Friday, June 29, 2007

Learning to love ME!

Wow, lately I have been really down. I told you all abou that. So down that I gained some weight (which is baaaaddd...not a whole "lot" but enough that this doesn't help with things...but that aside, the past week or so has been really great for me. I can't pinpoint exactly the changes that have occurred, but enough to know that Heavenly Father is watching out for me and that he is near.

One of the main things for me has been wanting to be a mother again. It seems so weird to put it that way. I am a mother, but I guess the baby hunger sets in. I want to experience all of those things again, the newness of life, the joy in watching your child along each new step in life. I love each and every day with my children now...I just don't want that stuff to end just yet. If I had Internet access a week ago you would have read a post about me wanting to just be done...just wanting to be satisfied with my two little ones. Wanting to say, "I'm done." I was so ready to come here last week and type up a post saying...screw it all, I am so done with wanting another baby. I was going to talk about my never wanting another person to ask us when we were going to have another...and the fact that if anyone ever did I would likely punch them in the face. You tend to get that a lot when your baby starts going to nursery: Welcome to Utah. I am sure I would not have this problem elsewhere. Then I have to deal with the peeps I come in contact with at the agency. Some waiting for their first child, some their second, some their fourth or fifth, and I get made to feel like I am stupid or the odd man out, like I am taking their child way from them. I guess some of these people just don't understand the whole adoption thing and that their baby is not MY baby...and they will certainly not be getting MY baby. That is a another post entirely. So, anyway, back to the whole loving me thing. I did not come and write that post, because on Tuesday as I was walking through All a Dollar or whatever that insane store is named now (I don't frequent that store, but I had a few minutes to myself and began to wander...actually I am looking for cheap little placemats for my kids so if you find some that are plastic let me know.) and as I was walking down this isle, it just hit me. Peace. Not the peace that I will only have two children, but peace that I will be a mother again, and that having our paperwork in at this time is the right thing...peace that I shouldn't run and write the post about you all and the world asking me about us having another child...just peace knowing that we were making the right decision.

In other areas, my photography. Man, I have been busy with life that I was getting really down and frustrated with this. See, I like to go and scour phography websites. This is good, what I do that is bad is compare my work to other people. You know what I am finally understanding? My work is pretty good. I have grown so much, and when I really take the time to "see" what I have created, it is really great. Techinically things are in the right direction, and I can just take a deep breath and have confidence that these shoots I think are so terrible really are great, and I need to start feeling that I don't have to sell myself short. I love myself enough to know I am not charging enough. That is what everyone tells me, and I have to accept that, and not be afraid to tell the world, "Hey, I have something great to offer. If you want it, come and get it...if you don't like it, kindly step aside." That is really hard for me to say. Hard for me to understand and believe, but I am getting better and better, and I can see that. I took this photo the other day of this little girl and when I saw it, my heart skipped a beat.

It was almost perfect. The tones were all there, the fence may be a little blown out but who wasn't about the fence, it was about that little girl. It was a neat thing to see. I just love it, and the best part is I did nothing to it but change it to b&w, NOTHING ELSE. This session was one I didn't have to spend a lot of time cropping and playing with...I understand the craft, I have gotten to the point where I am doing it on the job, and it is wonderful for me to see that and love that about me.

I have a long way to go. A. LONG. WAY. But I do love me. So happy for this.

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