What the?

Sometimes, especially this week, I cannot fathom why so many seemingly terrible things are happening all around me. Happening to AMAZING people. Ugh.

I hate seeing my friends hurting.
In the course of two weeks I have seen a friend lose a baby, another deal with her baby being very, very sick in the NICU, another friend struggle with legal stuff as well as wondering if her husband will ever find his dream job. Friends I have never met, making decisions about cancer, something no parent should ever have to make. This is just the tip of the iceberg really, I could go on and on and on and on.

Then, things in my own life that I wish would just go away, keep coming back up, like bad Italian.
Seriously, when is enough, enough?

I don't have the answer to that. I wish I did. I had the opportunity to see an old friend tonight. I haven't seen her for 9 years. It was BOMB. The funny thing is, we got talking about my year last year...dood, people, it sucked! It sucked ace. Let's be honest, if this blog wasn't Rated PG13, I may be dropping a few f'bombs about how my year was.

It kills me to think back on it...while at the same time,
I feel so victorious over it.

The trials that seemed to weigh me down, the holes in my walls as proof, now stand as medals of courage and valor, and reminders of where we have come from...and that no matter how bleak things look, there is time to heal the wounds.

Time to break free and hope for something better.
That is it never the answer to give up, but to keep fighting.
Because we all know how cool it is to be a winner.
How thankful I am to finally be on the other side for awhile...to give my hope and heart to those who need it so badly.

I just wanted my friends to know tonight how much I love them.
How often I think of them, and pray for them, and hope for them, and wish the best for them.

• Those who are waiting for babies, both through adoption, and through pregnancy, or hoping for pregnancy.
• Those who have lost their babies do to death and other tragedy.
• Those praying with swollen eyes over their babies whose future is still uncertain.
• Those who watch daily, their little one suffering with cancer (damn brain tumors, damn them!) and are not sure how many more days they will have with their six year old.
• Those who are seeking for peace and finality in their hope to be a forever family.
• Those who really would like to tell their boss to suck it so they can feel a grander scope of what this world has to offer...something other than limbo. (I hate limbo.)

Just praying for you...all of you, with all of my heart. All of it, not one spot left for anything but.

My kid! Argh!

So, I am having a little problem today with my youngest. She is the sweetest, most gentile, and loving little being so today really came as a shock to me and I am trying to understand why and what to do with her.

After Family Home Evening tonight, which consisted of eating dinner outside, playing, and pulling all the weeds in our new baby grass, I decided our treat would be to walk down to the 7-11 and get Slurpees.

My first mistake was staying outside with Memms and the bikes. (I should have gone inside with Hubbs and J-Man. There was this guy outside the sev with his dog, and he was obviously walking his dog (I have seen him many times.) Anyway, he is a very over-weight guy. Very. So, I start chatting with him a bit...we both say hello, yada, yada, yada. Then, as he is leaving with his headphones on (me praying he didn't hear what came out of Memms mouth) she says:

"Mom! That guy is SO fat!"

She said it loud. I start bawling. Where on earth did my little girl learn this? I know in my husband's culture, his parents are always making one comment or another about how people look (this infuriates me btw) and I am wondering what kinds of things are being said when I am not with my children. I can't help but wonder if this is where she picked it up? Or is it just something that she learned on their own? I am not looking to blame, I just feel awful.

As I gained my composure, Hubbs came out to inform me that they were out of Coke Slurpee and that Memms and I needed to come in and choose a flavor.

He looks at me and I recount what had just happened.
We sit down and have a talk with her, about how it hurts people when we call them names, etc.
(She is the queen of getting upset when people call her names, albeit nicknames, whatnot...she HATES it.)
So anyway, I am HOPING she got it...and praying that this man did not hear her.

Have you ever encountered this with your children? How did you get over feeling like you were the worst parent of all time?

I am going to go eat my king sized candy bar I got instead of a Slurpee, I feel like crawling in a hole and dying of mortification. Maybe if I do this, she will make the comment to me and not so someone else. And believe me, I already know how big my butt is, she has told me. Oi.

