"Are you there God, it's me, Kim."
Do you remember me?
Ya, I am the one whose fallopian tubes are blocked by endometriosis, and whose left ovary is encrusted with the same junk.
Lately, I've really been wondering... "What is Normal?" "I just want to be normal!"
I bawled my eyes out two weeks ago when once again, my body failed me. I cried for two hours until my eyes were dry and sleep finally overcame me. I think that was somewhere around four in the morning. I remember being really tired that day.
I want to be normal. I want to be like all of the other happy little families taking up an entire row at church with their six kids.
I want to FILL up the car we bought a few months ago...really. Today as I was driving my car...it just felt, EMPTY.
For once, I would love to know what it is like when an adoption is successful. I want to know that the feelings I feel in the first instant that it is right...will stay the same until the end...when I am holding a baby.
Really, I just wish...right this second that all of my friends who are struggling with these same feelings and problems would know what it was like to have all of their hopes and dreams and wishes come true. Please help them. PLEASE.
Thanks God, when you have some time, let's chat.
P.S. I do want to thank you for my two beautiful children that you have blessed me and Hubbs with. They are our strength and our joy...
Also, thank you for adoption, for making it possible for some of my friends whose ovaries and fallopian tubes and sperm are bunk...because through adoption, they can be parents.
Don't forget us.
87 comments:
I love this post!! funny thing was on my day 300 I had a Dear God it's me Margret Post ready to go and it had the same feeling. But I never got to post it because on day 290 we were announced to and on day 355 we had our placement. I don't know if God will ever tell me the why's, I am just greatful he continues to shower me with i love you's. thanks for sharing!!
Oh this post, How many times I have uttered those same words to the title of that book =) Quite often, ok maybe everyday. So many times I ask Him to not forget those around me. I know He doesn't even though it feels like it. The irony of life around me. All these peeps praying for adoption to touch their life and I am what they are praying for. Makes me stop to think.
Maybe I need to do a post with the same title but discussing with Heavenly Father where my Husband is as I have met all these amazing husbands. Boy envy can get the better of us, but also helps us to realize all our blessings as you pointed out in the post and several other posts.
May your encrusted tube be cleaned by a powerful Drano called Prayer, faith and a MIRACLE!
I saw something today that I wish I'd seen about 4 years ago. It's a lovely little wall hanging in the Desert Book catalog. It says "Faith in God includes faith in His timing." It's what I struggle with the most, what I need to be reminded constantly. I think I need it for my bathroom mirror. Hugs sweetie.
Kim, I love this post.
Totally thankful for you.
You amaze me.
Lots of Love!
It's too bad it takes us until mid adulthood (and sometimes longer) to realize there is no such thing as normal - there are just people whose problems and trials aren't immediately visible. We all struggle with something, the trick is just not to forget all the things we have, do well, excel at, never lost or never had to suffer. Hang in there. I know it will happen for you.
You really should focus on the joys that you do have. I think you dwell too much on what you don't have. Be happy with your life as it is. Focus on the positive. There are a lot of people in this world who have it a lot worse than you do. Maybe you need to remember that.
anonymous,
how dare you. your comment is infuriating.
just because kimmie is blessed in other ways doesn't mean that the sting and unfairness of infertility doesn't beat the emotional crap out of her.
just because she already has two children doesn't mean that she doesn't long for more. ache for more.
how do you know that god has not revealed to her to fight for more? do you know more than god? are you now receiving revelation on her behalf?
get real.seriously, who do you think you are?
also, did you not read the p.s.? have you not read this entire site that is focused in the joys of her children?
the truth is infertility is hard. i am sorry that you are not compassionate enough to offer kimmie support and love instead of rebuking her.
...and then to do it anonymously?
so wrong. so cowardly.
your comment makes me throw up in my mouth a little.
"in the quiet heart is hidden sorry that the eye can't see."
you have no idea how hard it was for kimmie to write this post. how she teared up as she wrote it. how she had to leave the room after she did. you weren't there. i was.
she is genuinely hurting ...not just whining for attention or whatever you think her reasons are.
educate yourself, anonymous. show love to those who are seriously and obviously struggling--which would require you to get off your high horse and life someone up. and then take your holier than thou attitude and go play in someone else's sandbox. you are not welcome here.
grrrr,
mrs. r
I pray that the Lord can comfort you in this trying time. I feel for every woman who longingly feels that they would love more children and for whatever the reason can't have what their heart so longs for!!
ignore the rude comments and know that your post will help more people in the long run. It helps me!! in ways you probably wouldn't even imagine. I have 6 kids but these comments make me ever aware of the differences in other's trials. I need that. ANd I pray for those that want something that seems unattainable-for we all know what that feels like. take care, and may soon your car be 'full'.
Time to de-lurk! I have been a follower of your site for a long time. I love your photography and love the ability you have to express yourself through photos and words.
I could sign my name to your post, and I know I am not the only one. Thanks for reassuring me that others feel a similar pain.
Yes, you WILL be a new mother again, and when that baby starts to get older you will feel the familiar tugging that temporarily abated as you loved and cuddled your new little one.
It is normal, it is the way we are SUPPOSED to feel as women and mothers.
The not-so-fun part is our challenge to deal with what we have little control over.
Hang in there...your tears are shared, and your arms will not be empty long.
Good luck on this journey. It's okay to hurt and not understand. Hang in there... blessings will come your way.
As a fellow endo-laden, looking-to-adopt mom, I'm totally there for you. "I want to be normal" is my mantra, too. I wish you many kids in your future. And, in the present, peace and health. I liked how you wrote about emptiness - the need to fill up that car and your church bench. The feeling that someone is missing... a complex sort of unrequited love, isn't it?
