Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Difficult | A Self Portrait Assignment


This morning I board a plane that will fly me to a beautiful place. A place I have wanted to visit for the past few years of my life. This trip was last minute and kind of just fell into my lap as an answer to prayers, and desperation. I owe a huge thank you to Casey, and mostly to Shelley, and of course a thank you to Today's Mama for making this all possible. I feel so blessed to be able to fly to North Carolina to The Outerbanks to attend the Click Blogger Retreat.

As part of this retreat/conference MeRa Koh asked us to take portraits of ourselves.

This. Was. Hard.

It was at times, horrific.

It was extremely painful.

This is what I ended up with:

 photo SelfPortrait8x10_zps7be56aae.jpg

So many emotions flooded through me as I took photos of myself. I took smiling ones, laughing ones, serious ones, and it came down to this one. Somewhat sad, and pain-filled.

I hate that I am still sad and full of pain at times. It is something I try so hard to push back and not let eat away at me, but that part of me is so very real, and gnawing all at once. Some days this pain keeps me in my bed, or on the couch hiding under a blanket, because I am anxious that it is winning.

Currently it stems from the last two and a half horrible years of struggle and triumph. Some of it comes from a deep desire to continue on a path that I cannot go down alone, a path that both frustrates me and angers me and eats away at me almost every single day of my life.

Sometimes I wonder what it is like to live without extreme marriage difficulties, or depression, or anxiety. Sometimes I wonder how I would feel with a different life. It is, of course, always easier to see the grass greener on the other side, but then again, sometimes I get sick of throwing the horse shit onto my grass hoping it is going to get greener eventually. Guess what? Shit stinks. I am knee deep in it, and that is rough.

What if I never had to feel the pain of losing a pregnancy?
Or a child I was a foster mother to?
What if my marriage never tipped the scale toward a divorce?
What if I had an amazing metabolism?
What if my husband wanted another child as much as I desperately want one each and every single day of my life?

I know, I know I should be over all of it, some days I am just not. The emotions that were brought up while taking this photo were amazingly difficult. The emotions are not all bad though. They are cleansing and I am working my way through them. Slowly.

Thanks MeRa Koh.

I think.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kim,
I don't want to say anything to minimize your emotions in any way. they are real, anxiety is real, depression is very real and so are struggles in relationships. I admire your ability to be so raw with your heart. I can only imagine it allows you to process and heal even a portion of your heart.
I hold it in, I use to share, now I don't. I'm afraid people will run away if they really knew how I was feeling. I'm so blessed yet it seems as though every other day I find myself wishing I was dead. I find myself wishing I wasn't me. I find myself wishing I didn't have a heart because it means I get stepped on and then have to SCRAP myself up off the floor over several days. I have a lot of shame. it's my worst enemy. it's hard to be an emotionally passionate person AND it makes life SOOOOO amazing during those moments of light.
you have a heart of gold Kim, you have gifts and talents that you are using to beautify this world with. you're being raw with your emotions which allows others to tap into there hearts and learn from and gain hope.
I haven't had anything to do with the church for like 3 years or more. a co-worker of mine suggested I listen to elder Holland's talk. I don't know if you've had a chance to. it's sensational, it tapped into my spirit and spoke to me. his words were real and give hope.
I'm not sure if I've made any sense. I wanted to say that I understand all too well the pain you describe although for very different reasons. thank you for sharing your heart.

SAMinJapan said...

AS always, you have once again shown what a wonderful and beautiful woman you are and continue to be! Have faith in yourself. You have weathered many a storm and survived each (though I'm sure at times you have felt that you never would) and these have made you into an even more amazing woman. Though I have't seen you in years (briefly when your eldest was a mere toddler) I still see glimpses of that young carefree Kim that I got to know and love.

Cheyenne and Seth and Co. said...

I love you. So much.

gina@parentfinder said...

If you had not been through or going through all of these horrible and extremely difficult things... you would not be the amazing and crazy beautiful person you are in this photo. It is breath taking! You are not alone in your trials. I and many others adore you. Put your Goddess crown on today and hang on. Much love, hope and happiness is always around the next bend.

House of Smiths said...

You are amazing.
Enjoy yourself. Try to relax and heal a little. You deserve it. ❤️❤️❤️

Vanessa Brown said...

Love you Kim

Emily said...

I love this because through it all I can sense your strength, your bravery and your faith. And I think it's beautiful--just like you.

Arianne said...

I love you Kim!!!! I hope you have a fabulous WELL deserved trip!!! Enjoy your alone time!!

Arianne said...

I hope you enjoy this MUCH needed trip! You are amazing Kim inside and out! Love you much!

Sell...Party Of 5 said...

You are a beautiful person. It is true a photo can speak thousands unspoken words, and I love this photo of you.

Have fun on your retreat.

Sharon said...

Who says you should be over it all? What you have been through and are going through would break even the toughest of spirits and I for one think you are doing amazing wonderful things. You are stronger than you know, if you weren't, you wouldn't have made it this far. Enjoy your week and I hope and pray it is exactly what your spirit needs. I love you!

Sharon said...

Who says you should be over it all? What you have been through and are going through would break even the toughest of spirits and I for one think you are doing amazing wonderful things. You are stronger than you know, if you weren't, you wouldn't have made it this far. Enjoy your week and I hope and pray it is exactly what your spirit needs. I love you!

Kim Orlandini said...

Anonymous,

YOU. ARE. LOVED. I have not listened to Elder Holland's talk yet, but I plan on doing so next week, when I can sit down and truly listen and feast on every word. Praying for you in your darkest hours.

xo

Kim