I Apologize

To my Hubbs.


I came across this orange gift bag a few weeks ago. It was in the Halloween decoration box, and I found it as I was trying to get my kids ready for the ward Halloween extravaganza.

At this same time I was just a week out of my surgery and feeling very emotional and drugged, so perhaps it all has something to do with it...

...but mostly I have finally grown up,
and I need to tell my sweet, sweet husband how sorry I am for so very many things.



I know you don't think that I care about the "little" things you do...or used to do or did or still do.

When I saw this bag I recalled with perfect clarity the day you brought it to me over nine years ago. It was filled with some of my favorite treats from that time period.

Nestle Treasures.
(Which is no longer around, they go by another weird and random name now.)

I recall oftentimes receiving gifts such as these, or notes, or flowers, and at the time I didn't appreciate them as much as I should have.

Part of me was embarrassed, or part of me felt extremely unworthy of love or adoration from anyone,
especially from you.

I loved every moment of these thoughtful things, and looking back I really wish I would have done more to let you know how much I loved and appreciated them, how much I wish I would have showed you that I deserved them.



This one especially chokes me up when I read it:





'Cuz I didn't, and I haven't...not until now...almost ten years later.
I finally see it.

I can finally feel comfortable enough with myself
to realize how lucky and blessed and deserving I am of such a
wonderful and loving husband.

I kept waiting for you to go away
like so many things in my life did while I was growing up...
I did what I always did to the good things
in my life that didn't last.

I pushed them away.

Thank you for not leaving.

Thank you for not giving up on me.

I am sorry.

Sorry for being a spoiled brat at times,
and a beastly 'b' at others.
(WAY, way, way! more often than not.)



Thanks for loving me enough to buy me this black coat a year after we got married.
I love it so much and still have it, I can't part with it.
I just remember how excited we were to buy it...and how shocked I was that you did buy it.

And it was to make ME look good.
I am selfish like that.

I am a lucky girl.

So sad I haven't fully realized it...until now.



Thanks for taking me on horrid four hour 'whale watching' extravaganzas in Rhode Island.
Thank you for letting me see Autumn back east.
I still dream of it often and want to run back there with you someday.



Thank you for letting me start fights at someone's wedding service when I hear them talking trash about my husband's culture.



Thank you for loving me through horrible flat hair and too much makeup,
even when I thought I looked fabulous.

You are right, I look pretty no matter what,
and really I am not all that much fatter than when we got married.

I am sorry I haven't realized this until now.

I am sorry I haven't taken the time to appreciate who I was inside,
thank you for appreciating who I was regardless.



Thank you for loving me enough to let me fly.
For letting me have my many hobbies and crazy times to remain sane...
even when it costs you lots and lots of money in the process.

Each thing has allowed me to grow and develop as a person, physically, and spiritually.
You are always there for me.
Every. Day.

I am sorry I complained for so long and only
focused on the times
you weren't there
because you couldn't be.
(Because you were usually working to pay off the debt I got us into.)



I am especially sorry that I taught you too much English.

I miss your accent and your misspelling of words.

I miss making these little cards for you.



Thank you for this.

Thank you for helping me to become who I am today.
I love you more each and every day.

You are my everything.

Love you forever.

I mean that.