I know too well the feelings of despair, the feelings that I will never feel complete. Sometimes I have been embarrassed by those feelings, I have had people tell me I am selfish because Of my fertility struggle "Be happy with the son you have" "Some people would die for just one baby". I began to believe that and still had an inner battle because I wanted more children. I wanted to know what it was like to be pregnant, to feel a baby kick, to have my own birth story to share while ALL my friends were talking about "Oh I had an epidural""I was in labor for 2 days"...
I HATE infertility. I HATE the pain and anguish it caused to myself, my husband, my family BUT also the millions of women who are SO MISUNDERSTOOD who struggle with infertility. How do you explain the pain, the tears, the anger to someone who "gets pregnant just by him looking at me". People need to be educated, people need to be sensitive. I think us in the infertility circle need each others support and stories of success so badly.
I suffered through two ectopic pregnancies due to my tubes being blocked. They were 6 years apart. Each time the tube ruptured and was rushed into surgery. I lost both tubes. I am 27 and my eggs are pretty much like a 45 year old woman's eggs, not great. We adopted our BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING son. I knew with every fiber of by being that he was so meant to be our first born! Our sealing date was my due date of that first ectopic loss. My First tender mercy.
The second ectopic was right after our first IVF cycle. We transferred 2 embryos (out of 30 eggs only 5 made it)and one took, then found out it was an ectopic. We were devastated. I stopped talking to friends, I withdrew myself from social places because I didn't want to talk about it. My husband gave me a blessing that said- the same spirit you lost will come to your family soon. 8 months later we did our 2nd round of IVF and found out we were having twins! My second tender mercy. My boys had to come down together. I gave birth at 29w4d. They both weighed only 2 lbs. My husband gave me another blessing saying The Lord prepared a way for them. So we had faith and spent 6 weeks in the NICU with our boys. Today they are 5 months old and thriving!
Sorry to share my WHOLE history...I wanted you to know someone who has made it to the light in the tunnel. After 8 years of the pain, embarrassment, thinking we were being punished, we knew the Lord prepared a way for us to be parents. He loves us and never wants us to feel pain, he wants us to grow, to love one another and maybe, just maybe it is through our incredible desire to be parents and our failure in times to do so is how we can love one another, share our stories.
I love you though I do not know you. I cry for you BUT when the lord has prepared a way for you to have more children we will rejoice with you.
To the ONE anonymous person who felt it appropriate to say such things, shame on you. You need to educate yourself in the ability to love and respect others pain.
Please do not let ONE persons comment affect you in negative way. Let all the others who will comfort you and surround you with positivity be your safe place.
You are LOVED!
I have come to your site several times to oogle over your photography mostly...but I have to say that as I read your post I could imagine myself uttering those same words (just replace the endo stuff with PCOS stuff)...We haven't been fortunate enough to adopt any children yet, but hopefully that will change soon :)
Good for you for being honest about your feelings. More people need to be open like that.
Shame on anonymous...people them that make it harder to deal with the pain we must quietly suffer.
My heart goes out to you. I am also trying to adopt and have been through 3 failed adoptions. The pain is so real and raw. Please keep sharing. There are so many of us going through the same struggles.
Yeah for Mrs R!! We girls need to stick together...
I long for more children too. I actually call it my "sickness". It doesn't ever leave my thoughts, and sometimes I let it complete overtake me. I look around, and have so much to be thankful for...BUT I would give it all up to have another one. I wonder why "his timing" is so off from mine!
Keep on keepin' on girl! This post is amazing, and how many of us girls feel!
loves & hugs
I am so sorry for your pain. Sending all my love from Arizona...
Dear Anonymous:
I heard about your comment from another blog. I hope my message is conveyed with love.
Kim is grateful for what she has; however, she is grieving her lose. If someone special in your life passed away, how would you feel if someone said to you, "You have no reason to be sad; forget your lose. You have so much more than others." Please allow Kim to work through her lose without judgment.
A great women said, "Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind . . ." (Nadauld, Margaret, "The Joy of Womenhood," Liahona, Jan. 2001, 18; Ensign, Nov. 2000, 15).
I pray that you might be blessed with understanding and love.
Wow you are an inspiration to people that are dealing with infertility like myself too.. I have endo it has both of my ovaries stuck down that it is nearly impossible for me to get pg I have like a 3% chance on my own.. I feel your pain and know what you are going through. It does help to talk about it and get it out in the open.. I wish that I was a fairy godmother or something that I could help the ones that hurt and give them their dreams and make them happy. I think to myself sometimes there is a reason why it took me so long to finally get pregnant with my first son through IVF.. I tried for 7 years to get pg. It is very hard but I think it has made me a stronger person in reality even thought I don't really like to admit that. I want you to know that you are loved and I will pray for you to have the peace that you need.. Thanks for sharing your most deepest feelings with me..
kim.
you are incredible.
love to you, you beautiful lady.
I found your blog through Mrs. R and your post is so touching!
Thank you for being so open and honest about how you feel about infertility. It helps the rest of us (namely me!) feel like we aren't alone. That it is valid to have those SAME feelings. That although we are immensly blessed in our lives, that we are not the only ones feeling sorrow for the loss of our dreams, wishes, and hopes to bear children and that it is okay to feel that way!!
Hi Kim, I too have the same issues that you have, and also a husband with MORE issues- a double blow to the fertility ego! We have been blessed by adoption and I love my daughter, but still feel like I am missing out on my right of passage as a woman. It makes me sick to read all the blogs of teenage mothers, they don't even try to get pregnant! I just want to tell you that you're not alone, there is a strong sisterhood of those like us and someday it will all make sense.
