Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Jewels in the Crown




Help me out here.

My mind and heart are all consumed with the events that have transpired over the past 12 weeks of our lives. My life in particular, as this is my blog. (I just need to reference the fact that I have not been going through this alone...that Flavio, Joth and Emm are right here going through it all with me.)

I never thought in a million years that so much shiz could be piled onto someone in the short spance of 12 weeks. I recognize that it could be a heck of a lot worse, and by all means I am thankful that it is not worse...but in our little corner of the Universe, it is pretty crap-filled.

If you ever asked me would I have lost the chance to raise three little spirits in the short amount of time of three months...I would have laughed at you in the face. I would have said, "NEVER!" I would never have put myself in that position. How utterly naive I was. How utterly naive I am.

When I get dressed in the morning, I see that little infant car seat sitting on the floor...I think back to how it got there. When my friend asked to borrow it...then I never put it back in the garage because Peanut was coming...then I never put it back because a little baby girl was coming...it is still there, and I just don't know what to do with it now.

We haven't heard from Chelsia for over a week. Her due date is June 25. The story about this is long and exhausting. I have lived this once before. It is excruciating. I've never shed so many tears, I have zero answers. I don't even know what to tell the world about this. I wish I even knew what to tell myself.

My husband and I are to this point that we are "DONE" whatever the meaning of that is. Done with building our family. I guess that is what we are feeling. (This is uber personal...and we still have some leg work to do in regards to the final decision...but this is where we are leaning...) even though I think this could be good, it scares me to death.

The thought of never holding a new baby in the middle of the night...watching someone crawl for the first time, walk for the first time, find another binkie, wash another bottle, clean spit up off my dry clean skirt...those are hard things to potentially let go of. On the flip side, to devote all of my time, talents and energy on the two beautiful jewels I have been given...well that is a very appealing choice as well.

I've heard it all, "You guys are SO young...you shouldn't make this decision now." "You have plenty of time." "You'll get pregnant again." "You can always adopt another baby." "What about Foster Care?" I don't know. I know that I had this perfect idea of how I wanted my life to go...and I didn't think that it would be where I am right now.

I've learned a lot. I'm thankful for the two sparkling jewels shining in my crown right at this moment...and the one little beam of light watching over us from heaven...three's a good number right? I've done enough haven't I?

I wish I knew.


blair said...


dust and kam said...

Sheesh! Sometimes life is just crummy. I mean doesn't it know we have plans and dreams? Doesn't it know that it is stressful enough when life is perfect? Maybe it missed the Memo. Don't worry, I'm on that.


Carlotta said...

I love you friend! I have nothing to say to any of this because it is your personal journey. The choices that you and Flavio make are going to be what's best for you. Although hard it's what's best. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or what they think you should do. Feel what you feel express what you will. You are amazing and blessed you are!!!!
Your little beans are just beautiful in everyway! They have blessed my life with the little time I have known them, I am sure they are your Polar Star just as Flavio is.

Amy said...

I know that this is such a hard decision to make, but you're also in such a difficult spot right now. I simply can't believe all you're going through right now, and my heart aches for you daily. But, I know you're strong, smart, and amazing, and you have Christ on your side. Good luck Kimmie, in whatever decision you make! I think your family is just the cutest ever!

Arianne said...

I feel that I don't even have the best thing to say to you, or I don't want to say the wrong thing so I just want to tell you I LOVE YOU, please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do for you!!! As always your are in our thoughts and prayers!!

Heather said...

Your family is beautiful. No matter the shape or size. I'm aching for you, I'm so sorry you've had to endure these 12 weeks. I can only think that something great is in store for you as a reward.

Angela said...

You know I love that bottom line, these decisions are between you, your husband, and God. So while others may say rude and horrible things that make you feel like crap, your decision is just that, your decision.

We decided to have a vascectomy for my husband last summer. Then a month later found out I was having a hysterectomy. Our reasons are different than yours. I can't imagine your situation. I have severe depression that at one kid I was at where my mom was with five. She made it to 6 and went crazy. I figured 2 was good enough and I'll stop so I can raise my kids. Maybe we'll adopt but who knows.

I tell you this only to let you know that while different there are those that can empathize with the emotions of this. I wish you the best, and the spirit in your life as you go forward.

Andrea Lemon said...

You are an inspiring woman! You decisions will be the right decisions because that is what you will choose. And everything will turn out the way it is *supposed* to turn out.
Your family is in my thoughts ... especially with my little family starting to try for a baby. It always just makes me think.
I love you guys!

mommyoffour said...

I just have to say that you have such adorable little kids. Such sweethearts they are.

Like others have said, what you decide for your family will be the right decision. I am sorry you are struggling right now. I have been hoping for the best for you and want you to know you are in my prayers. Loves.

Amanda said...

First off...those are some great pictures. I love how "in love" your little ones are with each other. Secondly, you have to rememeber, whatever decision you and Flavio make is just that...YOUR DECISION. You know what is best for your family and whatever that decision is know that I will be there and love you.

Amy and Josh said...

Oh, Kim I am the verge of tears for you. I can't believe you helped me out last week amid all of your shiz?? I am so grateful for you:)
I can't thank you enough for what you did. Your kids are so sweet-and that little Jothan is one of a kind, so is Emm. Love you.

