Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Finding Hope















All shot on a Contax 645, 80mm 2.0 at f/2.8, on Kodak Portra 400 Film

I wish I could say I was the sole brain child behind this conceptual shoot. However, this session comes from my good friend Duston. This man oozes creativity. I attended his workshop last March where we learned a lot about shooting from our hearts and souls. He is going to be having another workshop in 2012. I suggest you check it out. I came across these images this week when looking for photographs to donate to my tiny friend Holden.

When I first shot these they were meaningless to me, everything was pretty much meaningless. I had just had the shock of my life given to me by my sweetheart. I was feeling like less than garbage. I was just days into the worst torment of my life. I left that workshop a heap of despair. I got the images back and there they sat for months and months until I came across them this week.

They speak to me now. I am this woman. I am the one bound and trapped. I am the one hoping and praying for release. I am the one wishing for shears to cut through the ties that are binding me.

I weep.

For as this woman has found her way out, I am still trapped, held, bound. I am struggling to breathe. To wish. To dream. To hope. My sadness is tangible, it is real, it is dark and it is ugly. For the first time in my thirty years of life I am struggling to know what to do, what steps to take. How to rely on anyone else but myself.

The problem is, I don't trust anyone. Least of all myself.

I come back to this blog for the next while. Not in hopes of sharing my portfolio, or my fun blogging adventures. Instead, to get back to the whole entire reason I started this blog, to share my innermost thoughts. The pathway ahead is rough, it is scary. I am at a precipice. There is nothing before me but a huge divide. I stand on the edge unsure of what to do.

Here I will find my refuge.

Here I will figure a way out of this pain that is binding me.

Here I will find hope.

11 comments:

Emily said...

Beautiful photos.

I shall come wielding the biggest pair of scissors known to man.

I will jump with you...over the precipice, across the precipice...whatever you need. Oh, and I'll pack the parachutes.

Love you.

Becky Rose said...

welcome back! I do think this will help! Hugs!

vanessa said...

AND you'll sometimes learn those of us out there that will be there to help you when you say that word.

Amy said...

I can't begin to imagine where you stand Kim, but you are an amazing person period. And, I live around the corner so please let me help if I can-at least with your kiddos if you ever need it or just to hang. loves and hugs.

mrs. r said...

I like Emily's idea.

Beautiful pictures.

I miss you.

XOXO

Barb said...

Asking for help is scary. Feeling stuck and bound and frozen is awful. You will be in my prayers.

Kristin said...

Thank you for sharing yourself Kim! These images are striking, the contrast in color, the binding, the eyes. You will find your way, even in the dark, even in pain if you keep searching and don't give up you will find it. I read this on a fb friends page and this quote connected to me and I think it pertains to you and your present feeling:

‎"Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place." - Rumi

Duston said...

and if parachutes fail, i will provide the SCUBA gear.
kim....i am so happy to see your courage. take hold of your camera and shoot from your heart. "your personal growth can fuel your photography and your photography can fuel your personal growth."
you grow girl!!!!

wendy said...

Gorgeous images and gorgeous words. Just remember, you need your heart to crack to let the light in. And light equals joy. And I cannot equate those words with the number 25. It doesn't add up. xoxo

Instant Mother said...

Spectacular, you are a very strong, courageous woman. You will find many to support you and even carry you. It is the journey, step into it as an adventure. I've been through most, I'm here for .

Sarah said...

I believe in you. I know you can do this. You are loved. You are beautiful and amazing. God knows and loves you. Thank you for sharing such a raw message. Keep going my friend. xoxo