Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Where is my 'heart'?

I think I lost it.

Somewhere between the painful year 2008 until now.

2 years is a really long time to not 'feel' anything.

I wish sometimes I could go back and not have to live through the pain. I wish I could have enjoyed a few things better, like my workshops, Hawaii, my family. March of 2008 was such a turning point for me. It is so emotional just talking about it. I met with a new friend today and all but bawled talking about how much has changed since then.

I wish I had known how to deal with my grief in a more positive way.
I got caught up in myself. SO selfish. I am not a selfish person. I hate selfish people. I have hated myself.
As much as my heart breaks for this family...she has helped me through SO much, more than I could ever tell her, and how thankful I am to know her IRL.
Thanks Nat.

The past four months have been a whirlwind.
I made the choice on December 30 that I would make the transition back to shooting film. I have made drastic changes in my life, saved a lot of money...and still in the process of doing so. By making these decisions I am finding my heart again.
My inner peace, my solace, myself.

I plan on sharing some stuff with you guys in the near future, stuff that I need to share and to account for so that I can continue to find my heart, my changed heart and try to mold it back into what it once was. Part of it has to deal with my weight. Another part my weaning off of my depression meds. 2 months strong and I am FEELING again. WOW. I will share the good and the bad with that.

I feel like I have been living under a sheet for two years. I am coming out of a fog, and I want to share my journey with you as I depart from the dense into the light.

Join me.

Until next time...


moosh in indy. said...


heart you so hard.

Carlotta said...

looking back when you have come out on top is always provides hindsight to what you just crawled through. give yourself a little more credit than you our. don't beat yourself up. all of us can always do better, what matters is that you did the best you knew how at that time. when you come out on top and can look back and say i "should" have done this or this differently, it is because you as a person havce grown and have learned something. pain, grief, loss, etc are never easy.
I have never met Natalie in person but I know when I do I will SQUEEZE her to bits. She has made quite an impact on me. She told me that adoption is like the story of Abraham and Issac, except there is no ram in the thicket. This has stuck with me and has been something that I have contemplated on a daily basis since she has shared it with me a few months ago. I think of Abraham and how he didn't complain the whole time he hiked up that mountain and how he didn't complain that he was asked to take his only son and sacrifice him. I have decided that, that story is so much like life. That we are all asked to climb our own mountains and make a sacrifice which feels like it is as monumental as sacrificing our only long awaited child, and then when we get to the top of the mountain, there is a ram in the thicket and that climb becomes worth it.
I hope that all makes sense. Give yourself credit for all that you accomplished in the last two years. Write a list out so that you can see how much you have done. Even though a majority of us via cyber may not know thouroughly what you have been through or experienced, what you have shared with us, has given us all insight into who you are and what kind of heart you have. Trust me, our situations are like black and white. But I can understand so much of what you just posted. I am glad that you were able to process with Natalie and work through some of those broken pieces of your heart. Take care lady.