Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Avoiding


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Photography, blogging, friends, family, facebook, food, life.

I am avoiding it all.

I lay in bed at night and I think about everything I want to blog about. I blog in my head about it all. The pain, the sorrows, the eating through my feelings to the tune of 15lbs. The broken heart at feeling like I am losing my mother, to once again, at age thirty, watching another set of parents get divorced, the fourth such circumstance in my lifetime. I see this and I long so much not to allow my life to end up similarly. I never want my children to know this hurt or pain that I am feeling, even at thirty years old it stings. Trying to rebuild a marriage from the brink of divorce is hard. I feel like I am building a house out of toothpicks and Elmer's glue and it has to survive a blow from The Big Bad Wolf...I think of these things, and I cry.

A lot.

Mostly when I am alone.

I cry and I am not sure why I am even crying.

The emotional weight and toll of the last two years is almost too much to bear at times. This is why I hide. I don't want to be weak. I don't want anyone to know how utterly difficult almost every single day is. I don't want anyone to think I am not strong, or that my attitude is not in the right place. I don't want anyone to think I am not grateful. I don't want anyone to judge me for feeling the way I do, because, people do. I avoid sharing who I really am right now because it is scary. It is frightening to not feel connected to anything you have known all your life. To the only person you ever loved with every fiber and ounce of you. To your parents. To your religion. To feel completely and utterly empty and overwhelmed despite all of the trying in the world.

The tears come.

In waves.

In sobbing heaps.

Grief.

In. Out.

Sobs.

I avoid sharing that my mom almost succeeded in taking her own life earlier this year. I avoid it because people think because she is sick, I am sick. I am not sick. I am well. I am just sad. I am sad because when I see my mom now, I am worried if she is taking her medicine. I am worried that she won't forgive herself. I am worried and wonder if she really is okay, because I know she doesn't tell us things because in her mind she is protecting us.

I avoid answering, "No, I am not okay!" Instead, I say, "We are good!" "Things are great!" "Much better!" When. When? When...when it comes down to it, I am not good, things are not great, things are not better. Things are a millimeter better when they need to be miles and miles and miles and miles better.

So, I avoid. I lie. I cover up...just because, I don't have it in me to do anything but. Until I can muster the strength to do otherwise...I will avoid, avoid it all, because I have no idea what else to do.

27 comments:

Aileen said...

well, freaking-A, you're not supposed to make OTHER people cry dammit. xoxoxo i love you. cry any day, any hour. whenever you need to. listen to your body. it knows. it knows oh so much and sometimes you just need to trust what it's telling you. and if it needs to lay around and avoid, then so be it. avoid dear. don't feel guilty. some might call it "healing."

D'Arcy Benincosa said...

I'm listening.

And avoiding needs to be done.

I love you.

Kristina P. said...

I heart you and your strength.

Kristina P. said...

I heart you and your strength.

Amy said...

You are amazing and strong.

Emily said...

Avoiding can be the best coping mechanism at times. You do what you have to do, and that is enough. But you, my dear, are more --more than just a friend (wait, isn't that a song?), more than just a mom, more than just a photographer, blogger, daughter. You are my dearest, bestest, loveliest, fantasticest, talentedest, amazingest Kim. And that is enough for me.

Sell...Party Of 5 said...

It's okay to avoid, it is those true friends and people in your life that will see through that...

I hope you know that I think and pray for you a lot, and I know many others do as well. You are loved.

We are all imperfect, and learning to love each other just the way we all are.

Love you.

PS Don't forget to ask for help, we all need the blessings from service.

ellie g said...

I love that this post was so raw and real, Kim. Everyone needs to avoid sometimes. And it doesn't make you anything but a human being. I just thought I'd send you a cyber hug. Because that's what I've got to give right now. So there you go. :)

Judi said...

You are amazing for writing this so others can know they are not alone in their battles wither,just as you are not in yours(even though it seems like it). Thank you writing this.

Arianne said...

I love you Kim!!!!

Arianne said...

I love you Kim!!!

Kathy D said...

Love you

kenna said...

you express so eloquently what i cannot. i know our life situations are so very different, but the feelings you speak of are some that i am familiar with myself.

i love you so much my heart could explode.

Becky Rose said...

IF YOU ARE NOT ON ANTI-DEPRESSANTS GET ON SOME NOW. RIGHT NOW! DO IT!

You will be OK. You will. All of these things are crappy things to go through, but it is doable. However, being honest is good medicine. It's good to stop hiding and faking it and just be honest. Maybe that in and of itself will lift your load just a little bit and any little bit helps. Face it head on and tackle it! No more hiding behind anything. Stand tall and say what is real.

Oh and counseling? Are you getting counseling? If not- DO IT and DO IT now. In counseling with the husband? That might be good too. You know best on that one, but you really need it for yourself. So those things for yourself and for your kids. They will appreciate it.

Hugs from Idaho!

aarika said...

I love you for who you are. You are strong. You are important dear sista! Avoidance is what you have to do sometimes. It's okay! B n' Me are here for you. For your family! You are in my prayers.

Love you dear sista!


Lechelle said...

I'm sorry. You are amazing Kim. A millimeter better is still better, you can do this. Look at all your cheerleaders, we are all on Team Kim. Sending you love and virtual hugs from Kansas City.

ellen said...

While going through a difficult time this verse from There is Sunshine in My Soul Today gave me strength:

"And Jesus listening can hear the songs I cannot sing."

Bless you.

ellen said...

Me again. Thanks for your comments. :)
What is your email? patton_ellen@hotmail.com

Trina Knudsen said...

Kim. You are strong. Love you, tons. In the past year I have been dealing with some similar situations and it is hard. You are strong for being able to talk about it. You are strong for dealing with the challenges.

Rachel B said...

Hugs

Barb said...

My dear one. I'm so sorry.

You remind me of a willow tree, nearly bent in half with the weight of its branches, and perhaps some out of season heavy snowfall, but still resilient and unbroken.

I know you will get through these heart wrenching challenges.

LoveYaMissYa said...

Oh Kim how I wish we still lived close. No one should have to deal eith so much crap! Your children are so lucky to have a wonderful mother! Miss you so much! Be strong and carry on!

LoveYaMissYa said...

Oh Kim how I wish we still lived close. No one should have to deal eith so much crap! Your children are so lucky to have a wonderful mother! Miss you so much! Be strong and carry on!

Hillary said...

Sometimes I think avoiding is a heart's way of taking a breather and gearing up for the next battle. Sometimes life feels like a series of battles, but maybe anything good if worth fighting for?

I can't even describe the ways in which I can connect and relate to your story. We obviously don't really know each other, but if you ever want to someone who gets it, I'm here. HillarydotMcCormackatgmaildotcom.

kami @ nobiggie.net said...

Hi Kim! I'm so late in readin this, but my heart goes out to you. Sometimes there really are no words to help, or make things better. I know this too well.

Life is so hard sometimes and you just have to cry it out as long as you need to.

But I too know that it's such a rollercoaster too, and there will be highs again on your track. Hang onto those highs, because they are ahead.

Love you friend. <3

mrs. r said...

Adversity sucks. You seem to have more of it than most people. And that is super sucky.

But? You are an amazing friend.

And I love you. Even when you avoid me. ;)

XOXO

Vanessa Brown said...

Love you Kim.