Monday, May 16, 2011

Another Time


So, after my last post, when I thought I was ready to come back to the world of social media, when I thought I was so strong? Well, I wasn't so. I am on this roller coaster of emotion and I am not sure how I feel from one day to the next. I am sure I could figure out how many weeks and days it has been since my world turned upside down, but as more time passes, the easier it is for me to leave some of that pain behind.

Some moments I feel brave. Some moments I think I will share it all, get it all out in the open, tell it like it is, live in complete honesty...but then it is really hard to do that, especially when it involves so deeply someone you love and have admired, to have to share that maybe that person wasn't all you thought they were...or that something you did put you in the place you are in today. I feel I am getting braver, and maybe soon I will share more, but tonight, I am not so brave. Not as brave as I thought I was.

For now, I go back in time to what I thought would be the most painful thing I would endure (or at least I secretly hoped it would be the most painful thing in my life).

It has been three years. Three years ago on March 24, 2008.

Before my world recently turned into a living nightmare, I was getting ready to talk about how strong I have become and how much I have learned and grown over the past three years...and that the only thing I regret were two things:
A: Not being strong enough to see my baby, and B: Not at least asking for a photograph of the last ultrasound.

I was left with nothing but images in my mind and the constant wonder as to what life would have been like had we not lost this baby and had to have endured this trial.

All of that is beside the point now...all of it.

All of it seems almost meaningless.
Almost.

Still, I have tried not to forget this tiny life that almost was, and to still hope for an eternal family so that I can be with this spirit again. I am trying little baby. I truly am trying. Each day I am trying.

For now, that is all I can do.
For now the pain is lessened and replaced by new.
However, like then?

It is not without hope.

12 comments:

Barb @ getupandplay said...

Oh, Kim. I am so sorry that you are facing another heartbreaking trial. Whatever it is, please know you are loved by many people and being watched over by a loving Father in Heaven. I'm thinking about you.

Julie Carlile said...

Thank you for sharing this post Kim. I grieve Kambree's little twin all the time. Every time someone says they are pregnant with twins I envy them so much and miss our little guy so bad. I agree that it is hard to move on from it, I wish I could tell you how but I haven't figured that one out yet either. I love you, and hope we both get to hold our babies again some day.

Amy said...

I've never thought of it like that. You are a great mother to consider all your children like that. :)

I don't even know an ounce of your pain, but I just want to tell you I love you and am praying for you.

Emily said...

You have as much a way with words as you do with a camera. Beautiful. (And I love you.)

Holly said...

Hugs.

Holly said...

Hugs. You're stronger than you know.

The Snellie's said...

Love your blog. I have too lost a little one. And think of the eternal reunion.

Cecily R said...

Kim I'm so sorry you're struggling so much right now. I know we don't really know each other, but I AM close, so if you ever need anything (you know, from a stranger who wouldn't judge) that I can help with, I'm around.

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

You are stronger than you think you are. I am in awe of you. I am here if you need anything.

Camille said...

Beautifully written! I'm with Evonne - you are a strong woman! And even when you feel you can't do anymore, just rely on those around you who love you and are trying to hold you up! You're an amazing woman, KIM!

kenna said...

i ditto all the comments of strength. you are an amazing example to me adn to everyone who comes in contact with your blog, or you personally.

i love you and prayers come your way in bulk from the shumway house.

mrs. r said...

I love you.

And your nails looks incredible.

You amaze me.


XO