Monday, February 18, 2013

Spiraling

Downward.

Spiraling.

That is what it feels like life has been the last few weeks.

One thing after another, after another after another.

Never letting up, never giving me one moment of relief, not one breath before something else happens to knock me down.

Stomach punches to the gut, each one leaving me heaving and breathless on the floor.

Fetal position.

Tear stained cheeks.

Black mascara eyes on the days makeup even gets put on.

Yesterday was one such day.

I lost it in the middle of church. I bawled setting up my classroom and tried beyond tried to compose myself before my kids came in. Camilla was with me and she just looked at me with so much sweetness and love and concern. Somehow I managed to stop the tears but my face was red, my nose swollen, and there was no masking my utter sadness.

I hit rock bottom.

Hard.

Right now I am sitting in the muck of the bottom of pits such as these.

I am sitting here trying to decide what to do, what my next move might be, should be, where I should go from here.

Until I know, the only things keeping me together are my babies. Three of the most amazing little people on the planet.

They are my glue.

My passion.

My fire.

They are the only ones with a rope, pulling me up and out of this dark place.

Somehow I will see the light again soon.

Even if I am not okay in this moment.

I will be.
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This amazing Jothan boy got his blue belt.

He works so very hard at all that he does. I love to see him succeed and find joy in all of the things he does in his life. He is such a good example to me that happiness is possible and that life just isn't meant to be endured, but enjoyed.

(Thanks for the reminder Becky.)

xo

Kim

7 comments:

s + b said...

Oh, Kim. I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this. Your beautiful kids are YOUR creation. Remember that. You couldn't have created such beautiful, wonderful beings if you yourself were not wonderful. Love ya.

Sell...Party Of 5 said...

Let me help. What can I do?

Send me a message, I am waiting.

Emily said...

I'm thinking next class you need to get on that mat and kick the sh*t out of something. Maybe a few plywood boards? Or a brick wall? xoxo

Natalie said...

Oh Kim ... I have been there. I am so, so sorry. You are so beautiful and so amazing. You are so many people's inspirations. I pray that the Lord may comfort and strengthen you. Love you dear sister.

Elizabeth said...

Hang in there Kim. From one who has been there, the light does come back. Slowly but surely. Just glimpses at first, then you see it all the time and the light gets slowly bigger and brighter. Keep looking for the light - it's sometimes really hidden but it's there all the same. A smile from a stranger. A hug with your children. A hot cup of tea. Be patient. Be kind to yourself. One small, tiny step at a time. Ask for help when you need it and help will come. But always ask.

Mostly Jessica said...

I'm sorry Kim! Let's claw depression's eyes out and punch it in the throat!!!

Rachel Gunn said...

Hugs to you, Kim! I love your blog and photography. I hear what you are saying. It is okay to fall down into the pits, I've been there. It has been over a year and I'm still waiting for life to let me breathe too. But it's my beautiful kids that lift me up each day with their beauty and innocence. Hang in there! You are loved. Someone sent me this book and I totally recommend it for you, "For Times of Trouble" by Jeffrey R. Holland.