I hadn't realized how much this entire situation over the last three months had affected me. After getting the picture text on Saturday at the workshop...I just couldn't focus, I couldn't breathe or think or act or move. I wanted nothing more than to run...run far far far away. I couldn't...I had spent so much freaking money on the workshop that I had to stay. As soon as the class was over for the day...I hopped in my car and the tears began to flow immediately and immensely. Because some of the details of this failed adoption are very sacred to my heart, I still do not want to share details, suffice it to say that knowing something is right, and that it is all part of Heavenly Father's plan...has not and does not make it any easier. I called one of my best friends and I bawled on the phone...the entire trip back to my little family vacationing in Midway. I was hysterical. I was SOBBING. I could not control myself. The feelings that my heart was experiencing were intense, extremely intense.
My heart thought of J...and of all that she was going through. My heart broke for her...for her loss, for her sacrifice...I longed to hug her...to tell her how much she is loved. I couldn't help but think of that sweet baby girl and how much we loved her...for two months...even now...how she was a part of our life for that time. How we planned for her, put a crib up for her, bought all the necessities for her...then my heart went to this new family that J created...this adoptive couple...who got to take home this beautiful baby to love and to hold. I have just been so full of so many, many things. Things I can't even begin to share.
The past week has been hard. I know that things have to look up soon. I had a nice long talk with my Father in Heaven. One of my really good friends told me one time, "Have you ever thought about telling Father in Heaven enough is enough and you just can't take anymore?" I had to laugh...but then...a few weeks later, I took her words to heart, and I had that talk with him. I am not angry, I am trying so hard to move on from the past little while. I really am trying my best and when I say I am okay...I REALLY AM OKAY. I think He knows this. I think He is going to let up for a little while. I feel good about that.
He is starting already...Memms potty trained herself last week (Okay...well I did help a little...) One day...no accidents to report. None. She is a trooper, an angel...and okay, let's be honest, part of the reason I bawled so much on Saturday...is because my baby is no longer a baby anymore...if I ask her such she retorts:
"I a BIG gewrl!"
On the bright side? I save $15 a week on diapers. Holla.