done today.

I came across these from Miss BG's workshop. I, of course was not doing what I should be doing, instead I grabbed my co-attendee and new friend Shanna...and asked to photograph her. Seriously...isn't she STUNNING? I came across these today, and shed a little tear.









I have been thinking back to March when I attended the Film is Not Dead Workshop. I took SO many, many things away from that workshop, but it was there that I really think I gained an eye and a love for intimacy in a photograph. I love the way Jonathan captures people in headshots. I took what he taught us and ran with it...and dare I even say...took it a little overboard? I dunno...but either way I have learned to not fear close proximity to my client, that to get truly amazing art, we must get in close...see who someone really is, and capture that essence.

Anyway, just thought these shots of Shanna said so much. About her, about me as a photographer. How thankful I am to have grown so much this year. Thank you to my mentors!

Now, maybe someday you'll see all the work I did at these fabulous places...but then again you are...in each new session I post as I have been forever inspired. :)

Heard.

So, it is 12:30 a.m. on Friday Morning. I had stayed up working, and little Memmory had decided to boycott sleep that night and stay up and work with me. Upon getting ready for bed, I say:

"Goodnight Angel!"

Memm: With the most serious look on her face..."But, I not an angel, I don't have wings."

"I don't know how to fly!"

Commence squishing.

We are alive!

A week? Seriously? Come back soon, there is much to discuss.

But the most important thing? We are alive...even me! :)

Blessed.

****In an effort to help try this sound not as dramatic as it will. (And it will) I will preface this by saying he is fine...and was back to throwing things today and telling me he 'hated' me when I told him he HAD to take a nap today. (Just so you know...)****



So, J-dawg (and I) both started not to feel the greatest on Friday afternoonish. He was fine on Saturday...not 100% but no worse. Sunday morning, I woke up with a fever, and by Sunday afternoon little man had a fever of his own...and was starting to cough. So I sent the kiddos to bed early with medicine in his tummy. I, on the other hand had chills and the blasted fever that would go and then come back...go and come back. I couldn't sleep either.

Long about 2:30 a.m. I awake to hear this awful sound. When I first heard it, I thought, "What are the kids doing up watching television at this hour?!" It sounded just like the tv was on...so weird. Well, I get out of bed, and realize no lights are on...and that the sound I am hearing is J-Man wheezing in his bed. It is then I realize, okay he must have croup. So I sit him up, rub his back...ask him to cough...try to get his breathing back to normal, which I do. He really wants nothing to do with me but SLEEP...so I let him go back to bed. (I am still shivering with chills and my fever at this time.) I grab Memms from her bed and take her to my room, send Hubbs back to sleep with Jothan with the window open...praying that the sub-zero temps help the swollen throat he obviously has.

Fast forward to 4:00 a.m. I am awakened by Hubbs, "Kimmie! Come sit with Jothan!" I run into the bathroom...half delirious myself, to my little boy barely getting any air into his little body. He was limp, and coughing and convulsing (not literally...but that motion) trying desperately to get air through his swollen throat. I run to get him some cold water...he barely can get any through, I fear that he will inhale it because he can't even relax enough to try not to breath in at the same time as he drinks...I couldn't get him to settle down. I was just holding him and stroking his little back. Flavio and I wrapped him in a blanket and took him outside. As I walked back down the hallway to our room...BAM! I hit the floor. (Fever, my son can't breathe...I am obviously thinking the worst...PANIC ATTACK?!) As I am coming out of my passed out state, I hear little Memm on my bed:

"Momma, is "Dawson" going to die?"

Tears.

"NO MEMM! He is not going to die!" (I'll be damned if that was going to happen to me...not that! NOT!" I storm to the front door...and tell Hubbs, "Take him to the ER...NOW!" (My husband is WAY faster than any ambulance I know of...and they were to the hospital in less than ten minutes.)

So they get to the new hospital in town...you know that one...if you live here you do...and they immediately pump him up on some steroids and get him on some oxygen.

