I have debated for quite some time as to whether or not I should write about this. I have had the fear that if I do write this, that people may not understand, and worse yet, that it would make everyone, and even myself realize that I am not perfect, and sometimes I cannot do it alone.
I have felt this more than ever before today.
I am taking an anti-depressant.
There, I said it. I have been taking one for about four months now.
And you know what? I have never been happier.
I have never felt so FREE, so anti-anxious about EVERYTHING, so on top of the world.
How long had I been so down? How long had I let myself believe that I could take care of how I was feeling all on my own? That it was MY choice if I was happy, sad, depressed, anxious, tired, etc? YEARS more than likely. Definitely since a year after my marriage when I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. Seriously? SEVEN years of blech? A weight has been lifted off of me, that I hadn't realized was hanging onto my shoulders. I feel light. It is hard to explain, but it is real!
Wanna know how I realize how much better off I am with this tiny kiss of an anti-depressant than without? (This has happened ONCE before) But today, I was sitting on the couch for most of the morning, STRESSING about EVERY LITTLE thing I had to do. Stressing about the laundry, spending time with my kids, EDITING A WEDDING I FINISHED SHOOTING LAST NIGHT?! (Crazy right? Why should I be stressing about THAT?) etc...etc...I kind of went so far as to have zero desire to make dinner, and talked my husband into going to Arctic Circle. That is how you know I have reached a low point. Then it hit me. I have forgotten to take my medication for almost FIVE days. FIVE. Duh. I realized at that moment how much it is helping me to be a better wife, mother, sister, friend, and PERSON.
So I tell you this because, more than likely I will stay on these little lovelies for as long as they are helping me be a better wife and mother. I feel like my family is now the center of my life, instead of everyone else and their happiness or what they have thought about me. In a way, I am thankful for the horrendous post-partum depression that had me in it's vice, for without it I would not have had the courage to ask for help.
My husband was THE KING of, "You don't need pills to make you happy...to help you get through hard times." Now he is THE KING of, "Can you stay on those FOREVER...PLEASE?!" He is a believer, and so am I. I can't wait to find me again, after these blasted pills take effect once again. Can't wait.
25 comments:
You should not be feeling bad about doing what you need to do to be happy! Surprise! I am on the happy pills too and I bet more people are than you think! I don't usually talk about it much because then you get those people who patronize you or say oh I have that problem too when you know darn well they aren't as bad off as you because they are surviving! I actually have OCD, along with my anxiety and depression issues(among other things) and I've gone to a psychologist for it all for years. I am on a very high dose and take several pills a day... betcha didn't know all of that! People just don't talk about it and people who haven't gone through the H*** (funny because I NEVER swear!) that we go through just don't understand and to me it's not worth the effort and fight. I know my brain is messed up and I don't need to justify how I am feeling to others...right?! And I don't need anyone else to make me feel worse! Anyways! If you ever want to talk...I understand! ape
amen to meds! I have been on my meds for almost 4 years and I seriously have never felt better! and YES I TOTALLY feel it when I don't take them. I too went about 5 days without taking them and remembered to take them tonight! I think it is OK to tell the world you are on HAPPY PILLS!! :)
I completely understand exactly everything you just wrote!!! In May I started having some pretty debilitating panic attacks and anxiety OUT OF THE BLUE!!! My life became all about the anxiety and the attacks. It was no way to live. After an ER trip and a subsequent doctor's visit, we decided that it was time to try something more in the form of a daily med.
Oh. my. gosh. Why did I wait so long and suffer through with the anxiety, depression and lifelessness? I do not know. But I feel that same thing you feel: free. The weight is lifted and I feel like I'm myself again, and it feels so incredibly amazing to feel like ME again. In retrospect, I didn't even realize how far gone I was until I got to the spot I'm in now.
And what's more, I started taking this magic little pill and I have energy up the wazoo. We're eating healthier. We're walking and swimming and getting outside. I've lost 26 pounds and I feel phenomenal. And look at you? You're RUNNING EIGHT STINKIN' MILES! Amazing!
So I say hurray for you! You do what's best for you and your family! I know it feels like the easy out, like you're letting yourself down somehow because I felt that way. But now? I think I was pretty lame for not owning up to it sooner. :) Yay for you embracing it!
Your posts are so refreshing. Most of us typically write about the wonderful and cute things our kids do, (I do it myself, too), which is great, but it's so not REAL life. Thanks for the reminder that we all have problems, issues, etc. and that it's ok to put yourself out there.
It's amazing how much those things actually really DO help! Everyone needs a little help! (Like ME! I'm thinking it's time I start on something myself!) I'm so happy that you've found something that helps and that let's you feel more like- YOU, on them! I must say- you do have an amazing "sparkle" in your GORGEOUS eyes in the picture below! Yay for modern day medicine! Love you! Miss you!
Dude, you don't want to be friends with the Casey who forgot her drugs.
She's a buzzkill.
I seriously wish my sister would take some. She is going through so much right now and I always tell her it is worth a try. She is so afraid people will think she is crazy...I don't see it that way.
Good for you :-)
I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! That is seriously wonderful. And it really is hard for some reason to admit you're taking meds. The best thing I ever did was get a pill organizer. Granted I've got my depression meds plus vitamens plus asthma stuff. So it gets annoying to remember what I've taken. I think in the last two years of taking meds I've only missed two doses because I know how good it lets me feel.
Congrats again, I'm really happy for you.
