Friday, July 17, 2009


Photograph by Leisha Kelsey

It is weird that this post has been floating around in my mind for weeks now.

Hard to admit that my mind weighs so heavily,
when it should be rejoicing and celebrating.

Like all the weeks and months up until now, I am still having a really hard time believing and accepting that this little tiny life is about to come to our family.

Last night I cried as I held the blanket I plan to bring her home from the hospital in.
I caressed it and cuddled it and cried.

I cried because there is this part of me that is STILL so scared and so shaken and so broken from last year.

This part, while after many, many, talkings to about the opposite still wonders and fears that,

"What if?!"

What if something goes wrong with the delivery?

Is she still moving?

Is she okay?

What if there is something seriously wrong with her that we didn't know about, what will I do?

Some of these are the things swimming around in my head.
It is really hard to admit.
Really hard to share, to get it out.
I have never prayed so hard in my life for peace and comfort and support.

Maybe it is all because it is down to the wire once again. Once again for seemingly the millionth time in two years here we are...waiting, waiting to see if this little spirit is coming to stay.

I hate the wire.

I want to fast forward to the end of next week when I will know for certain.

Certain sounds like a much funner place to be than here.


Krystal said...

my thoughts and prayers are with you for the upcoming week and hoping for the best as well... I hope you are able to find some peace in the meantime... good luck!

Cathy said...

I hope everything works out for you. I have enjoyed reading your blog and looking at your beautiful photographs.

Midwest Mommy said...

I have been thinking of you often lately (this morning in fact) and hoping and praying everything goes great for you. I can understand where you are coming from.

Ashley said...

I had a list of "what if's" when we were waiting for our daughter.

What if we never find her?
What if the birth mother changes her mind?
What if something happens to the baby?
What if...

Then I began to tell my self something.

"What if it all goes right?"

Hold to that. Every time you start to think "what if," ask yourself, "what if it all goes right?"

It's hard to not feel that smile creeping in on your face as you imagine things somehow, miraculously going perfectly.

Which is what I'll be praying for. Because you've earned this, a million times over.

Much love and wishes for blessings.


Ashley said...

p.s. had someone told me what i just said, i would have smacked them. :)

I'd be scared out of my shoes if I were you.

You're handling it majestically. Your courage, grace and fortitude is inspiring.

Hang in there.

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

I love your honesty. I can't imagine you feeling any other way, because you have been through SO much. It is hard to have faith...

You have no idea how many people are praying for you and Millz!

Barrett said...

Let me just tell you it's all normal! Not for everyone-just for people who've been through hard stuff! After KT's death and my miscarriage, I was a basketcase when I was prego with Karah. Even after she was born...still am sometimes! It was a little better with Alyssa but I have always been super clingy to her (probably why she's super clingy to me!) Now with Evan dying, I am really worried about next time if I have the strength to endure the emotional part of pregnancy. I wonder if we will even have any more because of our history. You always have to be prepared for the not so great things and know if something bad happens it is part of Heavenly Father's plan and he knows what he's doing. That being said, you can't dwell on the possibility of something bad happening and totally miss the great things. Enjoy and cherish all your blessings and you'll be fine! BTW, baby Millz will be fine! I am so excited to see her! Will you let me know so I can visit?

Manda Jane Clawson said...

Oh look at that darling pregnant belly!!! We are keeping you and baby Millz in our prayers :) I'm sure everything will be just fine and she will be such a blessing for your little family!!

Cassie said...

ooh...p.s. THANK YOU!!! :)

Cassie said...

I don't love the "what if" Hate "what it"

But. I love you! I will be praying SO hard for you and your phenomenal family until that baby girl FINALLY comes home! Too many people have been awaiting her arrival, especially her mama. She's special. She'll do amazing things.

Hang in there, I love you!

Erin said...

It's totally understandable how you feel. I'm just sorry that you have to go through it.
I had such a hard time getting past the worry in order to be excited for my pregnancy. I didn't accept that everything would be ok until they were actually here.
I'm thinking of you and your family and I can't wait to see pictures of your new little one.

UtahMan said...

Kim, it's your brother here.

Try to enjoy life a little more. Don't think so much about the 'what ifs". Think about the now.

She's inside of you. Living, kicking, and feeling. Enjoy what you have at this moment. The future is unsure, but you have what it is now.

Try to find more joy in it.

I love you.


JaNean said...

