"Tchau little baby bed, oi big girl bed!"

"Tchau" from this little one sounds a lot like "Dow". I love it. No she didn't sleep in the Pack 'n Play her whole life. She did have a real crib...but we didn't set it up in the new house. She was sleeping in the travel crib until we got the big girl bed. She is in love...

Ryan and Lily

Learning to love ME!

Wow, lately I have been really down. I told you all abou that. So down that I gained some weight (which is baaaaddd...not a whole "lot" but enough that this doesn't help with things...but that aside, the past week or so has been really great for me. I can't pinpoint exactly the changes that have occurred, but enough to know that Heavenly Father is watching out for me and that he is near.

One of the main things for me has been wanting to be a mother again. It seems so weird to put it that way. I am a mother, but I guess the baby hunger sets in. I want to experience all of those things again, the newness of life, the joy in watching your child along each new step in life. I love each and every day with my children now...I just don't want that stuff to end just yet. If I had Internet access a week ago you would have read a post about me wanting to just be done...just wanting to be satisfied with my two little ones. Wanting to say, "I'm done." I was so ready to come here last week and type up a post saying...screw it all, I am so done with wanting another baby. I was going to talk about my never wanting another person to ask us when we were going to have another...and the fact that if anyone ever did I would likely punch them in the face. You tend to get that a lot when your baby starts going to nursery: Welcome to Utah. I am sure I would not have this problem elsewhere. Then I have to deal with the peeps I come in contact with at the agency. Some waiting for their first child, some their second, some their fourth or fifth, and I get made to feel like I am stupid or the odd man out, like I am taking their child way from them. I guess some of these people just don't understand the whole adoption thing and that their baby is not MY baby...and they will certainly not be getting MY baby. That is a another post entirely. So, anyway, back to the whole loving me thing. I did not come and write that post, because on Tuesday as I was walking through All a Dollar or whatever that insane store is named now (I don't frequent that store, but I had a few minutes to myself and began to wander...actually I am looking for cheap little placemats for my kids so if you find some that are plastic let me know.) and as I was walking down this isle, it just hit me. Peace. Not the peace that I will only have two children, but peace that I will be a mother again, and that having our paperwork in at this time is the right thing...peace that I shouldn't run and write the post about you all and the world asking me about us having another child...just peace knowing that we were making the right decision.

In other areas, my photography. Man, I have been busy with life that I was getting really down and frustrated with this. See, I like to go and scour phography websites. This is good, what I do that is bad is compare my work to other people. You know what I am finally understanding? My work is pretty good. I have grown so much, and when I really take the time to "see" what I have created, it is really great. Techinically things are in the right direction, and I can just take a deep breath and have confidence that these shoots I think are so terrible really are great, and I need to start feeling that I don't have to sell myself short. I love myself enough to know I am not charging enough. That is what everyone tells me, and I have to accept that, and not be afraid to tell the world, "Hey, I have something great to offer. If you want it, come and get it...if you don't like it, kindly step aside." That is really hard for me to say. Hard for me to understand and believe, but I am getting better and better, and I can see that. I took this photo the other day of this little girl and when I saw it, my heart skipped a beat.

It was almost perfect. The tones were all there, the fence may be a little blown out but who cares...it wasn't about the fence, it was about that little girl. It was a neat thing to see. I just love it, and the best part is I did nothing to it but change it to b&w, NOTHING ELSE. This session was one I didn't have to spend a lot of time cropping and playing with...I understand the craft, I have gotten to the point where I am doing it on the job, and it is wonderful for me to see that and love that about me.

I have a long way to go. A. LONG. WAY. But I do love me. So happy for this.

I'm back?!