Well, sometime in the first thirty minutes he got there, someone thought of the brilliant idea that J-Man needed to be moved up to Primary Children's Medical Center. So, Hubbs calls me after they begin taking him away....

Hubbs: "So they are moving him to PCMC."

Me: "Is he that bad?!"

Hubbs: "Well, the doctor up there wants to see him."

Me: "So, they are letting you drive him then right?"

Hubbs: "No...they are transporting him."

Me: "Will you ride with him in the ambulance?"

Hubbs: "Um, not exactly...see they are taking him in the helicopter."

Me: "Are you SERIOUS."

Okay...so remember how I had passed out thinking that my son was going to die in my arms because I couldn't help him, and somewhere in the back of my mind I thought he could very well not make it through this...then my Hubby tells me they are LIFE FLIGHTING him up to the children's hospital...throw all sanity out of my fevered mind at that point.

So, Memms and I...awake since early in the morn, are sitting on the couch watching all sorts of public television, when about ten minutes later I get a call from Hubbs, J-Man is okay...they are watching him in the PICU. "What?" The I-C-U. Dood!

Long story short...he is fine. Really, he is. We really aren't sure why he had to be Life Flown...only to be released 12 hours later...thankfully we do know he is okay! He is well, he was a pissy, pissy boy today, but he is alive!

The entire day today I just kept going over how he looked in the bathroom, how we must have felt, how frightened I was that I might lose him. I am reminded of what a gift he is to me. How special and intelligent his heart and mind. How much I would be lost without him.

The Spirit was totally keeping me awake on Sunday night/Monday morning. I wanted nothing more than to SLEEP and rest...but I needed to be the one to hear him wake up that first time...I hate to think what may have happened had Hubby not been laying right next to him when things went from bad to hell.

I am beginning to forget what a normal day/week/month may look like in our house...I sure as heck hope these kinds of things are not the new norm.

BFFriending. Definition.

This is a story about befriending. Not just "befriending" but "BFFriending". What is BFFriending you ask? It is the fine art of creating a friend, but not just any friend, a BFF.

A "Best Friend Forever".

When I was growing up, I never had a "best friend". My early childhood was spent moving around a bit, and trying to find myself along with my family...when I hit high school, I finally met some of the most dearest people in the world, to this day, are still some of my best friends. How can I have so many you ask? Well, this is why:

Over the course of the past year, we have been hit and hit and hit with trials...and over this past year I have again been reminded of everything I have been given, especially this gift of friends.

Take J-Man...who along with his sister is one of the greatest gifts of all time. His optimism and look on life has blessed me tremendously.

Or how about Trist? Who just a few weeks ago brought me by a sweet, sweet card with the most beautiful flowers (my fave btw) just because.

Then there is Myra bo Byra...who is the bomb diggity bomb...who thought of me in the most special of ways last week when I attended a baby shower. Myra...thank you...you have no idea how much your sweet gift, and tremendous hug held me together this past week.

Let's talk church...Miss Amy and Miss Shannon (pictured right above) have been the most awesomest of friends to me since moving into my ward...they get why I eat snacks and take naps in RS...and they are still my friends because I am cool...and speaking of Shannon, this brings me to the whole thing behind my "BFF" theories.

Almost EVERY single person I love and consider on my list of BFF's (and they will not all be mentioned here today...because I have a mil...and we don't have the rest of your day to talk about them all)...Anyway...I didn't like almost ALL of them when I first met them. I sound UBER stuck up, but let's take Shannon for instance (hi Shannon!) I thought she was BEAUTIFUL...and perfect, and mature...and I never thought in a bazillion years that we would EVER be friends...wow was I wrong...she is kind, generous, fun and inspiring...as is:

'mrs. r' a.k.a. the hottie with the bottie...whenever i think of mrs. r...i think of lower case typing, and big hair, and fierce heels. heck, "i" am practically a celebrity because i. know. her. in. REAL. life! and i milk THAT for all it is worth...believe you me.

