Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Trust




Shot on a Nikon F100, 50mm 1.4 lens at f/2.0 on Portra 400 Film .

Yesterday was rough, as in Grade A tear your heart out rough, as in I didn't sleep very well rough. I am struggling to rebuild trust. I find the building of trust extremely confusing. On one had, you have to have it. You have to. Even just a teeny tiny bit of it in order to continue on. On the other hand, it is so easily broken, you have to wonder where you draw the line. Do you allow the 'little' things that break trust to go by without completely falling to pieces? It seems at this stage in the game tiny, or huge, it is all the same and can so easily bring my world crashing down.

Yesterday this happened and a very deep line was drawn. It may seem like a really silly and insignificant thing which caused this line to be drawn, but to me, as I said, at this point nothing is small or silly or insignificant. My blood pressure rises just thinking about it. My heart pounds out of my chest and I begin to shake just thinking about it. This time, the breaking of trust came with an ultimatum. I have never given ultimatums, so having given one I am so deeply afraid.

There is a line now. A line that if crossed, it becomes a finish line.

All night long I thought about how I drew this line. I was so angry and hurt, and the only thing I was thinking at the moment was to hurt back. Words flew out of my mouth. I shook, my heart would not settle. For hours afterward my heart was still pounding. I sat in the car and said a silent prayer. "Please Father help me. I am not sure if this is right, or if I should have said what I said, but when is enough enough? I am not sure but please give me strength to make it through tonight. Please help my heart to settle because I honestly feel like I am going to die right here."

Peace. Immediate peace.

At least until I got home again...then the agony set in.

I don't want to be in the predicament I am in. I don't want to be living this hell that I am living through right now. I don't understand any of it. Not one single ounce of it, and yet I am just thrust into it, seemingly again and again and again, and you know what? I don't think I can take much more...which is why on hands and knees I dug that line so deeply yesterday. So, incredibly deep that if crossed, life as I know it, as my children know it, as my husband knows it, will never ever be the same. Ever.

I may be strong, but I am not that strong. I don't think my heart can take anymore, even if it is silly and little and insignificant. It is significant to me, and I guess I have to matter more than anyone right now. That sounds incredibly selfish, and it is, but so be it.

Trust.

I need more of it.

25 comments:

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

indeed you are. she is beautiful.

Leisha said...

Lady, I love you. Trust is important and nothing is insignificant when it matters to you. I love your gutts and am so truly heartbroken that you are going through this right now.

Arianne said...

(Hugs)

Sharon Johnson said...

I wish so badly I could take this from you, So badly, but I can't. HE can though, trust him if nothing else, give it all to him. I love you. Prayers from every ounce of my soul.

Sharon Johnson said...

I wish so badly I could take this from you, So badly, but I can't. HE can though, trust him if nothing else, give it all to him. I love you. Prayers from every ounce of my soul.

Tiffany Anderson said...

Kim. I admire your strength and courage. I think it is important to be selfish when it comes to certain matters. Your future and your children's future is at stake. I too have had my trust broken a few times (not as close to the same level as yours) and I know trust is crucial for any relationship to continue. Trust=love. And if the trust is continuously broken then so will be the heart. The little things DO matter!!! I love you and I want you to call me anytime you need to talk.

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

Well when I commented on this post it just had the title Lucky, and pictures...so now my comment doesn't make sense.

Aileen said...

She is so gorgeous. Stunning. Breathtakingly innocent, which I know makes your post all that more heartbreaking. Prayers for you and your children.

Emily said...

You matter. And you matter most right now. That peace may have only been fleeting, but it was there. You felt it, you knew it, you believed it. The line you've drawn...well, it sounds like it should've been drawn and in permanent marker as well. Lines are always scary, even scarier if/when crossed. But as terrifying as this hell is in which you're living, you will make it. You may have to crawl on hands and knees, but you WILL make it. And we will be cheering you on. I love you.

Carly said...

