Friday, October 15, 2010

Hitting a wall.

Photo completely unrelated to post, and old, and digital. This is what you get when I post from my husband's new laptop, er uh, my new laptop, which I wish was mine, but isn't really.

I am going to use the term 'hitting -a- wall' instead of 'hitting -the- wall'. It has nothing to do with running either.

This week was rough. I have had myself together for the past month. I have been on top of my motherly and wifely duties for so long, and then WHAM this week hit me like a ton of bricks.

It started last week when that effer Aunt F was in town, she forced all sorts of brownies down my throat and convinced me that if I went running and worked out I would feel even worse than I already did, so I stayed put, working around the house, working on sessions etc.

This week found us a one car family. Well, sort of, first we were a no car family, (long story) we were using a borrowed car that started SMOKING on us Wednesday. We got our car back in time for the busiest weeks of my life to hit. So, between no cars, trading cars, entertaining out of town guests, boutiques, sessions, editing, laundry, dishes, (or not being home to do laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping etc.), a surprise party for my brother who is leaving for the army and has me in tears, and generally being OFF my schedule, I hit a wall tonight.

I got a migraine through the roof. I am so tired from averaging 4 hours of sleep this entire week, and yet, here I am, scheduled to wake in 6 hours and I am not sleeping. I needed writing therapy, for, even my blog has suffered damages from this week.

Deep. Breaths.

This week will not control me. This week will not tear me down, I will overcome and get back on my routine.

In other news and completely unrelated, but not:

Did you know I need to lose almost an entire person's worth of weight from my body? More than my almost 7 year old weighs?

Did you know my -biological- father told me that I was perhaps a wee bit fat tonight? Did you know that that made me cry in my migraine ridden state?

Then I somehow had to drive an hour home in with my migraine, fighting back the choking sobs that I am still fighting back. *frowny face*.

SO over today. As in over.

Gonna jump over this effing wall and move on...

Join me.


kenna said...

you jump that effing wall.

it's got NOTHING on you.

i love you, woman. a lot.

Mareefer said...

Geez... as if we didn't already know your dad was a douche... and you are perfect just the way you are. I know it is your goal to loose weight, but you cant let it run your life. Being overweight is not enough of a reason to feel guilty or be unhappy.


Emily said...

You are beautiful and I love you. I hope today is a million times better! You deserve it.

mrs. r said...

i have real problems with the parents of my best friends telling them that they are fat.

real problems.


come over and get some grandma gee gee parental loves. she would NEVER say something like that to you.


i am pissed.

but i love you and i am proud of you for all the efforts you make from running and working out to not eating all the treats that i seem to be addicted to to inspiring people like me to get my booty out of bed in the morning and run. i am SO proud of you ...which is what a parent SHOULD be saying to you.


Melinda said...

I feel for you! I hate the uncontrollable crying moments of depression. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Let me know if there is anything I can do for a listener, bring you some "feel good" food, or come play with your kids for awhile if you need a break. I hope this next week is a million times better!!

moosh in indy. said...

My favorite person taught me this.

And it has saved me more than once.

Cassie said...

Oh Kimmie... I'm sorry. High jump that damn wall and when you get to the other side blow it up and tell it to suck it. And perhaps tell some other people to suck it too. Or I can do it for you. Butt holes. I love you.

Barb @ getupandplay said...

That IS a douchey thing to say. You are very lovely- such a generous person and beautiful to boot. I hope that you can jump over the wall and have a better week next week. You are amazing.

Katie said...

I say let's take that "dad" (the term being used VERY loosely) and throw him over said wall!

Not cool of him to say that (and not true). Not cool at all.

Sending hopes of a better week ahead!

Mareefer said...

I re~read my comment and it sounds preachy... not what I intended. What I mean is it is ok to eat brownies or candy or whatever. Enjoy them! We need to work on the guilt we feel after. (Something I am working on)

Emily said...

I only just saw this post. Where's that wall? Have jumped over it yet? I've a sledgehammer in my garage and I'm not afraid to use it on that wall or anyone who dares call you fat. You are the bestest and I have no doubt you WILL accomplish it all, babe.

Julie Carlile said...

I want to say some encouraging words but as you know I have had a terrible weekend as well. So all I have to say is sometimes life just sucks! And I am so sorry someone said you were fat, that is sooo rude! Hope things get easier. I love you tons!

Amy and Josh said...

Sometimes you just need to keep beleiving in yourself even when those who "should" be doing that aren't-especially our family members.
So sorry he made you feel that way-just a bunch of crap and more crap on top. shows how he must feel about himself to do that.

You will make it over that wall, look at all these amazing friends waiting and loving you!!!
love ya Kim.
I so need a one on one with you and my camera:)

Trinbean said...

Kimmy, you are beautiful and "Mareefer" I actually loved your first comment it hit me when I read it...
"Being overweight is not enough of a reason to feel guilty or be unhappy" It is got to live life and if eating a delicous brownie is living life then so be it! Kim you know I have struggle with my weight my whole life, this last few months it has literally consumed my life and I think all we can do is do the best we can, if we have a slack off day then jump the effin wall and get back in the game :) life is about close family and friends...and being a cute mom and wife :) cheer up girl, today is a new day :)

Holly said...

It's amazing how insensitive our own family can be. When I was a kid, our family would make a three day drive to visit my mom's family 2/3 of the way across the country. It was hell, it was expensive and we only did it every four years. The first thing my grandparents would say to my mom after they hugged her was "Hmm, it looks like you've put on some weight." You're not alone in getting these comments or in how it makes you feel. You are beautiful. Inside and out.

Cory and Becca said...

sending loves your way beautiful lady!

Scott and Lindsey said...

Wow, Kim. I'm so sorry. I think I'm adding to your stress this week. If it is too much, it isn't a problem. Really it is. I never would have asked if I had known you were already booked :(

And seriously? Lame about your biological dad. It's insensitive, untrue and totally pointless. What purpose do hurtful words serve?

I have been off too. Here is my post about it.

Sorry Kim! Karate Chop that stupid wall.

Bri said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your bio dad. It's no fun knowing on your own you weigh too much and to have someone else tell you really doesn't help. Trust me. Been there. If you ever want to get together to work out, I really need to motivation too. Just let me know.

Love you. Xoxo

Heather said...

((Hugs)) honey.

I truly hope things are looking up now.

gina @ Birth Mother Baskets said...

you are strong and we ALL love you dearly. jump. jump. jump. we will be here with you.

Lechelle said...

:( sometimes people think because they are family their "honesty" is helpful, when really it's just cruel. ignore him, instead listen to the people who love you the most and are telling you the truth, that you are doing a great job.
hang in there. you really are doing a great job.

itcame2pass said...

Somehow I wish you weren't feeling this way and that I didn't understand how you are feeling. MEAN PEOPLE flat out SUCK!

Self esteem is, to me, one of the hardest things to work on especially when the world around you is telling you the complete opposite. No matter how many times I sit and check the facts about who I am, it is still a challenge when others are telling you differently; er and your brain as well.
I wish I had the answer, I hate to see and hear people of any and all types hurting internally. Hence why I have gone back to school and am majoring in psychology. I want to do what I can to help those around me to kick, smash, burn, beat, and conquer such degrading thoughts and messages that the world sends to us. How sad it is, that we are glorius creations of an almighty Heavenly Father and yet, each day we are told otherwise. None of it makes sense, and I don't understand it. I feel your pain, it is real, validate those emotions all the way lady!!!
Thanks again for being so open about how you feel so that the rest of us can realize that we are not alone; hopefully, the rest of us can become as courageous as you and share what is really internally going on.