You are so incredible. I think every mother-to-be goes through those thoughts at least sometime during her pregnancy. This is our first, and though we had a hard time conceiving, i haven't had any big problems. But in the back of my mind there is always that 'what if' part of me that thinks that life is too good and too perfect so something has to go wrong. It's a really hard feeling to shake. The thing that gets me though is a blessing my husband gave me when I was 5 weeks pregnant and terrified that I would loose the baby. In it the Lord promised me that the baby would make it to term and that we wouldn't have big problems. That promise has helped me through many of those days that my imagination gets the better of me and I think of all the things that could happen. It's still hard to have faith sometimes, but I know that even if everything goes beautifully there will still be both parts of me, one thanking the Lord for his fulfilled promise and the other part thinking that something else terrible will happen when the baby comes home. I think it's all part of that curse and blessing it is to be a woman. Hang in there though. Everything will turn out great and you will have a beautiful little girl in your arms very soon.

Amy and Josh said...

Oh Kim I Hope All goes well for you, I can't imagine. The wire is a scary thing. I hate it too. Life would be so much easier if we just kew what was around the bend.

I hope you can call me if you need anything! Seriously. I love you and hope this next week is a comforting one for you.

The Lilly's said...

The way you're feeling is so understandable and I truly hope you will have peace over the next week!

Laur said...

You'll be great! No question about it!

ec said...

kim ... there are so many people behind you, loving you and praying for you.

remember that!

so excited to see her!

Vanessa said...

aww kim i hope you can be certain sooner than later and all of this worry can be put behind and you can hold your baby girl :)
vanessa from inevergrewup (sorry it doens't let me leave my url and i just wanted you to know its me!)

Samantha said...

First of all, I can't even describe those shots of your gorgeous belly. Like really, they're so beautiful. Second, with all you've been through, I can't imagine a single person not feeling a tinge of fear. You know that He is always watching over you. Next week will be here before you know it and you'll be able to smell that new baby goodness to your hearts content.

Samantha said...

P.S. D&C 6:34 It came to my mind as I was reading your post, so I thought I'd share.

Carlotta said...

sweet kim, good for your for getting this out. These are real emotions, thoughts and feelings. Validate them because they are yours, and simply because it is how YOU feel. I hope that getting it out helped a little. It is amazing how so many family units are holding on as tight as they can to every moment nowadays. I have never been in your shoes and I don't understand exactly what you are feeling; however I have an abundant amount of empathy for you and what you have expressed. I agree whole heartedly that certain is MUCH better. I don't like the unknown at all. It is such a "roller coaster" of ups and downs that is exhausting; the dialectic is how much is learned from going up and down. :p I myself can't wait either for you to be able to take this sweet angel and love on every inch of her and just stare at her in amazement of her miraculous journey into your family.

Carrie said...

Wouldn't it be great if someone could just take away all that doubt and fear so that you can enjoy, cherish, and savor this beautiful experience? I felt that fear cheated me out of all those feelings during my pregnancy. I hate that darn fear.
Hang in there. Hold on to moments of peace.

Much loves!

Amanda Edwards said...

I love you Kim. I will keep you in my prayers. Continue to have faith and believe all will be well, as it will. Can't wait to meet your sweetie.

Holly said...

I know this feeling. I just want you to know it's more than normL and dint be afraid to bug your doctor for ultrasounds or reassurance as often as you need it. This is actually how Robbie was induced. I was so braced for tragedy that we ended up in the e.r. because I thought he'd stopped moving. He was almost due so they took pity on me. Don't feel shy about your feelings with your doctor.

Christal said...

we all get the what if's with so many different situations all the time in life!! Believe me over the past couple of weeks I've had alot of my own!! i hope and prayer everything goes great!! You deserve the very best she WILL be healthy beautiful and strong and so will you cause you are!! And we are all rooting and praying for you and can't wait to see that gorgeous new baby!!! Good luck kim!! Luv ya cause you say it like it is!!!

Lace said...

Certain will be here soon! Really soon! That's one of our biggest trials in life I think, is dealing with the uncertain, at least for me, I just want to know how things are going to work out and then I can deal with them! I feel much the same way through out my pregnancies, I have a hard time accepting that it's going to really happen each time, it's like I don't want to let myself get too excited, but I do agree with everyone that we can't let fear rule our lives and we need to enjoy the NOW! :) Hope you are feeling more comforted that Millz IS coming!!! I can't wait to meet her!!!!!

Dan and Wendy Babcock said...

Funny when I talked to you today, I hadn't even read this post yet. I am totally aware....scary.