Oh how I understand these words ALL too well.
"I don't want to be in the predicament I am in. I don't want to be living this hell that I am living through right now. I don't understand any of it. Not one single ounce of it, and yet I am just thrust into it, seemingly again and again and again, and you know what? I don't think I can take much more"
I feel like you took the words out of my heart, my mind, my mouth and my soul. I understand that life is heard but when it gets to the point that these kinds of words are uttered, I have the thought that I wonder what's the point of all this? Unfortunately because I have uttered this words in a similar fashion my personal walls are up, they are thick, they are like titanium walls, yet at the same time, so many emotions are able to filter through more then ever. It's like I am able to feel the pain that people are expressing, I feel more patience and at the same time I don't, I want to solve the worlds problems, my heart aches more when others are hurting, I want to succor those that are in need but yet somehow I am not able to take care of myself because I am so fragile. The dialectics that life places before us are so utterly conflicting that you sometimes wonder if it the neurons in your brain that are miss firing.
I learned long ago that Forgiveness is HARD, but that forgiving doesn't mean that you have to give the robber the key to your house.
Having a heart like you do Kim is a glorious gift AND it is a painful one. It hurts to love so much AND it hurts to have to be the one to draw boundaries. I think that boundaries are one of the hardest things we have to learn in this life. I wish there was something I could do to take it away. I wish I could swoop you up and hold your hand as we cross to the other side of the bridge. You can do hard things, you have done hard things AND doing hard things SUCKS ROCKS! You have risen from the ashes before and you will rise from these ashes as well.
I know it's been forever, but please let me know if there is anything I can do.
Lots of Love,
Carly

gina @ Birth Mother Baskets said...

My Dear Friend, you are neither small nor insignificant and have strength beyond your knowledge. I pray for you and think of you daily. be selfish, be at peace and know God will lead you down the path that has already been dug out for you. I am proud of your line :)

JaNean said...

I wish I could take this hurt and pain away for you. I'm always here for you if you need to have a good cry.
(((hugs)))

Ashley said...

You are a joy, a blessing and gift. Nothing less.

Savannah said...

I once heard that trust is like a house. It takes lots of time to build. But when that house catches on fire, it only takes seconds to destroy.

Trust is a pretty important thing to me too. My heart hurts for you. Sending prayers it gets better.

Emily said...

I love you, Kim. You are in my prayers. I wish there were words to make things better-- I would give them to you. I know that you are stronger than you think you are and you will get through this.

Becky Rose said...

It is 100% OK to put yourself first. It may seem to be selfish. However, it does not mean not considering others or taking the last crust of bread from your children. It does men that you must love and respect yourself first before you can, with healthy balance give of yourself to others in the most effective way.

from the book "pattern changing, for abused women."

Hillary said...

So sorry for what you're experiencing. But you don't need to apologize for expecting, even demanding, full honesty, fidelity, openness, truthfulness, and integrity in even the smallest of things. I think that being open, honest, and faithful in even the tiniest of matters form the building blocks of larger, overall trust. When your "trust wall" has been shattered like it has, how can you rebuild it when the bricks you need to rebuild it with keep crumbling in your hands?

Thinking of you and keeping your sweet family in my prayers.

kenna said...

this is such an honest post.

i love you. to the moon and back a million times.

Jessica Kettle said...

Oh Kim! This post broke my heart. I'm so sorry for everying you're dealing with and that your trust was betrayed. You are one seriously STRONG woman and I admire you. Xoxoxo

DisabilityDiva said...

LOVE you I am sad you have to go through this!! You will cross that finish line and rise from these ashes deep prayers and hugs from every fiber of my soul

Amy and Josh said...

You can only bend so far before you break. You have every right to draw a line when it comes to trust after that trust has been broken.

oh Kim-I wish many things for you and You are in my heart.

mandee said...

everything is based on trust...lines have to be drawn in different circumstances...it really sucks when other people's choices affect you so, so, so much! We are praying for you and your family...from our heart to yours. :)

Melody said...

Only YOU can decide how much you can take. Your Heavenly Father doesn't want you to be miserable. He wants you to do what is best for you, and your children. There is only so much all you can give. And only you can know, and find the peace that comes when you have done your best, given your all, and nothing more can be done. My sweet friend, I love you! You amaze me. Please if you need to talk, having been in your shoes, I will gladly be there for you, heaven knows you have been there for me.

Anonymous said...

Stumbled upon your blog. My heart hurts for you. As I do not know your circumstances I do know of a similar pain. How crippling this pain is. I know that the one person you can completely turn to for healing, comfort, peace, learning to forgive those who have betrayed you to the deepest levels and then begin to trust again is christ. I know that I could not begin to build trust or forgiveness without Christ. Something that my heart was hardened towards while enduring each and every battle. I just wanted it to go away I didnt know how Christ could really help when I was being hurt over and over, trust broken over and over. I know of this pain of trying to do everything in my power to keep my family together while every ounce of trust broken to pieces. Have you thought of the lds church 12 step program. Not only for addiction but for other things such as broken trust and pain. If not only to be with other women who have been through similar pain and lost all trust in their husbands. I can testifiy that healing can slowly be achieved through Christ and that heavenly father knows us personally. I know that as women for us to heal we also need to talk about it. I pray that you will find a path of healing and people who can help you through this.

s + b said...

love you, kim. know that there are many, many people who admire you.