Monday, May 23, 2011

"You've got every right, to a beautiful life..."

-Selena Gomez

Nikon F100, 50mm 1.4 at 1.4, Kodak Portra 400 Film (Ditto to the photo below.)

I think I am ready. Even as I type this I am not so sure if I truly am ready, or just think I am.

Maybe baby steps are the best way to go. If I have learned anything in the last two months, it is that I do have the right to a beautiful life, and I can tell you this, I have never worked harder at having one than I have in the past few weeks.

A little over two months ago (two months that seem like a few millennia) I got the news that felt like a sucker punch to my gut. I have had a really hard time knowing how to share the portions of the story that are my own, because I feel it is SO important for me to A: share, because that is who I am, that is how I sort through my feelings and I have never hidden anything in my life from this blog that I could in all honesty and legality share (unless it wasn't mine to share, and in that case I haven't) and B: share because I feel that it is so important for women in my similar situation to know that they are not alone, and that no one has a seemingly 'perfect life' but everyone can and should have a beautiful one, despite the trials and punches thrown at them.

I am not certain where this will go, or how many more posts will come of it, maybe none, maybe a million, only time will tell.

So, I will do my best to share my part, and the rest all I can ask is that the other person involved can understand and love me regardless as I work through my feelings for myself and for him.

Two months ago I got some news from my husband. He had made some choices that advertently affected his wife and his children. That is all I will say on the matter as to not defame him. He is hurting dearly for his choices and mistakes, as am I. Luckily our children have come through mostly unscathed with the exception of two weeks where my little boy cried so much. He could feel the tension and stress even though he knew nothing of what was happening between his parents.

These choices made by my husband resulted in a two week separation, during which we both decided we needed to work through these trials that had come our way. I was surprised to discover that there had been a disconnect on his part for three years. I can tell you that for the past year almost, I too had the same disconnect because I was tired of 'trying'. Tired of pushing for communication, for love, for friendship. The sum of our trials compounded until we finally crumbled.

I struggle with this because three years almost to the day is when we lost our baby. I know parts of me died when that baby died. Parts of me died dealing with it, but I thought I did the best that I knew how, and apparently it wasn't enough, and it caused my husband to shut down in regards to me, and for that I am so devastated. However, I am so disappointed that he didn't have the strength or the ability to communicate with me until it turned into a nightmare. You may remember my post from February entitled "Deep". This post was written at a very dark time in my life. A time when I felt from the depths of my soul that my marriage was in trouble. I can remember with exactness the heaping sobs as I lay in the hot shower trying to will the thoughts from my body, mind and spirit. "This can't be happening." I thought. "My marriage is in trouble, Heavenly Father please, please help me!" I had zero idea at this time that anything 'huge' had happened in my marriage...and yet it seems, my spirit felt it, and knew it. I am a very religious person and I can pinpoint, almost exactly to the day when the spirit left my home. There was a darkness and a complete lack of love in my home for a period of two months. It wasn't until early March I would discover why, and with that pain and anguish and sorrow, begin to try to rebuild what my husband and I had built up for ten years.

And we have.

It has been a long eight weeks. We are seeing a marriage counselor. So many people are praying for us, fasting for us, attending the temple for us, helping us, and they have zero idea why. All most people know is that I am hurting deeply, and I am.

I am on this constant roller coaster of emotions and honestly I pray for one day of reprieve. I want off, for at least a week. I want to feel normal, and loved completely, and adored and practically worshiped. None of which is happening at the moment...but it isn't for the lack of trying.

All I know is that this time in my life is demanding tremendous amounts of patience. Most of which I feel I lack on a daily basis.

My heart is with my family, with my children, with the person I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt was to be my friend, my companion, my love for eternity. I would like that to still be so. I hope he knows that, and can somehow feel the same way for me...that is my hope.

Still, I am on uncertain ground. It feels rocky, and unstable, and that frightens me. I feel very alone, and frightened. I cry a lot, sometimes I am not even sure why. I feel lots of anger. It is hard to have faith and hope when you feel angry and torn and bitter and when you are grieving. It is hard to feel positive when you lack in your spouse and in yourself to forgive and move forward.

That is all I can do for now...learn to love deeper, hold tighter, try harder, push more, dig deeper.

I have every right to a beautiful life, and one way or another I am going to find that life.

This I promise.


Emily said...

You have every right to the most beautiful life possible. I've said it before: you are stronger than you or any of us know, but your Heavenly Father knows. Trust me. I am amazed by you--your faith, your tenacity, your humility, your strength (did I already say you were strong?), your hope. While my heart aches for you, my soul tells me you will kick this trial's ass...and kick it hard. (I will help.) Love you to pieces...and then some.

kenna said...

i love you.

i wish i knew or had more to say.

but i love you, i am inspired by you, and you have my love and prayers in bulk.

Sara said...

Dearest Kim-
My heart and soul is with you tonight. You are such a strong, brave woman. I have been where you are. You are going to make it. I usually dont pray but darlin', I will pray for you tonight.
We are so alike in many ways. I am trying to get over something big and have been an emotional basketcase too. I know we are not the closest friends but you are still my friend. I am here for you should you ever need a shoulder or lunch and a understand ear to talk too.
Much love- Sara

Shaw Family said...

Kim, my heart breaks that you are dealing with emotions and trials such as this. You are truly an amazing woman. You have inspired me without even really knowing me. You have loved me, helped me, and taught me without knowing it. My prayers are with you, your children, and your husband. Do not loose faith, you are strong! I love you!

Melody said...

