Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Gonad Punching and Therapy Installment 1

Photo by the beautiful Sharon Johnson

You know that voice inside your head, the one that tells you, "You're not good enough!"? The one that says, "Don't even try!" or "Why bother?" I hate that voice.

It seems like this voice has been my companion since I can remember. It started for no apparent reason when I was younger. It seemed as I got into my teenage years, it only got louder and louder. Now that I am approaching thirty, it seems like it is getting more and more muffled. Either that or I have tried to punch that voice in the gonads so many times, it is sounding like a twelve year old boy in puberty. It is probably a combination of the gonad punching along with the fact that I realize that I don't have to always follow the -rules- of the voice.

Guess what? I can!

I am seriously amazed at the person I have become in the past year. The past almost three years really. Three years ago I would never have stood up for myself in any arena. Not at the grocery store, not in my business practices, not at church. Today? I am the complete opposite. I no longer listen to that voice that tells me, "You can't say that!". I do say that and I am happier for it.

A couple of months ago I was at a church function. If any of you know me, you know that I say what I think. I wouldn't go as far as to say I don't have a filter unless of course maybe you were at church on Sunday when I got up to bear my testimony and I may or may not have said and I quote, "Although I am sure my husband wishes I would fulfill more of his needs." And that folks could have been and probably was taken out of context. I promise you that I did not mean to say it in that way. Anyway, I do have a filter, it is just sometimes it is dirty or I leave it at home...but at this particular function, I was being, well, just me. For some reason or another the conversation went a little random, and people began talking about, 'you're only as old as you feel' blah blah blah. I mentioned that I felt like I was still in junior high. This girl sitting next to me, stone faced, non-jokingly says to me, "It is because you act like you are in junior high." I am pretty sure I was suppose to take offence to that statement. Usually that voice inside my head would have said, "Shut up...she is right, you are immature, knock it off, you can't be that way." Instead, I laughed. I laughed hard. I realized in that moment that I would rather be happy, have my sense of humor, enjoy life and have everyone think I was immature rather than to be stuffy, 'perfect', or 30. This, along with many moments changed me.

I do wish, however, that I had the body of a teenager, a ninth grade teenager (maybe if she was an 'early bloomer') then I would have taken the comment to the extreme, jumped up on the table and partied like it was 1999.

I digress. We were talking about that voice that I punch in the gonads. Well this voice, he is responsible for all the years I was never late to class. All the years I didn't take time to just miss the school bus. All the years I just didn't even make dinner for my family because I couldn't be as good at it as 'so and so'. This voice is the reason I stayed in the back of the room and didn't participate in the group because 'I wouldn't have anything great to add'. The voice that made me think I wasn't skinny enough, or pretty enough to have the popular guys ask me out. This same voice was responsible for me making the first few years of my marriage to my husband living hell. That voice said things to me like, "He doesn't love you.", "He will cheat on you just like your dad did.", "He says he loves you now, but...". That voice ruined SO much for me. So much precious, precious time has been wasted by listening to him. He is responsible for my anxiety, my depression, my weight, for not ever getting my photography website up, for neglecting my family, my children, my husband, my LIFE.

Do you readers...do you have a voice like that? Have you given that voice a good gonad punch lately? I just slapped mine to the curb.

From now on it is just me, and the voice that says "You can!". The voice that tells me, "You are beautiful!", "You are smart.", "You are talented.", "You can do hard things.", "You are brave.", "You are loved.", "You can do it all." I like this voice. A LOT.


Emily said...

This post was simply perfect. I love a good gonad-punching girl, and you are my favorite. Way to act like you're in junior high! Perhaps you could teach me how to do that as well. I am far too grownup for my age (which is a good 6 years older than you).

Also, my voice is cheering right alongside your inner voice, except I'm saying, "You are real! You are sincere! You are kind! You are one hot mama...basically, you kick a**!"

The Lilly's said...