Much Loe
Samantha
This totally made me cry. I ache for you. Infertility sucks. :(
Kim, I have some similar feelings. I struggle with infertility, but feel like I can't complain because I have 2 biological children of my own. Obviously my infertility problems aren't that bad, but my heart still breaks every month that things don't work out. Been trying for #3 for over a year. Here's hoping things work out this month...
How blessed are those two kids to have a great mom like you. I know Heavenly Father will bless you and your family with many more little ones to fill that car. I know there are many birth mothers out there that would feel blessed to find someone like you.
My prayers are with you and your family.
Like Holly, I also have PCOS and have fought the battle of infertility. It is not easy, it is not fun, and feeling the pain of it is certainly not just feeling sorry for yourself or not being thankful for your blessings. The desire for children, no matter how many you have, is a righteous desire. People have the mistaken idea that just because you have one child, you shouldn't feel pain from failed attempts to grow your family. That is ridiculous.
Life seems excessively cruel when a couple with the trials of infertility then have the heartache of one or more failed adoptions. It's so hard to understand. My husband and I were just beginning the adoption process after nearly three and a half years of trying to conceive when we found out we were pregnant with our first. We now have four beautiful little boys, each a wonderous blessing from our Heavenly Father. Each one is an answer to prayers. When we were trying for our youngest who just turned two months, I cried every month that it didn't happen. It didn't mean that I didn't love my older three, but maybe it was because of how much I loved them.
Yes, there will always be someone "worse off" than you are, but to suggest that means your pain is any less real, unimportant, or self-indulgent is ignorant. Our hearts don't work that way. The fact that we feel pain for our situation doesn't mean that we do not have compassion for others. It is possible to be thankful and still long for more. Aren't we always meant to strive for more and better? Isn't that how we grow?
Thank you for sharing your story. Sometimes it's so scary to talk about this, and you never know who will lend an understanding ear. It's so sad that there are people out there, who won't even sign their name, that rather than support you, choose to belittle your emotions and basically tell you to just suck it up and move on. Even if someone cannot empathize with you because they've never been there, they still should demonstrate sympathy and compassion.
Please do not let one person's ignorance disuade you from seeking comfort from others. I know it only takes one bad apple to spoil the bunch, but there are a lot of us out there who truly feel your pain and want to offer what little comfort we can. I know that empty feeling, that feeling that something is missing. I've spent many sleepless nights crying out to Heavenly Father and begging him to please send my babies to me. You have truly expressed what so many of us feel as we walk this road.
Kim-
Why does it have to be a baby? There are plenty of kids/teens that need and desperately want a family, but everybody chases after newborns. There are kids out there that are forgotten.
Imagine the heartache those kids feel knowing that they will never have a real family. Imagine where they came from. Imagine how it feels to child to be alone. Imagine how they would feel to be adopted into a real home with a real family. Because for most of these kids all they can do is imagine.
I am one of Mrs. R's good friends. She is lending me to you today :)
I also cannot have children. It is 100% proven, tried and tested. It will never happen for us. It sucks. There is no way to discribe HOW horrible it feels.
We are hoping for the miracle of adoption at this very moment. We haven't had the blessed opportunity yet. We're patiently waiting. But I know what it's like to feel broken, cursed and empty. I struggle with it every day. I'm sorry that you had to go through it too. And I am touched by your prayer for others like me. I find absolutely nothing negative in this post. Anonymous must not be in a very good place him/herself. The comment says nothing about you, and everything about them.
Thank you for sharing and know that it touched a lot of people.
Dear Kim,
(I tend to ramble so if this doesn't make 100% sense, sorry, bear with me!) :)
Not sure how I fell upon your site...awhile ago...but I did. And I bookmarked you into my feeds from that day on. I have never left comments before, just sorta 'checked in on you'...I know that ONE day you'll fulfill your dream. I think you, and I, wear our hearts on our sleeves which opens you (and me) up for more pain. The person that left that comment really can not know what you're experience right now. Heavenly Father DOES hear our prayers (and mutters for that fact!), but for some reason He has to make us endure and become stronger...you are a joy to your family, friends, and 'crazy' lurkers like myself. Please don't let the bad comments get to you. Unfortanetly, we're surrounded by them. And, not that I want you to think of me as a crazy blogger but on 11/1 I mentioned you in my post...
Cheer-up. The bad days will come and will go. Just take one step at a time, and if you feel the need to cry, that is okay. Crying is allowed, we need a way to release the pain from us. You are doing good in the world, keep it up!
Anonymous...in answer to your question, "Why does it have to be a baby?" It doesn't. Have you even READ this blog? I am a foster mother...we have had a two year old in our home. We have looked into adopting a four year old and a three year old. And really? Sometime in the future? I would LOVE to adopt an older child. Right now? It isn't right for me...it isn't right for US and it wouldn't be right for our family or fair to the teenager.
There is nothing wrong with understanding our weakness, I just can't give that much right now in my life...I wish I could. Could you?
I know you don't know me and I don't know you, but I read about you on Mrs. R's blog. Then I came here and read what you and the "anonymous" wrote and I ache for you. I too have endometriosis, a blocked filopian tube, and gunky ovaries. I feel broken and there's nothing wrong with that. I also have two beautiful adopted children that I wouldn't trade for 2 biological children. They are my life and my reassurance that God does love me when I am feeling down. I think it's healthy to feel sad and get mad. If we didn't, then when blessings came pouring down on us they wouldn't feel as special or mean as much to us. I admire you for pouring your heart out on your blog. I haven't had the gall to do that yet. Don't let anyone drag you down. Keep fighting, keep posting, and keep hoping.
PS. To all you ANONYMOUS commentors...you guys are chickens and should feel sorry for your comments.