I don't have much to say, you said it all too beautifully. All I can say is that I truly feel your hurt and anguish. I want you to know that I commend you for writing your thoughts, as I am sure it help you find peace. You have always been an inspiration to me. And I am grateful for your ongoing support and love through my trials. I just hope I can be the same for you when you need it most. I assure you, that around the corner, maybe eveb a few corners, though it's hard, there is hope hiding, and you will look back and be amazed at what has become your beautiful life.

Tara said...

Huge, huge, HUGE HUGS!!! You are so amazingly beautiful and strong. Prayers for you dear friend. There are many things I wish I could say, but I have them juries so deep; that I can't. You can get through this. I know it. Prayers, and hugs. You deserve the very best in life!! Love you!!

wendy said...

You are a very brave girl. And with your exceptional bravery and openness you will get all you wish. Here's a saying that has helped me, a broken heart has a crack to let the light in. Ive been in your shoes and his shoes. Two different situations. Two marriages. Never as brave as you. It passes. I promise. You will have your beautiful life. Just look at your son. You already have it. Love, Wendy

vanessa said...

I feel so relieved for you that you LET IT OUT.

Candise said...

I admire your courage, bravery, and willingness to face a challenge head on...even if you do so in tears!

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I'm so glad to realize what you deserve; your life WILL be beautiful.

YOU are beautiful!

I hope today is full of smiles.

Love you.

Aileen said...

You are braver than you believe,
stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh.

I wish I were there to give you a HUGE hug.

I wish I had even half of your bravery, insight, strength, dedication, love, forgiveness, and yes, more strength. xoxo

amy said...

You are amazing and have every right to a beautiful life. I hope and pray that all things work out and that you do have all that you hope for.

Marriage is really hard - even when it is wonderful. It sounds like the two of you are doing what it takes and you will be in my prayers.

D'Arcy said...


I know I don't know you in person yet, but I want you to know that I have a home that is safe and open to you. I want you to know I am a fantastic babysitter. I want you to know I make the most delicious non-guilt cookies, that my listening ear lasts a long time and that I would love, love, love to be here for you in any and all capacities that I can be.


gina @ Birth Mother Baskets said...

I adore and worship you! You're in my prayers.

Melinda said...

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I truly hope that everything works out so you can be the happiest person possible. You definitely deserve it!!

~j. said...

Guess what.
I love you.
That's what.

Kristina P. said...

You are so strong. And hot! You just need to wear that slutty bustier more often! :)

Love you.

dust and kam said...

You are an amazing person. strong and beautiful.

sending my love and prayers. love you!

Anonymous said...

I recently read that while we can't be perfect, we can enjoy perfect moments. I thought of that as I read your claim to a beautiful life. We do deserve beauty, and it won't be perfect, but we can enjoy perfect moments.

Lots of love to you on this difficult path!

Rachel K said...

*tears.* so many of them. That's my reaction. *pain* If I feel that from reading this, I truly can't imagine your feelings. I'm praying for you! And sending my love.

mrs. r said...


LoveYaMissYa said...

I'm so sad that you have to continue to deal with all that life throws at you! You are STRONG, you've shown me that many times. I wish we were close so I could be there for you to lean on. I know you are being watched over as is your family. We will add our prayers to the many others and you will continue to survive and thrive. Always remember how amazing you are! Together you can beat this!

Amy said...

I'm over here crying for you. Dear friend, I'm so sorry. My heart feels like its in my stomach, I can only imagine how you feel. Do you need anything? Please, please can I help you with anything? You're the biggest support for anyone going through intense trials, and now you need it- Love, support, and a healthy dose of prayers in your behalf.

Thinking of you and your sweet family.

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

you my friend leave me speechless.

one day when I grow up, I wanna be like you.

until then, I will keep looking up to you.

Mandee said...

BIG hugs and lots of love to you, Kim. You're in my prayers. Love you so much!

Emily H. said...

I love you and am praying for you, Kim.

You've probably heard this before, but Elder Wirthlin said, "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

I pray your happy tears are not far off. They will come! Hugs from afar and best of luck plowing through this trying time. I love you!

Barb @ getupandplay said...

You most definitely deserve a beautiful and happy life. I am so proud of you for working so hard on regaining it. You are brave, you are a warrior. You will get through this.

Jami said...

kimmie, I feel for you in this dark and hard time of your life. God will be with you and remember he doesn't give us anything we can't handle. We need trials to learn and to grow. That is how our lives become beautiful. Remember to forgive everyone! Especially your husband. If you can do that, I promise you that you will be blessed with your beautiful life. Challenges and trials are for our own good.. I love you! Cousin Jonny! Call Me!

Erin said...

Oh Kim. I'm so sorry. I've never even met you but you've really touched my life. Your honesty, your transparency and humility have been such an inspiration to me.
Right now I'm remembering the story of him courting and courting and courting you. Maybe you two could read that post again.
You're in my prayers.

Quinn said...

Sweet, Kim, you are absolutely right: you do have every right to a beautiful life. Your courage is amazing. You have been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be. I love you dearly and am here for you. MUCH love to you and please don't hesitate to call me any time, day or night. xoxoxo

Natalie. said...

I LOVE YOU. You are such an inspiration to me right now. You ARE grace, and purity and capacity personified. And Kim, you.are.worthy and oh so very deserving of everything good and beautiful that love has to offer.

Anonymous said...

Finally someone has expressed how I've felt. My world changed eight months ago. Changed my view on love and marriage in every sense of the word. Faith leads to strength. Have hope and heal.

Little Miss Penny Wenny said...

Thank you for your inspiration and for being willing to share your journey with us. I am so proud of you for working through these issues. I know you'll make it.