Heartbroken.

My dear friends Heather and Mike lost their sweet baby girl today.

The tears are over-flowing and my heart is wrenching for them.

Please pray for them.

Please donate to The March of Dimes in Maddie's name.

I am in shock. I can't believe she is gone. Oh Mike and Heather, how I love you and am thinking of you and praying for you.

I know there is life eternal.
You will see precious Madds again.

I love you!

If you feel so inclined to send your love and or words of encouragement, or packages,
please do so:

Heather, Mike, & Maddie
11870 Santa Monica Blvd
#106-514
Los Angeles, CA 90025

Also, a PayPal account has been set up to help pay for immediate expenses:

formaddie@hotmomreviews.com

One Year, and Miracles

Bear with me, this will be a long post...

I am not sure why, but even as I sit here, vomitous chunks arise in my throat.



It has been one year since we lost our last baby. One year since my family almost lost me.

I am trembling just even thinking about it. I don't want to think about it.
I don't want to relive it.

For those of you new here, if you don't know the story, you can read all about it here.

How do you move on from something so terrible?

Well, somehow you do. You take it one day at a time, and as I look over to the right of my computer, you can also take it one hole in the wall at a time like I did. You can drop the f-bomb a million times a day, and cry your eyes out until they bleed because they are so tired from crying.

Then you get up, dust yourself off, and try again. Or in our case, try multiple times again and again and get burned...but that is another post for another day.

We miss Peanut. We miss the little spirit that might have been. We think about him/her often. How close we were to finding out what we were having. What joy we had in anticipation. What sadness we felt.

It is common consensus around here that Peanut was/is a boy. So from now on we refer to Peanut as such. This makes J-dawg thrilled because he knows someday he will have a little brother.

(He, on his own accord brings this up regularly. As he was old enough to know and understand when the loss occurred.)

We think of 2008 as a great growing and learning experience here at our house.

We are thankful to have had LJ in our home during this time, even though at the time I wasn't sure why he would come the day before such tragedy would strike our home and our heart. I am not sure why weeks later we would be chosen to be scammed by a "birth mother". Why two months later we would be chosen by another birth mother, only to feel so good and confirming about that situation, to have it fall apart just as quickly. All I know is that, all of these things have been for our good. They have strengthened us, made us quicker to love, less likely to judge, and more ready to help those who are struggling through similar circumstances.

My heart is full.

I can't believe I can sit here and write that after a year.

A heart that was so broken and empty and angry can write that it is now full. Do I have all of the answers to "Why?" no. Do I wish that we hadn't had to endure what we did? I can honestly say now, that no. I am glad we did, for it made us stronger.

Early last fall after I bawled for 45 minutes on the phone to one of my best friends as I travelled to vacation with my family, I realized I had reached my breaking point.

It was around this same time that Hubbs and I decided (maybe more "I" decided...not sure) that if nothing happened for our little family's growth by December of 2008
we were going to throw in the fertility towel, throw in the adoption towel, and
move on with our lives.
Those five months were torture to my soul. One of my good friends asked me, "If this is so hard for you, why are you giving yourself a deadline?" The only answer I could come up with is that I needed to move on from this era of my life, my children needed their mother back, not the crazy shell of a woman that had replaced her. For three years we had been trying to get another child into our home...enough was enough wasn't it? So while it killed me to do it, I knew it was the answer...and in some ways I looked forward to the new year, to our little family, just us, to a new beginning.

Well, let me stop here for a moment and introduce you to someone.





Meet Millz

She is a little shy, this being her first "public" blog post and all.

