The Suck Stops Here

Photo circa February 2011.

It has been 5 weeks and three days since my life changed in a way I never imagined it could. In a way that even I didn't think was possible. In a way that is not able to be blogged. I shut down. I shut down hard and the last place I felt safe or desired to share anything was through social media. That was hard for me because my blog has always been a place of solace and relief, but this time? Well, this time it was not my struggle alone, it was not my place to share fully what I have been through, and the past few weeks as I have sat down to blog, it hasn't come. Not with the ability to fully share everything, and therefore I couldn't do it. Here I would sit, fingers poised to type, and nothing would come out. Not one letter, not one symbol. Nothing.

What I do know is that the fear I had when combining blogs and knowing EVERYONE would be reading EVERYTHING I had posted here. Whether they were friends, family, long time blog readers, or clients, I was nervous about posting anything. I am grateful the need to censor myself has diminished greatly in the past 5 weeks. I need to be uncensored. Always. It is who I am and take me or leave me, but -I- am me, and that should always be celebrated.

Without sharing exactly what I have been enduring, I will say this: I am stronger than I ever knew possible.

I am beautiful.
I am wise.
I am worth it.
I am amazing.
I can do hard things.
I am special.
I am ridiculously, amazingly forgiving.
I deserve everything I have worked so hard to create.
I am a good mother.
I am the best damn wife any man could ask for.
I am a friend.
I have amazing friends.
I am hawt.
I have still got it.
I am patient.
I am patient.
I. AM. PATIENT.
I have a gorgeous heart.
I am smart.
I have an amazing family.
I have amazing children.
I am so so so blessed.

Any pain 2008 caused my heart and soul is trumped by recent events. I never thought in a million years I would ever be sitting here saying that. TRUMPED I tell you. Trumped, smashed, beat down into nothing...that is 2008. This? Well this is the Mount Everest of suck. Or, as my good friend Holly has mentioned, sucktastrophe.

So, with that in mind, know this. I have overcome lots and lots of suck. I will overcome this. It will take time, it will take tons of energy and patience, and more time, lots and lots of time. But this? This I can overcome.

Thank you to those closest to me who know. Thank you to my clients for hiring me at a time when I needed to lose myself in work. Thank you to my readers for being patient with me while I was on this sabbatical of suck.

I love you all.

Here is to a new day.

The suck stops here.