Haven't you been told "if you can't say something nice DON'T say it at all?" even if you're saying it 'Anonymously' you're STILL saying it.
Why, don't you stand up and take the cowardly way out of things and say it anonymously. If you're going to say something mean at least be adult enough to leave your name attached to the comment.
It's not like Kim is going to return the vicious comments! Now, that Mrs. R, she's another story...you better watch out for her! Because she's a wonderful friend and I could see her defending Kim and putting you in your MEAN place!
I know you don't know me and I don't know you, but I read about you on Mrs. R's blog. Then I came here and read what you and the "anonymous" wrote and I ache for you. I too have endometriosis, a blocked filopian tube, and gunky ovaries. I feel broken and there's nothing wrong with that. I also have two beautiful adopted children that I wouldn't trade for 2 biological children. They are my life and my reassurance that God does love me when I am feeling down. I think it's healthy to feel sad and get mad. If we didn't, then when blessings came pouring down on us they wouldn't feel as special or mean as much to us. I admire you for pouring your heart out on your blog. I haven't had the gall to do that yet. Don't let anyone drag you down. Keep fighting, keep posting, and keep hoping.
Hi Kim, found your blog through Mrs. R and have followed for awhile. Thank you for this post and for writing about infertility with such honesty. I don't think people can really understand it unless they've been there. The comment from anonymous is hurtful in so many ways, if only we could just be more supportive to each other.
Your post will no doubt help many who are facing similar trials. Hang in there, I hope the best for you and your sweet family.
i hope anonymous sits on a tack.
i think they woke up and were like, "hey, who can i verbally smack around today? let's try someone who is really, clearly in a lot of pain..."
it has to be a baby because that is what your heart is hurting for. it has to be a baby because that is what has been revealed to you.
i can't believe anonymous. unreal.
i seriously hope that wasn't their attempt at compassion. funny how they can feel compassion for the family-less child but not for the baby-less family.
seems kinda hypocritical.
The sting of infertility is a wave that comes when you least expect it. http://bhappenings.blogspot.com/2006/11/riding-wave.html
I wrote about it a few years ago...
It is surprising when the wave hits. Like from out of the blue, regardless of the blessings you have... it just can't be predicted.
One older lady I read about called it "her old friend, the pain of infertility"... years after raising several adopted children she still got hit with it from time to time.
I am sorry the wave has hit you.
Ride the wave. It will surely pass.
My heart hurts for you as I know the pains of infertility and waiting to adopt. People who have not been through this have no right to trivialize this trial. It is so much harder than they realize, and though the pain doesn't go away, it helps to have support from others.
It's ok to feel sad...this is a very tough thing to go through!!!
I follow Mrs. R's blog as well and now I'm a follower/supporter for you. Just wanting to send you big 'ol southern hugs and support. Been there - Done that, got the stretchmarks, pock marks, heartache to prove it.
Now the Mommy of 1 bio and 2 adopted ...... hoping you have a great day!!!
I found your blog through the r house blog. I have PCOS, and have never been able to get pregnant. We would have hit our 5 year mark this month of trying to have a family, but we had a miracle baby girl come to us in September through adoption. She came very unexpectedly and has been a huge blessing to us! The thing is, I still grieve over our infertility. The pain isn't as intense, but it will never go away. Shame on "anonymous" for that insensitive comment!!! Obviously "anonymous" doesn't understand the heartache that is infertility. You can still be grateful for the blessings you have and ache for ones you don't!! Granted you have been blessed with two children, but if your family isn't complete, who is anyone else to judge how you feel?!! I pray for everyone who is struggling with infertility and is trying to just get their family here! Good luck to you!!!
To the "Anonymous Blogger"... this is "Hubbs."
Look, I am sure you thought you had good intentions in your sharing. I hope I am right in saying that you only meant to help and support our 'situation.' For that, I personally appreciate your efforts. And... I am sure by now you are feeling pretty silly about your comments.
You know, I think if your approach (namely: Anonymous) had been different. I think if we actually could attach a personality to your disconnected comments, we could have analyzed what is going on in your life, or head... and it would have probably benefited us in an even more positive way, which is what you claim you intended.
Well, obviously you are mistaken... plus it seems you are hanging around to see how this develops... to see other people’s comments... My ADVICE to you... don’t do it! Invest your time in something else, or in a different way.
Your 'disconnectedness' your 'fear' of being recognized is disappointing.
PS: I truly hope you are not one of our friends. I must clarify why I say that.... I am not offended or upset with your intentions and not even your approach. I even approve your intentions. I do. I am simply disappointed on the fact that you don’t believe you and us are friends enough to love and support each other. I don’t want you to expose your self (even less in public). I am not even asking you to go away. All I would really like is for you to simply be more considerate, more mature. Luckily Kimmie has all the love and support that anyone would want in the world. Our family and friends are wonderful (including you, if you ARE a friend).
Take care,
Hubbs
Thank you for voicing the feelings I have but can never seem to get out in the open. You are a STRONG women, and I admire you for that. AS we started the adoption process 3 years ago someone told me " God doesn't give us anything we can't handle." I remember thinking "well then, I wish he didn't have so much faith in me". Be strong, normal is what you make of it. It is nice to know that there are those amazing women out there that understand. We need to band together. GO, FIGHT, WIN!
Lurking via The R House. Everyone has a right to feel down once and while and sometimes we need to just "get it out". So, more power to you! Thank you for sharing your feelings!
Infertility sucks.
You are an insperation to me and to others struggeling with infertility.
I am totally a blog stalker but just felt the need to comment this time and let you know that you are amazing and I love your blog.