She has heard that whenever her mom posts exciting news to her blog something tragic happens. She has reassured me a thousand times that this time will be different. But even as I tell you this, I feel like running into the other room to throw up (and that has nothing to do with being pregnant). She even assures me that I will get to wrap her up in the new blankets she HAD to have from Target (she is starting already), and that she can't wait to share a room with her big sister. She is also looking forward to the "rubberband gun lesson" that J-Dawg promised to give her when she gets bigger. I am holding on to her faith because I think she is closer to the Big Guy right now than I could ever be. :)

Heavenly Father works in a mysterious way. I don't suggest you give him a deadline, because just as you start getting comfortable with the way your new life will be, he will throw you a curve ball. A miraculous, beautiful curve ball, good thing I am good at bat.

We found out in December (can you believe it?) that this sweet baby would be joining our family.

We told no one.

I don't think we even told ourselves. Hubbs and I just walked around the house like, "Word." and "Holla." And that was that.

Why?

Well, because for the first three months there was intermittent bleeding and spotting. If I had a session, it was the death of me, I would bleed for days. At first I didn't even believe I was pregnant because well, Aunt Flow came to visit a few days early. I even blogged about being THANKFUL that she had. So silly of me.

I spent the first four months on the couch. SICK...SICK...SICK...and worried that if I did "too much" I would lose this baby too. I was so so so afraid to hope.

When I saw the doctor at 8 weeks, I saw the heartbeat via ultrasound. Even that didn't suffice. We told our kiddos at week 17. We finally told family around week 18. We had our ultrasound at week 20.

I am now at week 22.

You would think that I would be feeling better about things. I am faithful, I am extremely hopeful. I can't imagine that this would end badly as well. Would I be broken and lost if it did? Probably for a time. Would I eventually move on and learn? Most definitely. For now, I am taking it one day at a time. We, as a family are taking it one day at a time. It is maddening. It is hard to function, to just let go and let what will be, BE...but I can't. So each day is spent in agonizing worry, worry until I feel her move, worry until I see the doctor again. I wish it wasn't so. For this reason I didn't want to blog about it. But tonight, as I thought about Peanut, as I thought about all of the other babies that were to have been, I think how happy and excited I was for each and every one of them, and how this sweet girl deserves that too. She deserves to hear the happiness and congratulations from my friends. She deserves to be welcomed and wished for and hoped for.

Despite my heart.
My crazy, crazy heart.

This is our last shot. We found out at our ultrasound that I may be having surgery shortly after the baby is born (she is due July 30). They found a cystic tumor on my right ovary that they are watching and will remove after she makes her arrival. We will let you know more when we know more. This has shaken me a bit. Not sure what to think...I may end up "wombless" by the end of the year. Tee hee...one can only hope to not have periods ever again. I have a great doctor. I have a great Hubband. We are in good hands all around. We are in the Master's Hands.

With great trial cometh the blessings.

We are counting ours each and every day.

Inspired.

And teary.

Mine TV is Kaput!

Taken by my four year old...back in June. Nice eh?

AS IF!

Dood, had a rough morning with the five year old. He woke with a fever...(correction he woke EARLY with a fever).

So, I couldn't send him to school, and I had no other caretaker for him. Had to nix the plans with my friend Hollywood. (Sorry Holls.)

So, what do you do when your kid awakens so freaking early in the morning? Well, if you are anything like me, we head downstairs and I let them watch all sorts of PBS until I am ready to face the day...or at least open my eyes whichever comes first.

So, we get all comfy cozy on the couch. We watch five minutes of Arthur and three minutes of George...and "pizoooooooo". Death to the television. Gone...whammo, kaput.

So, I did what any other sleep deprived desperate mother would do. I put them in front of the little 7" television in the kitchen, and I slept on the family room rug.

Notes to self: Couch is much more comfy than floor. Buy new TV (ha ha...that last part is a joke, I think I shall permanently borrow one from my inlaws).

"It is what it is."

I've come here many times the past few days. Trying to decide what to say, how to explain how my heart is feeling. The words don't come easy, and I am not quite sure what to say.

I have gotten a few e-mails from people asking about the adoption, and because the situation is quite personal and very private, at this time I feel it best not to share anything more than we will not be adopting a baby this month as we had hoped. I ask if you have any further questions or comments please e-mail me personally.