What a beautiful picture of you! It was great running into you the other day. You always amazed me as a young woman and you continue to amaze me as a grown (but still young at heart!)woman.

Mareefer said...

This post hit close to home. I really needed to read this today. Thanks Kim! I am so grateful to have a friend like you in my life.

Mary said...

Kimmie Sue, You are Are Amazing, Simply Amazing! I try to stay young too. Inside, I still feel 16, so I went out and bought a pair of 'sexy' platforms so that I could wear them out on a date night. They were expensive, and People may say that they are a 'little' young for me. But I don't care, it is all about how 'they' make me feel about myself, and how they influence me and I interact with my hubby. We are Lovable and Capable! We just need to keep repeating this mantra to our inner-self!

Vanessa said...

oh this was a good good post :)

-vanessa inevergrewup.net

Barb @ getupandplay said...

It's so true! Why do we even listen to that inner *bully, ever?? Way to kick yours to the curb. You are an incredible woman and I'm proud to know you.

*from Sarah Sample's "Every Time I Go"

Katie said...

I like the second voice a lot better too. That is the true voice sending messages from your loving Heavenly Father. YOUR FATHER! And your Father is so proud of you and loves you so much that He doesn't want to hear the criticism and negative talk towards you. That's His daughter and He wants to protect you! Just as you don't want anyone hurting your kids, He feels the same way.

The first voice is an impostor speaking words from Satan. Satan knows what a powerful leader and influence of good you can be so he is trying HARD to squash you and make sure that doesn't happen. He is losing the battle though because you are amazing and strong and beautiful. And no voice will ever change that!

Love you big time and can't wait to see you next week! You're fighting the good fight, keep it up!

Carly said...

hey kim! i've been a blog stalker for awhile now, an occasional commenter, and i hesitated to comment here but i just have to! i loved those pictures so much, you both look great! also i have to say i am also struggling with similar issues and in the last week i've heard something really awesome that is helping me so much... Our Father in Heaven made us imperfect for a reason, so we'd rely on Him. If we were perfect we'd have no need for our Savior or the Plan of Salvation. And that goes for physical imperfections as well.

So this last week I've really tried to put my weight-obsession (hey I've had 2 c-sections and can't seem to get the weight to come off!) to put it in the Lord's hands and say - Hey, I'm going to follow the Word of Wisdom. I'm going to be active. I'm going to eat the healthy food you've blessed us with and at the end of the day I'm going to be healthy and have energy to meet what I have coming up. And hopefully, I'll also become thinner and more happy with myself physically but even if I don't, I've done all that was asked of me and I know I'll be okay.

I don't know, it has just helped a lot. I also deal with depression so I know how advice is always "easier said than done" but... you CAN do it. :)

CaryManda said...

I, too, am a blog stalker. I look forward to your posts!
That picture of you and your hubs is absolutely perfect! I love it!
I wish I had one like that of me and my beloved smellbucket.

I loved this post. It really hit home for me.
Thank you for being so open and so honest.

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

I have given that slap to the curb, but lately I think I need to kick it to the curb. I have had a bad attitude. I will do better, and thanks for giving me the courage to do so.

Laura said...

It's good to be reminded that we are not alone. For some reason it helps to know that other people in the world struggle with the same things you do.

Miss Myra said...

love you kimmie....damn that voice. go fight win

Heather said...

Always so eloquent. Love it.

Heather said...

I have that voice and all too often I give in to it. I have been better lately, but still I cave more often than I wold want to. I hate it.

I think I need to give it a good kick in the nads-where are my steel toed boots?

mrs. m said...

Wow. You just hit the nail on the head for me. I'm currently in a convo with your etsy shop about making a piece to remind me that "I can." I'm glad that you are doing better-it gives me hope that my day will come too.

jsr photography said...

Thank you for sharing this! You are beautiful and inspirational.Truly.

I listen to that voice all too often...why?

I just found a quote today that made me think it's time for it to go :)

"You may have a fresh start at any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down." -Mary Pickford