Kim, I am so sorry. As with so many of these commentors, I have "been there/done that." I pray that there is much joy right around the corner for you and your fam. Hang in there, dear.
Good for you for sharing! I completely empathize with you. We have been trying for over 5 years now and have been waiting to adopt for about one year. This process is excruciating at times and it's overwhelming at the emptiness that can surround. I'm sorry we have to deal with this and I have not figured out many of the "whys." But I know we will grow and become better people, become more like God as we are refined by fire. I don't know you, but I adore you because of the instant kinship that occurs because of these trials. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing! and pay no attention to that anonymous craphead that decided dump on your venting. I appreciate what you said, it helped me too :)
oh Kim love this post you always know what to write for those of us who feel your pain, know your feelings and cry with you for the same feelings and over the same frustrations!! LOVE YOU!
YOU ARE AMAZING.
I too often wonder the same thing do my prayers make it past the ceiling?
Love you!! ttys
Kim - I have started to comment 2 maybe 3 times but the words just don't seem right. I am not sure I have it right yet but really wanted to send out a big hug to you!
I have to agree with Mrs R you need to be able to get it out. There is always someone that doesn't completely agree with everything. (Look at the elections for an example) You are completely justified in feeling the way you do.
I have a post somewhere (on one of my blogs, who knows where) that I talked about feeling forgotten. I just felt like our prayers were hitting the ceiling and bouncing back. What were we doing wrong. . .Thankfully they weren't. Thankfully Heavenly Father was there, but it didn't take the hurt away at that moment. It didn't mean that everything was okay when I was crying that yet another person was pregnant and it wasn't me, and it didn't help when another round of fertility treatments failed.
I know you are thankful for those sweet angel babies that you have, and I know what you mean that you want to fill that big car (clear up) with sweet babies. I told Spenc that I almost feel selfish now when I pray "please bless me with another baby." I am so thankful for the one that I have but desperately want another.
Keep sharing, keep being you, you are blessing so many lives. I agree with "Hubbs" these people may think they are being supportive and if you knew their circumstances you may see their comments differently. Thanks for the example that you are to me. I appreciate your honesty and your wholeheartedness. You are amazing!!
Thanks for sharing, Kim. Sometimes I feel so alone in my own infertility struggles, so it helps to know that others out there understand.
It seems like I get over one hurdle and feel like I'm back on my feet, when something else kicks me on the butt and I'm back on the
ground again.
My most recent kick in the butt was my newly pregnant friend rubbing her belly and saying to me,"I just wish you could feel this. It's just so amazing. Isn't there anything else you can do? Couldn't it just happen?" I didn't know what to say. Like I freakin' haven't tried anything within my power. Ugh!
Anyway...sorry for rambling. Just want you to know that I feel for you, and am grateful for you sharing your pain. It really does help.
I just came from Mrs R's blog. I too am in your same plight. One beautiful child through adoption, suffering from infertility and daily praying for guidance and acceptance. This is such a touchy subject. People just DO NOT get it if they haven't walked this road. I somewhat understand where anonymous is coming from because I think we SHOULD focus on the blessings we do have because it's true we have more than others...I don't want to miss any beautiful moments with my son because I am sulking in what I don't have...so I choose to focus on the good. However, just like Mrs R's retaliating comment, she was spot on. We will NEVER stop mourning what we were created to do, give life. My heart will forever ache because I might not ever have that chance and it cuts to the core of the very being I am. We have the right to hurt, cry, mourn, and talk about it. That's what people don't get...we are just trying to deal with our heartache, but that doesn't mean we aren't appreciative for what we have. It just seems that way when we choose one time to talk about...doesn't mean our life is focused on the negative! I'm so sorry for that stinging comment you got, but you are not alone. Thanks for sharing your story and hopefully it will help others who are ignorant to it!
Found your blog from the R House. I feel your heartache and pain. I want my body to be normal too. Thanks for sharing this post you said exactly what I feel. Hang in there!
That is not the book cover I remember from my youth; it must be on its 400th printing or something.
Anyway, I just wanted to share my aunt's story with you. She adopted a baby who was born to a mom who was married and had four little boys. Her husband didn't want a 5th kid and he REALLY didn't want a girl. The mom took my cousin back four times before finally letting my aunt keep her. Come to find out, my cousin had some very special and unique needs growing up. My point is, though it was never the process she thought it would be, it finally worked out. Finally. After much agony and defeat. My heart aches for you. I know it will work itself out. No consolation, I know. And I am not sure when, but I have faith. Good luck.
Hey There! I don't know you, but I know the heartache you are feeling. It is pretty horrible, and I believe it is okay with our loving Heavenly Father to do everything in our power to enjoy our bad days. We get that right. It makes getting back to happy days so much better. But, please enjoy your bad days. Take yourself out to eat. Relax, read, get a pedicure, take pictures, cry, cry, cry. Feel what you feel.
I know that just because you have two other children it does not make the pain of wanting more any less real. Sorry you have to have this sadness now. Even though so many of us have been there, it doesn't minimize your feelings.
Here's to enjoying the bad days and waiting for the better!
I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but I feel almost exactly how you are feeling most of the time. I have suffered extreme pain, heartache and depression due to my endometriosis and the curse of the monthly "visit". for once, to be able to have something stick, oh the feeling would be priceless. We have been trying for almost five years to have a biological baby, but still heartache, still fear, still empty in that area. We were just blessed with a miracle through adoption three months ago, yet I still hunger for more children.
I feel like a failure sometimes when I think about the fact that my body isn't working like everyone else's but then I remember that there are many people who struggle with this problem and we have been brought together to share our tears with each other and give support. I am here for you to support you. I know what it feels like. I have walked that path, and am still walkign it today.