With that being said, because so many of you have been concerned about me, I will let you know a bit of what I have been feeling the past few weeks.

With the events of the past six months spinning around in my head, and wit

h the knowledge and thoughts of almost having five babies into our home this year, without one coming to fruition, has me reeling.

My heart is aching. My heart is very much pained. I had to make a commitment a few weeks ago to turn my heart and my mind and my energy into my little ones. Into my hubbs.

I feared that if we didn't do this...the trials may get the better of us and things would not be well.

We have had some very spiritual confirmations as to the answers "why".

We still don't have the answers mind you, but at least we know and feel that everything our family has endured has been to teach us, and to help us to grow, and learn something that will help us and perhaps those around us in the future. We have learned greatly of unconditional love, of serving, of our hearts and just what they are capable of.

I have never prayed so hard or so much in my entire life. I have never felt such distinct promptings of the Spirit, such distinct answers to prayer that I can remember, and for these answers and comfort I am grateful. Accepting and acting upon these answers have not been easy at times...but again and again I am convinced and things are reaffirmed that we are doing what we need to be doing and on the path that we need to be on.

Because the events of the past while have been so painful, we have decided at this time to put our adoption profile on hold. This comes with a heavy heart, but a decision which we realize is best for us, and for our children to heal. Many hearts have been hurt, and pained, and we just aren't sure we can go on feeling the hurt at this time.

These decisions have been some of the hardest we have ever had to make. The past two weeks have left me, personally, downtrodden, sad, teary, greatly depressed, but at the same time renewed and close to my Father in Heaven. I have spent a lot of the past two weeks sleeping. Resting my body from the intense emotional pain I have felt. Resting from the intense physical pain caused by that half marathon too (ouch I hurt my ankle!). I have really turned into my work, into myself, into my heart...and trying beyond all in my being to remain close to my children, and close to my husband, and band us stronger and stronger through these hard times.

I'm not sure I can even explain a portion of what I feel.

Just when I was thinking...

...things could not get worse.

I booked my amazing and talented friend and photographer Jon for this.

And our car breaks down this afternoon.

The timing.

I had to e-mail him back like the loser I am and cancel. My heart is breaking.

So all of our 'extra' money has to go to that.

I could just crawl into a ball and bawl.

Enough is enough already.

ENOUGH!
SO, instead of wallowing in my own self pity...(which I am terrible at anyway and it is SO unattractive) let's do something to help NieNie and her family since I can't do it on my own. I have no money, but do have time...and perhaps someone else out there does have money.

A one hour photography session with ME (up to six people). And an 11x14 inch print from your session. And...AND...AND...a full resolution version of the images from your session on DVD.

HOW?!

BID.

Bid in the comment section. I will leave this post up for two days and close it. The highest bidder will donate the winning bid to NieNie and her family via their Paypal account and send me a copy of the Paypal receipt.

Have fun.

Be Aware.

I have been debating for months and months as to whether or not I should blog about this particular situation. Some things have arisen today that tell us that this person is NOT in anyway who she claimed herself to be, and with the announcement of our being chosen by our a birth mother, this person who shall be known as "C" has begun attacking me, my friends, and is saying very hurtful and untrue things for whatever reason. I hope that if you have been one of the people targeted, and that this person has e-mailed you, that you will feel comfortable to come to me, to e-mail me, so that we can discuss further and talk through what is happening. I appreciate those of you who have come forward to tell me about these e-mails and this contact from this person. For this reason I feel it is very important to share these things I am about to share with you. Hopefully this way, no one will have to hurt the way our family has been hurt, and continues to be hurt by those who are untruthful and dishonest and are just out to hurt people like me and my husband, and others hoping to adopt. Stick with me, it is worth it.

Firstly, an article from the Someone's Missing Handbook, Making Your Adoption Happen, A Finder's Guide for Families who are Hoping to Adopt.

