Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Beautiful words that touched my soul.



Shot on a Nikon F100, 50mm 1.4 at f/2.8 on Kodak Portra 400 Film

I woke up this morning feeling heavy. I made the choice not to get online the entire holiday weekend. This weekend was just for me, for my kids, for my husband. No outside noises or secret competitions. This was for us. We did not do anything grand or spectacular. Hubbs and I spent Saturday at a couples retreat. It was so nice to be with him, alone, together, getting to know one another again. Sunday was just like any other, and Labor Day was no different. Nothing spectacular, just quiet, thoughtful, togetherness.

I woke up this morning to all of the 'noise' again. Literally hundreds of emails to sift through, 50+ Facebook notifications, work. The stress was just so heavy. When this happens I cry. I feel the weight too much to carry and this is the time that I long for my life to be as it was. I miss my very best friend in the entire world. I miss the relationship I had with my husband where I could just run and cry on his shoulder and heave heavy sobs and ugly cries of pain to him because it all just seems too much to handle at this very moment in time. So, today, I cried alone. I sobbed over the dishes as I loaded them into the dishwasher. I cried into my baby's shoulder as she wanted me to, "Hold you, hold you, hold you!" I cried and I tried not to let my kids see.

This? Well, I will get through this. I always do. It will just take a day, and some deep breathes and life will carry on as it always does. The house will be messy tomorrow, I will have more work to do, I will still be trying with all of my being to find my best friend again, to break down every and all walls that need to be broken to be with him again. That journey will begin anew, but for now, I wallow. I cry. I hurt. I am pained. I am sad. I am feeling greatly alone, so alone that I was brought to my knees begging my Heavenly Father to "Please take this pain away from me for just this moment." You know, I have a great relationship with that guy. Almost immediately the thought came, "Go read that post going around on Facebook." To which I responded, "Of all the things going on right at this moment, the last thing I have time for is Facebook." Again the prompting, "Go and read." And I did. I read, and I cried, and felt a reprieve.

I encourage you to go and read as well: We Must See Past What it Seems...

Probably one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read in my life. This is what I needed. I needed it today, yesterday and tomorrow. I needed a sign around my neck that says, "I know you are hurting with everything you have going on in your life, and that it is hard. I am hurting too. Let's be gentle to one another. You are not alone, I am not alone, it will be easier if we can do this together." It would probably say a lot of other things as well and I would end up needing a wheelbarrow to carry the sign around because it would turn into a novel longer than Anna Karenina.

I feel stronger. I feel like I can now make it through the day and accomplish just a bit more than I thought I could when I woke up. I have already. I am not alone on this walk of sorrows, this thing we call life. I am being guided on my journey. I am being accompanied by so many people wearing similar signs and sorrows. Together we will find the joy. That is my hope anyway. From where I stand at the moment it seems so hard to believe and trust, yet I am taking the leap of faith in knowing that it is there.

Until then,
"Be gentle with me. I am doing my best."

16 comments:

Aileen said...

That picture up there? Go look. You're beautiful. Face the camera. YOU are beautiful. And ps, I hope you're knocking those walls down from one side while he's working on it from his side, b/c if only one of you (i.e YOU) is knocking them down, it takes a lot longer and in the end you find it wasn't really worth it to begin with. And sometimes facing that (like facing the camera) is the hardest thing to do. I love you. xo

Arianne said...

I read this quote today and it was perfect for ME, I hope it can help you too! Love you Kim! you are seriously an amazing woman!!!

"We are always going to have something that can make us sorrowful so we just need to remember all of the good things in life and smile through our tears. "

Leisha Mareth said...

I was on my knees in my bedroom closet last night pleading through tears a 3 word prayer over and over and over again... "please help me... please help me...please help me..." It is all I could muster the strength to ask for. I loved your post and the bravegirl post. It is what I needed.

kenna said...

i adore you.

yes, you can do this.

Mariana said...

loved the brave girls post, it's something I've been thinking about lately a lot, and this post allows me to share, so thank you a LOT for sharing. Beautiful picture & dress!!! just gotta turn your head slightly to the camera and give an "i-know-a-secret-and-you-don't" look & smile ;)
Hope things better for you over there.

big hugs,
mariana.

mrs. r said...

What Aileen said. Amen.

Love you.

Emily said...

Way to make my mascara run just before I head to Orlando. Where I should be heading is out west to see you. That photo? Stunning. Simply STUNNING. I love you.

Barb @ getupandplay said...

Beautiful.

Happy everything said...

Hi Kim, I love your dress, I love your picture, I love everything that you write in your blog, I love you, I admire your work and I definitely love to be your cousin (your Brazilian cousin(:. ) I understand these days because I am having these kind of days and really hurts. Be strong my beautiful cousin. The De la Cruz family love you.

leisha said...

You are seriously one of the most amazing people that I know. I love your gutts and hate that life has to be so hard sometimes. Love you.

DisabilityDiva said...

i am sorry you have so much difficulty right now its not fair for such an amazing person as you! LOVE you!!!

Amy and Josh said...

So true- to take the time to see past what it seems.
So sorry you are going through this Kim.

jyl johnson pattee said...

You're amazing, Kim!

Also, I love that post you referenced too. What an amazing message.

Hang in there!

xoxo

Christina said...

I love the Brave Girls Club. And I love the strength you're exhibiting through such a heavy burden. Keep going, Kim. You are one amazing woman. And doing your best? Well, your best is more than enough.

Camille said...

Kim - YOU are stunning, woman! And strong. And brave. And courageous. I wish I could take your pain away from you. You don't deserve that. Hang in there, woman. You amaze me every day!

Alli Easley said...

I saw that post and I am now just reading your post and guess what. You're amazing. And strong. ♥ you, oh my favorite internet-only-so-far-even-though-we-live-super-close-to-each-other friend.