Tuesday, June 21, 2011

"The day my life changed forever!!" "PAIN" and "Anguished"







All photos shot on a Nikon F100 with Kodak bw400cn Film

So, what I have hinted about is a daily photography project which I meant to start sharing back in March, and well, from March until now has been nothing less than pure hell and torture, and my sharing of my project got put on the back burner.

Last week I was finally able to look at the photos from the first few days of my life changing hell. They were titled with things like, "The day my life changed forever!!" and "PAIN" and "Anguished". I never before in my life had felt the feelings and emotions I was experiencing in those first hours and days of shock.

Sometimes in the past month I have felt like, "Wow, I can finally breathe, I can conquer this, I am strong, I can do what I need to do to get through this. I can forgive, I can be the person I know I am inside and this will all be worth it in the long run."

Then, I have tremendously dark days full of things like, "I deserve better than this. I am not strong. I am so very afraid. I am not sure I can be so forgiving. Why am I going through this? Why, out of everything I have already endured must I be enduring this trial? Why? Why? Why?"

The dark days are very selfish days. They are frightening days. They are days that I don't see myself in. I find it hard to know who I am on the dark days. I have referred to my life right now as a bitter roller coaster. One in which I am finding very little joy, and I love roller coasters. (The real kind.)

Being in a position that is so precarious as the one I am in, basically and honestly and truthfully facing a fork in a road of staying on the path of marriage or breaking off into a path of singularity is a frightening place to be. Both paths are rocky and muddy, and messy. Both are wrought with obstacles of pain and uncertainty. Right now I hate both paths. I don't hate many things, but this, this right now I hate.

It is hard to love someone so very completely, and not want to see them hurting, but it is also very hard to be hurting yourself. I have been reading a book that I will share more with you about later, but this book is amazing, and the insight contained therein is so helpful, and yet leaves me feeling like I need to read it every day of my life for the rest of my life in order to keep perspective.

Today is one of those days my perspective feels blurred.

I feel alone.

I feel really, really scared...

...and really, really alone.


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20 comments:

  1. LoveYaMissYaJune 21, 2011 at 2:30 PM

    Kim, you are strong! One of the strongest women I know! I know you can do anything you want to do with some help from our Savior. I love you!!! Wish I were there to give you a hug on those dark days!

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  2. AlliSMilesJune 21, 2011 at 2:36 PM

    I love you.

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  3. Kristina P.June 21, 2011 at 2:38 PM

    I've been thinking about you. But this time, in a concerned way, not the creepy way I usually think about in.

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  4. Ashlee MarieJune 21, 2011 at 2:44 PM

    you are NOT alone. You'd be surprised how many people have gone through marital and life anguish and pain. I don't share because my husband has asked me not to on a public forum like my blog, but my hell, and anguish was just last year: Jan-Aug. It does get better. Your doing great.

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  5. ashlieaxandikeJune 21, 2011 at 2:49 PM

    It seems like I can read into what you aren't saying. and my comment would be to share more. be more open and there are those of us that could help you more. that have been through what you are going through.

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  6. kennaJune 21, 2011 at 2:52 PM

    i love you, also.

    so very much.

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  7. designHER MommaJune 21, 2011 at 2:52 PM

    I love ya, Kim. Just know that there are many people that you are very special to.

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  8. DisabilityDivaJune 21, 2011 at 2:55 PM

    Oh my heart aches for you! You are one of the strongest and courageous women I know!! Im so sorry you have to go through this difficult time. Please know from the depths of my soul YOU are not alone!! The biggest HUG I can give you...do you feel that?? love you!

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  9. UnknownJune 21, 2011 at 3:13 PM

    Hang in there, time and pie make everything better!

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  10. QuinnJune 21, 2011 at 3:23 PM

    Sending you MUCH love and LOTS of light, especially today. xoxoxoxo

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  11. mandeeJune 21, 2011 at 3:26 PM

    Huggs coming your way and always! I love you, you will make the right choice for everyone...maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but in time. Give it time!

    Lots of love! xoxoxoxox

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  12. Lindsey from The R HouseJune 21, 2011 at 3:28 PM

    Hang in there, Sis.

    I can't wait to chat tonight.

    XO

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  13. AnonymousJune 21, 2011 at 4:07 PM

    Kim,

    Even though I have never walked the exact path you are on, I can say that how you describe your dark days make total sense. I don't know what "normal" is anymore and want to find the new"normal" really soon. I feel like I don't know who Carly is and am trying to find her, again. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. It's an odd dance to have with yourself especially when you thought you knew yourself so well. I understand what you are saying when you have days that you feel like you can do it and forgiving seems"easy" and other days it just all seems too hard. Youre right when you say theres no easier way. There are days it just seems easier to walk away from the little bit I have left.
    Kim,
    I have no words to console your pain, but I wish I did. I wish it would just stop and that your heart didn't hurt like it does.
    Take care
    Carly

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  14. Wendy LaurelJune 21, 2011 at 4:11 PM

    I hate to be cliche.. but when one door shuts another one opens. Whichever path you choose will be fine. In the final analysis, he is just a guy. Just a guy. You will get over this and him and all of it will be behind in a short while. Its amazing how quickly the human heart can recover. I promise.

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  15. BarbJune 21, 2011 at 4:12 PM

    I was thinking about you this morning before I even saw this post. And I said a little prayer for you. I hope that you are feeling the immense love that Heavenly Father has for you- it's there. You are incredible.

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  16. UnknownJune 21, 2011 at 9:30 PM

    The pictures are so powerful...you are amazing...even in your darkest hours. You are loved by many, and thought of so much. I swear we all need an easy button when life is too hard!

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  17. DianaJune 21, 2011 at 10:38 PM

    oh kim, i juuuuuuuust ache for you. can't go over it, can't go under, you gotta go through it. and it sucks.

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  18. EmilyJune 22, 2011 at 1:59 AM

    I hate forks where neither option is appealing. I hate when I can't do much of anything for someone except continue to tell her how much I am praying for her and believe in her. I hate when my friends hurt.

    But I love you.

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  19. UnknownJune 24, 2011 at 6:23 AM

    Kim, I just can't tell you how much of an example you are to me and how grateful I am for your honestty and the truths you share with the world. You have given me such hope when I have felt none. I also can't tell you enough, how much the big guy upstairs will be there for you (and you know that) for whichever path you choose. Divorce f'ing sucks. It's true. But if that's the path for you, there will be people, friends, family, and HF to love care and protect you and your family. If marriage is what's right for you and your family' the same goes. I can only tell you though - you truly must love yourself, and give to yourself. Don't ever let yourself go undeserving or unloved for the sake of holding on to a marriage.

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  20. ChristalJune 27, 2011 at 7:41 PM

    kim the biggest of {{hugs}} I'm so so sorry you have to go through whatever it is you are going though you are amazing your testimony and faith is inspiring!! Hang in there.

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