Sunday, April 18, 2010

My Journey

Tonight. Shot on a Polaroid 600SE with Fuji FP-100c.

On a journey.

I was discussing with Loralee last night.
Sharing with her how I just told the world I went off of my depression medication after two years of being on it.
I haven't been up on blogs since Millz came home, so I was not aware that she too had gone off of hers. I was surprised to hear that so many people were not supportive of her doing so.

I support her.
I support anyone who is trying to do what is best for them and their family.
I have had a very SMALL handful of hurtful comments directed towards me
since I went off of my medication.
The very sad and hurtful thing is that only those closest to me knew I was weaning off of them, and knew the actual time that they were no longer a part of my routine.

Those comments hurt the most.
To those people, I lovingly and kindly say, you have never been in my shoes.
I am holding myself together quite well.
It is all for the better and I am better for it.
I am strong!

I have been off for 6 weeks.
I cannot tell you the difference I am feeling in my life. I
can cry again, I can feel emotions.

I will be honest, sometimes they are overwhelming, and I have to keep myself in check and talk myself down when emotions are high...but I am DOING it.
I am winning.
I feel like ME again.
I have missed me.

One of the big reasons I decided to wean off, was because my doctor and I decided it was time to try. Also, because I have been packing on weight like no other. A few weeks ago I weighed as much as I did when I was 9 months pregnant with Jothan (my heaviest weight.)
I weigh exactly five pounds less than that weight.


You are all smart. You can do the math. 200 pounds.
All I want to do lately is hide.
I don't like going out, and we are having family photographs tomorrow, and I could just cry.

BUT, since going off of my medication, and feeling again, I have more control (believe it or not.) In the last 3 healthy weeks (cuz I was a sickie)
I have lost 7 lbs.

So, why am I telling you all of this?
To help someone else out there who is going through the same thing I am.
I am starting a weight loss journey, and as hard as it is to put it out to you that I got myself to this point, I want you to see that I can get to where I need to be to be healthy again.

I have a plan.
I want you to join me on that plan if you are in the same place I am.
I want to be able to run without pain again.

Do you want to join me?
Publicly or privately I want you to make a plan and update weekly on your progress.

We can do this together.
I am even considering taking photos.
I may scare all of you away if I do that so I haven't decided for sure.
Would you like me to? Even if it is Biggest Loser honesty?

So, I am starting with my official weight being 193.
Let's get this party started.
I have a BIG reward for myself when I reach my goal weight of 140.
I will share that with you as we get closer to that weight.

Love you guys.
Thank you for loving me.
Watch me learn to love myself again.



Weight: 195
Neck: 14.5
Bust: 40.5
Bicep: 14
Waist: 41.5
Buttocks: 47
Thigh: 27
Calf: 15.25

Just remember you were warned.

**True Story**
As I changed into these workout clothes, J-dawg says to me:
"Mom, how come you are wearing those clothes?"
I proceed to tell him about how I want to lose weight and feel better about myself.
Emm says: "You are going to take pictures in that?"
Me: "Yes."
Emm: "That is going to be HIDEOUS!"

...and she is right.

I need motivation.

Here I am.

I freaking heart clothes.


Holly said...

It takes guts to go off meds, get on meds and talk about your weight. I know you can do great things and I'd love to help any way I can. You rock lady.

Brenda said...

Kim, I am with you!!! My meds have helped me pack on another 10 plus pounds...on top of the 20 plus I put on grieving Ashanti and before that the 40 pounds I gained from stress of failed placement, adoption scam and a few other major live stresses. I have also begun my journey back to me! I am glad I am not alone!
Sending Lots of Hugs!

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

I would love to see pics. I would love to join you, because you know I need to be 140 too! I haven't been that since my first year of marriage. Maybe if we try together you will inspire me to do great things.

Kristina P. said...

Kim, I think you need to do what is best for you. You consulted with a medical professional who knows you. Don't let anyone kick you down.

Thank you for sharing, my friend.

Shane, Meg, CJ, RJ, and AL said...

Haven't met you IRL, but I love you! Hugs through cyberspace! I lost a good deal of weight on and off in the last couple of years and am hoping to continue to drop down toward your same goal of 140. I am starting at about the same weight as you, too. Would love to join you! <3

P.S. Something that's really helped me when I go gung ho on eating well and exercising is online. They help you track everything and it makes me accountable to someone and I love it!

P.P.S. You always look gorgeous in your pics. Even if you aren't at the weight you want to be at, you have a beautiful face and your smile is gorgeous! The love you have for your peeps will come through and you will be radiant.

leisha said...

Kim, I just love you. I love how honest and open you always are. I am also trying to get my old self/body back and hopefully we can inspire each other to just keep going even though its hard. Love you lady.

Carlie and Trent & Co. said...

Thanks for sharing, Kim. I just wanted to let you know that I have always thought you were beautiful {still do} & never noticed your weight ever! Good luck with your journey! Please don't let others get you down . . . even though it is hard. You are awesome & I totally admire you!


AlliSMiles said...

