Saturday, September 13, 2008

"It is what it is."

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I've come here many times the past few days. Trying to decide what to say, how to explain how my heart is feeling. The words don't come easy, and I am not quite sure what to say.
I have gotten a few e-mails from people asking about the adoption, and because the situation is quite personal and very private, at this time I feel it best not to share anything more than we will not be adopting a baby this month as we had hoped. I ask if you have any further questions or comments please e-mail me personally.
With that being said, because so many of you have been concerned about me, I will let you know a bit of what I have been feeling the past few weeks.
With the events of the past six months spinning around in my head, and wit
h the knowledge and thoughts of almost having five babies into our home this year, without one coming to fruition, has me reeling.
My heart is aching. My heart is very much pained. I had to make a commitment a few weeks ago to turn my heart and my mind and my energy into my little ones. Into my hubbs.
I feared that if we didn't do this...the trials may get the better of us and things would not be well.
We have had some very spiritual confirmations as to the answers "why".
We still don't have the answers mind you, but at least we know and feel that everything our family has endured has been to teach us, and to help us to grow, and learn something that will help us and perhaps those around us in the future. We have learned greatly of unconditional love, of serving, of our hearts and just what they are capable of.
I have never prayed so hard or so much in my entire life. I have never felt such distinct promptings of the Spirit, such distinct answers to prayer that I can remember, and for these answers and comfort I am grateful. Accepting and acting upon these answers have not been easy at times...but again and again I am convinced and things are reaffirmed that we are doing what we need to be doing and on the path that we need to be on.
Because the events of the past while have been so painful, we have decided at this time to put our adoption profile on hold. This comes with a heavy heart, but a decision which we realize is best for us, and for our children to heal. Many hearts have been hurt, and pained, and we just aren't sure we can go on feeling the hurt at this time.
These decisions have been some of the hardest we have ever had to make. The past two weeks have left me, personally, downtrodden, sad, teary, greatly depressed, but at the same time renewed and close to my Father in Heaven. I have spent a lot of the past two weeks sleeping. Resting my body from the intense emotional pain I have felt. Resting from the intense physical pain caused by that half marathon too (ouch I hurt my ankle!). I have really turned into my work, into myself, into my heart...and trying beyond all in my being to remain close to my children, and close to my husband, and band us stronger and stronger through these hard times.
I'm not sure I can even explain a portion of what I feel.

29 comments:

Heather said...

Oh Kimmy!! I am so sorry! I am crying and wishing I could give you a big hug and take you away from this pain! Lady, you amaze me! I am so impressed by you and your strength! It makes me angry that you had to go through so much in such a small amount of time! I am here for you girl if you ever need anything!! All my love!!

moosh in indy. said...

I am going to California before I head to Salt Lake in November. My mom has a swanky hotel on the beach...you know. If you're interested. And then there's Heather in LA. And Disneyland...
Just sayin'
Love you.
xoxo

mrs. r said...

loving you.
you are stronger than you know.

...and plus, target can help you work through some of these emotions.

i have seen it done.

xoxox.

Marty said...

I'm sorry.

Fostervision said...

I am so sorry that you have gone through so much the past few months.

Amy said...

You poor gal! Seriously Kim, I am so sorry! We'll keep you in our prayers, love ya!

ec said...

love you, kim. stay strong...

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

I'm trying to come up with some profound healing words...they just aren't comin'. Sorry if my e-mail hurt your feelings in any way. I can't imagine what you are going through. I'm sorry just doesn't seem like enough.

Leisha said...

Lady. I love you. I am always here for you if you need to talk and I'm so sorry for the insane craziness you have dealt with the past six months. I hate to see my friend hurting and I wish I had some magic something to help you through this. Loves and Hugs.

Anonymous said...

Your post made my heart hurt. My husband and I adopted two kids when adoptions were closed, so we didn't hear a word from social services (as it was called then) until the birth parents had signed away their rights and the adoption was a sure thing.