But speaking about mrs. r...when I met her...in my mind I was like..."Oh man...that girl and I...we will NEVER be friends...we will never EVER hang out...it just won't happen...nuh huh...not me...not her, not EVER!" Fast forward one year later. She is one of my BESTEST friends...she is hilarious...funny, smart, caring and teaches me SUPER much. So glad, as usual that I was wrong about my BFFriending abilities.

Ya...these go without saying that they are...my bestest friends...they keep me laughing and in tears of joy because of their examples and attitudes of love. How glorious it is to see their relationship...and how I long with all of my heart for them to remain close for all their lives...it is bliss.

It is real.

And these ladies! My "two" moms! The one on the right is single btw...so if any of you have HOTT single dads...PLEASE send them our way. These women have no idea how much they have meant to me throughout my life...especially this past year when I would call my mom in agony and tears and she always was on my side, always knew the right thing to say...as she always has when I needed her to. That is what mom's are for. I love you Momma...

Lorraine, thanks for all you do for us...and continue to do, and for loving your first grandchildren...e'n tho the blood that runs through their veins is not your own...you have shown us what REAL and intense love is...and for that you are my BFF forever.

Wendy! Wendy! a.k.a. "Dubbs". I can't begin to describe this woman...her influence and power for good she has been to my life. I remember when we were just young foo's...and we met and hung out for the first time at President Hinckley's birthday party. Where she learned that "Mormon's" can throw a kick 'a' party when they want to! But really, walking three blocks to and from the car with her...and dinner afterwards at what was it? Leatherby's! I remember some form of bacon being involved, I could be mistaken...that night was the beginning of one of my most cherished and most remarkable friendships. Wend...thanks for being amongst my BFF's...for making me feel like I was some form of missionary to you. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about your testimony...and you will never know how much your strength in all things strengthens me. Thank you for CONSTANTLY calling me (which I love and if you ever stop I might DIE!)...even when I don't answer the phone all the time because I know you are thinking about me...P.S. isn't she GORGEOUS? Makes me sick...just a little.

And for this dood...for NEVER giving up on asking me out. For your persistence and perservearance. Talk about not wanting to be friends with someone...in this case, "Special BFF's" I didn't like him WHATSOEVER in that regard when we first met. I was young, naive and didn't want to get married. 9 months later we WERE married...for ETERNITY I might add...and the last 8 years have been remarkable...spectacular...and I love you more and more and more each and every day. I adore and cherish you more than I let you know...but I secretly hope you DO know how much you mean to me. How in LOVE I am with you. How much I think about you and how grateful I am that I have YOU forever! Also, I think it is cute that you refuse to shave on vacation. Glad it is captured here.

Speaking on "Celebrities" let me just tell you the friends I have made just by mentioning that I know "Moosh" or "Moosh in Indy". Well, I knew her before she had a blog, before she ever had a 'moosh' and before she was ever affiliated with a place called "Indy". I knew her when she was just like me...a little depressed, a little jealous of the other person...basically refusing in our minds that we would "NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH HER!" Ick...srsly. One day...I got up the courage to get over my disdain for Case...and I just made a little funny jokie joke about her taking the last creamsicle...and that was that. She made Joth's birth announcements, borrowed my HUGELY huge maternity clothes that never got to fit her really...and has come to see me and bring me lasagna and mop my floor and love on my kids and my foster kids while I was healing emotionally and physically. She didn't have to. She just did. And it meant the world to me. And this post which made me bawl all sorts of ugly tears. (If you haven't clicked a link yet...you should cuz this one's all about me. :)

Oh. My. Gosh. This "Lady". When I first "met" her...I knew we could NEVER be friends. Seriously NEVER! I am so glad when I am proven wrong. It really is humbling. Tee hee. I need to tell Arianne how much I value my frienship with her...I was able to tell you, Arianne so many personal things before many, many people ever knew them. And because of you, I was re-introduced to "Leish" and was given the opportunity to humble myself and be proven wrong as two of the sweetest ladies I know became some of my dearest friends.