Way to go, Kim. You rock my world, and mean people totally suck. I'm sorry people have been insensitive. I don't get it. Good luck! I support you.

Cassie said...

Love you Kimmie. I've been on the weight loss train since February. 171 was my top. I'm down to 163 and stuck! I hate it, but not giving up. Well... maybe cutting back... like pepsi... a little. I'm totally with you. Let's do this!

Ashley said...

Shame on people for being critical of you! Good for you for recognizing what is best for you and your family and having the guts to do it! My battle with depression has been long and hard. It's a very personal thing, and it hurts so much when people are ignorantly critical of choices that you're making.

Good luck! You're going to kick butt!

me said...

Your writing is always such a breath of fresh air. It's always real. I love that! XOXOXOXOXOXO

Jackie Norris said...

You are awesome, and you can do it!

Those pics are beautiful. You have such talent.

Julie Carlile said...

I am proud of you. :) I have never been on depression medication and luckily haven't felt the pain probably as bad as you have. It was very hard for me when I lost Kambree's twin but we got through it. I do know what it is like to gain a lot of weight. I gained 60 in my pregnancy and 10 of that was from Invitro. I feel blessed that I have lost all but 5 pounds. But those last 5 pounds are killing me! I want to have them gone before we do another round of Invitro, so I would love to keep you posted on how I am doing. I think it is great that you are going off your meds. Just know your Father in Heaven can help you through the rough days and help you to find yourself again. I love you Kim. Talk to you soon. Julie

mrs. r said...

whaaa? people are saying mean things to you? whaaa? i haven't heard this. you gotta do what you gotta do for you and your fam. i have noticed a difference in you--more able and willing to emote. ahhh, kimmie. your tender heart. i love you.

please tell me that your new weight loss plan will still include eating those cupcakes you won last night. you and leish are the luckiest people i know right now!

mrs. r said...

i also want to add, please take it slow! i worry about you. remember your revelation, "don't run faster than you have strength."


prayers for you.
every night.

Camille said...

Ever since joining the blogging "community", I'm learning one thing - that there are people who speak before they think! And they should just keep their mouth shut!
You need to make the decision which are best for you and your family! And it sounds like you're on the right path. You have so many friends and people who love you and admire you (me! for one) and let that be your motivation if necessary. You can do it! Can't wait to hear about your progress!

Camille said...

That last comment was from me, by the way. :) I was logged in with my other Google account.

April Greener said...


I'm inspired by you! I want to join the weight loss group! My current weight is 12 pounds higher than when I had my last baby (2+ years ago!). Email me or let me know the details on my blog (that I never update) because I want to join the weight loss 'project.'


Jones - Keeping Up With M.O.M. said...

"Watch me learn to love myself again."

That is an inspiring ending to the post! I like it.

I support you! And also my goal weight is 140 too! Twinners! ;-) I'm thinking about vlogging/tracking my weight loss...maybe lol :-) Camera's are a lil scary!

Good luck with everything. Hope you achieve all your goals! xoxo

Manda Jane Clawson said...

You are awesome cute Kim! Don't let anyone tell you different! Good luck with everything :)

Ashley said...

I used to wonder if the weight gain was a covert attempt to keep you on the anti-depressants. The more I'd look at myself in the mirror, 50lbs later, the less I'd want to get off the meds.

I felt horrible on antis. I was on them the day I got married; my husband had tears in his eyes and I felt... nothing. This went on for two years. I hated it. When I talked about going off, I was told I was selfish and would ruin my husband's life and it would be better for everyone if I just didn't feel anything than put everyone through me coming off of them.

Luckily my husband supported me and once I was off finally, I felt *FREE!* Granted I'm still heavier than I'd like to be. But once the baby comes, I'm all onboard. I'd love to go back down to 145. I'm in if that's cool. I want to love myself and feel beautiful so that way my daughter doesn't think "I'm so FAT" is an appropriate response each time she looks in the mirror.

You're totally not alone. Hang in there.

Angela said...

I think sometimes we forget that meds don't have to be forever. Sometimes they need to be. But other times they do not. I finished the long process of getting off last fall and it has been wonderful. There are definitely adjustments but it is great for me.

Good luck!

Mrs. Case said...

i have respect for you on a level you will never know. you are amazing for posting these pics. all my love to you. i am on a journey, too.

Jen said...

You are so AMAZING to do this! I couldn't put on my blog my weight and even a picture good for you! I know that those meds can really put the weight on. Besides that why would anyone want to ALWAYS be on meds! Good for you. If you need to go back on then, then do it. What is right for you isn't right for everyone! Good luck

Holly Reed said...

I came back and saw the pictures and I have to say you are beautiful. I realize you don't feel like it but just so we don't lose all perspective and run off the rails I thought you should be reminded that in the grand scheme of things you are still one hot mamma. I'm totally "in" as well. My goal is to lose 35 pounds before the end of September.

Lillian said...

