Friday, March 8, 2013

The Path to Heaven Runs Through Miles of Clouded Hell

 photo KimVSCO-13_zps6667b864.jpg

Photo by the beautiful and amazing D'Arcy Benincosa.
I am so blessed to call her my friend.

The last few weeks and months have been clouded Hell. (I am in love with Imagine Dragons aren't you?)

Living with depression mixed in with the occasional bout of anxiety makes for some tough days. It is hard to describe to someone who has never dealt with it, or lived through it. I suppose to an outsider they might think, "Get over it!", "Life is good!", "Look at all you have been blessed with."

These are the things I remind myself each and every day as I wade through this cloud.

Two months ago my mom came to live with us. This has been challenging as well as rewarding. She was diagnosed with a severe mental illness about a year ago. Dealing with her challenges on top of my own have left me very stressed and depressed a lot of the days. My heart aches because I feel she was neglected in the home that she left. I know and see that she needs someone to love and care for her and to check in on her and make sure she is okay and handling things well. While she is mostly normal, she still needs someone to check in on her and let her know she is human...and loved. While I love her with all of my heart, it is hard to have a house guest...especially when it may be permanent. She knows how I feel, she feels similarly and understands my feelings, we talk about it and make sure that we are all aware how hard our current situation is. I just wanted to put that out there lest anyone think I am a horrible daughter.

A few weeks ago my older brother and I got in a huge argument. I hate fighting with anyone. This particular evening, when I dropped about a million f bombs left me so utterly sad. I shook for days, I was sick to my stomach and couldn't eat. It was horrendous. The argument left me not wanting to blog ever again. Fingers were pointed and I was told I was not a good person because I write about my family on my blog. I have written about my mother on my blog, and about my husband on my blog. "You're going to regret writing those things five years from now!" he said. I spent many hours crying over this. Stressing over this. Running from this. What I took away from this event in my life, was understanding. I have two parents who are very dependent upon their children right now. My brother is dealing with my father in his sad emotional state, and I am dealing with my mom in her emotional state as well as her financial state. The argument became one of comparison and feeling alone in our separate situations. I am thankful I ended the phone call before I said too many things I regret. Happily, I got a phone call from my sweet 6 year old nephew a few days later. Like a healing balm, his sweet voicemail was like superglue to my crushed heart and soul. His call had nothing to do with the argument I had with his dad, but just one asking me to bring my kids to play with him. It was enough for me to call my brother and apologize for anything I may have said that hurt him.

Still, words hurt. They can never be erased, and they ring in my mind that perhaps I don't have the right to blog so much about my life. So I have been afraid to come back because I don't want to ever feel the way I felt that evening on the phone. At the same time, I realize how much courage it takes to share your story, and have seen countless times that by doing so, it helps myself and others.

It took me a few weeks to grab my shovel and dig out, but I am trying to come back. I truly am. It is so scary, and so hard...but I am trying. Don't give up on me just yet as I continue to try and find where I fit into this world.

I am in this clouded place...running through these miles and miles of Hell. I just want to feel what Heaven is like. I have faith it gets better. I know it gets better. I know it will. For now, I am thankful for my sweet babies who are giving me glimpses of my own piece of Heaven. They will have to do for now.


Laurie said...

Sending love. Sending prayers. I'm Grateful for bloggers who share their struggles because more than once it has given me clarity as I've gone through something. Beyond that I believe it is therapeutic. You want to be able to read back over it later and not regret it but at the same time Even during the worst things you can write things in a way that is real and true to the feelings of what is happening without being a rant. You will make it through those miles and clouds and find peace. You will get there.

Melinda said...

I love Imagine Dragons! I admire you for being so strong and taking care of your mom even though it may not be an ideal or wonderful situation all the time. I always appreciate reading your "story." It always helps me feel validated when I have my dark days. I think it is always a good idea to document your life in whatever element you feel comfortable with. It is important for you and will be wonderful for your kids to have at some point.

Tiffany Anderson said...

Love you Kim!!! I hope you can find peace in all of your stresses.

Emily said...

You should already know how I feel about you, but in case you've forgotten, you are:

Talented (extremely)
Charitable (all that pure love stuff)
Thought about
Prayed for

...and so much more.

Amy said...

that song is me and I listen to it all the time. I love it, and the miles of clouded "hell" is what I can relate to at times. Though I dont' understand what you are going through-and won't pretend-I am so sorry you have to go through it. God has a plan-right?? Somedays I don't get the plan, but I always hope tomorrow I might get it. . . I am here to help dig you out if you need a friend. Love you Kim.

Becky Rose said...

I totally get how the words of a sibling can cause a tail spin. I've had plenty of my life, and one just this last week. And I go into cussing mode too.

I hope you mom is a help in some ways.

I'm listening to Rob Thomas's song: When The Heartache Ends. I think you might identify or it may speak to you.

You are not the only one!

Hugs and support!

Anonymous said...

I wish I was more eloquent with words to be able to share my current thoughts and emotions.
I'm not in your shoes, so I don't know exactly how you feel. however, as I read your posts they resonate deeply with me. there are days, almost everyday, I want to express how I feel. yet I don't outta fear for what the results may be. I myself am unfortunately all too familiar with the word depression. it consumes my daily life and sometimes each breath I take. it doesn't matter how many people tell me what an amazing person I am, I still feel broken because I don't accept myself. I feel.stupid and want to quit school everyday cause I struggle with accepting how I learn. I feel like I'll never find my nitch in life.
I guess what I'm trying to say in all this is, I so badly.wish you didn't feel or understand this deep abyss of internal darkness. I wish life was as good to you as you are in return. thank you for sharing publicly your emotions. thank you for being brave and open with the rest of us.

Brittany@Love Stitched said...

You are such a beautiful inspiring person - inside and out! I know how hard it can be to climb out of the dark holes we bury ourselves into! hang in there friend it will get better and you have SO many friends and loved ones that are here to help you! Lets do lunch or dinner soon and catch up! love ya!

ellen said...

I don't even know you but I appreciate your honesty.

Vanessa said...

It is very hard. One time I blogged anonymously about some trials and got my head ripped off by my family. It is so hard.

Tristan Hutchison said...

I empathize with your mixed emotional states when dealing with loved family members who need your support yet the situation causes stress and exhaustion. I empathize strongly with the horrific sensation that no one else could understand a particularly rare type of struggle... Looking up self help and spiritual philosophy has helped... For me... And I wish you the best!