I am thankful I can call Leisha almost daily...and that I can SCREAM into the other end of the phone the second she picks up...and she SCREAMS with me and wakes up her sleeping kids. Now that is what I call a good BFF!

Let's not forget Cassie, and Amanda, and all my other dear ladies I have met through FSA. If not for them I would have never survived our adoption journey"s" with the stamina and learning that I have. Cassie has made us some KILLER casserole (and I KNOW she hates anything that has to do with making something yo'self). I love her because she swears...(like me) and she loves Pepsi...and she is an inspiration to me for loving one's husband...and never giving up on anything! Amanda...for calling me and being a "twin" of horrific circumstances...but for being able to relate and listen to me be ecstatic and weeks later crying and crying. It meant the world to me...just so you know.

Then these PEEPS...who when I met Chel, my 12 year old brain was convinced (is this getting old)...that this GORGEOUS lady...with the HILARIOUS hubby would ever be good friends with ME...and for how many years now? Almost 15?! She became my Young Women's pres...which reminds me of the time in my life when I met Marie...and Lana...and Tony G...and Lacie (who I have known forever now it seems...and who made me the best orange rolls and calls me and we can talk forever like we've never been apart) and Shanna, and Trina, and "Bec" with her beater car (who became my first and dearest BFF EVER...she knows this...now you do too) who picked me up on the "west side" for our first Seminary Council meeting. Also one of the greatest gifts I have gotten from Michelle was meeting this lady. Who unknowingly on one of my darkest of days...sent a package to me...with some of the sweetest notes and thoughts ever. I haven't even had the strength to write her back and let her know how much her love has helped me. I know she knows...thanks Heather. Really...thank you from the bottom of my soul.

There is Amy...who brought me the most yummy treats and flowers when she was UBER pregs, and it still means so much to me than she'll ever know. The photography book is THE best...and folding my laundry meant the world to me. You are...a BFF!

Oh and Holls, who is my "sensei". Who had taught me more about photography than I ever learned in school. Who put up with my crabby ol' self in the most beautiful place on EARTH...(which looking back I am sure you wanted to strangle me...blame it on the declining horomones racing through my body...and thank you for still being my friend!) But her example of motherhood and love of her child amazes me and inspires me. Thanks Hollz.

And there are many, many, many more. Lots of people out there, lots of people who are my friends who know they mean so much to me...even if I couldn't or didn't name you personally, you are in my heart. I love each of you. I thank you for your prayers. I want you to know that if you are reading this...you are special to me.

BFFriending is the BEST...I highly recommend never listening to yourself again.

Hop on this Caboose...choo choo!

PEOPLE! Have you heard of Lush? Well, they've got NOTHING on this local company I just discovered! I have been using this stuff for about a week and it is DIVINE! Smells yummy, feels yummy, and it is au natural! My skin has never felt SO good. I will never buy soap from a grocery store again, it is Spotted Owl for me!

And the best thing? They are looking for testers! DO IT!

Click here for more information!

Out of the Loop!

My apologies to the many people who have called me out on Messenger, e-mail, text, phone, etc. I am on survival mode for the time being.

YES I still love ALL of you...my friends...the people who know I am not usually so...quiet and unreturning of e-mails etc.

Survival mode has caused me to need to stay close to my family right now, and immerse myself in work. I promise the e-mails will be returned shortly...as well as to our regular scheduled programming, there is much to discuss.

All my love.

Learning To Love Me Part 1

Pardon the freaking weird layout...it won't let me hard return...blast.

I started off editing these, thinking I was going to write a grand old post about how wonderful the workshop was. Which it was, but as I spent time with myself...'up close and personal' like...my mind shifted to other things.

I couldn't sleep at all last night. Really, I probably drifted off somewhere around four in the morning and woke up at eight and couldn't sleep again. What is my deal?

