"It is what it is."

I've come here many times the past few days. Trying to decide what to say, how to explain how my heart is feeling. The words don't come easy, and I am not quite sure what to say.

I have gotten a few e-mails from people asking about the adoption, and because the situation is quite personal and very private, at this time I feel it best not to share anything more than we will not be adopting a baby this month as we had hoped. I ask if you have any further questions or comments please e-mail me personally.

With that being said, because so many of you have been concerned about me, I will let you know a bit of what I have been feeling the past few weeks.

With the events of the past six months spinning around in my head, and wit

h the knowledge and thoughts of almost having five babies into our home this year, without one coming to fruition, has me reeling.

My heart is aching. My heart is very much pained. I had to make a commitment a few weeks ago to turn my heart and my mind and my energy into my little ones. Into my hubbs.

I feared that if we didn't do this...the trials may get the better of us and things would not be well.

We have had some very spiritual confirmations as to the answers "why".

We still don't have the answers mind you, but at least we know and feel that everything our family has endured has been to teach us, and to help us to grow, and learn something that will help us and perhaps those around us in the future. We have learned greatly of unconditional love, of serving, of our hearts and just what they are capable of.

I have never prayed so hard or so much in my entire life. I have never felt such distinct promptings of the Spirit, such distinct answers to prayer that I can remember, and for these answers and comfort I am grateful. Accepting and acting upon these answers have not been easy at times...but again and again I am convinced and things are reaffirmed that we are doing what we need to be doing and on the path that we need to be on.

Because the events of the past while have been so painful, we have decided at this time to put our adoption profile on hold. This comes with a heavy heart, but a decision which we realize is best for us, and for our children to heal. Many hearts have been hurt, and pained, and we just aren't sure we can go on feeling the hurt at this time.

These decisions have been some of the hardest we have ever had to make. The past two weeks have left me, personally, downtrodden, sad, teary, greatly depressed, but at the same time renewed and close to my Father in Heaven. I have spent a lot of the past two weeks sleeping. Resting my body from the intense emotional pain I have felt. Resting from the intense physical pain caused by that half marathon too (ouch I hurt my ankle!). I have really turned into my work, into myself, into my heart...and trying beyond all in my being to remain close to my children, and close to my husband, and band us stronger and stronger through these hard times.

I'm not sure I can even explain a portion of what I feel.