Hold your head up! "God doesn't prevent broken hearts, he heals them through each other."
Oh Kimmie, I wish we all had a direct line to God so He could more easily help us find every member of our families or at least tell us when it's going to happen. It sucks that Ron & I to have a 0% chance of having a baby. Sometimes I think it's worse than having a small chance and sometimes I think it's not...but either way it's not fair. It's not fair that we can't have children when we want them. I hate that empty feeling. Six years of marriage without a baby - I didn't know how I was going to make it thru even one more Christmas. Now we finally have our little miracle on the way. I'm so grateful you're excited for us even though it's hard for you...I know it's hard. You're such a good friend and a good person. Love, Jessica & Ron
I totally understand where you're coming from.
I have a daughter through adoption.
I don't want another baby yet.
I am not ready to face my "broken" body again.
I want to feel normal. I want to have just something, ANYTHING happen without a million pieces of drama, an ordeal or having to lay out my entire life history to the world.
I hate having no privacy.
I hate the fact that the events surrounding the birth of my daughter, and the 45 days afterwards, were spent in fear and pain, not joy. We never talk about it.
I hate the loss of the other children I'd hoped for. I had also envisioned myself with kids in a pew; four, to be exact. But it looks like two may be our limit. That kills me.
I hate that people don't try to understand. That you're told, "Be grateful." It's like being told, after losing your leg, to be grateful for the other one. It's not that you aren't grateful for your leg, your arms and every other appendage you've been given, but you still miss the lost leg.
Having to once again face your own infertility is just another reminder that you're a freak. You can't do what God designed you to do. If you can't produce children, then what good is having the instincts? It's being reminded of all the hopes and dreams you have had to let go of, ones you've probably had since you were a girl.
I love my daughter. I couldn't love her more if I'd made her out of playdough myself. I celebrate her adoption and I give myself major props for being able to pull off an adoption at the age of 24. But I still mourn that I couldn't feel her kick inside of me, I couldn't share seeing her for the first time with my husband. I couldn't look at her for months without feeling guilt and pain for her birth mother. I would love to share the joy of being pregnant with my family.
And I mourn that I may not be able to.
And that's what makes me totally normal.
Thanks for sharing your story. You have touched many hearts, including mine.
I happened onto your blog through another, and I want to thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences so candidly. It has lent some much-needed perspective.
I grew up with a mother who waded through 6 miscarriages. It is still a whirl of confusion and raw pain to remember how my mom pushed my sister and me away before, during, and after each loss. To this day I still wonder why we weren't enough. Why she turned away, always trying for another.
The crying. The screaming. The obsessive behavior. Overhearing the phone calls with her friends and doctors. The blame flung between my parents. I grew to abhor the whole process of babies. To me, it was disgusting and emotionally charged. Why, I wondered, would you bring someone into this world only to make them feel like an unwanted burden? I hated to sing "Families Can Be Together Forever"...who wanted to be tied to people who only focused on the kids they couldn't have? Like you,I wanted to ask God if He was there. It hurt. Sometimes it still does.
I apologize for using this forum, but your story has let me glimpse my mom with a bit of distance...as a woman, flawed but doing her best. I cannot relate to your hurt, but I thank you for lending me a different lens through which to view my own persistent hurts. Blessings, luck, and strength to you in your conversations with God.
I HAVE BEEN READING YOUR BLOG FOR A LONG TIME NOW! THE FIRST POST WAS YOUR MISCARRIAGE. I WAS SO SORRY TO HEAR THAT HAPPEN TO YOU. I HAVEN'T LEFT A COMMENT, BUT TODAY I JUST COULDN'T LEAVE WITHOUT SAYING HOW SORRY I AM. WE ACHED FOR A CHILD FOR 5 YEARS BEFORE WE ADOPTED OUT SON. I HAD FRIENDS WHO WHERE ON THE WAIT LIST FOR ONLY A FEW MONTHS WHILE WE WAITED AND WAITED. IT MAKES THE HURT MORE DEEP. I AM SO SORRY THAT YOU HAD THAT TERRIBLE COMMENT. THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO WANT A BABY AND NOT BE ABLE TO GET PREGNANT. THERE ARE MANY IGNORANT PEOPLE. I HAD A LADY ASK ME DON'T YOU JUST PRAY ABOUT IT AND KNOW YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD (SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH #9) I WANTED TO SCREAM AT HER. ANYWAY YOU ARE GREAT. I LOVE YOUR PHOTOGRAPHY AND WISH THAT WE LIVED CLOSER SO YOU COULD TAKE PICTURES FOR US. COLORADO IS A LITTLE FAR AWAY. GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND PRAY THAT YOUR CHILD WILL BE IN YOUR ARMS SOON!
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. We need more women like you in the word. God bless you.
I found your blog through the R House and just wanted to tell you how brave I think you for sharing your feelings and pain. We suffered secondary infertility and there were so many times when I felt these same things-not understanding why my body wasn't working-and then I would feel guilty because we have been blessed with two beautiful children-but I knew in my heart that the Lord wanted us to grow our family and that there were more kids waiting to come to our home. I understand this hurt so much! It is natural-it took us 4 years of not one doctor to be able to tell us what was wrong-and somehow miraclulously we wound up pregnant this summer-you are not alone! The Lord loves you and if always there to comfort you! Thank you so much for sharing your story!
I don't know you...I've never met you or Mrs. R, but I follow both of your blogs because they give me faith and encouragement. More than anything I want a family. I am just starting out in the process of trying, and I already am SO impatient! I cannot imagine what your heartache must feel like...I pray and KNOW that the Lord has great blessings in store for you and your family. I pray that you will have strength and comfort until those blessings are able to be recognized.