My mil asked me tonight if I was pregnant. I just about died. Besides not wanting to cry in front of someone I am pretty sure doesn't like me...and obviously, for whatever reason thinks I either look pregnant enough to ask...I was just plain old mad.

So, back to last night...no sleep. My mind kept returning to what I was originally going to title "the post in my mind" 'Fertile Mertyle...Infertile?'. This is that post, but because it is going to be SO long and SO intense...I'll break it up for you.

First of all, my mind went back to our early years of marriage, of all the doctor visits, of all the physical pain at the time...the emotional came later when I was diagnosed and told I may never have babies. I remember sitting in the office of the doctor I loved and despised for different reasons. I loved her because she could finally put a name to whatever was ailing me...hated her because of how she made me feel about myself. I was 141 lbs when I was diagnosed with Endo. Today? Sheesh...a whopping 171 lbs. What I wouldn't give to be that fat again, but this doctor...that is what she would always focus on...my FAT...my weight. So after the diagnosis, and subsequent treatment, I never ever stepped foot in that office again. I dealt with the roller coaster of emotions.

We got pregnant with Jothan a few months after my treatment for the Endo supression. Lucky. Blessed. Happily. I went to a new doctor's office...to my current doctor, who is so sweet, but whom I have never shared how much hurt I have really experienced, and to whom I don't really talk about how much pain I am suffering...cuz it is just too hard. I don't want to go over it all again, I don't want to be treated, I don't want to feel like a failure...that...and I don't really know what is going on with my body. I feel like this office had the happy, smiling Kim, the one who had a beautiful baby boy...and two point five years later had the most beautiful little baby girl ever.

Fast forward almost three years later. Five babies in one year...gone. The failure I feel for having lost my baby at almost 17 weeks. The "Chelsia" shiz. Juan, his sister, then another failed placement. The trying to get pregnant...the exercise/running that is getting my body no where...the pants that fit too tight...the not knowing what to do but cry sometimes, because I am afraid. Afraid to keep trying for number three because DOOD it has been almost three years and IF by some miracle we get pregnant...how old will Memms be? I just want to bawl. Crawl into a corner right now and scream and cry...and let it all out like I have so many times this year. I hate this. I hate it with a passion. I hate feeling empty...even though I have the world...such a contradiction, but even with all the happiness, the pain masked, it is still there...and it bleeds at times.

So...I was thinking about all of these things through the 3:00 hour this morning...and then tonight, when I was spending time with myself...I realized...I am strong. I am wise. I am a better person for all of these trials. I am closer to my husband, who sweetly says when my period comes, "I'll get you pregnant next month!" Ha! I am more appreciative of my babies that I do have, that I get to cuddle each and every day. I remember how important they are when my patience runs dry. I even saw that I was beautiful. When I take the time to find that person in me. Beauty really does come from within, I will never be a model, but I will be a fantastic mother, a faithful wife, a daughter of God. No matter what I need to live up to that potential. I like this girl I see I even love her...I would like to love her more though. She knows what she needs to do...why the heck doesn't she just do it?

S'ghetti

Why on EARTH do I take better pictures of other people's kids and not MINE? Anyway...it all has to do with my DUNGEON of a house...dood it was like 6:00 at night...anywho...

This is Memms. We had a loverly supper of "Skinny Noodles" with sauce and "yellow cheese" the other night. It was delish.

WELL! As Jay and I are enjoying our delicious meal, I hadn't noticed that Memms was being awfully quiet. I look over and she was eating:

1: With her hands and not with the fork I gave her.

2: She was shoving the food into her mouth and subsequently the food was going ALL over the FLOOR, the countertop, and herself.

3: Her face...well that pretty much explains itself.

So, I sweetly ask her, "Memms, what the heck?" To which she smartly replies,

"I a baby!"

Nuff said?

Nuff said.

Except: I don't know what is more disturbing...her orange face, or the fact that her hands were all "raisiny" and "wrinkled" from the moisture of it all.

I get the heebie geebies just thinking about it.