Saturday, September 27, 2008

Closure to the surface.

My emotions have been extremely close to the surface this past week. We received word on Saturday that the baby we had been hoping to adopt was born. I got a picture text from our friend J...the baby was beautiful. J told me she had chosen another family to place this sweet little spirit with. My heart could not have been more at peace. Even though I know with all of my heart this little life was not meant to come to our home, Saturday was a very rough day for me. I am thankful for our Father in Heaven and for his tender mercies on J's behalf. She was overdue by a few weeks (poor thing) but I also know that this was all part of Heavenly Father's plan for her, for her sweet daughter, for us, and for this adoptive couple...who is now a family. I pray for each of them. My heart has thought of nothing but them for the past few days.

I hadn't realized how much this entire situation over the last three months had affected me. After getting the picture text on Saturday at the workshop...I just couldn't focus, I couldn't breathe or think or act or move. I wanted nothing more than to run...run far far far away. I couldn't...I had spent so much freaking money on the workshop that I had to stay. As soon as the class was over for the day...I hopped in my car and the tears began to flow immediately and immensely. Because some of the details of this failed adoption are very sacred to my heart, I still do not want to share details, suffice it to say that knowing something is right, and that it is all part of Heavenly Father's plan...has not and does not make it any easier. I called one of my best friends and I bawled on the phone...the entire trip back to my little family vacationing in Midway. I was hysterical. I was SOBBING. I could not control myself. The feelings that my heart was experiencing were intense, extremely intense.

My heart thought of J...and of all that she was going through. My heart broke for her...for her loss, for her sacrifice...I longed to hug her...to tell her how much she is loved. I couldn't help but think of that sweet baby girl and how much we loved her...for two months...even now...how she was a part of our life for that time. How we planned for her, put a crib up for her, bought all the necessities for her...then my heart went to this new family that J created...this adoptive couple...who got to take home this beautiful baby to love and to hold. I have just been so full of so many, many things. Things I can't even begin to share.

The past week has been hard. I know that things have to look up soon. I had a nice long talk with my Father in Heaven. One of my really good friends told me one time, "Have you ever thought about telling Father in Heaven enough is enough and you just can't take anymore?" I had to laugh...but then...a few weeks later, I took her words to heart, and I had that talk with him. I am not angry, I am trying so hard to move on from the past little while. I really am trying my best and when I say I am okay...I REALLY AM OKAY. I think He knows this. I think He is going to let up for a little while. I feel good about that.

He is starting already...Memms potty trained herself last week (Okay...well I did help a little...) One day...no accidents to report. None. She is a trooper, an angel...and okay, let's be honest, part of the reason I bawled so much on Saturday...is because my baby is no longer a baby anymore...if I ask her such she retorts:

"I a BIG gewrl!"
On the bright side? I save $15 a week on diapers. Holla.

19 comments:

Arianne said...

Kim you are one amazing person. I love how you always look for the good in others. For that reason you will be blessed in your life.

also YEAH for potty training!!

Amy Marshall said...

You're so incredible! Thanks for being so inspirational...your post really affected me today! (in a good way)!

The Michiganders said...

So, so sorry.

Carlotta said...

Lady, I have nothing to say. I feel relief that she placed but not at your expense!

The Ashlee said...

Love ya!! You are a strong lady. I look at you in awe.

ec said...

yeah for memms!

my thoughts are with you, pretty lady.

Janay said...

You don't realize how much strength you give to other people. You are SO in my prayers. Thinking of you daily...

The Lilly's said...

My heart goes out to you and everything you've gone through. Thanks for the courage to share these things, they really help me put things into perspective.

me said...

Sending truck loads of hugs and kisses your way!!!

mrs. r said...

i cry with you, my friend.

Cassie said...

Emms potty trained? Lucky...

I love you lots and lots. I LOVED our visit tonight. Can't wait for Tuesday. Hugs!

Carrie said...

You are the epitome of the glass is half full!! I love you! I love and admire the courage and strenth you have Kim! I can't imagine what you've been going through but my heart feels and aches for you! I think about you and your little family all the time! I'm sending you lots and lots of hugs!

Yay for Memms!!!

Amy and Josh said...

It is so hard to see those little one's grow up into big girls. . . I hope Today is a better Day.

It makes me so sad to know that you had to go through all of this Kim. Many big Hugs. Love you.

Wendy said...

Is this the week we need to eat ice cream? Drop me a line and we'll be by!

Heather said...

Love you sweetheart!!

Miss Myra said...

September is a sensitive month. lots of tears for all.

Holly said...

I love you and I am sorry you are hurting so much right now. You are a lot more positive than anyone I've met - its amazing. On the brighter side - could you bring Memms over here to show Robbie a few tricks :-)

mommyoffour said...

Kim, it is hard for me to know what to say right now. I can't even imagine what you are going through and yet you always look at the bright side of things. I know this can't be easy and I know you have been mourning and yet, you seem so positive.

You are amazing Kim! Also, kudos to Memms! I am starting the potty training thing with the twins and am totally dragging my feet!

Amanda said...

There was a quote I got a little bit ago...."God doesn't give us what we can handle, He helps us handle what we are given."

There are days when I would LOVE to put the blame on Heavenly Father for all the trials I have been through, and sometimes I do, but then I remind myself that God is a merciful God, he loves us and the only reason I have the relationship I have with him today is becuase of the trials of my yesterdays.

HUGS TO YOU!!! I LOVE YA!!!