Kim,
I have read your blog for nearly a year now-through the r house. I have prayed for your challenges and appreciate your very honest feelings. Through your, and others, honest feelings, I feel like I can express my own. My husband and I are sterile and have been waiting since April. It is an emotional ride and we have only been waiting for a few months. I am sorry for your losses. You will be blessed with a miracle because of the intense fire of affliction that you have been suffering.
Wow there are so many comments. I read through some of them and agree with most of them...besides the mean anonymous ones.
I came here from the R house whose blog I have read for a couple years.
Let me say, I am so sorry for your pain. My heart goes out to you at this difficult time. I hope that you can enjoy the blessing of another child soon.
My husband and I tried for a child for 6 1/2 years. I had 2 miscarriages and finally had a sweet miracle baby in February. I never thought it would take us that long and those years were the most difficult and heart wrenching years. That pain that came with every month passing was debilitating.
Here is a HUGE HUG from Florida. May the Lord wrap His arms around you and may you know there are those of us out here hoping and praying for your success in achieving your hearts desire!
And thank you for being so open and sharing such raw and real emotions with all of us. You are a brave woman.
You dont know me but I am pregnant with my third child but Im having complications once again that will limit us to these three beautiful boys that we have now. I am grateful for them but I understand your longing and your pain.
We always wanted a big family and now I look around and think is three enough? Ive never experienced infertility because getting pregnant is not a problem but keeping them inside is. Seeing our dream of 6 children slip away has me starting to feel grief for a lost dream, if that makes sense.
We will try to adopt a toddler when the time is right to help finish off our family, but the pain of losing a dream is real.
I feel with you, my heart aches with you, and my prayers will be with you.
Much Love!
Kim,
Can I tell you how refreshing it is to hear the voice of a "real" woman? I love that you share the highs, the lows, and all the hope you carry along the way. Your blog is a journey with many of the trials we all are going through. So many whitewash over what they are really feeling because heaven knows the world doesn't one person to have a bad day! I check in daily for a bit of honesty and truth you provide. Take the good and let the bad comments go. You are great!
Kim,
I want to hug you right now and wipe your tears away. Please know I am praying for you and your family and often feel as you do, that no one is hearing me. Just know they keep going out, and that they are heard. I just always wish they were heard and answered on my terms. I love you tons.
Love and hugs,
Amanda
Kim,
I don't know you, but you and I are going through the same thing. It's sad when people who (probably) mean well make unkind, insensitive remarks. Infertility is so hard, and it because so all-consuming that it's really hard to focus on anything else, let alone the "positives". This is a hard trial, one that at times I feel will break me. Elder Wirthlin gave an excellent talk on adversity at conference that I found helpful. Also, if you're interested, there's a support blog for women dealing with infertility you might want to check out: http://infertilesisters.blogspot.com/.
Much love,
Hillary McCormack
Kim-
I'm a stranger.
My parents tried for 7 years to have a child and finally were going to give up.
Then Mom got pregnant with me.
GOD BLESS YOU.
Please take heart and don't give up.
The Lord is near to those who are hurting.
-Jen
i found your blog through the R house. I feel your pain explicitly in two ways. First--I am infertile and waiting to adopt. Second--just the other day I did a post on adoption awareness month and got the nastiest, meanest comment from a stranger telling me that through adoption I was stealing another woman's flesh and that I would always be a fake mother and that adoption is horrible and I needed to just be what God wanted me to be. I still cry when I think about it. But I guess it's like fame--the more you open yourself up to help people the more you open yourself up to criticism. Thanks for your bravery. It gives me strength.
I am also a follower of Mrs R's blog....Kim, I am thankful that you were so brave and decided to open your heart and share your true raw feelings.
Some of my feelings are so similar. I am a mom of one. I have a beautiful 4 year daughter. In July of 2007, I got diagnosed with Stage 1 Cervical Cancer. I had surgery and have been cancer free for 16 months, my doctor says that it is possible for me to have children, but it it just hasn't happened. Just today I called my husband in tears because the oh so wonderful PMS symptoms reared their ugly head and I knew once again we were not pregnant.
I also have had people saying things just like "Anonymous", what's wrong with you?? You have a daugher, why can't you be thankful for her? I AM! I can't even believe they judged you that way without walking even one second in your shoes. I am with Mrs R...sit on a tack! I love being a mom SO much that I just cannot describe the ache inside me to have another baby no matter when or how. There is NOTHING wrong with the way you feel. You are not ungrateful, but just someone who has SO much love to share with one of God's children.
Thank you for sharing, and my prayers will be with you.
Love,
Jessica Moody
I love you and think the world of you... and anonymous is dumb.
Kim:
God is there. He hears you. My husband and I are going through the same emotions right now. We have adopted one precious beautiful little boy, and had a failed adoption with his biological little sister about 10 months ago. I thought the pain and heartache would never leave, but Heavenly Father has been very aware of us, and has helped us heal and find joy in the sorrows. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless you! (And I heard a rumor that Anonymous smells really bad.) Grrrr. Shame on Anonymous. Hang in there!
ditto. ditto to everything you've said and all the heartfelt comments others have left. you are in my prayers, and if i had an "agenda" (as mrs. r told me) you'd be on it.
What a beautiful post. I only had to deal with this for a couple of years and my heart goes out to those who had to deal with it tons more than I. Thank you for opening up you might get a bad comment or two but...hopefully this doesn't come out bad. Sometimes people take out their bad day or insecurities on someone who has opened up or is having a hard time around them. Don't let it get to you and just pray that they get over whatever they need to to be happy.
