Saturday, February 26, 2011


I am feeling a deep and painful sadness.
I am depressed.
I have been so for almost a week now.
It is profound.
It is heavy.
It is dark.
I wasn't expecting it.
It is making me feel like a failure.
In my marriage.
As a mother.
As a photographer.
As a blogger.
As a friend.
As a provider.
As a servant.
In every way.

I cried for a long, long time today.
In the closet.
While running down the road.
In the shower.
On the bathroom floor.

It hurts.
It is frightening.
It is all I can do to keep breathing.

I want to run away.
I want to be different.
I want to sleep all day.
I wish for the pain to be lessened.
I wish to feel myself again.

I hope this passes soon.


AlliSMiles said...

Oh, Kim. I love you. Hang in there!

Joshua said...

You are not alone. I cannot say that I know what you are feeling. But do know this: You are surrounded by a community of people who cares about you. I only know you as a super cool FINDer, and even with that I know that you are cared for and loved. I too hope this passes, but in the meantime, know that you are not alone and that the people in your life, even film obsessed acquaintances care about you!

Ashley said...

It's horribly selfish of me to say this but I'm very glad I'm not the only one who feels like this right this minute.

What helps is that I remind myself that this isn't who I am; it's my body being a punk. This isn't you, this is something you're going through.

Just keep breathing and remember Alma 36:20&21.


p.s. my word verification is 'asses' kid you not.

moosh in indy. said...

Oh honey, you know how I love a good shower cry. I am out here thinking about you, praying for you and wishing and hoping that I could do anything at all to help you, just as you have been there for me, I am here for you. 100%.

Chibi said...

You are not alone, and what you're feeling is completely normal in the the throes of depression. It *does* go away eventually. It can be hard to wait for it to go away, but I promise it does. If it lingers too long, please consider talking to a doctor (do what you feel is best for YOU).

Sending love and strength.

5d7d75a4-420a-11e0-a794-000bcdcb5194 said...

I'm not crying, I'm numb. All I want to do is sleep or lose myself in old tv shows. Food is the only thing that feels good, the only thing that motivates me to get out of bed.

It's bad.

This time, it's really bad.

I dont know if this helps, but you are not alone.

Sharon Johnson said...

Nothing much to say...I'm sobbing.
I love you.
Your words are amazing.
YOU are amazing.
Thank you
In and out.
Take it minute to minute if you have too.

sam {temptingmama} said...

I love you, Kim. Take care of you.

Always thinking of you, miss you terribly.


GottaBeKD said...

i don't know you but the moosh said you needed some love. you are soooo not alone. you are not. keep going. no rush. just steady breathing and the faith that this will end and you will feel like yourself again. know that :)

keep talking about it too. it's comforting for us as well to know others suffer. thanks for that.


designHER Momma said...

oh man, I have big heavy tears welled up in my eyes for you right now.

Currently, I'm in a similar place, and it sucks hard.

Praying for you, for me too.

Tara said...

I have never met you, but your words have spoken directly to my heart. Please know you are not alone. And you are so very much loved.
it 's hard.
it sucks.
but you can do hard things.


moosh in indy. said...

Someone on twitter wanted to comment anonymously but couldn't, so she asked me to tell you that you are not alone and that you are very very loved.

She's very very right.

Bri said...

I know how you feel; I've been there many many times.

It can get better. It DOES get better.

Hang in there; reach out for help, just like you are.

doithalfway said...

I saw a tweet that said you're sad and you need some love and you need to know you're not alone.

So . . . from someone you don't know . . .

HUGS - from another woman who knows exactly what you're going through. In fact, my depression took me by surprise this week too. You're not alone.

I hope that it passes soon.
Perhaps when winter's dregs melt off and spring blooms, hope will too.
You'll be in my prayers.

lauralambeth said...

Sometimes it feels nice to have a quiet space to just let it all out. Take your time, stay connected with others, and keep breathing. It will get better; this will melt away and you will remain.

lala said...

Thinking of you, Kim. Much love.

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

I love you.

I know how this feels. I know the dark place you speak is not fun. Please let me be here for you if you need me.

Marie Green said...

Love you Kimmy... hang in there.

Mary said...

Hey Babe, Just keep on, keepin on! You know that I have been there, and it is hell trying to pull out! Am's is experiancing the same thing... I will tell you the same thing that I told her this week. "Satan, don't kick no dead dogs!" You do good, and have much good to do in the world, therefore you are met with such great opposition. HANG ON, we love you<3

Barb @ getupandplay said...

You are full of worth and I am so sorry that you aren't feeling it right now. You deserve every happiness on earth and it is so rotten that you can't always feel that. Depression needs a good kick in the gonads. Please know you are loved, you are special, you are beautiful, you are talented, you are worthwhile. I pray this passes soon for you.

mandee said...

Sending all my love and hugs to you! You have so much support I hope you know that! :) You are amazing! Remember that! Change is worth it but very, very hard!

Heather said...

Honey, I am lifting you up right this very minute. I know this pain and it stinks that you know it too.


mrs. r said...

sending love.
and prayers.
and hugs.
and multi-grain muffins.

love you, friend.

Lindsey said...

Kim, I'm so sorry that this week and life have been rough. Sending lovely thoughts your way. You are strong and beautiful and giving. Just know that you are very loved and cared for. Sorry I haven't been around much :(


Sarah said...

You're not alone. I have been in the valley, too, and it is a scary and dark place. Don't be afraid to ask for help. I had post-partum and counseling and Lexapro were saving graces for me. I only took the meds for a few months but it lifted me up enough that I could deal with the issues beneath it all. It got me back to the place where I could love myself and feel worthy again. Don't be ashamed. You can feel good again. Sending love and hope to you tonight.

Amy said...

My heart aches for you. How I hate depression. Such an awful trial, for sure. I don't have much to say that could possibly help, but I hope things work out. Prayers for you!

Emily said...

Though you are a new friend, you are a very, very dear friend. Our spirits speak to each other, and right now mine is sending prayers, love, strength, love, support and more love to yours. Amidst the tears and sadness and darkness and frustration, you are still you--just a little lost for a moment. But you will find your way back because you are an amazing, strong, beautiful, sexy, wonderful, brave woman. And I love you.

katy said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Emily said...

I love you, Kim, and you are in my prayers.

Mrs. Case said...

gah! hate that you're suffering! all my love and prayers plus a BIG HUG from texas!

Josh and Anna said...

Sending lots of love and prayers your way:) XOXO

Holly said...

I've only ever felt this way after some of the worst events of my life (like divorce, death of a child, etc) and it kills me that you can feel this way over nothing more than chemistry being off. It makes me hurt for you. Thinking of you.

Erin said...

I haven't checked in for so long...and this post broke my heart.

I love reading about your kids and your husband and your goals. I'm sorry you're in this place right now, but I want to thank you for sharing it and being honest. It's so much easier to pretend everything's okay. You're very brave.

Love and prayers for you, friend.

Cory and Becca said...

I wish I could punch that nagging depression in the face for you :(