Shot on a Nikon F100, 50mm 1.4 at f/2.8 on Kodak Portra 400 Film
I woke up this morning to all of the 'noise' again. Literally hundreds of emails to sift through, 50+ Facebook notifications, work. The stress was just so heavy. When this happens I cry. I feel the weight too much to carry and this is the time that I long for my life to be as it was. I miss my very best friend in the entire world. I miss the relationship I had with my husband where I could just run and cry on his shoulder and heave heavy sobs and ugly cries of pain to him because it all just seems too much to handle at this very moment in time. So, today, I cried alone. I sobbed over the dishes as I loaded them into the dishwasher. I cried into my baby's shoulder as she wanted me to, "Hold you, hold you, hold you!" I cried and I tried not to let my kids see.
This? Well, I will get through this. I always do. It will just take a day, and some deep breathes and life will carry on as it always does. The house will be messy tomorrow, I will have more work to do, I will still be trying with all of my being to find my best friend again, to break down every and all walls that need to be broken to be with him again. That journey will begin anew, but for now, I wallow. I cry. I hurt. I am pained. I am sad. I am feeling greatly alone, so alone that I was brought to my knees begging my Heavenly Father to "Please take this pain away from me for just this moment." You know, I have a great relationship with that guy. Almost immediately the thought came, "Go read that post going around on Facebook." To which I responded, "Of all the things going on right at this moment, the last thing I have time for is Facebook." Again the prompting, "Go and read." And I did. I read, and I cried, and felt a reprieve.
I encourage you to go and read as well: We Must See Past What it Seems...
Probably one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read in my life. This is what I needed. I needed it today, yesterday and tomorrow. I needed a sign around my neck that says, "I know you are hurting with everything you have going on in your life, and that it is hard. I am hurting too. Let's be gentle to one another. You are not alone, I am not alone, it will be easier if we can do this together." It would probably say a lot of other things as well and I would end up needing a wheelbarrow to carry the sign around because it would turn into a novel longer than Anna Karenina.
I feel stronger. I feel like I can now make it through the day and accomplish just a bit more than I thought I could when I woke up. I have already. I am not alone on this walk of sorrows, this thing we call life. I am being guided on my journey. I am being accompanied by so many people wearing similar signs and sorrows. Together we will find the joy. That is my hope anyway. From where I stand at the moment it seems so hard to believe and trust, yet I am taking the leap of faith in knowing that it is there.
Until then, "Be gentle with me. I am doing my best."