I hear ya sista. Fertility problems came be so consuming at times. We are just starting the paperwork for adoption #3. And as much as I want to always be positive and have faith, a big piece of me is sure that our hearts will be broken. It's hard leaving the hope of a family to someone else with the agency (god given, not adoption (smile)) to change their mind at any moment. We all need to hang in there together. Thanks for sharing with all of us feeling that so many of us can relate to.
kim you are so amazing! i have been blog stalking you for awile now and haven't left a comment but after this post and what was said i just had to.
i love to read your blog and see your beautiful photograhy. you are so open and honest to always share you true feelings something i don't think i could ever do on my own blog. how rotten of someone to say such a rude thing! have you not posted about all of your wonderful friends and how much you love your children and how many blessing that you have?
adoption is such a great blessing and i pray that you will be blessed to have another baby join your family soon!!
Kim, I love you! I always appreciate your honesty and bravery for putting your feelings out there of your pain and heartache over the last year. I don't know your exact pain and heartache, but I can imagine how it feels because we have been through alot ourselves (not just infertility).I am sorry that anonymous has to feel the need to add to your pain, it is so unfortunate that there are people in the world like that. You are such a beautiful person inside and out and you deserve the world!
i love you kim. you are amazing. simply put. what needs to happen will, and i pray that comfort is what you desire so badly, knowing the wonderful mother you are.
Go Mrs. R! :) I am a reader of the R house and know the have personally experienced the feelings of infertility. No one,...NO ONE can understand unless they have been there. You and all of our other "sisters" are constantly in my prayers! You are amazing.
Oh Kim, my dear, I'm so sorry for your heartache and pain. I hope today has brought you some measure of peace, I hope that answers will come to you that will lead you to find the members of your family that you're still searching for. It is such a tough search. I have become panicked at times in my search. It is not an easy road.
But, I just have to say that I'm glad to have found such good company on this terribly painful, completely sucky road. I couldn't be among a more choice group of women who I consider the elect of God. I know you are so loved by Him. He is so very aware of your pain.
I've felt lately like He is much closer than we realize. I love that verse in D&C 84 - "Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you." He is listening. He is waiting for you. He will bless you. I just know it.
And, in the meantime, you are not alone on this pathway. There are so many who (obviously) love you! I'm one of them. Sending you big hugs. Megan
ok I KNOW I left a message yesterday and now I can't see it! I wonder if it never posted! I can't believe you have 79 comments! you are one loved person!
you are an amazing woman Kim. it is ok to greive what we have lost and what we don't have. Sometimes it is hard to "count our blessings". Those who don't struggle with infertily will NEVER understand what we go through. The loss of a baby, a failed adoption, the wondering and hoping to build our family.
You are loved Kimmie. I hope you can find the peace and happiness in your journey. I hope the Lord does bless you and Flavio with more children. You are the BEST parents in the world. YOu have so much love and compassion to offer.
I love you kim!
What a blessing your post has been to SOO many of us! Thank YOU Thank you for sharing your thoughts! They are very real, and the very same thoughts SO many of us have had! :) You are an inspiration. I have loved reading everyone's comments as well. The world of infertility and adoption has wonderful people in it! We all have each other to lean on! :) I pray that good things come your way!
I don't know you I saw you blog from a friend of a friends blog. I am an adoptive mother of two beautiful kids. I will never be able to carry a child because I had hysterectomy. We tried to have children for 5 1/2 years before our beautiful daughter was placed in our arms. I want you to know that you have EVERY right to share your feelings and to express how you feel. I can second so many of the things that you wrote about. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you will be blessed soon by the miracle of adoption. You seem like an amazing person with so much to offer a sweet little baby. You will be in my prayers. Keep on posting and just forget about those people who aren't caring or empathetic of what you are going through. Only keep those positive people and comments in your life. Hang in there God’s hears you and your child will come.
Kim, I've "lurked" here before but after reading about the inane anonymous commenter on Mrs. R's blog (whom I love very much) I had to comment.
I have endo, 2 bio children that are miracles and am adopting 2 babies from Ethiopia. We lost a baby last year at 12 1/2 weeks. I know how you feel, I understand your pain and your longing. There are so many people here who love and support you. Lean on them. You are wonderful. Don't let the idiot anonymous's of the world drag you down.
Wishing you everything good, Chloe/Sara
So...I want to come play in you and Mrs. R's sandbox... :)
Infertility hurts. Even after three children and even after you have adopted it can feel like more than you can bear.
Hang tight. Hold on.
All I can say is AMEN!!! I totally hear ya sister!! I am so sorry that you have to struggle with this!! I think it's gods way of giving me a good friend who knows my hurts and pains as well!! I am sorry that you have gone through everything!! I am so grateful for your friendship and comfort!! You are a blessing!!
oh, and to "anonymous"... suck rocks! Seriously, do you feed off of pain? Are you lost or without a sympathy chip? You should be happy that you have kept your comments anonymous (may have been the only smart thing you did), you don't want to mess with OUR Kim and Hubbs. They have an army of ANGRY HURT FRUSTRATED couples willing to take out thier frustrations on one such as you!!
And Hubbs!! You are the BOMB!! Way to handle the situation with more class then was deserved!! You are a Hero!! Kim and you are the perfect couple!
Oh, how I'd love to fill up a church bench as well! I just ate 1/2 a pizza & a candy bar to 'comfort' myself since I am once again not prego. No one deserves a baby more than you do, Kim. You're such a good mom, wife & person. And you've gone through more this last year than I ever though possible for one person (family). I think about you often and hope & pray that your baby will be in your arms soon.
Thank you for putting yourself out there and expressing so many feelings that I couldn't put into words.
Linda-a fellow adoptive mom and mom-to-be and endometriosis sufferer.
Post a Comment