Learning To Love Me Part 1

Pardon the freaking weird layout...it won't let me hard return...blast.

I started off editing these, thinking I was going to write a grand old post about how wonderful the workshop was. Which it was, but as I spent time with myself...'up close and personal' like...my mind shifted to other things.

I couldn't sleep at all last night. Really, I probably drifted off somewhere around four in the morning and woke up at eight and couldn't sleep again. What is my deal?

My mil asked me tonight if I was pregnant. I just about died. Besides not wanting to cry in front of someone I am pretty sure doesn't like me...and obviously, for whatever reason thinks I either look pregnant enough to ask...I was just plain old mad.

So, back to last night...no sleep. My mind kept returning to what I was originally going to title "the post in my mind" 'Fertile Mertyle...Infertile?'. This is that post, but because it is going to be SO long and SO intense...I'll break it up for you.

First of all, my mind went back to our early years of marriage, of all the doctor visits, of all the physical pain at the time...the emotional came later when I was diagnosed and told I may never have babies. I remember sitting in the office of the doctor I loved and despised for different reasons. I loved her because she could finally put a name to whatever was ailing me...hated her because of how she made me feel about myself. I was 141 lbs when I was diagnosed with Endo. Today? Sheesh...a whopping 171 lbs. What I wouldn't give to be that fat again, but this doctor...that is what she would always focus on...my FAT...my weight. So after the diagnosis, and subsequent treatment, I never ever stepped foot in that office again. I dealt with the roller coaster of emotions.

We got pregnant with Jothan a few months after my treatment for the Endo supression. Lucky. Blessed. Happily. I went to a new doctor's office...to my current doctor, who is so sweet, but whom I have never shared how much hurt I have really experienced, and to whom I don't really talk about how much pain I am suffering...cuz it is just too hard. I don't want to go over it all again, I don't want to be treated, I don't want to feel like a failure...that...and I don't really know what is going on with my body. I feel like this office had the happy, smiling Kim, the one who had a beautiful baby boy...and two point five years later had the most beautiful little baby girl ever.

Fast forward almost three years later. Five babies in one year...gone. The failure I feel for having lost my baby at almost 17 weeks. The "Chelsia" shiz. Juan, his sister, then another failed placement. The trying to get pregnant...the exercise/running that is getting my body no where...the pants that fit too tight...the not knowing what to do but cry sometimes, because I am afraid. Afraid to keep trying for number three because DOOD it has been almost three years and IF by some miracle we get pregnant...how old will Memms be? I just want to bawl. Crawl into a corner right now and scream and cry...and let it all out like I have so many times this year. I hate this. I hate it with a passion. I hate feeling empty...even though I have the world...such a contradiction, but even with all the happiness, the pain masked, it is still there...and it bleeds at times.

So...I was thinking about all of these things through the 3:00 hour this morning...and then tonight, when I was spending time with myself...I realized...I am strong. I am wise. I am a better person for all of these trials. I am closer to my husband, who sweetly says when my period comes, "I'll get you pregnant next month!" Ha! I am more appreciative of my babies that I do have, that I get to cuddle each and every day. I remember how important they are when my patience runs dry. I even saw that I was beautiful. When I take the time to find that person in me. Beauty really does come from within, I will never be a model, but I will be a fantastic mother, a faithful wife, a daughter of God. No matter what I need to live up to that potential. I like this girl I see I even love her...I would like to love her more though. She knows what she needs to do...why the heck doesn't she just do it?