Well, sort of. I know, I know, you are all SICK and tired of hearing me complain about this and that. We FINALLY got our phone hooked up on Monday, but we are still without Internet fast enough for me to upload a photograph without a nice long nap before it is uploaded...two words DIAL-UP. How did I ever live with this for so long? Ug. Anyway, it seems like I have a BAJILLION sessions to share, and I feel like some of my clients were jipped because they didn't get their photos uploaded to Instaproofs yet. I am so sorry, but no worries, they all have their images and their prints now...life is good in that aspect. Yay, it is about time! I am sure that is what everyone was thinking, especially those of you who, instead of receiving a portrait of your family...I showed up on your doorstep with a photograph of a bride and groom. Yeah, my printer messed up royally, but they made up for it by sending us new prints UBER fast...and two I might add. So, hopefully when I showed up on your doorstep with not only one...but two 16x20's it made up for it? Who doesn't need a 16x20 print of their family in their living room and their bathroom? What?! You don't have one in your bathroom? You must call me, I can hook you up! (I am being sarcastic people...this is how my life has been...KrAzY!)An update on life here in our household. We are all moved in. With the exception of our scrapbook room/office...we turned one of our unfinished room into a family office. Complete with "Flavio's corner office, and my scrapbook crap...stuff I haven't touched in a year. NO JOKE. Sad. My studio is almost put together...my computer should be here by the end of next week. I am so excited I can hardly stand it! Fast...a screen that is so sharp I can almost touch the images, and the pie de resistance...PHOTOSHOP! YES, P-H-O-T-O-S-H-O-P! Oh man...I have done so well so far, but to finally have this wonder, is going to be well, WONDERFUL. We are still waiting on backdrops and lighting as I am going to have a VERY small studio set up in my home, but natural light is totally my thing, but I have a lot of love for all areas of photography so we'll see how all of that goes. Emmaree is in a big girl bed. We went back and forth a little wondering if it was the right time...we moved Jothan into a big bed when he was her age...but at that time we were expecting a baby to join our family within a few weeks and were thrust into it...needless to say we jumped in and just didn't set up the crib on our new house, and she has done wonderfully, with the exception of the other morning when I forgot to close her door before I went to bed and I awoke to her screaming in the basement. I guess she had woken up at around five and went looking for me, and went all the way downstairs (where I work and we usually play) and when she didn't find anyone she freaked out! I found her screaming at the top of her lungs with the biggest alligator tears E V E R! I felt AWFUL, and scooped her up and allowed her to spend the rest of our "bedtime" in my bed, although I am not sure that either of us slept much.Speaking of photography...the class I am taking this summer is AMAZING. It is keeping me out of the loop for sure though. I am in class 12 hours a week and working on the class almost that much...it has been a part time job. Funny to report that I have only picked up my digi four times in the past month, and it was only for photoshoots. I have been working striclty black and white film, and can't wait to share some of the wonderful things I have created. I made this print today of Miss Emm. W-O-W. This is something I have been wanting to learn/do/create for a long time. I am really looking forward to studying medium format and furthering my craft through this type of film. I am hooked!Finally, an update on our adoption process. When we moved we had to have another home study, that went really well, it made us have to get our house in order even faster, which was a big blessing. We are getting a new caseworker in July as ours is moving to New York. We will sure miss our Kate, she was wonderful. We are still working on getting our profile up online...so for now if you all could network for us, and please share our story with anyone you come in contact with that may be able to help us find our next little one. We are so ready. I had some really neat experiences happen to me this past week, the spirit has been so strong in my heart and I only hope this means that there is a baby coming soon. Again, if anyone does know of someone, I can send you a copy of our profile for you to share with them. We love each of you who have already shared our story with others...we'll see if any of it comes full circle, but just knowing that you are willing to share, and remembering us is very touching, words cannot express our love and gratitude to you!Well, that is about all from us here tonight. I'll leave you with a copy of our "Adoption Collage" I think it turned out pretty cute...since it took me hours and hours to create it...how do you digital scrapbookers do it? I need a little help for sure!

I did end up changing this second page a bit, but simply cannot find where on earth I saved it on this computer...but you get the idea, I think I took of "family fun" (I hated it, but it was suggested to us to put it on there, it is just SO not me!) Thanks to Holly and Leisha for the some of the photographs. What amazingly talented women, I am so blessed to have them as my friends, and their work helped me to create a beautiful collage!Anyway, miss you all, I am slowly catching up on your blogs...so if you see me comment that means I have caught up on your happenings, can't wait to be a part of your lives everyday again!

A Post Without Pictures...

...is like a tear rolling down my cheek. I dunno, that sounds totally lame, but I am pretty bummed that I don't have a photograph. A few things...a little business: If you have had sessions with me the past week, please expect your session back in two weeks from now. I do not have a computer set up at the moment and I am running a good week behind. Also, if you are waiting on prints, I will try to have them for you by next Friday.My heart is so full today. I cannot even begin to express the amazing and wonderful things that have happened to me over the course of the last few days. Things that I cannot even express here on this blog, but maybe soon...hopefully. I just know that the Lord is mindful of ME, of my little world, and of my needs. I am slowly digging my way out of the abyss and I see a little light coming my way. I picked up my camera today, the first since Monday...seems not too long huh? Well it was for me. I took some amazing photographs that I can't wait to share with all of you.Can't wait to catch up on everyone's happenings...just a few more days...bear with me! Hugs to all.