Samantha said...

Oh, Kim! I wish there was something I could do to level out this roller coaster you have been riding. You already know what an amazingly strong woman I think you are. We all watch in awe as you weather this storm. My prayer are with you. You'll find your answer.

Marrdy said...

I do not know you and cannot imagaine what pain you are in right now, but I do understand some of your feelings. I was in your position about 25 years ago. Ready to be a first time mom and then to have that ripped away from me. I wish I could give you a hug, cry along with you and tell you everything will be alright..and someday it may be...but it will take time, love and patience. You are strong and with your family you will make it.

Wendy said...

Don't you sometimes wish that Heavenly Father would explain why we need to go through the things that we do in life. I think it's always right as I am to my breaking point, when I think I can't go on that Heavenly Father finally sends an answer. Life is hard, and it sucks, but you have made so much good come out of all the shiz that you have gone through.

ec said...

it sucks not having all the answers.

i'm thinking of you, kim. my heart hurts for ya...take care of you and yours.

those pictures are adorable. love, love, love the last one.

Cassie said...

I love you.

Carrie said...

Oh Kim. First off, I have to say- those two kids of yours are such BEAUTIFUL jewels! Just perfect! They are so lucky to have you as a mommy!

I love you! I'm so sorry! I hope your family will be able to find some peace soon. You are in my prayers and I am always here for anything!

Fostervision said...

Kim, such big hugs to you and your family! Dan and I are going through are own pile of poops over if we are done or not also, with guilt and relief on both decisions, based on the question"how long can we put our girls and ourselves thru this?" The answer is different for everyone, and we can't even figure it out for us, so can't give advice for anyone else, but I can give a hug and say I am SO SORRY for the roller coaster you are on right now.

Marc and Megan said...

I'm so sorry that you've had to face such heart-wrenching experiences all at once. Many good thoughts and prayers being sent your way.

Adri said...

You do have a beautiful family. Sometimes life is hard and we have to try and find the good wherever we can just to survive. Look at all of the people that love you and your family. You are an amazing person and I love you too!

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

I don't know you, and honestly couldn't even tell you how I came across your blog...But I found myself laughing, and then came to this post...and started to cry.

You are incredible!!

I became a birthmother to a beautiful baby girl 12 years ago. Adoption is hard on both sides, but my heart has always ached for adoptive parents. For me my decision to place my little one was easy. I knew I wasn't ready, and she deserved better. I have never regretted my decision, and wish it was only this easy for other birthmothers so adoptive parents didn't have to be on the roller coaster! I'm sorry from the deepest part of my soul! I truly do feel for you.

I wish you luck. I'll say a little prayer for your family. Big decisions are hard. Thank you for letting me "blog browse" you! =)

Evonne Sell

Trinbean said...

I just love these pictures of your two "JEWELS" especially the last one. They are two sweet blessings!!!! They make be smile!!!!

marci helen said...

sorry kim...i don't know what to say. i pray it can only go up from here!

Holly said...

It is very personal, like you said. Only you and Flavio can know when you're done...and it doesn't have to be a permanent decision. You can say "no" for now and maybe in 5 years something will change completely and then..maybe not. Maybe its best to just call it a "break" from growing the family....a leave of absence that may become permanent....then you can just let go of the pressure to make a "final" decision.

moosh in indy. said...

I'll come over and barf on your dry clean only skirt if you'll come out here and cry in the middle of the night for your woobie.
We need a vacation.

mrs. r said...

love the photos.

love that i know that your decision will change a billion times on this topic.

as far as the baby coming on the 25th. i hope she still does. if not ...you know how pissed i am about it.

i love you.

i love our yard sale.

but mostly i love you.


Lace said...

My mom has a saying on her fridge "everything is okay in the end... if it's not okay, it's not the end." Don't know if that helps but to me it's comforting to know that in the end everything WILL work out for the good... it's just the getting there that's hard.

I'm sure whatever road you take things will work out for the best in the end. How could they not with these two beautiful little ones and Flavio right there with you.

btw-these pictures are gorgeous! I love them!

Happy everything said...

You sounds really said Kim, but don't. Jothan and Emmaree are your jewels like you said. Call me anytime. I love you gyus.

Ron and Jessica said...

Ready to get those 4-wheelers huh? I'm with ya. Might as well have 4-wheel drive to get us thru this bumpy road.
We love you & pray for you!

Shannon said...

I wish I had all the answers. Being someone who is looking for a few anwers myself, I tend to look around every corner for them. My thought is though, I will find them when the time is right as long as I am looking in the right places. The curveball that people get thrown in life isn't fair though. I do want you to know that fair or not you have a TON of people praying for you because they love you. That helps! I know it does! Hang in there! I will be one of those people on the sidelines cheering you on!

Erin said...

Thank you so much for your comment on my blog.
I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and I hope you find comfort and peace.
I'll be thinking of you and your family.

sara said...

Hi Kim, I'm a friend of Shannas, and couldn't read this post without leaving a comment (hope you don't mind a little blog stalking!). I know, at least in part, what you are going through. It sucks. I really, really hope it works out for you... You'll be in my prayers, I know how much prayers are needed! Love, Sara