Wednesday, August 20, 2008


Photobucket, I hate you today. Blast you and your maintainance, when I was all sorts of ready to post new photos to my photography blog and to here. You'll have to settle for the stupid tiny blogger photos. Sigh.

Today has been a long day for me. Lots and lots of thoughts are going through my mind. I just want to take refuge in these spirits:

I have been reflecting a lot upon the last six months of our lives. I feel like it has all been a dream. A very painful dream. I have been greatly humbled this year. I have fallen onto my knees in prayer more than ever before. My testimony has grown by ten fold, and my love and desire to be with my family forever has increased in ways I cannot even begin to explain.

Training for a half marathon has given me ample time to be alone, to reflect, to ponder, to heal. At times I have found myself very angry, angry at myself, at my body for failing my tiny baby. Angry at the people around me who I have allowed to hurt me. I recall a few months ago writing about how I would never let someone control how I was feeling, or how I dealt with what was being thrown to me. How easily that has been forgotten, I need to recharge my spirit and remember that I am the keeper of myself, I can choose to be happy, or I can allow each and every wind to toss me to and fro. This is not always easy. I have a tender heart and an even tender spirit. I fear disappointing those around me, even to my detriment. I am trying to love unconditionally, but at the same time, put myself first, which is hard, and feels painfully prideful, things I don't tolerate well. These are just some of the thoughts that have gone through my mind while I pound the pavement. Time that has helped me to heal, but time that has made me realize I am not where I would like to be within myself.

I love this man. I know I already told you how much last week. He is my rock...he is my best friend. He is my guardian.

It is two a.m. and I am rambling on and on...just thoughts.


marci helen said...

you are so wise!! i feel like i could take bits and pieces of this post and make it my own...the personal time to reflect, the frustration, and the forgetting so easily things that i know so surely. thanks for reminding me that i am in control of my good days and bad days. let's make today a good day for us both! ~grin~

Heather said...

I love this post!! You know just what to say and put into words exactly what I am feeling! Thank you for sharing your heart!!

I am sorry for your hurts!! I am proud of your rising above it and finding the silver lining. . .I need to learn more on that one!!

Amy and Josh said...

LOVE your words Kim. . . they speak hope to my soul!!

Shan said...

Kim, you are a beautiful person, inside and out and everything else. I think you are too hard on yourself sometimes. You have been dealt things that I can't even grasp, and you have worked through them amazingly. It feels great to take control, reflect and learn when you spend that kind of one on one time with yourself huh. That is what keeps me going back for more. Many many prayers for you and your juliet :)

Angela said...

Kim, I just wanted to say I was sitting here & found some of your previous comments on Moon Cookie. You need to know how much they have meant to me. I don't know you ... but I know you. Thank you for your words. I am a girl with a camera. You are an artist.

Happy everything said...

Hi Kim,I just wanna saw how pretty are Jothan and Emmaree's pictures and your with Flavio. We are so excited for another newborn in our family. We love you all.