Internet Safety--Adoption

Avoiding Online Fraud Adopting a child can be one the happiest occasions in your life. In order to have a positive experience, you must take some precautions, especially when using the Internet. The likelihood of fraud is greater unless you take proper care.To protect yourself, consider the following points:
Due to your strong desire for a baby, you may be vulnerable to online scams and unreasonable requests that are not in your best interest.


Always choose an ethical path for your adoption, which is not necessarily the shortest or easiest path. For instance, some states require birth father notification before a court approves an adoption to occur. In addition, all states dictate that adoptions are subject to finalizing court custodial decrees prior to a couple crossing state boundaries to return home with the baby. These laws can cause inconveniences to adoptive couples but are required. Other ethical issues may also surface that call in to question the best interest of all parties to the adoption. For example, a birth parent may request that an adoptive couple pay for inappropriate items, services, or procedures that have nothing to do with support through her pregnancy. Couples are strongly encouraged to abide by the laws and ethical practices of adoption.
Protect your privacy. In online profiles, don't mention your employer, salary, home or work phone numbers. Invite birth mothers to call your adoption cell phone number if you are in possession of one.


Don't make a hasty decision, no matter how anxious you are for a child. Don't over commit to anyone until your caseworker has had time to check out the situation.
Money should only be given through the agency. Do not give money directly to the birth mother. The agency will approve expenses and disburse funds directly to the appropriate person such as a landlord, physician, or utility company.
The most common form of fraud involves someone who accepts money from an adoptive family knowing that she will never place a child for adoption. She may promise a child to several families, collecting money from each.


Be cautious with anyone who contacts you directly and prefers to work only through you. A woman who is sincere about adoption will provide you with specific contact information and she should respect your request that she talk with your caseworker.

Additional Red Flags

The birth mom wants to bring the baby to you. She may say this to get you to buy a plane ticket for her that she can cash in later. Most true birth mothers want you to come to them.

The birth mom is not available by phone or the address is not verifiable.
She does not provide proof of pregnancy or other requested documents. She seems to always have a reason for not sending you identifying information. She may have a sudden miscarriage or hospitalization when you ask for too much information.

She does not want you to contact anyone else concerning her pregnancy. She will not give you real names or numbers of doctors.

It's rare, but has happened: fraud not for money, but for attention or to inflict harm. In these cases the birth parent is not pregnant at all. She may be desperately lonely and in need of psychological help. She wants to talk intimately with someone and knows she can find emotionally fragile adoptive parents who will care about her. Her victims are manipulated into longing for the child. The game lasts only until she is asked to document her pregnancy or to meet the agency caseworker.

Birth Mother Scams

In the middle of the night you may receive a call from a woman you don't know. She has put off her decision to place the child for adoption until the last possible moment. She is in the hospital and going into labor.

Ask her to tell you the name of the hospital and her doctor. Give this information to your caseworker who can call the hospital maternity ward to verify the woman's story.Some homeless birth mothers are truly in need of assistance. You will want them to be safe and, if the law allows, the agency may provide them with services that include housing assistance. Your caseworker will verify their story before spending any money.

Screening Your Birth Mother

As a prospective adopting parent, your main worry may be whether the birth parent you will connect with will complete the adoption. The first task is to confirm her sincerity about the adoption. This can be difficult, especially if she is located far from where you live. In your first phone call, find out her phone number and the location from which she is calling. With this information, you may be able to enlist the help of an agency caseworker in her area to meet with her and verify her information.In response to your online profile, you may receive e-mails from people who claim to represent a birth mother. It is best to say, "Great! Have her contact us or our caseworker. We'd like to talk and we'll send you some information you can give her."If this person says, "You can only go through me to reach her, " consider that a red flag and move cautiously.

Please consider these additional tips when screening a birth mother.

Search out her contact name using Google (e.g. JaneDoe@yahoo.com...type in "JaneDoe" on Google.) If the birth mother is using a different name while chatting with an instant messenger program, perform a Google search on this name as well. If you are dealing with a scammer, you may find they they have posted information on other Web sites.