Our kids are grown now and our son married a girl with a daughter, who he later adopted.

Our daughter has been married 6 years now and has major fertility problems -- I told her she inherited that from me. Watching her go through the frustration brings back too many memories, especially when I watch my cousins with so many grand kids.

While we're waiting for our daughter to either adopt or go through more fertility treatments (her husband will be deployed to Afghanistan soon, which will further delay their family plans) we spoil other people's babies. Not quite the same, but we do what we can.

The Ashlee said...

Kim, I love you lots. How close you are to Heavenly father inspires me. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

ash

Lilli said...

So, I am not saying I am sorry for you to say "It is okay," (because it's not) I am saying I am sorry because I am sorry for the pain you have felt, for the craziness in your life, for the hard times that have to be endured without knowing why. I think the world of you. I think you are strong, talented, wonderful and an example of your faith through your trials! Much love!

Jared and Liam Craig said...

I am a lukker, I read your blog like everyday, I am friends with Erin C. We both live in Saskatoon. And though I don't know you, I will pray for you, and wish you the best. I love your blog

Lindy said...

hugs- sorry I don't know what else to say.

Miss Myra said...

go fight win honey
september can be rough
i love you so so very much. love you like a fat kid loves cake!

Your Pal Pinki said...

Sending good energy and stuff your way, one mom to another.

me said...

XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXO

Amy and Josh said...

Love you Kim.

Your Pal Pinki said...

I have an award for you on my blog. I'm also adding you to my blog roll. : )

Liz said...

Kim, I'm sorry to hear this news. I'm sorry for the additional pain it's caused you at this time in your family. Here's hoping it gets better!

Ron and Jessica said...

Our hearts are aching for you and your family. We love you!

marci helen said...

so blessed to have so many people to help you through! i love that you constantly look for lessons in all you go through...smart woman! i'm glad you are taking it easy, and enjoying your sweet kids! and man your eyes are simply fab in the picture...really stunning!

Arianne said...

i love you kimmie! lets do baskin robins this week!! MY TREAT!

Michelle said...

You are amazing. Your attitude and outlook on the entire scheme is amazing. I wish more people in this world could follow your example- especially me!!! You know the right place to find the answers and comfort. I've always told you that you are way ahead of your time. I'm always up for a "sweet getaway" some evening or lunch! I promise there will be no rattlesnake eggs!

dust and kam said...

Totally thinking about your and your sweet family! Lots of Love!

Jed and Kate said...

I am so sorry to hear that you are yet again experiencing such intense heartache. It is hard for me to believe all of the things you've had to go through in the short time I have known you. As others have said, your ability to reach out for the Spirit and for comfort from Heavenly Father is inspiring. There is absolutely a reason for everything and it is clear that you are aware of and are holding on to that truth. You and your beautiful family will certainly be in my prayers. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.
-Kate

duston todd said...

kim,
i too want to send my support.
i am glad that you are taking this as a growth opportunity, finding the blessings in it all, and remaining positive even though other forces are constantly fighting against you.
keep the faith, fight the fight, and continue to put your trust in who knows best!
(know if i can just heed my own advise)

my best to you and the family!

duston todd said...

also,
i just saw a comment on my blog from you were you said you'll be sending me a pic of the picture i took of you guys...please do, i'd love to see it!
you rawk! (trying to throw a kim-ism in there)
so we need to chat. call me sometime.

Carrie said...

I seriously love ya! I'm so glad you have this blog where you can come and get out some of your feelings! You have been in my thoughts and prayers lately! If you ever need someone to vent to or give you a hug or clean your house (like you did for me when I was so ill! You'll never know how much that meant to me and how much I still think about that!) I'm a phone call or email away!

You really are one amazing woman! I look up to you so much and am taken aback at how strong you are (even though I'm sure at time's you don't feel like it!) and how your faith in God is unmoveable! Seriously, thank you for sharing a big and emotional part of your life!

Love you lady! HUGS!!!