This is why I love your blog! You are honest! Life sucks sometimes, and it's fine to ask for help! I think it's good that you recognized that you need help and asked for it. After my first miscarriage I went into a nasty depression and I didn't know how to ask for help and suffered for a long time. I would burst i nto tears for no reason, and I think that my solution was denial. I went into adoption the wrong way. It's a good thing for us that it took so long because it gave me a chance to find help and heal so that I had my whole heart again rather than trying to fill the holes. I think that's why I am all about honestly now, I lied to myself for so long that I didn't even know who I was!
I love you Miss Kim, and I am so darn proud of you.
Good for you, Kim! Depression runs on my mom's side of the family & I can tell you that medication has made a world of difference for my mom. A world. So, don't ever be ashamed of it.
hmmm, do you specifically write all blog posts just for me? This is something I've been considering for some time.
I love your honesty and courage. :)
You know how I feel about taking anti-depressants. Taking a pill everyday doesn't define who you are. It simply helps you remember the beautiful and confident woman and mother that you are.
I cannot say that I know what you are going through, however I do thank you for sharing your heart here. There is absolutely no shame in taking medication to help you be you. Kudos to you for seeking help and for coming back to what is important in your life and pushing aside the rest. I'm giving you a virtual High-Five right now...way to reclaim yourself! :o)
This has been on my mind for a few months . . . and Josh even picked some samples up for me cause he was going crazy with my moods.
The doctor said my hormones would adjust soon, since I just had a baby-but I am thinking "WHEN?"
So those sample pills are still sitting on the counter staring at me. . . I am just not sure what to do. I am amazed at how many people are on them-two women I visit teach are on them and I had NO idea. They swear by them too . . . I have the same hubby who thinks exercise is the cure for all, maybe I should make him a believer too.
But honestly I am wondering how long I have just dealt with this anxiety-for how many years did I put myself through "just dealing" with all these anxieties??
I guess I'll never know, it is just scary to take that step-I feel like I am giving in somehow. But these emotions are driving me crazy...thanks for sharing and shedding some needed light on the matter.
Kim, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone is different, some can go through the depression easy, some need help.You do what ever you feel is good for you, don't think what others may think of you. Always put yourself first, if you won't no one will. Love you.
Good for you! I'm happy to hear you're feelin' good! That makes me happy!
Life is happy! :)
Oh my heck! I'm dead serious! I just failed the word ver again! Seriously, why? Does it think I'm spam? I really, really don't get it. does anyone else have this problem? (Not a big deal just really really weird):)
Oh Kim! I took medication for years for depression and anxiety. I learned to cope, but when I started feeling bad again a few months ago, I went back on them without a look back. My guyfriend was so against it, but now! he loves me again. He's seen the difference it makes. My comment to people anti antidepressants is "Would you deny your family member insulin if they were diabetic? It's the same thing-a chemical imbalance."
Its such an interesting thing in our culture that it's perfectly OK to take an antacid to fix a chemical imbalance in your tummy but such a stigma to fix one in your brain. I am really happy that you have had such an eye opening experience and that you're feeling great. I've seen the effect a little bit of help can make in some of my family members that struggle with this....I know they work!
ROCK ON to anonymous and Holly/Reed. Amen. So true. It is mind boggling how people are ok or accepting of going to the er for a wound or for some kind of sickness. That peeps are ok with every other med. It is sad that people aren't ok with brain meds. My doctor told me the same thing. If you were diabetic or if you needed blood transfusions would you say no? Of course not. He then told me well you need a transfusion basically of your brain chemicals. HMMMM I was ok after that. They aren't the cure all and they don't take away the pile of crap that is in front of you but it sure as heck makes it manigable. AMEN. Heavenly Father would not provide people with the mental brain capacity and knowledge to be able to create these meds if they weren't to be put to use. No shame needed. If you know yourself well enough and know that you need help and are willing to ask for it then judging should not occur. It is sad that there is a stigma that if you take meds you are "crazy". Crazy is all an opinion. Aren't we all in one way or another? We are all in this life together. We all have different management levels. We shouldn't judge each other for that.
Well I didn't mean to go off. Just meant to say AMEN!!!
ME TOO, ME TOO, I finally started taking them a few years ago and wished that I would have started when I was in high school. My life and some of the choices that I made might have been very diffrent. My depression is VERY seasonal so I just cut my dose in half in the summer when the sun is shining. It is true that taking care of yourself and a sunny day can help. I'm just amazed at how a tiny little pill taken daily can make such a big diffrence in my life. Don't worry I forget to take mine for days at a time too. I can always tell by about day 3 though.
good for you and your new found happy times. love that life is good for you, just as it should be. you are taking so many positive steps in your life with the running, accomplishing goals, and listening to your body to give it what it needs. smart lady! you've got some lucky kiddos to have such a driven mommy.
keep it up!
You are an answer to so many people's prayers that they didn't even ask for yet with your posts. Your honesty, your sincerity, your openness blesses so many lives. thank you for sharing and I love how you always have everything figured out before you even know you do. You are the strogest woman I have ever known and I hope when I grow up I can be like you. Tahnk you for letting mek now you. I love you Kim. Your visit is still fresh on my mind and it means the world to me. Thank you for being YOU.
Oh my goodness Kim! I have been hibernating and I just read your post. I wrote about the exact same thing today. HUGS to you!
Good for you! I know lots of people on antideppresants...why is everyone so against them?
If they work, they work. Go Kim!
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