If your contact has sent you pictures, right click on the picture and obtain the picture's file name. Take the file name and perform an "Image" Google search. Some scammers steal pictures off of other Web pages and then send them to adoptive couples claiming the picture as their own. Be very cautious when you use this screening technique as searching some contact images may lead to Web sites that are pornographic in nature.

Some adoptive couples have visited online forums such as www.forums.adoption. com. Couples who have encountered a contact that turned out to be a scam may post this information on these forums. Building a networking relationship with other online adoptive couples can be valuable in detecting fraudulent contacts who claim to be birth parents. Always exercise caution when networking online as information you receive may not always be accurate.

A contact may give you a cellular or residential telephone number. The Internet has many Web sites where you can verify a contact's telephone number. This is called a "reverse look-up" and allows you to type in a contact's cellular or residential phone number to ensure it matches up with the name. Some sites are free while others require payment for use.

Verifying a contact person's state or city in important when screening birth mothers. Web sites such as www.switchboard.com allow you to search by name or telephone number.
One of the best tools to screen birth parents in your LDS Family Services' caseworker. Your caseworker can help you find out and verify information. When a birth parent visits an LDS Family Services office, the caseworker can verify information and pregnancy status.

SO...

Now that this icky stuff is out of the way, I want to tell you about "C". C started contact with us in April of this year. She said she was seventeen, was pregnant, and had initially contacted us through the LDSFS website. Through the course of a few weeks we became extremely close, and eventually she told Hubbs and I that she wanted to place her baby with us. Great, we were excited, thrilled, and if any of you know us, we were going through a really emotional time during all of this, having lost our baby...and really our relationship with C was never one but love and care and concern for her and for her baby...we wanted to help her in any way possible, even if she didn't place her baby with us, we wanted her to get the help that she needed. I'm here to tell you today that C was NOT who she said she was, she was/and is a scammer, and hopefully I can share with you what I have learned so that she will not hurt anyone else, and especially those that I love and care for so dearly as she is currently doing.

In our situation, these are the red flags that we ignored at first...

There was ALWAYS some emergency...she was sick A LOT...always in the hospital, always some problem with her parents. She said her mom had died of cancer a few years prior and that she was struggling with her step-mother.

She was going to run away from home, and come stay with us. When she asked if this was okay and we initially told her it wouldn't be a good idea, she used that to her advantage and made us feel terrible, like we had done something wrong...which we hadn't and we were in the right.

She would NEVER go to the agency and talk to a worker. She was REALLY good about making ME feel good that she wanted ME to go with her (she lived out of state) just another red flag that she wasn't who she said she was and wasn't willing to make things legit.

She had what we believe, to be using a fake name, her Facebook, which she added me to, and then later blocked me from when I got smart, had many many friends from where she said she lived, but guess what? None of those friends ever wrote on her wall. No one ever asked her how she was doing, etc. She didn't have pictures on her Facebook either.

She would never send US pictures. One night and one night only she would trade up tiny pictures over instant messaging, and then one night she uploaded a ton of pictures to Facebook, then mysteriously the next day they were gone...so that I couldn't even show Hubbs. Hmmm. Then as her due date approached, she sent me a picture of JUST a belly, no head...just a pregnant belly, which of course we all know, you can't verify who the person is with no head. Interesting.

We would make plans to meet with her, seven times to be exact, and she would never show up...or some emergency would happen and she would not be able to make it...at least at first she was kind enough to let us know she wasn't coming...up until the fourth time I think...then she just got lazy and rude and wouldn't call or anything for days later.

So, during this time, up until three or so weeks into it, we trusted her, believed her...then we put it out for the world on the blog...when a sweet friend, after reading the post called me and told me to be careful, that the things C had written to us in our little post were some of the exact things another birth mother had written to her. The reference to the baby as "Munchkin" or "Gremlin" both terms which another suspected scammer had used on my friend and her husband....Hubbs and I had been concerned for a few days about C being a scammer...this is when I did some hard core searching and finding to see what I could come up with...

