Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Suck Stops Here




Photo circa February 2011.

It has been 5 weeks and three days since my life changed in a way I never imagined it could. In a way that even I didn't think was possible. In a way that is not able to be blogged. I shut down. I shut down hard and the last place I felt safe or desired to share anything was through social media. That was hard for me because my blog has always been a place of solace and relief, but this time? Well, this time it was not my struggle alone, it was not my place to share fully what I have been through, and the past few weeks as I have sat down to blog, it hasn't come. Not with the ability to fully share everything, and therefore I couldn't do it. Here I would sit, fingers poised to type, and nothing would come out. Not one letter, not one symbol. Nothing.

What I do know is that the fear I had when combining blogs and knowing EVERYONE would be reading EVERYTHING I had posted here. Whether they were friends, family, long time blog readers, or clients, I was nervous about posting anything. I am grateful the need to censor myself has diminished greatly in the past 5 weeks. I need to be uncensored. Always. It is who I am and take me or leave me, but -I- am me, and that should always be celebrated.

Without sharing exactly what I have been enduring, I will say this: I am stronger than I ever knew possible.

I am beautiful.
I am wise.
I am worth it.
I am amazing.
I can do hard things.
I am special.
I am ridiculously, amazingly forgiving.
I deserve everything I have worked so hard to create.
I am a good mother.
I am the best damn wife any man could ask for.
I am a friend.
I have amazing friends.
I am hawt.
I have still got it.
I am patient.
I am patient.
I. AM. PATIENT.
I have a gorgeous heart.
I am smart.
I have an amazing family.
I have amazing children.
I am so so so blessed.

Any pain 2008 caused my heart and soul is trumped by recent events. I never thought in a million years I would ever be sitting here saying that. TRUMPED I tell you. Trumped, smashed, beat down into nothing...that is 2008. This? Well this is the Mount Everest of suck. Or, as my good friend Holly has mentioned, sucktastrophe.

So, with that in mind, know this. I have overcome lots and lots of suck. I will overcome this. It will take time, it will take tons of energy and patience, and more time, lots and lots of time. But this? This I can overcome.

Thank you to those closest to me who know. Thank you to my clients for hiring me at a time when I needed to lose myself in work. Thank you to my readers for being patient with me while I was on this sabbatical of suck.

I love you all.

Here is to a new day.

The suck stops here.

24 comments:

~kamie~ said...

you are an amazing person.

i think i have a lot to learn from you.

xoxo

mrs. r said...

gorgeous.

Bec said...

Sounds sucky. Thanks for helping me remember my blessings in sucktastically horrible times. Love you and miss you my friend. You are the most loving and generous person I know. Here's a shout out to less sucky times. May there be less suckness. The sun never comes out here, but I will send you all the sunshine I can spare. I love you.

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

I have missed you mucho.

I have worried about you, and said a silent prayer for you.

Thank you for realizing how amazing you are, because all of us already knew it.

Love you for realz.

moosh in indy. said...

You are beautiful.
You are wise.
You are worth it.
You are amazing.
You can do hard things.
You are special.
You are ridiculously, amazingly forgiving.
You deserve everything you have worked so hard to create.
You are a good mother.
You are the best damn wife any man could ask for.
You are a friend.
You have amazing friends.
You are hawt.
You have still got it.
You are patient.
You are patient.
YOU. ARE. PATIENT.
You have a gorgeous heart.
You are smart.
You have an amazing family.
You have amazing children.
You are so so so blessed.

and you're going to get a little "I told you so" from me and everyone else who has ever had the privilege of having you in their lives. We've always known how wonderful you are and are so happy you can now see it too.
Even if was the suck that had to bring you to the realization.

Holly said...

There seems to be a typo. It should say "I am an AMAZING friend."
You're insipiring... And can we call this episode the Suckpocolypse?

Manda Jane Clawson said...

You are amazing Kim :) HUGS!

Emily said...

That list? It is so totally and completely true. You. Are. Amazing. And I love you. If you need someone to climb with you to the top of the Mount Everest of suck, I will be first in line.

Kim said...

You are amazing.

I have no idea what is going on, and honestly, I don't need to. I love you anyway and am here to support you 100%.

Sometimes life just SUCKS and it is up to us, as women, to band together and lend support when we can.

Love you sweet friend.

vanessa said...

oooh I love your list, I agree with everything and want you to feel up to that list every single day. Because that list is you :)

Cassie said...

Love you. Lots.

Toby said...

Here here!

Barb @ getupandplay said...

You really are amazing. Hang in there.

Ashley said...

Hold on. You're very loved.

Mareefer said...

I have been experiencing my own suckage... pretty much a complete emotional breakdown. This post helped me sort some things out. Thanks Kim! You are an uh-mazing friend and an inspiration to me. Love your face.

Kjrsten said...

i love this post. and i love you.

Cheyenne and Seth and Co. said...

love this. love YOU. i would add that you are brave. And like i always say, you are wonderful. You are.

kenna said...

you know i love you.

yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

always here to support you, no matter what.

Quinn said...

Kim, I love you!!! You amaze & inspire me!!! Your list is completely true & I loved it! Sending love & prayers & strength your way! xoxo

Candise said...

Beautifully written Kim - and very true! You are on my list of "hope I am like her when I grow up" gals!

Aarika said...

What an amazing Woman you are Kim. I LOVE YOUR HEART!!!!

Aarika said...

What an amazing Woman you are Kim. I LOVE YOUR HEART!!!!

scooping it up said...

so sorry. i had a massive sucktastrophe at the end of last year.

i learned something i never thought possible. i shook me to the core. so very unbloggable, and i even changed blogs, went anonymous but still couldn't say a blessed word. not being able to process via blog was stifling.

i am so sorry.

it's ok to live in suckville too. things can come back to rear ugly heads at times, even when we think it's all under control.

my heart is reaching out to you. one woman to another.

Trina Knudsen said...

Kim you are amazing - you have been as long as I have known you. My heart goes out to you. Big hugs.