Tuesday, April 10, 2012

How I feel.




I am an emotional mess. I know better than to blog when I feel like this. Perhaps that is why I haven't blogged...not really anyway. This photo perfectly describes how I feel in every single way, shape, and form in my life at the moment. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and this one is proof. Replace my face for hers and there you have it.

I sit here not even sure of what to write. It all just seems so broken, from my mind to my heart to my body. It is a little bit depression, a little bit desperation, a little bit anxiety, a little bit (okay a lot) stress, it is sadness, it is disappointment, it is longing, it is confusion, it is love, it is very little hope still glowing, it is faith (but lacking), it is honest, it is lying, it is crazy. All of it. Crazy.

The past month. Wow. I can't even begin to describe it. Before I turned around twice the last month was gone, and with it 31 days of my life.

Barely breathing in and out. Barely getting by. Hating myself for eating through it. Unhappy with myself for not being able to just figure it out and have it be perfect once again. It is fear that it may never be perfect and feeling pressure from every side and every angle and knowing you will never please anyone, and perhaps not yourself in the process. It is the unknown that is the hardest part. It is the trust that it can be better, that it could be better, that it might get better.

It is still so many sleepless nights. Hours lying there. Awake. Longing for answers. Longing for sleep. Longing for hope.

It is a tear streaked face. It is worry for another. It is taking on the humongous responsibility of caring for someone else who so desperately needs you, but realizing for the first time in your life you might not be strong enough to continue to care for other people because it might break you. It is continuing to care for that someone regardless because there is no choice. It just is. You must, because that is what love is. That is what family means. It is you wishing family meant something completely different.

It is a 1/3 life crisis. It is wanting to run away, afraid to run away, needing to run away, knowing running is not the answer and never will be, but still wishing for it regardless.

It is the need to be just a little bit selfish, but knowing and fearing that being selfish may be the death of you. It may ruin the last bit of self you have left and then wondering what would be left of you. Anything good? It is not being able to trust yourself to be a bit selfish because you may never recover from it, and that scares you.

It is a constant worry. It was being sick through it all.

A strain. A hurt. A cry. A tear.

It is my life.

9 comments:

mrs. r said...

Beautiful, painful post.

I love you.

Ami D. said...

I love you kimmy and we are here for you. I know and feel your emotions and meanings because of life right now. I have 2 shoulders to cry on and ears to listen if you need. Love you no matter what.

Lechelle said...

(hugs)
I'm sorry.
Sending you love and prayers from Kansas City.

DisabilityDiva said...

:( hugs!!! you are such a strong person.you are so.descriptive! Love you for having the courage to get through each day!

designHER Momma said...

awe kim, I'm thinking and praying for you. xoxo

Amy said...

I wish I had the right words to say, but know I never will. Love you. Hang in there, many Blessings will be yours someday Kim. I am sure of that . . . I hope this month gets a bit easier for you Beautiful Lady.

Becky Rose said...

you are allowed to take care of yourself. To gift yourself a gift at least once a week, not necessarily a gift to purchase, but something, some time that you enjoy. I learned that in my class called Pattern Changing" for those who have been in abusive relationships in any way shape and form. In fact I was given a bill of rights and #2 on the list is "I have the right to put myself first." There is an astrick by it and below it says this: The 2nd right may seem to be selfish. However it does not mean not considering others or taking the last crust of bread from your children. It does mean that you must love and respect yourself before you can, with healthy balance, give of yourself to other in the most effective way. I think I need to send you all the 18 rights. You are treading water here. If I think of more I'll send it your way. HUGS to you!

Emily said...

I may come and scoop you up and run away with you. Don't fight me if I do, okay? I'm sure it will involve pizza and late-night Target shopping.

I. Love. YOU.

Ramblings of a Redhead said...

My sweet darling - your writing is so elegant and heartbreaking. I wish I could just give you a big hug and make all the sadness go away :( Love ya!