I paid to have her phone number searched...her phone was indeed made out to the name she said was hers, but no valid address. No information could be found on her father or her step mother. There were no people on Facebook or MySpace that matched the names of her sibling...strange and weird seeing how she said they had them...?!

Then I started googling her name...her ID's for everything that I knew...and low and behold eBay...the lovely thing that it is was THE KEY...this C had mentioned to me that she was selling her iPod on eBay...silly silly C...well I noticed that she was using the same id on eBay as she had for her e-mail, for her instant messenger etc...and that she had changed her id in the last few weeks, about the same time she contacted us...hmmm...and guess what her old eBay user id led me to? An accused adoption scammer from New Mexico...and where was this eBay user from? Well none other than New Mexico.

There is a lady, Lynne who runs http://www.adoptionscams.net/ who was an angel and a princess at this time. She helped me find out all sorts of information on C...by the way that is NOT her name...nothing she said was EVER true to my knowledge, she was NOT 18, definitely NOT pregnant, and definitely NOT who she said she was. She was in fact, 32, has a warrant out for her arrest in New Mexico (hope you are aware C) and has been scamming couples like my husband and I since 2004.

I NEVER wanted to hurt C...even when I knew she wasn't who she said she was. I never wanted anything bad to happen to her. I feel really confused right now as to why she is trying to hurt me and my family. Some crazy stuff.

So, now, she has taken it upon herself to e-mail some of my dearest friends in the world and tell them horrible lies and things that she herself said about her own friends, her own family. She is mean, she is nasty...and once she is caught she turns (as has been apparent in the past) and basically turns wicked.

I just wanted to put this out there because I never felt it was my place to talk about my scamming experience, but this person has taken it upon herself to stalk my family, my life, and ruin it for whatever reason. I am not afraid of her. I don't want her or anyone like her to hurt those that I love. So, especially to my friends in the adoption world, be careful...I am so thankful that my friend called met the day that she did...and more than likely C and her H are the same people.

Be aware...

Not Good.

Sigh.

Today was not a good day.

I messed up royally.

I almost hate myself.

I am so confused.

I wish I were smarter, keener, listened better.

I feel like throwing up.

I feel like I am not worthy.

I wonder if I am?

I wonder what I should do?

I wonder if I am strong enough.

I wonder what Father in Heaven wants from me?

I wonder if Satan is working overtime on me?

I wonder if these tears will stop.

I wonder if I can take anymore?

I wonder why He thought I could handle this?

I wonder if I can.

I feel like a failure.

I am so so so sorry.

Sometimes I wonder...

...how anyone can recover from loss. I have been out of the blog loop for a few weeks since my newly acquired schedule. So I have been a really good girl and haven't been spending all of my waking hours on the Internet. I hadn't regretted that decision until today, when I read this:

Marc and Megan

Even though I have been through a similar thing, I don't understand it. I don't comprehend any of it. I wish I could understand, I wish I had all of the answers, but I don't and that frustrates me. I feel sick, I feel confused, I wish I knew WHY?! WHY!?

I just ask that you pray for them. Pray for them to have strength and courage, and peace and HOPE! I love you Marc and Megan. My hearts are with you. I'll make sure to ask that Elli and Emma can play with Peanut!

Loves and prayers.

Why Do You Blog?!

Sarah asks, Why do you blog?

I answer:

Laughing a bit, It used to be so I could be honest with my feelings so I wouldn't go CRAZY thinking I was the only one! Now, I realize how important it is that I do blog, because I am indeed a little crazy, but without this blog I would miss out and forget all of "the little moments" in my children's lives. The funny things they say, the things that melt my heart. Another reason, to stay in touch with friends, when the miles and stresses of life would otherwise keep us apart! Miss you Sarah!

I tag:

Arianne

Leslie

Amanda

April

Ashley