So, after my last post, when I thought I was ready to come back to the world of social media, when I thought I was so strong? Well, I wasn't so. I am on this roller coaster of emotion and I am not sure how I feel from one day to the next. I am sure I could figure out how many weeks and days it has been since my world turned upside down, but as more time passes, the easier it is for me to leave some of that pain behind.
Some moments I feel brave. Some moments I think I will share it all, get it all out in the open, tell it like it is, live in complete honesty...but then it is really hard to do that, especially when it involves so deeply someone you love and have admired, to have to share that maybe that person wasn't all you thought they were...or that something you did put you in the place you are in today. I feel I am getting braver, and maybe soon I will share more, but tonight, I am not so brave. Not as brave as I thought I was.
For now, I go back in time to what I thought would be the most painful thing I would endure (or at least I secretly hoped it would be the most painful thing in my life).
It has been three years. Three years ago on March 24, 2008.
Before my world recently turned into a living nightmare, I was getting ready to talk about how strong I have become and how much I have learned and grown over the past three years...and that the only thing I regret were two things:
A: Not being strong enough to see my baby, and B: Not at least asking for a photograph of the last ultrasound.
I was left with nothing but images in my mind and the constant wonder as to what life would have been like had we not lost this baby and had to have endured this trial.
All of that is beside the point now...all of it.
All of it seems almost meaningless.
Still, I have tried not to forget this tiny life that almost was, and to still hope for an eternal family so that I can be with this spirit again. I am trying little baby. I truly am trying. Each day I am trying.
For now, that is all I can do.
For now the pain is lessened and replaced by new.
However, like then?
It is not without hope.