Go Kim!!! I am excited for you!

ls said...

um, i think i love you. i love your honesty and candor, i love that you are committed enough to yourself and your goal that you posted all your stats and pictures, and i love that you are doing what you feel is best for your body by weaning off your meds. you are inspiring and amazing, and i am there with ya. i had a baby 5 weeks ago (so i know i need to be patient with myself, but still...) and i tried on some clothes at target last week and when i caught a glimpse of my body in the full length mirror i thought the same thing: i heart clothes. thank you that i can cover all these bulges up with fabric :). here's to getting healthy!

marci said...

Mmkay so I've never commented on your blog before, but this post is inspiring to me...well cuz I've been on antis for at least 10 years now and BOY has my weight GAINED!!! I need this. I need someone to share their journey so I can start mine and not feel bad about it. I think you are this person. And this is the time. I'm not sure I will stop taking my meds (even though I know for a fact that they are the reason I constantly gain weight) cuz I know how I was without them and it's not a pretty sight - crying all the time. So maybe I will just decrease my meds by one pill eventually and try my hardest to lose the extra pounds, along with you. And I do want to see pictures. You may just inspire me to get completely real with my blogger crowd and post my own pics. And don't worry, I weigh more than you. :)

The Michiganders said...

Way to go! I have to share one of my favorite weight loss food tracking system--and it is free and super easy. Tracks calories in and exercise. I really love it--and yes, I really do sound like a commercial.

Check it out:

Sending positive energy and lots of motivation your way!

Cory and Becca said...

Way to go on your journey! You are inspiring!

Vanessa said...

Wow 140! Man I have not been that since...middle school?? I would love to do this but I am scared, there is no reason for me to have extra weight I didn't just have a baby!

Also you are beautiful beautiful beautiful! I was just thinking that the other night that she is so lucky!

You are the best.

-vanessa from

Terry and Bethany Green said...

I am sitting here all sweaty from working out myself and checking my nightly blogs. I have been struggling myself with pills and working out and loosing weight. I too have recently been weaned off antidepressants. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for more years than I would like to admit at this point. I only have half an ovary after my last surgery which about did me in but here I am writing this comment feeling so inspired by you and your courage and strength. We have started our adoption journey and I have started my journey of gaining myself back. It has been so easy to lose myself in all the fertility treatments the timed shots and all. the countless trips to the stupid doctor to have levels checked. The hundreds of pregnancy tests. And the millions of lost dreams. I am grabbing all that out of controlness and putting it an eternal time out. I am ready to live my life not by my cycle but for the very moment we are in. I would love nothing more than to venture this path with you. You are beautiful and right now in this moment you have put on your black cape or strechy pants whatever you want to refer to it as and are playing a super hero to countless women. who has come to save us. thank you with everything in me.

Olivia Singleton said...

You're beautiful inside and out. I wish someday I could wean off of my depression meds. I just truthfully think that's not in my future.


Amy and Josh said...

You are a Brave Beautiful Woman Kim . . . I am with you and supporting you!!
I have just set some of my own goals-not all physical, but a healthy heart is one of them with all the heart disease in my family.
I know you can do anything you put your mind to, You are so inspiring to so so so many woman!! You are Amazing! I love you and I believe in you:)

Jed and Kate said...

What a brave lady you are! You are already so incredibly inspiring to so many people! I totally admire your honesty, determination, and absolute courage. I am with you. I am totally with you. Let's do this!!!!

Allison said...

you are awesome.. and motivating. once i have my baby, I might be joining you! good luck :)

Sarah said...

brave woman. I have done the depression pill wean. thats hard.
I am currently trying to lose the baby fat. i have not looked in the mirror naked since delivering- i dont want to see this body with out clothes...i shed my clothes right be fore showering and dress in my bathroom so my husband cant see.... so youre brave. brave. brave. and im jealous of your strength.
go forward with your head held high - you rock.

Dusty and Amy said...

I too was inspired by this post. I am a virtual fitness coach and love helping people for free. go to my site: and click join then scroll down to free membership. Hook up with me and I can help you and send you free resources. you CAN do this!!! Anyone can join and yes, it really is free.

hugs and loves to you!

Brooke said...

I love your honestly, I love your braveness!!! YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION to me, a fatty. Thank you.

LoveYaMissYa said...

You are amazing! And sharing with the world like you do is helping so many others that makes you doubly amazing!!! I love you! Next time we are out we really do need to get together, it has been FAR too long!

Christal said...

You seriously rock ! I just love your honesty openness and bravery! You are going to win! because you have determination and you are awesome. Love it! I'm going to work harder too! You can do it!

Katy & Mike said...

I freaking LOVE YOU!! You are so AWESOME!! I don't want to be cheesy and cliched, but know that I mean this when I say, your body is BEAUTIFUL!! It gave you 3 amazing kids, and it is a great body!! I'm not discouraging you from your journey because I 100% believe in being as healthy as you can be, but just know that you look beautiful, and I respect you for sharing this picture and showing what real women look like. I too was a member of the 200lb club after having Sam, and I have been working my a*% off to lose the weight over the past year. Anyway, just couldn't not comment on this post. You are great! Good luck, and I'm right there with you girl!