"The day my life changed forever!!" "PAIN" and "Anguished"

All photos shot on a Nikon F100 with Kodak bw400cn Film

So, what I have hinted about is a daily photography project which I meant to start sharing back in March, and well, from March until now has been nothing less than pure hell and torture, and my sharing of my project got put on the back burner.

Last week I was finally able to look at the photos from the first few days of my life changing hell. They were titled with things like, "The day my life changed forever!!" and "PAIN" and "Anguished". I never before in my life had felt the feelings and emotions I was experiencing in those first hours and days of shock.

Sometimes in the past month I have felt like, "Wow, I can finally breathe, I can conquer this, I am strong, I can do what I need to do to get through this. I can forgive, I can be the person I know I am inside and this will all be worth it in the long run."

Then, I have tremendously dark days full of things like, "I deserve better than this. I am not strong. I am so very afraid. I am not sure I can be so forgiving. Why am I going through this? Why, out of everything I have already endured must I be enduring this trial? Why? Why? Why?"

The dark days are very selfish days. They are frightening days. They are days that I don't see myself in. I find it hard to know who I am on the dark days. I have referred to my life right now as a bitter roller coaster. One in which I am finding very little joy, and I love roller coasters. (The real kind.)

Being in a position that is so precarious as the one I am in, basically and honestly and truthfully facing a fork in a road of staying on the path of marriage or breaking off into a path of singularity is a frightening place to be. Both paths are rocky and muddy, and messy. Both are wrought with obstacles of pain and uncertainty. Right now I hate both paths. I don't hate many things, but this, this right now I hate.

It is hard to love someone so very completely, and not want to see them hurting, but it is also very hard to be hurting yourself. I have been reading a book that I will share more with you about later, but this book is amazing, and the insight contained therein is so helpful, and yet leaves me feeling like I need to read it every day of my life for the rest of my life in order to keep perspective.

Today is one of those days my perspective feels blurred.

I feel alone.

I feel really, really scared...

...and really, really alone.

Yearbook 2010

Where in the world has she been? You are possibly saying. The answer? A LOT. This week was so crazy busy, just trying to get a few things squared away as I have a HUGE personal photography project in the works. Not, quite ready to debut it, or share it, suffice it to say that it will end in a big party. I can't wait.

New years resolutions are a hard thing for me. I hate to even make them, knowing full well, I more than likely will not keep them. Sad isn't it? You know that old adage that if you write down a goal, it is more likely to become possible? Do any of you actually believe that? For me, I have to live that goal every single day of my life. I have to be slapped in the face with it over and over and over again until is it right there staring me in the face each day. This year, I have big plans. BIG. HUGE. Lots of them also. Being someone that suffers from depression, this is a huge undertaking. I have been hit with depression multiple times this week. It has been a constant struggle to literally talk myself out of the muck and get back on track each day.

I. am. doing. it. My goals that is. One week down, 51 more to go to reach my goals, and I am doing it. I am anxious for day 26 when supposedly things become habit. I would love for all of my things to become habit, and easier in the sense that it is going to be how I live my life. I await the day when I can add a few more things and ease my mind a bit instead of being super concerned that I am not achieving my hoped for goals each day. I am also hyper aware that if I am not perfect in this, that I cannot be allowed to berate myself, instead, I need to learn to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start over again the next day...anew.

These are the thoughts.

I'll share the goals throughout the next few weeks and months. I'll start with this one.

Yearbook 2010.

Editing ALL of my personal photos from 2010 by the end of January. Guess what? I am already to August. YEP. AUGUST. So, I hope to share a BUNCH of personal work in the next few weeks, and as I move into editing 2009 (I have given myself TWO months to do 2009) I will share those as well.

We'll start with January 2010. The month I made the commitment to start the process of switching back to film 100%. It began with shooting a few rolls of pure b&w film. (All the color images in this month are digital, except for 'yoga master'. Can you tell I did not even take the time to edit my digital nicely? I hate it that much.) Happy looking.

What are your goals for 2011, and what are you doing to achieve them? Ready? SHARE!