Today has been a long day for me. Lots and lots of thoughts are going through my mind. I just want to take refuge in these spirits:
I have been reflecting a lot upon the last six months of our lives. I feel like it has all been a dream. A very painful dream. I have been greatly humbled this year. I have fallen onto my knees in prayer more than ever before. My testimony has grown by ten fold, and my love and desire to be with my family forever has increased in ways I cannot even begin to explain.
Training for a half marathon has given me ample time to be alone, to reflect, to ponder, to heal. At times I have found myself very angry, angry at myself, at my body for failing my tiny baby. Angry at the people around me who I have allowed to hurt me. I recall a few months ago writing about how I would never let someone control how I was feeling, or how I dealt with what was being thrown to me. How easily that has been forgotten, I need to recharge my spirit and remember that I am the keeper of myself, I can choose to be happy, or I can allow each and every wind to toss me to and fro. This is not always easy. I have a tender heart and an even tender spirit. I fear disappointing those around me, even to my detriment. I am trying to love unconditionally, but at the same time, put myself first, which is hard, and feels painfully prideful, things I don't tolerate well. These are just some of the thoughts that have gone through my mind while I pound the pavement. Time that has helped me to heal, but time that has made me realize I am not where I would like to be within myself.
I love this man. I know I already told you how much last week. He is my rock...he is my best friend. He is my guardian.
It is two a.m. and I am rambling on and on...just thoughts.